Haq Mehar

[S02]

Re: Haq Mehar

@ahmadjee

Oh I forgot to mention, my wife says, she is keeping a book and based on inflation and interest rates she adjusts the money I owe her on a yearly basis.

I like that idea

I haven’t “collected” mine, but as of yet, there aren’t really any restrictions on what either of us spends.

I was not part of the conversation, and I’m pretty sure my husband wasn’t part of it either.

[AnGeL_EyEs]

Re: Haq Mehar

@chips6

^^...thanks ..angel eyes...!!

this is what i thought.....but i guess in my case my FIL was the one to decide....!

if you think that this was unfair...and your husband is a reasonable man..perhaps you can discuss your concerns with your imam or someone more well read about such matters. Maybe there is a way you can still do it...the proper way.

[chips6]

Re: Haq Mehar

^^^......just curious...is it a possibilty to change it after a few years..?

[Dushwari]

Re: Haq Mehar

he he,

reminds me of a woman who said, she got stuck with a person, who could actually be given some money, tooffer to her miserable and cheating husband, to get lost. which is a sad thing.

haq mehr has its place, religious, legal, traditional and also personal.

the economic part, as a deterrent or punishment is actually a weak alibi, to keep women from basing their marriages on reliable partnership, with trustworthy men.

it is told that the purpose of haq mehr is economic security to the bride. automatically, it send a message that women are gifted a token on top of bringing a men into marital contract with oneselves, & as a religious principle for marrying, the men side, is asked by God, to provide a sort of economic security, in the case that if ther were to actually abondon, women, the men should know, they paid for that escape ahead of time!!

i know men who would never get married in the first place, if they were asked a certain amount of haq mehr in today's times, as they are greedy or miser.
there is no comparable compensation for a woman or a man, whose spouse cheats on them, or rebukes them, or keeps them as a slave. more often, men do it than women.
the psychological harm of associating monetary value & economic compensation
is dangerous, because sometimes, dishonesty & lack of money can turn the spouses into haq mehr gathering deceivers, if it is ever offered in a generous manner.
maintaining a spouse today, can cost a woman a lot, as well, if that man is not willing to do his share of carrying family's expenses of the household.
deserting a woman is considered an ever present option, as men think they can do so, because they earn.

faith has to be strong. relationships must be built with clean conscience, on solid footing & honest intentions. hopefully, the need for haq mehr wont surface for what ever it might be worth!

also, from dushwari, this is just a suggestion - in an abstract way, we should think what would have been the case, if Allah would have asked women to provide for men, this economic security called haq mehr,
perhaps, we can deduce answers by looking at it objectively, in this context.
i bet u, the contrast would be amazingly acute in perceptions about the haq mehr, then.

dushi

@Ira

What is the "fashionable" amount these days? Like in our parents' (or atleast during mine) time, it was the 32 or 33 rupees or something wierd like that.

All the married ladies here, what did you do with the haq mehar? Of if you are a husband, what did your wife do with it?

[Iconoclast]

Re: Haq Mehar

@Ira

Amana, sadly, i have seen similiar behaviour in mostly the side of the family based in Pakistan (just my observings). I think it is changing with our generation, atleast with overseas Pakistanis. I refuse to take any jahaiz but my parents, esp my mother i know would insist on it. Atleast it wont be as excessive as hers was, when she barely ever got to use everything since she moved abroad with my dad after the wedding and the inlaws were using it during her absence. I think jahaiz should be meant for the new couple's use.

My parents did not accept any Jehaiz from there Bahus, all the Jehaiz that my wife's parents collected over the years, was used in marriage of my SIL.

[aaho]

Re: Haq Mehar

@amana

:) - In my husband's family the poor bahus barely had a chance to get through the door before my eldest sister in law was trying to get them to forgive the mahr.

In the weddings I've been to recently in Pakistan they were "displaying" the things that the girl brought at a special dinner at their house. It was disgusting. They showed off the leather sofa, tvs, refrigerator, some pots and pans, and a set of luggage. Supposedly the brides family had also given quite a bit of cash and a set of bedroom furniture. It seemed rather excessive.

This is an old method use to be on weddings... I mean show time :D

[Decent_6Chora]

Re: Haq Mehar

Here is a must read:

Haq Mehr: An Essential Right
As an essential requisite of marriage, haq mehr is always due to the wife, no matter whether it has been written and specified in the marriage contract nor not (clauses 13-16). Mehr is one of the most basic rights of a married woman and therefore the custom of writing the purely symbolic amount of Rs 32.50 effectively denies women the benefit of their marriage rights.

If it has not been fixed in the nikahnama, it is known as ‘mehr ul misl’ or proper dower and the court will then set it by taking into account her status and the mehr given to her close female relatives. If the mehr has been fixed it can be prompt (mehr moajjal) or deferred (ghair moajjal or mu’wajjal) or split into parts some of which is prompt and some of which is deferred. If it is not specified which form the mehr is, it is assumed to be prompt.

Mehr can be in the shape of land, jewellery, cash or gold. Gold is preferable and its weight should be written in the nikahnama, which offers the wife some protection against inflation, whereas written cash amounts can become worthless after a few years.

Mehr Type: prompt (moajjal)
When: whenever the wife demands
Rights: Wife can refuse to consummate the marriage or to continue living with husband until it is paid. She can go to court to seek payment up to three years after husband refuses to pay. This is the best form of mehr as it gives the wife the greatest flexibility and control over her mehr.

Mehr Type: deferred
When:
* on death of husband
* on talaq or dissolution of marriage
* at an agreed date specified in the nikahnama or any written agreement with the husband

Rights: On husband’s death, mehr is a debt that has to be paid before his property is divided among his heirs. Can be claimed in a court within three years of divorce or death of husband.

Type: mehr ul misl
When:
* whenever the wife demands
Rights:
as for prompt mehr all forms of mehr

* the amount can be raised at any time during the marriage on a written declaration by the husband
* a wife cannot be deprived of her mehr unless she has made a written agreement, signed by witnesses and the courts is satisfied she did this voluntarily, out of natural love and affection
* waiving off of mehr under pressure - e.g., at the husband’s qul or on his death-bed will not be held as valid by the courts
* when paying mehr, husband has to declare that this is part of mehr
* unless specified as part of mehr, things given to the wife by the husband during the marriage (e.g.,, jewellery, cash) are not considered part

Source

[Ira]

Re: Haq Mehar

decent, JazakaAllahu khairan for the info.I havent had the chance to check out the source yet but it seems like alot of women are not even aware of their basic rights such as mehar.

[sadzzz]

Re: Haq Mehar

i believe, mehar can be the amount of gold (jewellerry) you are given on the day... it doesnt have to be some outrageous amount.

[Lusi]

Re: Haq Mehar

^^ the bride can ask anything she wants, if the guy can't afford that amount at the time of marriage, it is a loan on him.

[ahmadjee]

Re: Haq Mehar

^ or that yeah shadi nahiN ho sakti. :D

[Chameli420]

Re: Haq Mehar

My diamond ring worth app. 2500 USD is my haq mehr. We discussed the topic a lot before we settled for this and then we informed each our parents.

We wanted to aviod any discussion between the parents so we managed it all ourselves.

[SaadiaB]

Re: Haq Mehar

I think all my gold jewerly from their side was my haq mehr and I think 1000 Rs. that I got at hand at the time of nikkah, my husband wasnt working at that time.

[mAd_ScIeNtIsT]

Re: Haq Mehar

To the girls who spent their haq mehr .... aren't you concerned about giving up the ability get get a khula nullification by simply returning the haq mehr?

[Ira]

Re: Haq Mehar

I am still wanting to know what women do with it :D One guppan who didnt say it here but mentioned to me later was taht she kept her haq mehar jsut the way she recieved it, as a momento. It kinda makes sense since hers wasnt a big amount but what do others do i wonder?

I think so far we have had a few sensible ideas like paying towards a house/car payment etc.

[Najim]

Re: Haq Mehar

As my personal opinion the Haq meher should be a big amount. Around £10,000 or $20,000 or something like that with an option of 10% should be paid immediately & rest in case of divorce. Logically 10% is reasonable enough amount that a girl gets at wedding. Other 90% is her security, how?

1) If he divorces her, he has to pay £9,000. If she takes khula, she doesn't have to worry about paying £10,000 and she will only return £1,000.

2) If the guy dies, she is still protected because 90% should be paid to her, though she has an optionto waive it (means she holds the curtain rope during the show).

Now how should she spend it? Its her money, no one on this earth has any right to tell here what to do with it. She can spend it where she wants. If according to my theory she gets 10% immediate money, she must not put it in house payments or car payments etc etc. (they are shared or considered shared property in case of divorce). She should spend it entirely in something that is not shared. Again she holds the rope, so if she wants to of course she can put it as house/car payment etc.

[wannabe_a_mum]

Re: Haq Mehar

My mum wanted my husband to give £1000 (GBP) and as I was so naive with everything at that time, I said "Whatever mum wants will be the right thing" this was at our engagement time that all this was agreed. Then as I got to know my hubby more and fell in love with what an amazing man he was, I realised that I didn't want all that, even £1 (GBP) would have done me fine!
Eventually got mum to reduce the amount to £250 and even that I didn't get in my hand, I gave it to my mum to do whatever she wanted with it.

It's so annoying when someone gets married and we hear the nikaah on the transmitter form the mosque, most people nowadays are listening out for the Mehr amount....how SAD!

Also, in terms of what to do with mehr money, I was told that it is mine to keep and use in hardship should I end up estranged from my husband.........Insha Allah that will never happen to me or any married woman.

[Neera]

Re: Haq Mehar

It is a shame that in our society they put the dowry on display. Whatever the girl takes to her husband’s house is for HER TO USE!!! Then why do the in laws care what she brings or what she doesn’t.

@amana

- In my husband’s family the poor bahus barely had a chance to get through the door before my eldest sister in law was trying to get them to forgive the mahr.

In the weddings I’ve been to recently in Pakistan they were “displaying” the things that the girl brought at a special dinner at their house. It was disgusting. They showed off the leather sofa, tvs, refrigerator, some pots and pans, and a set of luggage. Supposedly the brides family had also given quite a bit of cash and a set of bedroom furniture. It seemed rather excessive.

[Decent_6Chora]

Re: Haq Mehar

^^ It sure is a shame and icing to the cake is that same girls who in their younger age (or at the time of their marriage) were so against the jahaiz, ask for truck load (and show it off) on the wedding of their son.

I wonder why they dont think about their daughter when they open their mouth and ask for truck load of jahaiz for their son

[yourfriend]

Re: Haq Mehar

@Ira

I am still wanting to know what women do with it :D

you can pay off towards your loan if you have any previous ones..chuppke se :D
you can use it in Sadqa-e-jaariya....
you can buy tons of gold jewellery and make your sister in laws jealous on every other family occasion..:D jeez its Your money..do whatever you want