Thanks everyone for your support and replies. I really feel better that someone is out there sharing my pain or at least understanding what I am going through. Let me tell you that I am not a submissive wife nor my husband wants to dominate, but he does has a big ego issue and probably that’s why he started to act this way after he found out that I knew what he has been telling my BIL. I think he was more worried about what my BIL would think of him that he had told wife about our discussion. He was trying to make me look bad in front of my BIL saying stuff like look how she is acting she is making something out of nothing she always over reacts. I was really amazed that instead of worrying about me and what he has done to me he was worried about my BIL (that he leaked his secret). On the other hand my BIL took my sister aside and apologies or whatever. My husband did not wanted to even talked to me he started to play a victim as if I have done something really terrible by confronting my BIL about something he had told me in private.
I have not discussed this situation with anyone my aunt lives in town but I did not go to her house because I do not want to tell anyone about this. I still love my husband a lot and do not want to humiliate him. I was thinking to talk to Imam in our local mosque but I think I am just too embrace to talk about it and also worried about what my husband will go through when approached by imam regarding this matter. Also, my husband regularly goes to mosque and he knows the imam very well so, me talking to imam about this will scar his relation with imam. They were even asking him to take honorary position in mosque’s management, so I am not really sure if I should talk to imam.
Re: Guys are like this??
^ In that case, don't talk to the imam. I would be hesistant to speak to an imam if I were in your position too. I would advise that you speak to your sister about this. How does she feel about all of this? If she feels humiliated, maybe she can talk to your husband... Tell him that she feels disgusted and he's like a brother to her. Say the same to your BIL. Perhaps then the husbands will feel some little guilt.
And tell your husband that you wish to keep this issue in your house, mention the hadith... that your arguments and sex life are to remain in your house only. You wouldn't want it to spread because your husband is well-respected at the masjid and likewise you want to be able to appear in front of your relatives/friends with dignity.
I have not discussed this situation with anyone my aunt lives in town but I did not go to her house because I do not want to tell anyone about this. I still love my husband a lot and do not want to humiliate him. I was thinking to talk to Imam in our local mosque but I think I am just too embrace to talk about it and also worried about what my husband will go through when approached by imam regarding this matter. Also, my husband regularly goes to mosque and he knows the imam very well so, me talking to imam about this will scar his relation with imam. They were even asking him to take honorary position in mosque’s management, so I am not really sure if I should talk to imam.
Im sorry but this dude deserves humiliation, or at least some chittars for the way he is being.
The imam sounds like the perfect person to speak to. Or you can do it so that, have him give a khutba on this topic so ur husband gets the message but its not direct?
Yeah, that’s a really good idea :k: You can anonymously request that this be brought up in the khutba or have it as a question that the imam can answer in front of everyone after the khutba.
Woohoo… 500th post! I’m a senior member now 
Im sorry but this dude deserves humiliation, or at least some chittars for the way he is being.
The imam sounds like the perfect person to speak to. Or you can do it so that, have him give a khutba on this topic so ur husband gets the message but its not direct?
But she'd have to be confident that the imam won't betray her trust and tell her husband that she came to him for help.
The imam and her husband are tight...and imam was thinking of making her husband the head of something. What if...confiding in the imam...changes the imam's attitude toward her husband. What if imam starts behaving in a reserved manner.....and the husband becomes suspicious?
If the imam agrees to do a khutba.......she'll have to find out when (date/time) the khutbah will take place......and she has to make sure that her husband will attend the khutbah. If she appears toooo eager for him to attend the khutbah......the husband could get suspicious. PLUS....if (after the khutbah) the imam starts acting weird around the husband.....he'll become even more suspicious.
I like the idea of an indirect khutbah because it could guide other people (men and women) may be committing this breach of trust without realizing the gravity of it. If only she can trust the imam...and be sure that he won't change toward her husband...and if she can manage to get him to the khutbah....it could work.
Re: Guys are like this??
Is this another thread dedicated to awesomeness of men :D
Hmmmm…usually people raise their hands to ask questions. So, who should ask the question so that it doesn’t look suspicious to the husband? Her husband and BIL wouldn’t dare do it. Her sister COULD do it…but risk offending both men. The OP wouldn’t do it.
Unless…the Imam answers questions that are written on paper…that would be more anonymous…cuz it could have been asked by anyone. OR…if she could get someone else to ask the question for her.
Hmmm…what if she were to tell the imam that she has noticed how some women and men (don’t name them) are openly talking to one another about their sex lives…and this issue makes her feel uncomfortable…and could he please do a general khutbah on the issue. That way…the Imam won’t know for “sure” that the issue deals with her husband.
But she’ll have to make sure that her husband attends it.
But she'd have to be confident that the imam won't betray her trust and tell her husband that she came to him for help.
The imam and her husband are tight...and imam was thinking of making her husband the head of something. What if...confiding in the imam...changes the imam's attitude toward her husband. What if imam starts behaving in a reserved manner.....and the husband becomes suspicious?
She can perhaps call or email the imam and not give a name? Or leave a note in his office. If the imam recognizes her... then I don't know... niqaab? Just as long as her name isn't revealed in any way.
If the imam agrees to do a khutba.......she'll have to find out when (date/time) the khutbah will take place......and she has to make sure that her husband will attend the khutbah.
Since the husband is involved in the masjid, I'd assume he goes to Jummah and tries to make the khutbah... the OP would know about that.
Hmmmm.........usually people raise their hands to ask questions. So, who should ask the question so that it doesn't look suspicious to the husband?
Unless.....the Imam answers questions that are written on paper....that would be more anonymous.....cuz it could have been asked by anyone. OR.....if she could get someone else to ask the question for her.
I've seen imams at khutbahs say a fellow sister wanted me to address her question, then take out a sheet of paper with the question and read it out loud. It would be better if the imam not say that a sister requested it... if the OP does not return home or speak to her husband, he could suspect her.
Hmmm....what if she were to tell the imam that she has noticed how some women and men (don't name them) are openly talking to one another about their sex lives....and this issue makes her feel uncomfortable.....and could he please do a general khutbah on the issue. That way....the Imam won't know for "sure" that the issue deals with her husband.
That could work too... maybe that's a better idea. And yes, mention that both men and women are doing this.
She can perhaps call or email the imam and not give a name? Or leave a note in his office. If the imam recognizes her... then I don't know... niqaab? Just as long as her name isn't revealed in any way.
Since the husband is involved in the masjid, I'd assume he goes to Jummah and tries to make the khutbah... the OP would know about that.
That could work. Maybe email would work better? As voice/number can sometimes be recognized. I guess email can give identity away if it's an obvious one. But if imam checks the email often and responds in a timely manner....then this can turn out really well. She'll have to ask him in the email/on the phone.....when he plans to do a sermon on this topic. And then try to get her husband to attend without appearing too eager.
Maybe she should wait a while before talking to the imam? Right now her husband isn't talking much to her...let alone feeling any remorse. It would be cool for BOTH the OP and her husband to attend the Jumah Khutbah (or whenever the khutbah takes place). It's FUNNY to imagine him being uneasy around her....as they get back in the car and drive home......that awkward "I'm guilty" silence, lol.
Re: Guys are like this??
If what the OP stated is true, man that guy is a total loser. You don't need a imam, you need a baseball bat....
Ok. So you don't want him to suspect that it came from you. Personally, I agree with Sara that he needs some humiliation, but I get where you're coming from.
So how about this? Wait a few weeks. Don't say anything else to your husband about this topic for now. Then, set up an anonymous email account and send your imam a message. Make sure that you leave out anything that identifies you, including the fact that you are female. Just say that you are a concerned member of the congregation who has noticed along with many others that both men AND women (yes...women do this too) are being indiscreet about their intimate lives. Request that the imam do a khutbah or presentation about the topic. And then ask him to get back to you regarding a date, assuming he agrees to speak about this issue.
That way, the imam will have no way of knowing who has sent this - male or female. He won't be able to connect it with anyone. And hopefully, he'll mention that it's becoming a widespread problem (which it is) and that should, Inshallah, allay any suspicions your husband may have about who sent it. Even if he does suspect and you feel that you have to come clean, you can tell him that the Imam doesn't even know whether it was a man or woman who sent the message, much less the exact person the message concerns.
Hope that helps.
:k:
Oh...and if you're planning on being in attendance if/when the Imam does this, start going with hubby to the mosque if you don't already. You don't have to go with him every time, but if the Imam agrees to discuss this issue, you don't want to only go on the one day the Imam does the presentation. It may throw suspicion your way.
Well I emailed imam told him my situation I also told him that I gave reference of hadiths (husband and wife being clothes for each other) to my husband and I asked him if he could give khutba and address this topic, but his reply want unfortunately not what I expected he was saying that you have said the right stuff I don't know what else I can do and since it is not common problem among Muslims I might address it sometime in future, so not what I expected.
He is not a marriage consular so I think I expecting too much from him.
oh well I would just have to figure out some other way, but one thing I know I am not going home until I know for sure that he is not going to do this again
Well I emailed imam told him my situation I also told him that I gave reference of hadiths (husband and wife being clothes for each other) to my husband and I asked him if he could give khutba and address this topic, but his reply want unfortunately not what I expected he was saying that you have said the right stuff I don't know what else I can do and since it is not common problem among Muslims I might address it sometime in future, so not what I expected. He is not a marriage consular so I think I expecting too much from him.
oh well I would just have to figure out some other way, but one thing I know I am not going home until I know for sure that he is not going to do this again
Is there a person on the board of the masjid who you can contact? Maybe one of their wives? If there are halaqas that your husband goes to, perhaps you can contact someone who runs or attends them?
The only other thing I can think of is to have your sister email the imam too and say that it's not only her husband, but it has come to her attention that there are brothers, maybe even sisters, in the community who are discussing their sex lives. If that imam gets enough emails, he could see it as a concern that needs to be discussed.
Re: Guys are like this??
You people expect way too much from masjid people. They're not
half as helpful as they're supposed to be...
Well I emailed imam told him my situation I also told him that I gave reference of hadiths (husband and wife being clothes for each other) to my husband and I asked him if he could give khutba and address this topic, but his reply want unfortunately not what I expected he was saying that you have said the right stuff I don't know what else I can do and since i*t is not common problem among Muslims* I might address it sometime in future, so not what I expected. He is not a marriage consular so I think I expecting too much from him.
oh well I would just have to figure out some other way, but one thing I know I am not going home until I know for sure that he is not going to do this again
Don't make excuses for the imam. I wouldn't be surprised that he's just afraid of discussing the 3-letter "s" word in a khutbah. He probably doesn't know how to go about the issue in his lecture.
To say that "It is not a common problem among Muslims" is a weak argument/defense. He hasn't met every Muslim in the community....and most of the Muslims that he DOES know are not going to admit such problems to him because he's the Imam. They would feel uncomfortable about being judged, about the religious leader of their community knowing about such intimate details of their lives. How many would seriously confide to him about such matters? Not many. So he can't say that it's not a "common" problem. Is he going to argue that "Drinking and gambling and fornicating are not common problems with Muslims....so I'm not going to discuss them." Is he waiting until an issue DOES become a more common and rampant problem before addressing them? Where's the logic in that?
He could have made the overall topic of the khutbah to be, Respect in Marriage.......or........the Spousal Rights in a Marriage. And he could bring up the topic of divulging bedroom secrets....just for a few moments. The whole entire khutbah does not have to center on this particular point. You could have even argued to the imam that if there's a "hadith" from more than 14000 years ago in which the Prophet SAWS advised on an issue.............then that "issue" must have been.....if not "common".....then at least a problem even back then. So how could it not be an issue.......in today's society.....considering the sex hype and bombardment in the media.
*****The imam does not know your identity.......and if I were you......I'd email him again.....and in a calm but firm tone....I'd tell him the above points that I made. I'd even offer suggestions as to how the topic can be addressed in the khutbah. And I'd try to make him feel guilty....(in a subtle way) of thinking that an issue "is not common" considering it was mentioned eons ago...and considering he doesn't know every single Muslim....and few would fess up to him. If he STILL brushes it off...............he's not a good imam. Even if it won't get him to change his mind, I'd at least find satisfaction in making him feel bad.....and it would give me an idea of him Imaming skills...for future reference.
You people expect way too much from masjid people. They're not half as helpful as they're supposed to be...
I don't think it's that we expect too much, more that you see them as a resource that you think might bring some positive change. Sometimes...a resource (person with some authority) is effective and other times it isn't. You're not putting all your hopes upon one option......just trying out the various options. At least, that's how I see it.
Reminds me of the example of politicians....the authority...the hope for change...and the ineffectiveness....the possible smugness that can come with power...sometimes the corruption.
Re: Guys are like this??
Hmmm, so right now the OP is maintaining a distance from her husband. It's possible that the time apart might knock some sense into him. But....then again....what if it backfires and makes him more resentful? The OP would have a better idea about that. If her sister's husband feels remorse for breaking his wife's trust...then maybe all parties need to discuss the issue. Maybe this time...the OP's husband will not receive any support from the BIL.....and that could humble him some.