This is gross. So sorry you had to go through all this.
Re: Guys are like this??
really really sick..... yuck
lol....I was listening to Your Betrayal by BFMV while I was reading your post and it was a coincidence.
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What your husband did was pretty shocking and sick. Not all guys are like that. Well, no normal individual is like that. I'm sure 90% of guys are not like that. What your husband did was disgusting. It is wrong.
I am reallllly sorry for you. All I can do is pray to god. I can't imagine what you are going through.
I don't really know what you should do. I would probably stay away from him for quite some time or ignore him completely.
No just an example of how idiotic it is for a grown ass women to ask for permission for anything. You should definitely inform, but no adult needs to ask for permission before completing a daily task.
Can you please name one desi guy, that doesnt expect his wife to live with his parents, cook, clean, be his maid (when clearly Islam suggests that you get a maid for her if she cannot handle the work by herself), doesnt want her to be skinny, or gori, doesnt want her to look good all the time while cleaning, doesnt want her to smell like roses while cooking desi masala, doesnt want her to wait on him hand and foot even though she works full time, or even more than he does. Just name one DESI man that listens to his wife, the first time she asks him to do something that is for his OWN benefit, like work out, eat healthy, ETC.
As soon as we suggest something, the man stops listening. He feels that since he is the head of the household he should not be told what to do or how to do it. He especially doesn't want to hear anything negative about himself or his parents, as soon as he does, instead of resolving the issue, he gets defensive, walks out and wants to be left alone.
I was listening to an Islamic lecture on this, a man does not want to listen to a women talking because he wants to be in control, he wants to hear the solution to the problem he doesnt want to hear how you feel, VS a woman who wants to vent first and than fix the problem. This is often a problem in our society. The husband does not want to listen, which leads to the women discussing her personal problems with other people, which is not justified according to Islam. The person who she speaks to may not have her well being and best interest in mind. But hey if you aint gonna listen to her SOMEONE will! You do the crime you will do the time.
Now, it is stated in many islamic lectures that human nature of men is to hear the problem, and hear the solution. But where is the resolution? What happens when a solution is being presented and the man walks away, and says he doesnt want to have to do anything with the girls family, like in this case?
How is that a man. Im sorry but selfish people like this are not men. They are spoiled children. The kind that rant and rave untill they get what they want.
Example: Beruca Salt from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate factory made in 2005. Yes she completely fits the characteristics of this type of man.
Yes I know that not all men are like that. But a HUGE chunk are. Our society has a huge problem, everyone sees it but no one is willing to offer a solution. It is also not all the man's fault. It takes two to tango. However, the fact that when faced with a problem a man will isolate himself greatly adds to the issue. Untill the man stands up, gives his wife her rights, and resolves this issue, she is not going to shut her mouth. Which may be wrong as well? But who in their right mind lets someone treat them badly and doesnt open their mouth. It is our right to inform someone when they hurt us in any way, shape, or form. However men consider this nakhre and whining.
I guess having your personal business shared with the entire world is no reason to get upset, how dare she! (SARCASIM).
haha, what can I say. I need to stand up for women. We have so many Islamic rights that men attempt to hide from us, if we discover them, we are told that "Oh its not like you follow Islam completely, you pick and choose, so you dont have the right to ask for anything that is supposed to be given to you". On top of that they expect us to keep your mouth shut.
Sorry fellas it doesnt work that way. At one point or another you will get a reality check, realize your mistakes, and regret treating people this way, but it's going to be too late by than.
hahahahahahahahahahah I almost fell out of my chair laughing.... but than I realized that Im at work.
Im doing maad zaat and aurat zaat a favor. I'm spreading my love with the ones that deserve it, not the ones that dont! ;)
Okay, this dude is one hell of a freak and no other man is like that so please stop generalizing all desi men! I feel sorry for you if you are surrounded by such people!
Don't make excuses for the imam. I wouldn't be surprised that he's just afraid of discussing the 3-letter "s" word in a khutbah. He probably doesn't know how to go about the issue in his lecture.
To say that "It is not a common problem among Muslims" is a weak argument/defense. He hasn't met every Muslim in the community....and most of the Muslims that he DOES know are not going to admit such problems to him because he's the Imam. They would feel uncomfortable about being judged, about the religious leader of their community knowing about such intimate details of their lives. How many would seriously confide to him about such matters? Not many. So he can't say that it's not a "common" problem. Is he going to argue that "Drinking and gambling and fornicating are not common problems with Muslims....so I'm not going to discuss them." Is he waiting until an issue DOES become a more common and rampant problem before addressing them? Where's the logic in that?
He could have made the overall topic of the khutbah to be, Respect in Marriage.......or........the Spousal Rights in a Marriage. And he could bring up the topic of divulging bedroom secrets....just for a few moments. The whole entire khutbah does not have to center on this particular point. You could have even argued to the imam that if there's a "hadith" from more than 14000 years ago in which the Prophet advised on an issue.............then that "issue" must have been.....if not "common".....then at least a problem even back then. So how could it not be an issue.......in today's society.....considering the sex hype and bombardment in the media.
*****The imam does not know your identity.......and if I were you......I'd email him again.....and in a calm but firm tone....I'd tell him the above points that I made. I'd even offer suggestions as to how the topic can be addressed in the khutbah. And I'd try to make him feel guilty....(in a subtle way) of thinking that an issue "is not common" considering it was mentioned eons ago...and considering he doesn't know every single Muslim....and few would fess up to him. If he STILL brushes it off...............he's not a good imam. Even if it won't get him to change his mind, I'd at least find satisfaction in making him feel bad.....and it would give me an idea of him Imaming skills...for future reference.
You are my kind of gal redvelvet if I was not ready to give up on everything right now I wouldn't have let Imam get off the hook so easily, but your post really gives me the strength to go back and email him again so Thank you.
Re: Guys are like this??
Im so sorry you had to go through this…
RV made a lot of sense about requesting this to be a topic of khutbah and presenting in such a way that he gets the message but isnt humiliated in public. Its an excellent idea and if the Imam doesnt convey the message then your other options are either involving someone on the outside he doesnt know too well or having a direct coversation with him. There are certain rules you never break and this is one of them…I know I would have wanted to slap him right there myself.
I know you’re upset and angry right now (you have every right to be) but I dont want you to stay away from your home for too long. If he hasnt apologized, he obviously isnt thinking along the right track. Give him ehsaas but make sure this doesnt turn into anything bigger.