Re: Guppies, I want to understand the male's perspective on this!
first ask ur husband to join GS
i would love to listen his side too
Re: Guppies, I want to understand the male's perspective on this!
Okay, so what is the husband doing instead? I don't believe for a second that he's not sharing his life with others around him - talking to people, hanging out with people. If you can do that with other people, you can spend a little time to do that with your spouse everyday. Don't tell me he's not going out and enjoying himself with other people.
And she clearly said she lets him have his space. How is not contacting him for a few days = talking every few minutes?
All his behaviour is showing disinterest.
Exactly! If someone wants to do something it's very easy to do so. In fact, most (if not all) people do things that they want! I'm sure the dude isn't that clueless that his wife gets upset sometimes due to the lack of communication. He knows he can easily **solve this. But he has **chosen not to.
Re: Guppies, I want to understand the male's perspective on this!
may be he is just not that into her yet? or doesn't feel compfortable.......... we don't know sh!tt about him.......... who knows if he is disinterested, being an ignoring prick, just busy, isn't mushy........ lets keep speculating and assuming stuff......and arguing about it :D
Re: Guppies, I want to understand the male's perspective on this!
I think that all we're trying to get across to the OP is that there is nothing SHE can do about it.
Re: Guppies, I want to understand the male's perspective on this!
ok u said there r good times when he is happy......
now u know wt makes him happy if anything related to u then u should do it......
Re: Guppies, I want to understand the male's perspective on this!
^she can get a bit patient......and wait till she moves in :D
Re: Guppies, I want to understand the male's perspective on this!
GS should send a delegation to meet her husband.......
Re: Guppies, I want to understand the male's perspective on this!
^she can get a bit patient......and wait till she moves in :D
Already said that in my first post.
Re: Guppies, I want to understand the male's perspective on this!
may be he is just not that into her yet? or doesn't feel compfortable.......... we don't know sh!tt about him.......... who knows if he is disinterested, being an ignoring prick, just busy, isn't mushy........ lets keep speculating and assuming stuff......and arguing about it :D
this...
& yeah ppl assume here alot.......
Re: Guppies, I want to understand the male's perspective on this!
Yeh, we can assume that talking to your spouse isn't 'mushiness' and we can assume that however busy you are, you can at least send a message or have a quick chat just to see how the other person is doing.
Which leaves "who knows if he is disinterested, being an ignoring prick".
Re: Guppies, I want to understand the male's perspective on this!
I have not read through all the posts, was going to write a response in the morning and then got busy
you guys are married, but are not married. its a nikah and on top of it, a long distance nikah right?
let him enjoy his last few months of solo life, yes married life is great but solo life has its charm, let him make the most of it
talk once, maybe twice a week, conversation should not be too serious, this is not the time to solve all kinds of problems in life
see how he is doing, interesting stuff going on, share some stuff. maybe some general stuff about married life, nothing too serious
and talking about problems u are having with another person or another person is having...look...let me simplify it for you. I love my wife dearly. it is a love marriage and we have been married for over a decade, and i love her more than I did then. i travel a lot for work, and while I am away we talk if I can, or she can, we text each other if we can, it does not change or decrease love or we feel hurt. I am not a big phone person, if i am away for a week i can handle a couple of calls, but I went on a tangent there....what I was getting at is, I simply dont really want to listen to an issue someone who I dont know or barely know is having, she knows it, I know it. just let it go.
dont have the same expectations or even close to the expectations you would have with a husband when you are fully rukhsatified and living with him, while you are not.
you wanted male perspective, and by every account, you need to give the guy space. he has no time to call you if you are constantly calling him.
Now he may be a jerk and what nots, I dont know the dude, and just heard one side and a limited picture, but you are expecting too much from someone you have a very weak real relationship with, even if legally you are married. build it slowly and dont overwhelm the dude.
one call a week, maybe 2 no more. max 30 mins, talk general stuff, no heavy stuff...talk common interests...do u have common interests? what is it that you guys talk about? is the conversation interesting from his perspective...think about it.
Re: Guppies, I want to understand the male's perspective on this!
You're asking for too much too soon.
Relax and let him come to you.
Re: Guppies, I want to understand the male's perspective on this!
First off, thanks a lot to everyone who posted here to help. Thanks a lot more to those who didn't derail the thread and took it seriously.
Secondly, there is a lot of speculation going on over here. Let me clear those out first:
Some of you are doubting his character maybe fishy thoughts about him like maybe he is already married, maybe he has affairs, maybe this maybe that. There is nothing of that sort at all. We know each other via our families as well, i do have lots of people who know him in Australia and he has always maintained a very decent image. I don't doubt his character at all and that security is there from both end. We have never (for more than a year of our relation) doubted each other's loyalty.
From what i have learnt, there have been marital problems with siblings of his and he believes an over communication when you are not together messes things up.
He is a fun loving person and when he is in that mood he is fun with me as well. What I have noticed is, he hates serious discussions, confrontations, heated debates etc. He wants complete peace of mind which is the main reason i normally slide petty things aside. I also think that discussions using emails/phone/chat usually ruin what is being said and meant. So this is also one other reason why i keep quiet but usually he does get the hint that something is wrong and he acts normal again to avoid any unnecessary debate.
He was the same in the engagement period as well but I can safely say that there is a 50% improvement from that situation. In engagement period, what vibe i used to feel was he wants to play it safe and didn't trust me enough to share his personals which he sometimes does now.
His work is actually demanding and i don't have any doubt about that. I know he works overnights, many a times and also on weekends sometimes. He is also worried about finances about the upcoming wedding since he has to plan it. But even with all this, I too am working, I too have workload (of course not as much as him), i too am worried about managing finances and above all i am very worried about leaving my family. But with even all this, my priority remains him. If i have to, i'd leave a meeting if something is important at his end. I do not ever give him excuses of being busy, even if i am busy i make myself available for him. That is a very intentional step from my end and i can't change it, he holds a lot of priority in every possible way and i sacrifice other things for it as well.
He has always told me that it takes him time to establish relations that go long term and so it may take a while. I understand it but more than a year? really? without even putting the extra effort?
Re: Guppies, I want to understand the male's perspective on this!
- Wife thinks too much, husband does not.
Re: Guppies, I want to understand the male's perspective on this!
The wife is always an angel .. The husband is always a devil .. End of story!
Sorry, had to correct it. You neglected to place 'always' there.
Re: Guppies, I want to understand the male's perspective on this!
@redvelvet : Somethings said even jokingly hurt some people. Its best to be careful about your words. Thanks for the input nonetheless & i am hopeful it will all be better when we are together.
@stoppit : The reason you and your husband talked everyday and wanted it all and it went on for 6 years was that you were in love. We aren't in love, we just passed by the getting-to-know-you-better stage a few months ago. That is why it isnt the same pool.
@psyah : I am being patient as much as i can and that is why i don't open a pendora box of stresses with him.
@partyslims : Kind of agree with your post, he is pretty clueless about how to take the relation forward. Its the first time he is in a real relation and all this is as new to him as to me. But with women, when we get officially booked we right away get THERE where we have to while the men take it slow step by step.
@Sehrysh : Agree with you again. He isnt too talkative and not too expressive either.
@X2 : Your post is what i was looking for over here. Everything you have said is right. He does want to enjoy his last few months before the wedding, but doesn't that hold true for both? Why is that my willingness to be with him or for him weighs over my need to enjoy the last few months? About talking serious discussions, again you are right. He doesn't like serious talks much and he usually tries to side line them by a joke to not make it an argument. Again you are right, he isnt a big phone person or a lets-talk sort as well. As for your last part, we already are at that pace with the calls. Its usually online that we chat often and that too when he starts it. I usually dont disturb him anymore.
@Reha : Even if its been more than a year?
@kakaballi : Agree with that as well. I should control it some how but how i dont know yet.
My main concern is that i don't even over demand time nor do i over do his space limits. If he initiates a chat, then i converse back knowing that probably he is free at work to chat, but i don't usually know that he is taking time out of work to talk and hence, i am invading his time, space blah blah issues that men have. The feeling of being loved, being cared for, being able to talk what ever you want, to be able to vent, to be able to confide, etc. seems to be missing and maybe it will take a lot more time to get there.
Re: Guppies, I want to understand the male's perspective on this!
Actually, your husband seems a good guy - he does not force things, and lets things develop at their natural pace. Since yours is an arranged marriage, you both know each other barely. He does not appear to be into "showing" his love, or expressing it yet. Possibly because he does not know you well enough.
Hang on to him - you guys will be happy together for a long, long time, and this past year will be a distance memory.
Re: Guppies, I want to understand the male's perspective on this!
LOL Abra you should be grateful, what you have described is a top bloke. This is just a clear case of too many expectations. He is not your girlfriend. Alright he is your husband but you two haven't even started living together yet. Give it a rest and let it grow at its natural pace. Being able to talk whatever and whenever you want, venting, feeling loved and all that jazz will come with time. For now, what you need is a hobby. A friendly advice - just make sure you don't start getting on his nerves with all your insecurities.
Re: Guppies, I want to understand the male's perspective on this!
@X2 : Your post is what i was looking for over here. Everything you have said is right. He does want to enjoy his last few months before the wedding, but doesn't that hold true for both? Why is that my willingness to be with him or for him weighs over my need to enjoy the last few months?
you are two different people, you make your choices on what you feel is a priority for you, he does not have to make the same choice. you can't judge him by the same criteria.
do u guys have the same level of responsibilities now? will you have the same level of responsibilities later? if he is working full-time and you are not, he has at least 8-10 hours less than you on a daily basis, so his time to himself is much more limited than you may think. and if some of that time either gets taken or interrupted by something else, it will fight for time. why put that sort of scheduling conflict on him.
you should enjoy your free time at home and with your friends too, make the most of it, once u move you will not see people so frequently and even when you do it would be for limited times. why waste this time stressing, this really is a very good time to just make the most of your single days.
About talking serious discussions, again you are right. He doesn't like serious talks much and he usually tries to side line them by a joke to not make it an argument. Again you are right, he isnt a big phone person or a lets-talk sort as well. As for your last part, we already are at that pace with the calls. Its usually online that we chat often and that too when he starts it. I usually dont disturb him anymore. .
think about what do u guys talk about, is there something u guys have somewhat common interests in. travel, sightseeing? music? movies? could be anything, what will he do when he is over for the wedding, which of his friends are coming over, could you give him info to make his free time when he is over more fun or productive. make it specific and relevant to him and yourself. as you figure out what he is interested in or not. start a silly game..online scrabble if he is into it, do a one up thing where you send him a picture of a silly thing, and he has to match it, or send him a picture of the most hilarious ass clownish sherwani saying thats what he is wearing (knowing its a joke) and he has to reciprocate...make it fun, have some laughs, dont stress out, its all cool.
some guys are not phone ppl, not just with spouses, with anyone. My dad, great guy, just not a phone person, when i was a teen and moved away for uni and would try to chat he would say he for detailed stuff i need to think about, fax me to send me a letter, ..there went that plan of action to connect with the dude :). and as far as phone guys, I used to be a total phone guy at one time, would yap for hours with people, but as schedule got busy, i became less and less of a phone person, and now i would really only make calls while commuting usually.
You're not living together...he is your husband but in practical life...not really.
Let the relationship grow on its own and naturally please.
Even if its been a year.