Re: Guppies, I want to understand the male's perspective on this!
I am in a long distance relation with husband (just nikkah,wedding to take place end of year) in Australia.
You’re busy & wife understands & does not disturb for long. But when you’re free, you don’t bother messaging or contacting her. When after long, you finally realize it you expect her to be as normal as anything even for your vanishing behavior. She still says nothing and acts normal to avoid any fuss.
Wrong of him. At the same time, the problem somewhat lies within the highlighted part of your post as well. The responsibility to inform/consideration needs to be emphasized on and you should absolutely make it clear about your expectations towards him. Continue to ignore and let him do things according to his own liking, he'll continue being stubborn and irresponsible. I'm not necessarily suggesting you grab him by the neck or be on his case 24/7 (Disastrous), just don't let your concerns go unnoticed, that is the worst any women could do to themselves and especially when their concerns are entirely valid and reasonable. You should stop torturing yourself over something that is often easily solvable, you won't know till you try, and he won't do till he knows what to do.
Wife tells you story of a third person she is worried about, you pay no interest to it since it’s about someone who doesn’t matter to you and you really don’t want to bother listening to gossip even if wife is really upset over it and wants to vent out and confide in you.
I could relate to this. What worked for me was she was straight enough and clear about what she wanted. She did find it hard in the beginning but gradually worked her way up and in a much aggressively yet positive enough way just so her reasoning could be heard, she made the efforts of making it known and once I understood the magnitude of the concerns she had was the day the 3rd person was history, despite the 3rd person being a good long friend. Sad case but no regrets in the end. Emotional yet cute little torture of deprivation is what worked for me, whereas being stubborn and angry/yelling without making much sense, didn't ever.
Wife sends you a picture of her, you hardly ever praise it. She is good looking, even more so than you are.
Not cool, at all. Be straight forward and let your expectations be known/heard. If he actually cares about you (which I'm assuming he does) he needs to understand the little things that make you happy. If he doesn't, well, stop giving him the attention/anything that he longs/craves for. I might sound revengeful here but trust me I'm not, sometimes a taste of ones own medicine indeed works wonders. Don't go overboard though. Start with depriving him off say a call which he awaits for, or the time/attention he duly expects. Work your way up, you're looking for a solution and not a disaster, so yes, consider working/remaining within certain limits.
Wife has a difference of opinion on something. She tries to reason it out with you and during the process gets a little impatient since she is unable to convince you. The situation ends on a bit of a discussion. You go to a hide out for 3-4 days and don’t act your normal self. Wife is upset over the lack of understanding and the aloof behavior, she decides not to take things to discussion level anymore since you get upset over it and act disassociated. She avoids arguments since you dislike them and keeps putting them aside for your behavior.
I'm not trying to put you at fault here, but you really need to consider looking up to your approach and try and relate to why is it that you often fail to be convincing enough. Honestly speaking, putting things/issues aside just for the sake of avoiding the arguments that ought to ensue are not the best of solutions anywhere, especially if you're looking to spend a lifetime together. Instead, put it all down to the table, make him go through your issues one by one, the more details you put in, the easier it would be for him to grasp on to them eventually.
Also give a thought to understanding the way he works, its easier/better to look for flaws/corrections/lack of understanding in ourselves before we go about pointing fingers at others for things they may not be guilty of. Speculatively speaking, I firmly believe what works for one Husband doesn't necessarily guarantee to work for the other. So hence, try finding alternative routes to get to his convincing bone, if the marriage is arranged or relatively new, ask around his family about him. The more you understand the person in question, the better you'd be and the life that follows. LDR is difficult but manageable.
You have work the entire week, you are loaded with it and she tries to be understanding and does not demand your time much. You have the weekend partly free and you still do not give her the time she needs. She gets a bit depressed.
Understandable in your case. On the contrary, there well could be reasons for his inconsiderate/irresponsible attitude too. Not at all suggesting its alright though. Now for example, If I know I have amounts of workload that is expected to be dealt with and within a certain deadline, I do often drag it along with me and at weekends. I'd sacrifice the weekend just so I could get it over and be done with. The pressure of deadlines don't help anyone of us. Its better to be safe (dealt with in due/record time) than sorry (make it late). So yes, you could consider politely yet affectionately telling him how you look forward to a certain period of time that does not accumulate to even a full day and in a week. Once he realizes the point you're trying to make, he hopefully will try and make amends.
You know she is upset over something but you never ask what it is and you carry on your casual conversation.
One of the great reasons of why some LDR's don't work (Been there, done that). Lack of communication, facial expressions that make the relationship dodgy. Misunderstandings such as this take place, so hence I'd give the man the benefit of the doubt on this one and alternatively suggest for you to consider doing more video chats instead of voice exchanges. Worked for me.
She does not contact you for 2 days, you don't do much either.
Tell him straight up about it. When there's a will there's always a way. If he's sane/deserving enough to score/earn a woman like mentioned in the OP, he should come through. Insha'Allah.
you don't call her cute, loving names or shower love in an expressive way much.
Same perspective/thoughts as above. Stop hiding yourself or your feelings/concerns in the closet, make yourself heard/known. He'll only know it once you tell him. Allah miyaan ki koi wahi naazil nahi hougee ooper sey. Sorry if this was mean though. But what you ask for is not something that will take ages for him or any man for that matter, to understand.
Please don't tell me things can't work out & such suggestions that Life1 posters usually give. I want suggestions to make it work and fix from my end not to make it worse. Its not all bad, there are many happy situations as well when he is happy and acts the same way but here i am looking for suggestions to tackle situations when they are on a low note.
p.s. Dare I suggest, don't take other peoples advice on the marriage at hand, it often works against than in favor. I'll say the same about myself and the post or the posts that follow, if it benefits you and eventually the relationship, fine. Not at all the other way around. What I'm trying to get to is, hear everyone out but do what your mind+heart tells you to. "Sunoh sub ki, karo wohi jo khud ko behtur lagaay" Either way, I tried my best to give you my perspective and with an obvious mix of personal experience.
Good luck!
…:hinna: 5amra was right
J/K