RukhsarBibi. I wouldnt agree with that. I believe in making yourself clear from the begining what are you likes and dislikes, otherwise it can create more problems in the future. Ke pehlay to khud kehti thi ke theek hai ab naak charhati hai, type of statements…
just make them understand politely and with patience that this is something that you dont like. And believe me you dont have to pretend to like something which you dont for the sake of a bunch of people, who in most cases are not honest with you.
I just think its sad that its always the bahu who is expected to compromise on things or situations she dislikes. I dont really understand what the problem is if the bahu is honest and says she doesnt like a particular thing. I have always valued honesty, and I just wonder that if my MIL can be so honest and direct right the minute after our engagement and say that she only came along cuz of her son and husband, then she really shouldnt have any issues if others are just as direct or honest as her when telling about their taste of clothes for example.
I have been in a looooong period of depression before I met my fiancee. I was forced in a nikkah and was "jailed" mentally in many years. I have fought a hard and long fight for my rights and I have become very sensitive towards the signals I get from my family and now also my in laws. I dont want to sound like I am suffering from self pitiness. I just want my basiv rights to be fulfilled, as I will also be fulfulling my duties as a daughter, sister, wife, bahu and bhabi. But I dont always feel that its a mutual thing and since both my MIL and SIL are very dominating in their own ways, I really feel a lack of respecting my needs in some sense.
I am just frustrated over the fact that life has been so hard for me in such a young age though I am very grateful to the success I have acheived on other areas of llife.
I am just in a phase of my life where I have an immense need for complete freedom and dont want anyone to interfere in my decisions. I have had loads of ppl doing that ever since I was very young and now I feel its time for me to live independently.
I only want to make decisions with my future hubby and even then I dont feel comfortable when he sometimes explains how his family needs him. I know I am sounding like a very selfish person here but I have seen examples of girls sacrificng themselves in the beginning of their marriage and getting fed up with everything after a few years. I already am fed up with some bit and parts of the paksitani culture's dominating side, so ....
the replies here cracked me up. we desies are always running a scam. so messed up is our desi culture not one person here advised you to be urself. shady.
there is a problem with trying to run a scam by doing things you would not normally do. Acting a certain way which is not normally associated with your personality. it can lead to unreasonable expectations lateron. i would say if possible try to show as much of your true personality and pray for the same in return.
exactly my initial thoughts lolly..but on second thought I came across that if a MIL or SIL dont like u and show their true personality then life is gonna be a hell…
My true personality is to be sweet to everyone but if someone hurts me or dissapoints me I take a distance from them…so if i start distancing from my MIL I will be seen as a bad DIL…
Cheetah: The politics involved in a desi inlaws setting is very complicated. They act like they like me in front of everyone. So, to keep that image they want me to stay back but i know why they really want me to stay back which i am never going to do without hubby.
Lollypop: There are no secrets as to how i feel about my inlaws. My hubby knows them too well too but does not have guts to say anything to his family. Atleast, i don't pretend to like them when i really don't! how can you like anyone when they have mentally tortured you to the point where you just want to jump out the window???
I am beyond the stage of crying my eyes out, Barfee! I have become a much stronger woman but there are days when i go back into time for a few minutes and my blood boils just thinking about the past.
Khair, Allah Mian has helped me in each and every way! Alhumdolillah!
It's not only in desi culture that you have to try to adjust and get along with your in laws. It's the case with all cultures since usually the MIL and FIL are set in their ways and will never change. Since the bahoo is from the younger generation, in order to keep the husband's family happy it's easier for her to adapt and adjust and not attempt to change their ways...because it's not possible.
Khair, Allah Mian has helped me in each and every way! Alhumdolillah!
I know and i think Allah washes away ur sins when u go through so much.
Anyways I have had messed up relatives and family all my life(like my dads brothers), thats why I wanna do everything in my power to make sure that my kids have a real family and dont have to go through what I went through sigh
it's tough when they send you presents out of so much love. I don't want to say I don't like them and break their heart :-( I don't wear some of the stuff which they slightly complained about which I didn't make a big deal out of. And the next time they sent me stuff I wore those to make them happy.
chameli420, I hope your soon to be inlaws are nice people that respect you as much as you respect them. If there is a point where you end up not liking certain things about your inlaws, just keep it to yourself, it won’t help the relationship in any way if you voice your opinions and end up causing a fight.
Don’t try to be fake in terms of your feeling towards your in laws. My in laws are fake with me but it just looks so obvious.
-Be as polite as you can and if they act like jerks with you anyway than ignore it.
-remember that you have flaws too and that no one is perfect.
-Don’t try to bring up issues that will cause arguments or heated debates because that will usually end up turning into a big fight.
Oh and whenever I get all stressed out and feel like crying buckets about how my in laws treat me I read this advice that this granny person gave, it might not completely apply to you but some things are standard in any marriage: http://www.crm.mb.ca/granny/79.html
I read the advice that the granny gave even if the problem doesn’t completely apply to me.
Oh I thought you were talking about everyday things like, something you dont like to eat waghaira..
Oh yes, its rude to say no to the presents, presents are always welcome.
Mahru, did you have an arranged marriage? Sometimes I feel that people who have love marriages end up having more supportive husbands when it comes to dealing with the inlaws....Most of the couples we know had love marriages and the guys are always very protective over their wives and so much that their parents are on their guard, like they know they can't say or do anything to offend the girls otherwise they might lose contact with their sons.
