Another topic made me realize that as a woman, one has to be careful about what signals to send at what time etc.
U cant just say things straight to the in laws fearing a negative response or perception.
So if you were to give 3 golden advices to a girl soon to get married and who wishes to have a good, balanced relationship with her in laws, what wud those golden advice be?
My own would be:
Treat in laws with respect. talk calmly in all situations and dont interfer in their personal matters
Re: Guide for dealing with in laws
I'd agree with "dont interfere with their personal matters". But in some cases, this is taken as an offence that the daughter in law isnt taking interest or saying anything in their matters.
Obviously, you shouldn't say anything which is really personal. But you have to show interest in whatever is going on in their family or in their relatives.
You really have to be brave, if you're going to live with the in-laws. If not, there's is less pressure, but more expectations.
You need time to understand each and every member of the family. Do that wisely and with open heart.
It took me atleast 2 years to finally understand my in-laws. You need to be patient. Dont blame yourself if they are expecting too much from you. Just tell them calmly that you need time to adjust (which unfortunately most of the inlaws dont understand).
Never start your gillay-shikway with anyone from their family/relatives, no matter how sincere they seem to you.
Re: Guide for dealing with in laws
First of all, when u get to know ur inlaws, be sharp and pin-point da most influential person in da family, MIL, FIL, BIL, SIL etc. for my case its MIL so this is wat i do:
always buy an exclusive gift for MIL esp if ur coming back from a trip. (trust me on this one.she wud go around boasting abt it for mthss)
always show xtra concern to MIL AND to all the ppl she holds in high regard. her mom, bros etc
last but not least, always respect everyone
even if u neva get all those things back in return hehe
Re: Guide for dealing with in laws
put them on a spaceship and blast them off into the space for a universal tour. :k:
Re: Guide for dealing with in laws
even if u neva get all those things back in return hehe
any tips on exclusive gifts for MIL, FIL...i may be going to visit them soon so need ideas..i did buy her a handbag last time.........
Re: Guide for dealing with in laws
Agree with Nisa :-) Treat them with respect.
plus you have to do a lot of smiling and say you like things that you don't like initially so you don't start off on the wrong foot.
I try to send them gifts when someone is going, b'day cards, greeting cards to let them know that they are in my thoughts and prayers.
Re: Guide for dealing with in laws
Treat them like you would treat your own family.
Re: Guide for dealing with in laws
^ Not really..
You can argue and fight with your own family, but God forbid you do that wiht in-laws.. 
I’ve heard os many horror stories abt in laws, esp MIL.. its disgusting.. makes me NOT want to ever live wtih them.. 
Re: Guide for dealing with in laws
^Exactly......to what barfee wrote
Re: Guide for dealing with in laws
I dont know Sara, I just think that if you really want to you can fix things, offcourse its gonna take alot of patience and tolerance. Regardless of how evil your MIL is, shes still older and she should hold that status.
Re: Guide for dealing with in laws
Do you all think that after marriage it's one big family with both the girl's family and the boy's family? Afterall they are all related now right? I know that the girl is now a part of the boy's family but isn't the boy a part of the girl's family too? Both families should have equal importance.
Re: Guide for dealing with in laws
I have found that by giving lots- respect, love, concern and care, has helped me all the way. By giving a lot, I receive a lot. Alhamdulilah. If there are arguments that don't involve you ( ie between MIL and her kids), don't get involved. It's best to stay quiet and only get involved when asked.
Re: Guide for dealing with in laws
yeah but what if your mother in law is so high on herself that even if you've tried everything to make her happy she still finds a way to make your life miserable. I personally have tried to be good friends with mine for a while now, I used to write her emails since she is all the way on the other side of the world and it's not always possible to talk on the phone but she never bothered to reply back even if she checks her email all the time. I've written so many just to keep in touch.
I do think the MIL should be respected but there is a point where she needs to see her mistakes too and give some importance to the Daughter in law. When you treat a person like they are a god all the time, at some point that person starts thinking they are a god. Life is just getting harder for me all because of my MIL.
Re: Guide for dealing with in laws
why does the mother in law always be portayed at the evil witch lol....?
3 golden rules
respect them like your own family (as hard as it might be if they are not as nice as your real family)
don't talk about your personal affairs regarding your husband to them
dont use your husband against them in disagreements....kabhi kabhi you see the poor guy stuck in between saas and biwi...I feel sorry for those poor guys LOL sandwich bana deti hain aurtein...!
Re: Guide for dealing with in laws
I believe that respect should be given to both MIL & FIL but I also believe they need to change their ways to accommodate for a DIL if she is not getting the respect back.
Unless this happens, there will always be issues and just because they are your in laws it doesn't mean they are always right.
A daughter in law is a person in her own right and therefore should be treated as one.
Also, both FIL & MIL need to understand that the couple have a life of their own and let them live it.
Re: Guide for dealing with in laws
Chameli: everyone has given you good advice and here are my 2 cents.
Always show respect towards them...even if it is not coming from your heart.
Never discuss anything negative about your hubby to any of them. They will only get happy to see you having problems with hubby.
Don't interfere unless you are asked too even then be very very diplomatic.
And always remember ke you are a bahoo and will remain that no matter what you do so don't expect anything from them.
I have done everything to make my mil happy but she is one woman whom no one can really make happy. I have sent her gifts expensive ones but she could care less. Some ppl you can never change so that is why don't expect anything from them.
Good Luck!!
Re: Guide for dealing with in laws
Excellent advice from Hinna. Thanks Hinna and everyone else for sharing their experience.
To inpak, (not pointing fingers at you, just relating somewhat similiar experience). My mother is exactly the way your MIL is. She checks emails but never replies back to us if we are away since she cant type too much too fast or cant spell the words correctly. Also, if my mother is using msn and I IMed her, she wouldnt reply back. This made me mad considering its my own mom. But i found out that her issues were she didnt feel comfy with typing. So if i can handle this attitude from my own mother, shouldnt i be able to take it from my MIL as well, considering that she may also have a reason for not replying.
Re: Guide for dealing with in laws
To inpak,
Yea but when I asked her whether she got my emails she always said yes and that I should keep writing. Besides, she writes emails to all of her friends, doctor and brothers so it is not the slow typing that is bothering her. I was just wondering why she never replied to mine even if I asked. Ira, it's not just the email thing, if that was the only thing I wouldn't have minded but it's just a general lack of importance given in terms of anything.
It's like Mahru's situation, nothing I've done for both my MIL or FIL was good enough for them. Whenever they come to the States, I try to find so many things to do so they will enjoy themselves but it's like they don't seem to see any of that. They do not want to even try to get along with me.
I guess some people are just lucky to have in laws they can be friends with.
Re: Guide for dealing with in laws
All of these advice are so helpful. I have been married for a little while now and even though I agree and have done most of the above, I will be moving in with my inlaws so all of these are great reminders!
Re: Guide for dealing with in laws
my father is going to pak and will most likely visit them, do you think i should send them gifts? my in laws conisist of a younger sis in law and bro in law, mil and fil?