Growing Old in America

Lifestyle Relationships
41

Re: Growing Old in America

for those two dont want to burden their kids, how about burdening your parents - as soon as kids turn 16/18 they should kick their kids out of the house

parents and kids both are burdens alike

for kids you have to have separate rooms, have to cook for them, do their laundry, spend so much money, send them to college, let them do it themselves,

kiyun ZK

42

Re: Growing Old in America

really..
the impression you and ZK are giving me is that Pakistani kids never lift a finger in their life regarding house chores. You've guys never had a part time job while you were a kid? If I wanted anything that wasn't necessary my parents wouldn't buy it so I had to work in order to get what I want.

Whats so wrong about kids paying for their tuition?

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Re: Growing Old in America

My parents never let me have a part time job. Bless their souls. I was able to get my studying done.

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Re: Growing Old in America

Nahi aisa nahi hona chahiye cuz what parents do, they wl get reward for it from Allah. Insaan kissi ko kuch nahi de sakta, yes i am sure it hurts when the parents who have done so much for their kids have to face this in end. But our faith is to do good and expect less, yes its very hard but i think as soon as we learn this our lives wl become much easier. ALSO i strongly believe parents should draw a line somewhere, definately keep enough money for their old age so that they don't have to be dependent on anyone atleast financialy.

Huh? Nobody here tried to give any such impression! Good/Bad exists everywhere and in every society so same goes for Pakistan.

I can say for most parents that they go out of their way just to make sure their kids have it easier. They would work overtime, let go of their comfort, skip their meals just to save for their kids. And this doesnt only happen with poor families, even the well to do families would sacrifice in their own way for their kids just so that the kids can have it better.

There is nothing wrong with the kids paying for their tuitions or helping their parents financially but the parents dnt let their kids do it because they dnt want to burden them. And that is the selfless quality which i believe only parents can have and i wouldnt expect the same from my kids but i would atleast hope and pray that they dont turn out jungli and prefer money over me.

45

Re: Growing Old in America

Very well put!

I agree that we should all help our parents AND our children when they need it. However, as adults, we should also take responsiblity for our own futures/retirements and do everything possible so that we're not a burden financially and otherwise on our children.

There are many elders out there who truly need help (financially and otherwise). But it irks me when some desis have this expectations that ALL their needs and WANTS should be fulfilled by their children, and thus, they choose to take 0 responsiblity for their own future (ie. 0 plans for retirement). In a way, they see their children as their "retirement plan"!

Its all about balance (although this is easier said than done at times!). Our parents need to balance taking care of their kids while doing their best to ensure that they're saving plenty of $$ for retirement, and taking care of their own health (eating healthy, exercising regularly etc). On the flip side, we also need to make sure we take care of our parents while fulfilling our responsiblities towards our spouse and our own kids.

46

Re: Growing Old in America

I know what you are saying n i agree! However as a kid i would feel its my responsibility to provide for their old age and to take care of them. Even if the parents have the money to support their old age that itself cant replace the company of their kids which is what they most need and crave for at that age. So as a kid i would think its my badluck and perhaps a saaza for me if i am however not able to be there for my parents at the time when they need me cuz they were there for me everytime and anytime i needed them even if it made their life very difficult but they stood thru it for me.

I just dont know how these kids do all this...i remember when i watched bagban for the 1st time i cried so much but i consoled myself saying no this doesnt happen in real life, this is only bollywood. But heck, it very much happens and is happening all around us and even worse.

You know i am not trying to sound all righteous and goody goody...i know i have alot of flaws n what not but one thing i know for sure is that i would neverrrr even think of not being there for my parents when they need me. And same goes for my inlaws, Infact i know i can never trust and respect a guy (or anybody for that matter) who doesnt care and give respect to his parents cuz that only shows what he is capable of doing to me for his convienence.

47

Re: Growing Old in America

impression is ones perception of what the other said. Didn't say it was bad or good I mentioned Pakistan because this is a Pakistani forum and nearly all of you are Pakistani.

and thats nice yes a lot of parents make sacrifices what does that got to do I said? I think chores/part time job helps children become independent and its a good skill to have it also makes you appreciate your parents/money more.

I don't have anything against those who refuse to send their parents to nursing homes. I just know I want to be in one.

48

Re: Growing Old in America

some of the posts here come straight from bollywood.
yes our parents are old/ sick , we should confine ourselves to a cubicle with them and make our life haram on us.

49

Re: Growing Old in America

there has to be a realization that there are cases where specialized care is needed which a family member is not equipped to provide regardless of how much time they can devote and personal/professional/social sacrifices they are willing to make, short of getting trained as a nurse.

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Re: Growing Old in America

This!

I wish people on this forum didn't malign EVERYONE and their choices without knowing the individual circumstances people face.

It would be a rare person who didn't want to take care of their parents in their old age. For those of us who love our parents, we want to love and take care of them the same way they took care of us and make the same sacrifices. But there is a reality that often times aging parents have specialized needs that we CANNOT fulfill. Asking for help, paying for help is not a cardinal sin and people who are in that situation should not be made to feel like a worthless child.

I pray first, that Allah grants my parents a long and healthy life, second, if Allah na karey they have medical needs as they age, that I have the physical means to meet those needs myself. But if the needs are outside of my ability to meet, may I have the financial means to fulfill those needs.

I am not in any way advocating abandoning parents to a medical care facility, but what I am suggesting is finding a way to meet the medical and physical needs of my parents at home, and having the help at home that gives them the best quality of care and dignity they deserve.

51

This is an awesome thread. Thanks PCG for starting it. Most of us on the forum have been blessed with awesome selfless parents. Alhumdollilah they have sacrificed and done south for us. Honestly we cant repay them if we wanted to.

But at the same time I do want to acknowledge what Kakee is saying. Parents need to take some resoonsibility for old age. Adopt healthy lifestyle...eat right, exercise, take medications on time. It would be great if they save for retirement if possible. Most parents are absolutely great but some parents forget that their children face different hardships. Kids these days are involved in a million activities from sports to Sunday school, Quran classes... The list is endless. Parents have become chauffeurs. Kids cannot compete if they are not involved in these activities. Sorry about the rant but may Allah give us all tawfeeq and make it easy for us and for our parents.

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Re: Growing Old in America

Aging is just different for this generation than the prior one. It's gonna be scary how people are going to juggle their responsibilities.

53

Re: Growing Old in America

I dunno how it is in other countries, so not sure... but here in Aus most of the desi parents i know work or have worked for a significant amount of time. In doing so, they generally accumulate a decent amount of savings for by the time they retire... and this definately is a huge help to themselves and to their children, financially.

I agree with whoever said, that parents need to be smart about how they are going to age.. so when it comes to retirement and healt issues later, they are not completely dependant on anyone else.

Besides parents, our generation should smartly structure our savings and super in a way that for whatever reason something happens to us, we dont leave our spouses/kids under huge amounts of debt.. but this is a separate issue and im going off on a different track.

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Re: Growing Old in America

A nice article relating to this issue is in Dawn newspaper:Caring for the expatriates I care for my mother back home, and it is such a daunting task, it impossible to find help at any price, I have hired three care givers so that she can have 24 hr care, and those care givers try to squeeze anything from me they can. The New-york times reported a while back that some of Desi young ones sponsor their parents when they have very young kids, they basically import baby sitters. The parents think that our kids need our help and happily come here in USA to help their kids to babysit and enjoy with lil ones. Once kids get to age for pre school (head-start) and they enroll their kids in these programs, they ask their parents to find a place for themselves because they need privacy. The parents can not go back to their home land for whatever reason, they live in their apartments and feel very depress. In Fresno California, they have meeting place, they call themselves hundred club and then tell the stories of themselves. It is sad…

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Re: Growing Old in America

Aww :(

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Re: Growing Old in America

In Malaysia now days old parents (who is Islam) prefer to go and stay at religious village not with their kids . At this village they stay in a small houses and learn abt Islam everyday. Their children will come and visit once a week or it depend on their free time.

In US - some old folks home (a one room apartment) that is under govt only cost $300 a month. They provide everything for you. If you want to go to some place that far away from your apartment you just pay the texi driver $3.00!!

My father in law had Alzheimer - he is so healthy because no stress at all. My mother in law is in stress because she dealing with person who keep repeating the same question over and over. Shower 4 times a days, forget everything that just been told etc.
Last year when they come and visit - all the sons come over to my place and discuss what is the next step.

What is the next step if their mother pass away?

  1. They will hire a nurse 24/7 to take care their father.

  2. Since one of the brother live 15 minutes a way from the house he or his wife or his kids will come over few times a day to see their father/grand father.

  3. My husband will go home and stay there for 3 months , after he come back, the first brother will go home and then the third one. Rotation. He said I dont have to go with him because our son need to have his USA education ~ bummer :(

  4. I told them (before my prob come to surface) I'm willing to take care of his father because my father in law used to lived with me for few yrs.

If his father pass away -

  1. Their mom told us she will not staying with anyone of us. Only come and visit once a yrs. She loved her house back there she love her friend her activity and she is so close with her grand kids over there.

My father already pass away - without sickness or anything. Pass away peacefully after pryer. The only I have is my mother who is almost 70 ys old.

  1. My sister (who is my mom fav daughter) is taking care of her. They live far away from the city.

  2. We (9 of us) contribute money to this sister so she can buy anything that she want and our mom wanted.

  3. If one day our mom cant walk, sick etc we will pay for the maid.

  4. If I move back to Malaysia I will stay with this sister so she dont have to worry leaving my mom alone while she go teaching.

57

Re: Growing Old in America

man oh man

i dont know where to begin, what you wrote has nothing to do with the post you quoted

what i sad was, parents should make their kids earn on their own, let them pay their own tution, if they live in their house, pay rent, buy their own clothes, so that they are less or no burden to them (the parents)

58

Re: Growing Old in America

Y bother having kids at all, if u dnt want to spend on them and dnt expect them to take care of you in your old age? It seems like an awful waste of time and energy.

Our parents run around for us and try their best to equip us for life and v shudnt abandon them in old age. Regarding the dilemma PCG I dnt knw, it's quite hard but v have to do our best.
**

“Rabbir hamhuma kama rabbayani saghira “ O Lord! Have mercy on them both as they did bring me up when I was young
(Al-Quran 17:24)

**

59

Re: Growing Old in America

that's a lot to ask of a wife to take care of your parents especially if they are immobile and can't use the toilet, etc on their own.. i don't think many wives would want to clean their in-laws' behinds

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Re: Growing Old in America

definitly..............