Growing Old in America

Lifestyle Relationships
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Nursing home costs about 80,000 per year and then a live in-nursing aid (even just for day time) also costs more or less the same, possibly about 10,000 more.

Desi families, historically, have never had a problem keeping their elderly at home. There’s always someone, usually a woman, who sits at home who can help with elderly. And in Pakistan, help is so cheap, that having an aaya, is not too difficult for a lot of families either.

But a lot of our famliies are now increasingly living the American lifestyle. We live in nuclear families, we tend not to live with elderly. Many of our grandmothers are in Pakistan still.

But what what are we gonna do, when our parents get old. You get one stroke, and it can debilitate you and you go from being on your own to requiring 24 hrs of care. I don’t know of any volunteer programs in mosques that will come out to your home and provide you a caretaker for less cost or no cost out of charity, and there are no adult day cares in masjids either. (All things that local religious communities COULD work on, but of course, they don’t have the resources or the imagination).

Anyhoo, given that a lot of people on this website are career people, how are you going to manage this?

I was just thinking about this in the morning - was on television the average cost of a nursing home and live in help, and I dont want either. Even with a live-in nurse, man those ladies can be really awful. You pay them 20 bucks per hour, and given that sometimes there is elder abuse, that’s not even worth it. I’d rather take care of my parents on my own.

So I figured, I have the luxury of a job where I can work nights and make a pretty decent amount and then hang out at home during the day, if it came down to it. My sister can cover weekends and other such days, and can take care of any other financial needs that I can’t cover.

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Re: Growing Old in America

I am not in USA but I dont need any caretaker for taking care of my parents. I will do that myself as everyone does here despite their careers or businesses. My parents gave me the best years of their lives so no matter what, no old homes for them. They will stay with me throughout their lives.

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Re: Growing Old in America

NO to old home for parents. Whatever i am..or who i am..from my parents. If they wouldn't have brought us to this country God knows where we would have been. Me and parents have disagreements but i will never leave them. Be it..if they want to stay in my house as well. And same idea..as my whoeva my wife is gona be. If her parents have no where to go and nobody to take care of them..then my doors are open. Of course easier said then..but i believe in this very strongly.

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Re: Growing Old in America

that's all nice and all.

except my question was more to the logistics...HOW are you gonna do it?

Look at the number of hours you work now considering it's likely a day job. Who in the family has agreed to give up their job? Is there already someone who agreed they're staying at home? You dropping parents off to cousins when they can't take care of themselves, etc?

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Definitely we should not put parents in nursing homes. They can depressing and staff is not necessarily loving or has the incentive to do back breaking work.

It is rather difficult to cater to older folks especially since even stay at homes have a million responsibilities. It is definitely to wait on them hand and foot. That's why I think it is important that ALL the kids do their share to take care of their parents. Usually the burden falls one or a couple of the kids while the others look the other way.

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Re: Growing Old in America

but since the DILs want to throw them out.......and Son in Law won't have them either......... what is the other option??

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I live in Canada...and I am the only child to my parents, so I already know that I will be the one to take care of them...and I have already made it very clear to my husband that my parents will be living with us..there is no discussion about it.

I am already working towards it...the first thing is for me to have my own place...as for a job..there are always jobs you can find to do during the night...and I will not be too bothered if it is according to my career or not...so far I feel I will have my husband's support, because for him the most important thing is also to take care of our parents...

But I don't know what will happen in the future..if things will go according to plan or not..

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Re: Growing Old in America

I want to be in a nursing home when I'm too much :( but my SO said NO

I don't think he realizes how hard it is for the kids to take care of their parents that don't recognize them.

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Re: Growing Old in America

No offense but judging from your posts you are not pakistani and dont have pakistani roots so you wont understand. Its a cultural/religious thing

If needed I will hire a dedicated helper/nurse. Plus I would also expect my future wife to take care of my parents (while I am at work).Yes I will discuss it before we get married. Moreover I also have younger siblings.

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Re: Growing Old in America

I'm sorry but you're wrong. Its more of an ASIAN thing not just Pakistanis and I don't have to be Pakistani to know that I don't want to be a burden to my children.

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Re: Growing Old in America

It is true most if not all DIL's and SIL's want their privacy and don't want too much intrusion - many don't want to take complete responsiblity for them. If you or your spouse is the only child then there is no question the burden falls on 1 child. However, what about those families that have 9 or 10 children and ONLY 1 or 2 children step up to the plate to take responsibility for the parent(S)?

THAT IS WRONG! When some of the children look the other way and say that their wives or husbands are not cooperative. In North America Housewives don't typically just stay at home. They run around doing a million things. So one thing pakistani families need to understand is that all the children (this includes female children) need to feel responsible.

One other thing is it fair that my husband expects me to take care of his parents and at the same time feels that my parents are not my responsibility but of my brothers? We need to change this mentality. As a female my Jannat lies beneath my parents feet not my inlaws feet. NO I will not stop my husband from taking care of his parents but Paki men also need to realize that their wives have responsiblity towards their own parents if they are alive.

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Re: Growing Old in America

I am not against parents of their spouse living at home...what is personally bothersome to me is when MILS or FILS are interfering in the family dynamics. I hate the blackmailing tactics that some of them use sometimes (Don't saying all parents do it but some definitely blackmail and play the card that your kids wont' be successful or take care of you if you don't do this.

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Re: Growing Old in America

^Why argue on whether other children should also contribute? Why don't you think that since you are taking care of your parents alone you will get all the reward in the Hereafter? Why do you view taking care of your parents as a cumbersome task and not as something you would love to do? Afterall they also took care of you when you were young right? They didn't bothered about their privacy when you were young and neither did they leave any stone unturned in ensuring you had the best living so why should you back out?

As far as daughters taking care of their parents is concerned, that is not possible because after marriage daughter moves out of her parents home therefore realistically she can not take** full care **of her parents except financially. I personally have no issues if my spouse wants to take care of her parents. She can help them financially and if my parents agree she can also have them moved over to my place.

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Re: Growing Old in America

REALLY?

So, being a full grown man, it is still up to your parents to decide the care of another incapacitated elderly?

Woah.

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Re: Growing Old in America

I'm assuming you live in North America? If so, the cost is about 75-80,000 per year - can you foot that bill? And that's not a full time nurse, that's part time during the day assuming someone in the family is in the same house sleeping at night with the elderly to catch if there are any problems at nights - falls, wanderings, etc.

If not living in North America, typically what is the cost for help - let's say you hire some nurse just for the day?

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I live with my parents in THEIR house and have no plans of abandoning my parents to move into my home so yeah I do need their permission. Secondly I am pretty sure that if my spouse's parents were incapacitated, my parents would never refuse.

No I dont. I live in Pakistan, and based on my current financials (which I hope remain same or improve in future), I can afford a proper full time nurse. In Pakistan, a full time nurse wouldn't cost more than 30k per month

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Re: Growing Old in America

Don't be so quick to judge.

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Re: Growing Old in America

Oldies in America like their independence just as much as the kids do. Many oldies don't want someone living with them, many oldies resent being taken care of -- just as when their kids reach adulthood, they resent interference from their parents or in-laws.

Also, go see the Iranian movie that just won Best Foreign Film "A Separation" to see just how difficult it is to take care of an Alzheimers patient at home. (Go see it anyway -- it is a terrific movie.)

My mother, thank God, is in great health at 81, but I can see little cracks in the edifice. But I remember how her parents would not allow her to take care of them, because they considered it insulting that anyone should think they couldln't take care of themselves. Especially when Alzheimers or senile dementia is setting in. They know they're losing it, so they hide it as much as they can, and they fight and get upset at even their own daughter at the suggestion that they are not completely in control, because of their own fears about it.

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Re: Growing Old in America

I would take care of my parents full-time.

Another thing that I've noticed a lot and hate is that our society tends to have this... "daughters can't do anything cos they're married lolz"-mindset. Parents a duty to ALL their children, not just the sons. If the sons can do something financially, the daughter should take care of the parents physically. Men need to realize that their wives have parents too, and her life isn't separated into two parts (daughter/wife)....she's still a daughter once married.

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So what PCG was asking does not really apply to you. And by the same token you won’t understand this dilemma from NA desi perspective.