Growing Old in America

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Growing Old in America

I have a friend who's father has got dementia and cannot even feed himself. This gentleman feeds his dad with his own hands at dawats , he does not leave his dad at home when he goes out to dawats. I am proud of this guy. May Allah create such love in all of us for our parents. Ameen.

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OMG, I love this!!!

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mA. You know reading this i was like WOW…but in actual the guy is doing what he is suppose to do but since nobody around us even us included dnt do it, cases like this real stand out :k:.

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Re: Growing Old in America

Exactly. The situation in North America is VERY DIFFERENT. Not sure how it is in different european countries or canada, because their health systems are a little more functional than ours.

In America, healthcare costs are HIGH. of all the topics that are of inerest in the election, healthcare right about tops it with "the war on terror", if that gives people in pakistan any idea.'

In Pakistan, hired help is relatively cheap.

For example, my daddimaa...alright, reasonably functional, still cooks but is slow at it and sometimes needs help, sometimes gets imbalanced, so falls are a fear. We have my youngest chachi in-house, who can watch her. But if we need to all go out, she's ok hanging out on her own for a few hours. We can hire a maasi who comes in and cooks roti and helps out with housework, so my daadi doesn't do AS MUCH housework as she used to. I remember she used to do the jharoo in her house herself, no more. Now if she lived in my house in America, I'm no longer in that home, my sister is at school 24-7 and essentially lives on campus, and my mom and dad both work...so who would watch her and make sure in her dementia she wont burn something down? No one. Maybe I could pull a cousin or something to watch her, but that's about it. And my cousins are all kids. I'd essentially have to go to the mosque and ask some muslim woman to donate her time and watch my grandma, OR hire a nurse, but that would financialy annhilate us as my grandma has no health insurance here, no medicare or anything.

So, she has to stay in Pakistan. If nukes start being dropped on Pakistan and the family has to move here, I have NO IDEA how we'd be taking care of her, other than that people would have to take turns sitting at home with her.

My other grandma, who has passed, had fallen a few years before her death and broke her back. Falls in the elderly are common ; she tripped over a crawling grandkid. So she was in constant pain, constant suffering, and the family had to hire a nurse who hung out during the day to help take her to the bathroom and such. In the evening, her daughter (one of my unmarried aunts) served the function of a nurse. Family learned her meds, how to take her BP, and the whole thing, so she was taken constant care of...now if she was in the USA, she would need a HIGHER SKILLED LEVEL OF NURSING CARE, so the nurse would actually cost way more (it wouldn't be a nursing aide, but probably an LPN of sorts that would see her, maybe a physical therapist to come to her home). That would cost us over 100,000 given she has no medicare or medicaid.

So...you see what we're talking about here? We're talking HUGE healthcare costs, and taking care of the elderly in the States in your own home ends up being REALLY expensive, which is why a lot of families choose nursing homes. It's sad, but there are reasons for it, that don't exist in Pakistan. What I am afraid of is the day my parents suffer a stroke or have any issues taking care of themselves, because even having a decent job myself, I dont think between my sister and I that we could afford a live in nurse. We could MAYBE tops afford someone who could come out to the house and take a look at the parent, but I can do that myself to be quite honest. Not every family has a kid who is a health care providor though, and so that becomes a huge issue. Right now, I can tell you that we didnt let my sister go out of state for education, MAINLY so there was one kid sitting back and watching the parents JUST IN CASE something happens, and I can tell you, my sister has been pretty bitter that I got out, and she didn't. So, these are the realities with living abroad now. I think our generation is really gonna feel the brunt of it, because a lot of our homes have now become nuclear, and girls are increasingly not staying at home anymore.

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Re: Growing Old in America

If you are willing to do it, you are always going to find a way. I work, study full time ( super hard major for me!!), and manage entire household, and still find time to look after my mom. My younger sister helps me with taking care of our mom too .. but thats about it.. … mom cant even stand up without any help.. so we have to take her to bathroom… give her bath .. dress her and stuff. We always try to make our schedule in a way so one of us is always with her.
Lol, we cant even leave her alone for an hr.. because this teeny tiny woman thinks she gain some kind of super woman powers and tries to do all the “exciting” and thrilling stuff that shes not allowed to do in our presence. :hoonh: I been getting suggestions to send her to a nursing home.. but theres no way in hell I am gonna do that!!
I do not know what future holds for us. Tbh, I have so much on my plate.. I dont want me to be overwhelmed about thinking whats gonna happen once im married and stuff. For now, I just want to finish my bachelor, get a real job and study alongside for a masters degree, and sponsor somebody from back home :smiley: to accompany my mom .. ad help me with coooking and stuff.
having said that, we did have to send our grand pa away as per doc’s recommendation. It was one of the most heart wrenching experience for me. last time I saw him, he was sitting in front of the entrance at lunch time waiting on us, and wouldnt eat his meal!! And when they served him lunch.. he kept on insisting me to eat first ( just coz im so awesome at skipping meals :D)

anyways .. it was bad itt was so depressing.. and I just pray to God that may He call us to Him before making us dependent on His creature ..

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REally??? :bummer: oh wow.. its a very brave thing to say and rather selfless. Once I get a real job, I dont think I would ever be able to sacrifice my career. There are days I am literally pulling my hair apart trying to manage all the stuff u know .. I dont think after putting so much effort towards my education and being under so much debt ( ahem). .I could let go off my career easily.

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Oh my God, Allah aap ko jannat dein. I can’t even imagine being in a situation like this, may God give you STRENGTH.

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If you guys in NA who don't have family or brothers there, why do you want to live over there? I know everyone has personal reasons but I would never live someplace where I don't have family to support me. Were you guys born in NA?

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Re: Growing Old in America

Mashallah, May Allah shower you with his bounties , mercy and make this and after life full of joy and happiness for you and your sister. Ameen.

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Sanaabc: Wow....what an inspiring post! I wish you all the best.... :)

Yes, many desis are born here...and there are even more (like myself) who was brought to NA as young children by parents. As a result, for MANY of us...this is our home.

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frankly, i dont know/care whats going to happen to me when im old but i am glad my parents will not have to through this in their old age

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send parents to pakistan.......and pay for the nurse ..........

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So...Pakistan is your nursing home?

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it could be......if some could neither afford nursing in america nor spare time for their old parents..........

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Why even bother “paying” for the nurse? if u cnt frickin get time out for them and prefer your jobs over family then you mite as well send them to edhi centre and get them looked after for free…after all they dnt deserve to be taken care by their own kids cuz jobs r more imp! :nook: we cnt survive on a simpler life but with family, we rather have a lavish life even if it means our parents/famiy have to be sent to care centres. Jussttt Great!

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Yah, you should forget about working. Forget about your rent, mortgage, food, water and basic living supplies support your parents. Help them you're qualified enough for two elderly adults.

Who cares if you have children who need to be fed and taken care of too? Who cares about the intimacy between you and your husband.
What? You want a social life? No, your parents supported you and raised you so you have to be with them and not let a stranger whos qualified take care of your parents.

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if you would have cared to read my post, you would have figured that i didnt say you should leave yr job and go starving! i am talking about those kids who prefer to move to diff cities/countries for better jobs when at present they have absolutely fine jobs which r providing them a comfortable life and the priviledge of staying with their parents and taking care of them. But hey, no they rather earn more…maybe they wl soon be able to have “gold” for their meals, ahhh what fun :smiley: …:rolleyes:

And funny u mention your “kids”, dont forget your parents did the same and even more for you when you were kids and in return you gave them nothing nada…so yr kids r gonna turn even more wonderful than u :k: so keep those fingers crossed. You and your intimacy with your husband :smack: yahhhh okk i m nt asking u to have yr parents/inlaws sit in yr bedroom and watch u. All excuses!!! i see couples living alone complaining of the lack of intimacy too, i guess in their case its the “bhoots” and jinns which cause it.

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Re: Growing Old in America

because my rant was about you wasn’t it?

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I don't normally post but with this topic I though I would chime in.

My father who is in his late 60's has Parkinsons, Dementia and Diabetes. He has a number of appointments every other week and nurses visit at least twice a week to change the bandages on both of my dads legs, currently a nurse will visit four days a week as my dads legs are very swollen. He can hardly remember anyone besides immediate family, requires complete assistance in going to the bathroom, change of clothes, shaving, beard, bathing, eating etc. He also has around 8 pills to be taken three times a day. Anyway you get the picture.

Now after Uni I went to work in London, this is roughly when the illness manifested itself in my father. I spent 6 months there and asked for a transfer back to the north of the country and carried on living at home. I used to work for a consultancy and they had to lay me off as most of the jobs were down south so after a couple of months I found something relatively local where I can travel to and fro.

Now dont get me wrong it is not easy for me or anyone seeing my father in such a position especially when my dad was one of the men who used to lead the prayer at the local mosque but would i ever consider placing him in a care home? Never. I admit it's difficult looking after him and I had to adjust my life because of it but I would never alter my decisions, if anything I shouldn't have gone to London to begin with.

The rest of my family lives close by and some days they have him for the day and at night me and my mum take turns to sleep next to him. Alhamdulillah I have a great family and everyone chips in to help.

I just pray to Allah to allow us all to look after our parents when they need us and to see it as a blessing rather than a burden.

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Re: Growing Old in America

That makes me sad although perhaps inspirational for others. I would never want my children to have to take care of me as a parent its my job to take care of them and I don't see it as abandonment to be put in a nursing home. I want them to live life fully and not want them to be taking care of their mother. They can visit me and I'll be able to live peacefully without worrying if I'm causing any trouble.