Not at all. There are no definite answers in life. Traditionally, sons stay with parents after marriage. I didnt invent that tradition. And if it something is done a particular way in a culture, then you expect it to go that way.
And you still don't get what they're saying as well? Interesting...
They are basically saying that if parents can learn to live without their daughters, why cant they learn to live without their sons too. Because this is what they have seen all their life, for God's sake. How many sons in laws will be ready to be ghar damad please let me know?
Right, and if we all agree with the same thing, why the conflict? Isn't that what your friend did? But you're not happy with that decision of hers. And isn't it what the others here in this thread are also saying, which you're vehemently disagreeing with and not seeing their point.
I cant program myself to feel a certain way. I feel bad for her MIL, shoot me for that.
I don't get it. On one hand you're saying that the MIL was prepared that her kids will leave the nest, and on the other hand you're accusing your friend of possibly the biggest crime ever committed of practically forcing her husband out of his childhood home. Why put all the blame on the girl? If the guy was that attached to his mother who took such good care of his wife, wouldn't he want to stay in his parent's house? Why would he leave then? Why wouldn't he want his wife to be taken care of even more by his mother, and stay in his own house, and take on the expenses of maintaining another house? Let's be fair, 2 people left that house, and everyone in that house according to you knew it was meant to happen, so I honestly fail to see a huge issue here. Yes, the MIL was nice. Yes your friend is lucky enough to have a MIL who treats her like her own daughter, and yes she misses her kids, but it does not in any way mean that your friend has done anything terrible or like you've said a few times already, MAKE her husband leave his parents. It's absolutely ridiculous the spin you keep putting on an issue that frankly speaking the 3 people in question are more well versed about and know more about than you who is an outside unless you happen to be living with them and eating and drinking with them day in and out. And even then, you can never ever know the true feelings and sentiments of someone because only that person will know it. Is it possible that the MIL is possibly paying lip service and is saying she misses her kids? Yes! It's entirely possible. And it's absolutely possible that the MIL is also GLAD that she doesn't have to cook 10 dishes for 1 person and only has to make a simple salan roti for her and her husband. And she might even be glad she has the one lone bathroom in the house all to herself again finally. Because it's possible that while her bahu rani is taking a long ass shower, she has to wash her hands to cook 10 more dishes for her.
Let me clarify myself. I am not saying she committed a crime. Even according to Islam a son is allowed to shift from his parents house after getting married, just like he is allowed to marry 3 more women, but if any of your's husband marries another woman, you will be crying buckets and you will call him a cheat and a fraud. A women in an arab country, on the other hand, will be perfectly ok if her husband marries another women, because its quiet normal there. So you see, its all about the culture. Culture shapes your feelings.
Yes MIL was mentally prepared. And btw it isnt like her MIL is badmouthing her or anything, she is just sad, are you blaming her for that?
And yes obviously my friend MADE her husband leave her parents, why else would he leave them. And they had a big house, with lots of bathrooms, dont you worry about that.
A friend of mine recently shifted from her in laws home, who are also her relatives. She just had a baby too. Her MIL is really sad, even though she knew long ago that ultimately her son and dil will leave. Her MIL is really loving and caring. What should one do in such a situation without feeling like crap?
I think the trend is changing in terms of joint family systems, I don't think someone leaving a house should be interpreted as if she made the guy leave. Islamically as well as far as I know its encouraged if a couple have their own pad, society frowns upon a lot of things that aren't deserving to be frowned upon.
Ofcourse there is a time in everyone's life when BOTH sets of parents will require support when they can no longer fend for themselves and hence will deserve to live with their kids but a couple looking to move on and have their own household shouldn't be looked at something as taboo (not saying you are doing that ofcourse :-) )
I think the trend is changing in terms of joint family systems, I don't think someone leaving a house should be interpreted as if she made the guy leave. Islamically as well as far as I know its encouraged if a couple have their own pad, society frowns upon a lot of things that aren't deserving to be frowned upon.
Ofcourse there is a time in everyone's life when BOTH sets of parents will require support when they can no longer fend for themselves and hence will deserve to live with their kids but a couple looking to move on and have their own household shouldn't be looked at something as taboo (not saying you are doing that ofcourse :-) )
Agree with most of the things yo said but:
1. Obviously guys leave because of their wives, unless they have issues with their parents or need to move for reasons like job/studies etc.
2. Dont you think if the house is spacious, there is privacy, and most of all there are bathrooms, just imagine (seems like you guys have a shortage of bathrooms in the west), then shouldnt the dils be willing to compromise a bit and stay?
3. WHY CANT PARENTS ENJOY HAViNG THEIR KIDS AROUND WHEN THEY ARE IN GOOD SHAPE? Do they have to be sick, old, and dying to have the luxury of having their kids around?
No one is talking about priorities. We were talking about relationships - putting ones relationship over the other. And who said wife needs to keep medical records? You miss the point overtime sigh
Whether you believe/like it or not...one relationship will always come before the other. For most people, that relationship is their mother which is beautiful.
My point with the medical records was an example: your mommy and daddy...if you don't like taking care of them...why would anyone else? Especially someone who has no khoon ka rishta with them?
JK. Nope, like I mentioned above, I was just wondering what will I do if I find myself in a similar situation in the future, thats why I posted this question.
This is the biggest myth in Pakistani history that sons are made to do anything. This is a hilarious notion by their mothers that bechara beta left because of evil bahu. Dude leaves because he wants to. And you'll get your answer about how willing he was by how many times he goes back home per week. A person who wants their parents in their life will do anything in their power to stay in it.
And the friend could have lived with her mil and totally grow to hate her. I mean making the poor mil live with a person who hates her is also sad, no? There are short term goals and long term goals. Either let them part when they're friendly so they remains friends for life or live together until your friend prays for her mil to die. (One of my friends was so happy when her dadi died so it can happen). Your friend chose something that will create more peace in long term rather than for only a short while.
Agree with most of the things yo said but:
1. Obviously guys leave because of their wives, unless they have issues with their parents or need to move for reasons like job/studies etc.
2. Dont you think if the house is spacious, there is privacy, and most of all there are bathrooms, just imagine (seems like you guys have a shortage of bathrooms in the west), then shouldnt the dils be willing to compromise a bit and stay?
3. WHY CANT PARENTS ENJOY HAViNG THEIR KIDS AROUND WHEN THEY ARE IN GOOD SHAPE? Do they have to be sick, old, and dying to have the luxury of having their kids around?
Why is unfathomable that even a guy would want more privacy or have a house that him and his wife could truly call their own?
Bathroom thing was a tongue in cheek, don't worry most ghars here have teen chaar latreen :p
Why do kids have to live with their parents for them to enjoy them? Why can't people have healthy loving relationships otherwise? Some elders in my own family did not recommend joint system to their kids because of their own terrible experiences, sometimes it has nothing to do with the guy being forced and everything to do with how each situation is different.
Both systems can work depending on the people, I know some people (including guppies here on GS) who have had a great time in joint system while for others it was horrid. One set of people are not necessarily being forced to do anything if they don't follow the established 'tradition' in our culture.
According to Islam, it isnt a wife's duty to raise kids, but most women do that anyway. Love how people refer to Islam here when it suits them.
Biologically, instinctually every mother on the planet - every creature that gives birth is hard-wired to take care of her children. The beauty of Islam of the Quran is nowhere is it mentioned/commanded that a mother shall love her child - it's built in. We cannot escape it unless u do hard-drugs or have mental problems...
Thats why the command for children, regardless of sex, must take care of their children. Anyway.. u just did the 'twist-Islam-to-suit-men' thing that i mentioned in an earlier post. So. U know.
This is the biggest myth in Pakistani history that sons are made to do anything. This is a hilarious notion by their mothers that bechara beta left because of evil bahu. Dude leaves because he wants to. And you'll get your answer about how willing he was by how many times he goes back home per week. A person who wants their parents in their life will do anything in their power to stay in it.
So the bechara, masoom son was living peacefully with his parents for 27-30 or so years of his life without any problem, and didnt leave when he was much younger, which would have made much more sense. After his marriage he suddenly has an awakening, that he needs to leave, that he needs to be independent. And you say the wife has nothing to do with that? Sorry, I dont buy that.
And the friend could have lived with her mil and totally grow to hate her. I mean making the poor mil live with a person who hates her is also sad, no? There are short term goals and long term goals. Either let them part when they're friendly so they remains friends for life or live together until your friend prays for her mil to die. (One of my friends was so happy when her dadi died so it can happen). Your friend chose something that will create more peace in long term rather than for only a short while.
Agree with the part that its better to leave before things get worse.
Why is unfathomable that even a guy would want more privacy or have a house that him and his wife could truly call their own?
The privacy part hits home but if the house is really huge and family isnt prying the kind then it doesnt make sense.
Why do kids have to live with their parents for them to enjoy them? Why can't people have healthy loving relationships otherwise? Some elders in my own family did not recommend joint system to their kids because of their own terrible experiences, sometimes it has nothing to do with the guy being forced and everything to do with how each situation is different.
Both systems can work depending on the people, I know some people (including guppies here on GS) who have had a great time in joint system while for others it was horrid. One set of people are not necessarily being forced to do anything if they don't follow the established 'tradition' in our culture.
Biologically, instinctually every mother on the planet - every creature that gives birth is hard-wired to take care of her children. The beauty of Islam of the Quran is nowhere is it mentioned/commanded that a mother shall love her child - it's built in. We cannot escape it unless u do hard-drugs or have mental problems...
Thats why the command for children, regardless of sex, must take care of their children. Anyway.. u just did the 'twist-Islam-to-suit-men' thing that i mentioned in an earlier post. So. U know.
You keep ignoring our culture. Do you think most son in laws will be respectful towards their in laws if they move in with them? Let alone respect, do you think they will even let them move in?
Are you even married?! How old are you? You’re making a lot of assumptions about situations you know nothing about lol. Let me clue you in on something…when a man and and a women get married, get intimate, start making a life together, things change. Priorities change. People change. It’s not bad or negative or evil…its natural. It’s perfectly normal for a son to want to his own space, own household, with his wife and kids even if he never mentioned it before or never thought about it prior to marriage. It’s called natural progression. Stop blaming the dil for everything. You are personifying the very things that are wrong in our “culture”.
Geminifromkhi, it makes a lot LESS sense to move out when you're younger and probably more naive.. My brother and I moved out of a large home (6 beds, 5 baths, pool etc).. Our dad wanted us to move, he thought it would do us good and make us much more independent.. It was not about space at all.. He also knew that family politics and drama tend to be a fairly common side-effect to adults living under the same roof in our culture.. I chose to move out before marriage and my brother moved out after (tho he is bk there now), in much smaller homes but only 10-15 mins away.. We'd pop in during the week and at weekends.. We moved out when we could afford to pay our own bills and stand on our own two feet..
Amongst our own relatives back home the majority post-marriage are not in the same living space as their parents now.. On my Mum's side it's common to live in the same building but on different floors where everything is self-contained.. if someone wants to move further away no-one starts crying or kicking up a fuss tho.. On my dad's side they tend to live in separate homes but close to each other.. Yes, you can't change society but you can quite EASILY make changes inside your own family.. 'It's tradition' is a convenient excuse to justify things when logic and reasoning go out the window..
Also Islam is brought into the argument by some ppl to counter the false assumption that our religion encourages us to live with inlaws (it does NOT).. Your point about Arab women being totally ok with their men getting another wife is also incorrect.. Notice the sky high divorce rates in some of of their societies (where their women can easily divorce and remarry without difficulty).. Arab parents demand separate housing for their daughters when they marry and they're free to write additional clauses into their nikah as well (stuff most of us couldn't even dream of.. don't some of our girls even have their right to divorce scratched out lol).. Some women will turn a blind eye to their husband bedding another women but many will not if/when given the choice..
Why would an unmarried person leave their parents? When a guy gets married he wants to be the man of his own castle too. It's very very natural. Guys have hopes, and dreams and aspirations as well. He starts planning for his own kids and making changes. Every change he wants to make in his parents house will always be difficult and he might even be scared to displease his parents by doing the exact opposite of his parents.
All the dils reading this forum, including that insensitive, evil friend of mine, do whatever you wwant, I am off to sleep.