Re: Get to know him
you mean gori :halo:
Re: Get to know him
While I totally support any efforts, including this one, that are made to improve the system by which we pick mates, I just want to say that this ‘get to know you more' is a bit over rated. If this worked so well, we would have had great success stories from the cultures that practice it to the full extent. Getting to know the other better will definitely help in eliminating the obviously unmatched but it is no silver bullet to a successful married life.
Re: Get to know him
I don’t think anyone is saying that ‘getting to know’ someone is a hundred percent guaranteed success (nothing is 100% guaranteed in life other than taxes and death) but not getting know someone is like shooting in the dark. The probability of that union to fail is more than any conscious risk that you take otherwise. This issue is not to be laughed off or taken lightly…It is mind boggling to see girls depressed cuz of their own inhibitions, and it’s funny to see them blaming others left, right and center.
Statistics that favour arranged marriages look better or equal not because the marriage was ‘arranged’, there are other ‘pressures’ that girls and guys succumb to.. These are the same people who got pressured to sign up for arranged marriage in the first place. Of course it works.
WitchDr, according to your theory any two individuals could and should be able to make it work? is that correct?
Re: Get to know him
Fayz Bhaijaan, I totally agree and I am sorry if it came out the wrong way. The point I am trying to make is that when I look back at my marriage and also look at close friends, cousins around, I am convinced that the foremost need is to educate guys and girls who are around that phase of life, regarding marriage. What marriage is and what it is not. So that when they are getting to know someone, they have an idea as to how to approach it.
Re: Get to know him
AJ bhaijaan, I was just talking in general. I agree people should know what marriage is all about before they get into it. Personally, I think 20's is the worng time haha! but I'll get shot for saying that. It's the time when you are experiencing life yourself, forming a personality..identifying likes and dislikes. Asking to find a spouse is obviously overwhelming..getting arranged married is the easier way out. It's like choosing a major you select in your freshman year which you hate with the passion by the time you graduate. Some people live their lives with the degree they get...some reevaluate their life, career & aptitude, since now they have a better understanding of themselves.
Re: Get to know him
^ agree with ahmedjee, marriage is not all roses and peaches. there is a lot to it than most ppl can imagine regardless if its arranged or not.
Re: Get to know him
I agree, 20s is young. The age we mature at is slowly moving away. Yes, there were times when people would lead armies into war when they were seventeen but these days we can’t even trust a teenager with his school teacher. I know 25 year olds who can’t balance their check books, how are they going to manage a home.
Re: Get to know him
ask their wifey to do it for these mummy’s boys:D…lol
or ask their career hubby to do it for their “i’ve never been out of my parent’s house” gals:clown:…
so marriage is a matter of balances…if both partners have same qualities and same flows…it’s gonna get into deep trouble, unless parents are floating their boat:halo:
btw you can’t compare the east and it’s arranged marriage with less than 2% divorce…cause people don’t divorce for the same reasons as they get marriage: social presssure, emotional and financial blackmail:bummer:
while in the west “love” marriage fail cause most of these so called love marriage are actually sex marriage, and as sex drive is NOT a lifelong bond btw people…it’s very likely to break up 
Re: Get to know him
I am amazed at how people can come and trash someone's character and do a prediction for others when they dont even know them at all. Incase someone is confused about who I am talking about, its Anil Khan. We all can try being less judgmental than we are, its not a good trait :)
I am not married yet, but I can begin to see wat a huge responsibility being a husband or wife is. And i agree with whoever said, you can never know the other person fully until you see thier bad sides as well as the good ones. And this is not usually possible until you start living together. Also, we tend to forget that we as humans tend to change from time to time. I may be a horrible person today but who knows, i may be a better one tomorrow or vice versa. There are no guarantees in relationships, this is all i know.
Re: Get to know him
Sara, get your facts rite: 1) I have never said lock girls up in a cage and throw out the key; that is simply wrong. What I AM saying is that, oppisite sex interaction should be limited. My sister or daughter could go out with her female friends anytime she wanted and could do anything she wanted with them. But I would not allow any of her friends to be male. Sorry, but I guess I’m old fashioned.
- My thinking about sking colour is exactly what every family in Pakistan thinks about it. Light skin is PREFERRED. I am not saying I agree with it, but that is reality.
Re: Get to know him
People today, youth ie like me refuse to compromise. They are spoiled. A girl wants stuff her way a guy wants it done his way. The reason arranged marriages worked is because people were forced to live together. They were forced to compromise. They had to make it work, they had no choice so that made people more flexible to an arranged marriage.
These days there is no complusion to make it work. To make a marriage or a relationship work you have to compromise a great deal of your own personal desires and feelings for the sake of the union.
Oh yeah lastly I blame bollywood.
Re: Get to know him
^ Solid post; I agree about the bollywood bit.
Re: Get to know him
:halo: So true, I just learned recently myself how to balance a checkbook, and I’m not that far away from 25.
:o
Some of us are just slower learners. 
Re: Get to know him
as long as desi women (paki or abcd) continue to frown upon the concept of arranged marriages, they'll continue getting beaten up in the 'open market' by better candidates; who bring good looks, an expensive education and a rich daddy to the table.
THAT's what the cute guy you've been pining for wants and will get, so don't waste your time and give the nice guys a chance; that includes the ones your parents arrange for you.
Oh I thought good looks negatively correlates with an expensive education. Or are you talking about like the 40,000 dollars per year barbie doll education? You know - Perming Hair 101 sorta thing.
Re: Get to know him
as long as desi women (paki or abcd) continue to frown upon the concept of arranged marriages, they'll continue getting beaten up in the 'open market' by better candidates; who bring good looks, an expensive education and a rich daddy to the table.
THAT's what the cute guy you've been pining for wants and will get, so don't waste your time and give the nice guys a chance; that includes the ones your parents arrange for you.
A reallly very crap reality. Ladies have you SEEN the competition? These girls not only have an MBBS butlook like they just stepped off the catwalk and daddy owns his own country. The only exaguration is with the country.
Re: Get to know him
bang you mean no one shot at you yet? :D
all jokes aside, though, i agree with you that getting married in your early 20's is waaayyy to early. we graduate from university when we're, what? 23, 24? and we haven' t even been out in the real world yet.
but to look on the flip side of the coin, we have to understand where our parents are coming from, especially those that have girls. it's just a stupid misconception in our culture that once a girls hits a certain age, say 22 or 23, well after that she's just too old to get married. let's find someone young and 18. if that's the way our society works, then yeah, our parents will feel pressured by it.
the majority of our parents, grandparents got married at a young age, and i think that mentality is just carrying though, without them realizing that a girl of 22 still needs a lot of learning and experience to deal with an a whole new peron, nevermind a marriage and a household.
Re: Get to know him
A day in paradise
Who ever to blame bollywood, Info tech environment, MTV culture, cartoon movies or video games, the reality is that our young generation and generations to come will be faced with more complex challenges than ever before. Whether it is to make a choice and stand by it like last man standing, or get stuck in arranged bond or otherwise. Get-to-know him/her ?enough? in a limited time and space is usually not possible and may not bring desired results, one may find someone to be perfect in get-to-know process but then again when it comes to ground reality spending a day becomes impossible and specially boys end up complaining a lot and change their mind for good.
It may not be an appropriate example especially the age group I am going to talk about; shocking and un-believable in a way but still might be helpful in understanding the difference between the knowing process and ground realities; in a little innocent yet thoughtful incident.
My 7 years old son; few months into school bumped into this very cute blonde, few months younger to his age, same class and same school. For another couple of weeks every thing 24/7 was Marym, during school hours they were together every second of it; at home all the time he was talking about her. What she likes, what she bring to school, etc. extra lunch box for her every day and a long list of instructions ?I want this and that in a lunch box as she likes it that way. Fine, we could not help it other then just watching and listening, having no clue how to handle.
One fine day when he came back from school I wasn?t home. He told his mother, he loves her but he can not live with her any more and he wants to live with his girl friend. All this came out from the mouth of 7+ She could not say a word and packed his bag and enquired whether he wants her to give him a drop or someone is coming to pick him up. His response was, Marym and her mother will come to pick him up. It was like a 9/11 moment for my wife, she took the number and called. Mother on the other side was going though her own 9/11. They talked and agreed: he will spend a day there tomorrow mean while they will try to find out a way how to handle these little monsters.
To cut the long story short, he spent half a day playing and talking to her the rest of the time till evening playing outside with other kids and by 7 in the evening he called his mother that he is sorry and he wants to come back home. After that day I never heard a word coming out of his mouth about Marym. Among many disappointments for him few that I can remember now are like she does not even know how to play "some" cartoon games and on top of that she does not know "some" cartoon characters and she has no
idea how to talk and how to behave properly.
Not all this was there for months when they were trying to know each other in school, one day together in home and it was all gone I don?t know where!!!
I hope when they grow up they will give each other another chance and by than they will be mature enough to understand and value each other and to know - life is not about playing games or knowing one thing or another it's a little more.!!!
Re: Get to know him
Any normal person has two sides: the bright one and the grey one. In an open frame of mind, it is not difficult to see the other person's bright side despite his/her grey side. You can love/like anyone if you want to, even if it is in a marriage to a total stranger.
I agree. I've seen quite a few marriages where the couple had spent a lot of time together to get to know each other before marriage, then they get married and still end up separating.
However, at least one meeting before marriage (not alone) is good, and most importantly one should do istikhaara before making any decision about marrying someone.
This issue is very delicate. Even though I'm going to be demonized for this, I'm gonna say it anyway cause thats how I truly feel: When a couple has a daughter, they really have to be careful in how they approch her upbringing, especially at age 12 and onwards. I really feel that interaction with the oppisite sex (i.e. boys) should be kept to a minimum. See, girls who are outgoing, opinionated, and independent-seeking have their positive side; but these girls, in my opinion, are going to run into problems when they get married. The mother-in-law, the family, the husband, all these factors will bring them back to reality and teach them that having an opinion about everything is not such a good thing.
I would absolutely love to have a daughter, but I pray to Allah that before giving me a daughter, give me a son so he can look after her in school and other social contexts.
That's almost what I think too. I'll take it a step further and try to get all my daughters to do purdah, inshAllah. InshAllah, i'll also make them wear burqa from an early age. My wife and I are thinking of even homeschooling our daughters instead of sending them to public school.
There are different types of "get to know him/her". WitchDr has a point, meetings arranged by parents where the sole purpose is to get the couple to talk about marriage usually conceal more than they reveal. Both parties are on their best behaviour and may not divulge how they really feel or think. This is usually due to pressure from both sides.
But then some people can get to know each other over a longer period of time, friends through college or at work, or friend's brother/sister. This way they've seen the good and the bad with no pretenses whatsoever.
It's up to the boy and the girl to make sure that they are telling each other the relevent details. Anyhow, making istikhaara should tell if the boy and girl are good for each other despite what they might have told each other or not.
Re: Get to know him
I would really like to understand this so please answer if someone can. Why do we always try to isolate women and not men? How come our daughters can go to all girls school or stay at home but our sons get to go to public schools and stay out late and what not??
Is the concept of izzat related to our daughters only? The sons have too strong of an imaan and personality from a young age or what? I have seen this happen in my family as well and would like to find out an answer to this.