I have always felt that Pakistani girls have quite a tough time getting to know the boys, whereas it is comparatively easier for the guys since we have dheets, poonds, stalkers and persistent categories among us..and the opportunities are endless
Reading some of the threads here and observing that we are entering a new era of Pakistani culture, where arranged marriages are 100% full toss feared :-), what are the girls doing to come forward and getting to know the guys. The situation becomes more complex if the girl is average looking, religious or holds strong traditional values. What are your suggestions for our girls..how can they find a suitable mate?
Regardless of what most of the men hating girls will have you believe. there are many decent pakistani guys out there, and girls, usually guys dont bite, if you wanna take it slow and easy, start with friendship. and since the culture is the same they will understand and deal with your situation better then anyone else. Get to know them a little and if it doesnt work out you can always be friends.
I think partially its looked down upon if a grl goes after a guy or makes the first move If a girl is too traditional to go out and look for guys on her own or get to know them, or thinks shes too good to actually talk to them well then , sarri rai
Well, I think a lot of people sing 'get to know him/her' mantra but when it comes down to it nobody is doing much.
Meeting people in real life is very important and desies should do it more often. That's how you get to know someone, in fact that's the only way (for a long term relationship). Rishta problems are self created monsters in our society. I don't have much sympathy with the situation :-)
Well a lot of ppl think getting to know someone (well grls getting to know a guy) is a very beghairat and besharam thing to do.. jus checkout alot of replies here :whistling
I think u also have to know urself a bit too..I know I’d be best with the “love” marriage thing, even ammi says so (less work for her :halo: ) coz im not the type who looks good on paper, so to speak (i.e., lacking criteria ) nor do I make a great first impression but if someone gets to know me, they find me to be a kewl person
And, the arranged thing seems soo unnatural and awkard to me.. :( Like everytime a guy wud come over, I had to go in another room, and suddenly, im being pushed by my khalas and Ammi to check out that guy sitting six feet away from me ? Kinda awkward ya kno..
While at it, it'd be nice if someone can shed some light on what are some questions that could be asked without offending or hurting someone's ego? In addition, what are some things that should be considered or if noticed could reveal a lot about the individual? And no, I'm not asking for things such as tall, fair, only child, and the like.
The whole desi community is not united; does not work together on community projects; has few if any community goals; etc, etc.
Student organizations and community organizations and Islamic centers seem to be a catalyst for marriages in the community abroad. People don't necessarily become active in these organizations to find a partner, but hey, people meet each other, families meet each other, and therefore couples do crop up. Its inevitable.
Join some community organization and get active, etc. At least you're maximizing your contact with people of the opposite sex in your own culture.
Its sort of a statistical mathematical thing. People wont know who you are if you're sitting at home all the time or behind a computer.
Sara, there is no beghairti or besharmi when it has to do with your future. I don't see you, the girl from Queens, getting arranged married :-p Your other option is not necessarily love marriage...hence the thread.
Sadiyah, to ask someone questions, you should know what is important to YOU. Family values, religious values, traditonal values etc. and how the otehr person fits into them. How you priortize them and what things you can live with..what things you can't live with. You will get a good list of questions. Getting to know yourself is MORE important and it should be done prior to getting to know someone else.
I'd write more but gotta run..
Fayz, that's the sort of thing you realize when you get older. For younger folk that are just beginning to look around for possibilities, the fear is pretty big that you'll get a bad name in the community for even being on the lookout.
Its pretty ridiculous, but our community has given girls reason to think this way. Girls aren't timid just for the hell of it. Its because the community walay can't be respectful, and do not know how to keep their trap shut when they see a female looking for a rishta. People will do lots of horrible and nasty things to girls who go out looking for their rishtas.
Its pretty ridiculous, yes, and a female SHOULD know her priorities. But its easier said than done. Definitely from a male point of view.
I dont know. Even the hijabi girls at my college were friends with both muslim and non muslim guys. One of them ended up marrying a muslim guy that she met through the MSA. MSA meetings were not segregated. even though some of them chose not to speak to guys alot of them had regular friends. even the girls that couldnt wear anything but shalwar kammiz to school had guy friends. i dont think many desi girls are closet freaks....
but i think its cooler if your approach is not always to look for a potential bride/groom everytime u meet a cute girl. approach with plain friendship and see where that leads.
Fayz u'd be surprised, ppl still think talkign to a guy or a grl making the first move is beigharait and baysharam.. what pcg said is true, grlz who r lookin for rishtas r looked down upon.. theres a grl at my gym, she said she has no ijazat to look for her own rishta (n shes almost 30, not some young lil bacchi).. when i was pestering my mom to look for rishta, she said she cudnt tell anyone that I was the one looking because it would make me look bad..God knws why, its so stupid, even after engagement, grls r sposed to stay quiet, have "Sharam" about one of the happiest moments of their lives.. but desi culture makes mariage to be some necessary evil tht grls are suposed to be sad and upset when they leave, rather than it being a joyous and happy event.
Im not against arragned marriage really, but rahter that I wudnt do well in it, and it would tear down my self esteem, being paraded around like a bakrii.. the other option is "love" (i.e., choosing someone on ur own, getting to know them :p )
Gudia, I understand that girls get pressure from the community to act in a certain way but then again who makes the community? It’s people like us. There is a girl in every other house where parents are all worried that they can’t find a suitable rishta. These are the same people who are pointing fingers at other people’s daughters. I won’t get into hypocrisy at this point cuz everyone is very well aware of it. So why should anyone screw their future when people are going to talk anyways. It’s worried & idiotic approach to live your life in imho.
Shweet dreams, thumbs up for the MSA girl who got married. People who reach a certain age have marriage in the back of their minds..it’s a fact and there is nothing uncool about it. Let’s accept it. The drama of ‘yeh, maybe I am interested if you are interested, but if you are not then maybe I am not interested as well’ is BS. If a girl likes someone she should be vocal about it. It’s like with anything in life…You don’t know until you ask.
Sara, the girl in your gym who is 30 and has no ijazat...I highly doubt it. It’s such a fake excuse that it doesn’t even make sense. I’m sure her parents would be more than happy if she finds someone.
Let’s not blame others and focus on ourselves..it will only help find answers.
hey i fit the criteria really well haha… average looking, religious (somewhat) and tradtional…
firstly, it really helps if your parents are open to you talking to guys and you getting to know the guy before ur parents do anything about it… my parents were always very supportive.. infact they were the ones pushing me to go out and find paki guys… i was the dheet one who showed no interest…
also, it helps to be in the right circle… i think… i know when i reached a certian age, there were about 3 ladies who were searching for guys for me.. i didnt even know these women that well, but for some reason they thought i was a nice girl so they referred any “nice” guy or family to me or my parents…
eventually, i found my perfect match… but having said that… if my parents hadnt allowed me to talk to him as much as i did, or freely get to know him the way i thought best, i dont think it would have worked… u really need to have understanding and supportive parents and friends
I agree. It doesn't hurt to let someone know that you're interested in him/her. There's a good chance that it may work and even if it doesn't, you won't be regretful that you could've had a chance had you tried getting the message across.
This "Get to know him/her" is highly over-rated. You simply cannot know him/her unless you are married to him/her. There are so many things you will never realise about the other person unless you are married. A marriage is more intimate an affair then any unmarried one can imagine. Hence, for the same reason, love marriages are over-rated as well.
Any normal person has two sides: the bright one and the grey one. In an open frame of mind, it is not difficult to see the other person's bright side despite his/her grey side. You can love/like anyone if you want to, even if it is in a marriage to a total stranger.
^ :halo: this “u never really know someone” notion is soo over-rated as well… its just an excuse for “i cant be stuffed”
if u actually care about ur life and who ur going to get married to, then regardless of how much u end up knowing about the person prior to marriage, it at least shows that u did try…
u might not learn EVERYTHING about the person in 2-3 meetings, but u do get the general gest… having said that, i do think u need more than 2-3 conversations to make a decision… i’d say take at least a month or two… u dont need to meet the person, even phone conversations are sufficient..
and no, love marriages are not overrated… these days even parents have accepted that they cannot force their kids into arranged marraiges. Sure they can guide their children and recomment prospects, but they cannot force… some parents have even accepted the notion of “dating” or “getting to know one another stage”… me thinks (and parents that i converse to), thats probably one of the best things a parent can allow their children…
khair, there is no point in discussing this with someone who disses “love” and “love marriages” in each thread..
Of course the hypocrisy does exist, but the trend has been generated by men, and ultimately, since our culture is so male-dominated, it can only be ended by men.
Preach to your fellow guy friends. Perhaps they need it better than us GS girls.
Hahaha!! Thanks! Point taken but your comment is coming right at the end of your discussion.
Your “i can’t be stuffed” comment is actually quiet opposite to my thinking. Not “knowing or loving” someone before marriage is no excuse to a failed marriage. My opinion is that marriages don’t fail because of the commitments before marriage but because of commitments after marriage. Fortunately (some of you will understand later in your life ), love is not a requisite for a successful and happy marriage.
If a girl is too traditional to go out and look for guys on her own or get to know them, or thinks shes too good to actually talk to them well then , sarri rai 
) nor do I make a great first impression 
but if someone gets to know me, they find me to be a kewl person 
so they referred any “nice” guy or family to me or my parents…
but having said that… if my parents hadnt allowed me to talk to him as much as i did, or freely get to know him the way i thought best, i dont think it would have worked… u really need to have understanding and supportive parents and friends