Re: General manners
Yeah when he gets back give him a little bone to chew on 
So from the responses so far, I think its pretty clear that he's just a spoiled kid and that cultural divide isnt at work here. A spoiled brat is a spoiled brat in any flavor and taking advantage of a relative should not be allowed no matter what country you live in.
So...he'p me!!!! Now how to move on to getting him straightened out? With my boyz, I tell them do this or no dessert (or no playdate or I take legos away etc). How to deal with a teen who is (kind of) a guest but (kind of) not a guest? I cant take his computer away (its his and he needs it for homework anyway) and I cant ground him kwim? He is a child in an adult body and I just dont know how to interact with him.
He's definitely spoiled. Have you expressed your concerns to your husband? I'm guessing he's a child of one of your husband's siblings. I would suggest having your husband talk to him about it. I'd suggest you don't let this drag on too long. This is a bad example for your own sons.
Re: General manners
fs, youre right. And something I always beleived in was to set the example. My boys are not allowed to let their room get too bad. They put their dishes in the sink. They help around the house....so even my 3 little boys set an example - one which this kid does not follow. So yup. I have some work to do here, I have to toughen myself up and start growling a bit :( but its annoying to me that I have to get that way....I HATE having to growl.
Re: General manners
Ditch the softly, softly approach.
Tell him straight out, there are rules of the house, and u gotta stick to them. This is how we operate.
Don't give him any more rides unless u feel it is totally necessary. If he wants his room to be a tip, then let it be in a state, ur not his cleaner. If it is very bad, then tell him just as your bpys follow the house rule of tidy room, so must he. Just tell him that it's easy to keep it clean if he does a bit every day.
Laundry - don't do it for him, tell him using a washing machine is easier learn than knowing how to search for porn on the computer. (Just thought I would add that in, seeing that he is as Sara says "brown".)
He be a mollycoddled young prince, don't pander to him. The sooner u nip it in the bud, the better.
fs, youre right. And something I always beleived in was to set the example. My boys are not allowed to let their room get too bad. They put their dishes in the sink. They help around the house....so even my 3 little boys set an example - one which this kid does not follow. So yup. I have some work to do here, I have to toughen myself up and start growling a bit :( but its annoying to me that I have to get that way....I HATE having to growl.
That's why I suggested having your husband deal with it. The boy would be more likely to listen to what he's told by your husband.
If you let him keep on behaving like that without challenging him, it will leave an impression on your boys. One possible outcome is that they will find his behavior acceptable.
Bring back Verizon. He can shape up a few people here. (or they will shape him up 
) 
Re: General manners
lol!!! a bit of both may be a great thing!!
Re: General manners
i agree iwth what monk said about sending him to get a small lil things .. thats a good start ... then everytime he goes out and doesn't say a word just call him at the door and ask him when he'll be bak incase ur hubby asks ... and then whn he comes back u can sit down with him and tell him that as long as hes livin here hes ur responsibility and ur not tryin to put tabs on him or anything but u want to kno whn hes ognna be back in case soemthing happens cuz in the end his parents are gonna come to u ... and give him small tasks with ur own kids ... if ur kids are doing the dishes ... tell him hey do u mind giving them a hand or teachin them something i quickly gotta do this ... and then in the end htey all get dessert or candy ... positive re-enforcement ... thats how they teach lab rats and it works pretty well on humans too
Have you tried 'disciplining' your boys in front of him? eg, telling them to "clean your room, since its your room, and its your job to keep it tidy. I cant do it, since I have other things to do too." within earshot of this nephew, so he gets a clearer message?
Version should go to his room and ask him..'Can you hear me now?'..If that doesn't work, he shold kick him out of the house and ask him 'Can you me now?'
Re: General manners
Excuse my ignorance, but what is the cultural divide here?
Could it be that he's just a lazy boy and needs a kick up the bum about pulling his weight around the house? For example if you expect to stay here and not pay bills and get fed etc then wash up once in a while, or at the least sort your own laundry out! Don't be too soft on the kid, treat him as you would one of your own. He should be grateful that you've let him stay, I'd be ashamed if as a teen I'd allowed myself to do the things he's doing in your home!
Re: General manners
You're absolutely riht amor. I need to get tougher here. And I dont like having to be that way, but it seems that its the only way to deal with a spoiled brat.
The whole cultural divide thing came in because when I went to pak, I was treated like royalty. I was waited on hand and foot, to the point that I was uncomfortable about all the fuss (but enjoyed it heartily!)! And I was thinking that the same may be expected here even though he isnt (really) a guest. I am very unsure of myself and of what actions to take because of that.
Re: General manners
I see exactly where you're coming from. He isn't a guest if he's staying long term. The way he acts is not how a guest would behave.
You're also right in saying that you need to get tough. Have a serious chat with him and say he isn't pulling his weight. You can't be expected to rush around after his every whim, especially if you have 3 children as your user name indicates.
Picking up on some points made by others, there's no point in having a word with your kids on how to be tidy purposely in front of your nephew in the hope that he will get the message. Honesty is the best policy - just be upfront with him and kick him in to gear. Why should your children be lectured to for something they haven't done.
Whenever we go Pakistan we're treated as you are - everything is done for us. The reason being because the families there usually have household staff working for them. That isn't the case in the US or UK. Unfortunately we can't provide that same level of care because we have so much other stuff to deal with and no where near that degree of help in doing it!
Re: General manners
Thank you all very kindly for the suggestions and support.
Now please excuse me while I go chew on some broken glass and nails to help "get my growl on" lol!!
...will keep you posted on progress!
Whenever we go Pakistan we're treated as you are - everything is done for us. The reason being because the families there usually have household staff working for them. That isn't the case in the US or UK. Unfortunately we can't provide that same level of care because we have so much other stuff to deal with and no where near that degree of help in doing it!
Yeah I think there IS a cultural divide. I think people in pakistan might not even think twice about having their laundry done by thier host because it's really just done by the laundry people. And it doesn't help the women there tend to play the caretaker roles of providing food etc. I think you should just say that you're busy when he asks for a sandwich or favor, and that it would really help you out if he made it himself. Make sure you say that it WOULD HELP YOU OUT if he did it, because otherwise he might just say "it's ok, you can make it when you're free". And also just don't do the laundry, he'll eventually have to do it. I think desi people here are more sensitive about the burden of hosting and so they do some "takalluf" and think twice before asking their host for a favor. Really, i think this kid just has no idea what you are doing for him.
Also, keeping the room a mess is not right. because if that place gets an infestation or you can't get rid of the smoke smell, it will effect your house's resale. I think you should ask your husband to tell him to smoke outside only and not to leave food in his room. Your husband can sternly say something like "is this how you were raised by my (brother/sister)?" or "this isn't pakistan, having pests is a big problem".
PS i think you guys forgot- he asks her to drop him off to school, she'll probably have to drop him off at the grocery store too, and he will probably bring the wrong stuff too!
Re: General manners
Just talk to your hubby to put some sense in him or kick him out of the house.
Re: General manners
Is he desi?
Is he your nephew or your husband's?
If he is your husband's nephew let him talk to him.
Re: General manners
ummm when all three of ur around (the hubz u and the nephew) talk about something the nephew does but blame it on the hubby... for example if u dont like the dishes laying around... jokingly but on the serious side, tell everyone how the dishes need to go in the sink (or wherever they need to go).
Dont point the finger the wrongdoer... just include everyone in the conversation and hopefully the message will get across.
Strike up a conversation about something he's interested in... whilst ur talking, ask him to help u out with the stuff ur doing.. and things will get done
Re: General manners
MO3,
I feel for ya woman.
Unfortunately its not possible to handle this issue nicely. YOu have to get a little bold and blunt with him.
Tell him his room smells and is beginning to bother the rest of the family.
Re: General manners
He’s definately a spoiled kid, give him one under his ear and see how it works :p…
Just kidding, it won’t work but who knows it might work? 
You need to sit down with him and tell him in CLEAR words, no need to show the love or treat him ‘as a guest’, treat him how you treat your own kids.
Just tell him to clear his room, do his laundry himself etc (say all this in a good Tone, not pyaar se) otherwise it won’t work. If you can’t do this then tell your hubby to do it. If your hubby talks to him then it might work out. When he will see a danda falling on his head, only then he will straighten up.
The less you take care of his nakhree & give him pyaar, the better.