I have a nephew living here now, he came over for college. And I dont know if we have a cultural divide here or whether this is just general manners in this particular kid thats lacking. So I thought I’d come to the experts here and ask about this and possible solutions to keep our home a happy one!
First, he doesnt hesitate to ask for things. To make him food. To give him a ride so that he doesnt have to take the bus. To do his laundry. This is slowly getting a little bit better but not much. He never returns the favor by doing things around the house. And I dont like to ask him to do anything. But its very annoying to me when he asks me to do his laundry and then goes in his room to play internet while his clothes are being done or yaps on the phone while I put a sandwich together for him. Or asks me to drive him to school so that he can sleep for an extra hour and save bus fare.
When he leaves the house, he just leaves. This also drives me nuts. I could be within his sight yet he just walks out the door. No “so long, see you later”, no hint as to whether he will return for dinner. Never would I walk out the door of anyones house, even my own, without letting the occupants know that I’m leaving and about what time they can expect me home. Thats just so basic to me.
My hubs is great with him, got him working around the yard on the weekend (after which he whined for days about his sore muscles). But I cant be like my hubs, I dont have it in me to give him tasks to do. Well, I was able to get him to do laundry (ok, if you need your laundry done, go get it and I’ll show you how) so he did it that time and the clothes have been piling up ever since. His room is appalling. Not only clothes but sodas, overflowing ashtrays, litter. The way I see it is - its his room, I just close the door and let him live the way he wants to live.
ok, so what say the good folk of GS about this? Any good suggestions? And is this kid just clueless about general manners or is it a cultural divide kind of thing? And either way, how to deal with it, keeping in mind that I hate to be confrontational or seeming to be mean.
Just teach him how to operate the washing machine/dryer and tell him this is how it's done. Show him a couple of cabinets and say "now you know wehre everything is kept, so make yourself a sandwich whenever you want".
Is it a cultural divide? i dont think so but be prepared for some people to tear you a new one just because you said something not nice about someone who happens to be brown. :D
it may just be him being spoiled, that's it..has nothing to do with his culture or religion.
He seems to be lacking general manners or maybe thats not the way things are done in his home .
In any case, you have to lay down the basic rules… “If you’re living in my house, you have to follow my rules”. Would you let your own child get away with all that? I dont think so.
If he’s living with you, he has to do certain chores. If he doesn’t like them, he can go live in a dorm or something. Basic rules like helping you load the dishwasher, taking out the trash, keeping his room clean, etc. in return for you driving him to school and making food for him.
Put up a list of rules and give him a list of chores every day
There is a little bit of all of that that I live with BUT I hate the 6th point to death! That happens EVERYDAY
(****but I must add the **GOOD POINTS TOO **- he does shower my kids, takes the car for repairs, buys me EXPENSIVE things - although I say no, plus many more )
Is it a cultural divide? i dont think so but be prepared for some people to tear you a new one just because you said something not nice about someone who happens to be brown. :D
it may just be him being spoiled, that's it..has nothing to do with his culture or religion.
Sara, rotfl!! I think you're right about him being spoiled. I have known many desis, out living on their own but this is my first experience in living with a desi teen. So I was pretty unsure about the whole thing - ie., is it typical that a male desi teen is spoiled (likely I think) and culturally, is it acceptable for them to behave this way in the house of a close relative?
Sara, Yes, I'm sure too. Have known more than a couple of those! But those are a known entity to me whereas a desi teen is an unknown. And since there are unknown thins goin on here, I am still not quite sure how to approach the situation.
So from the responses so far, I think its pretty clear that he's just a spoiled kid and that cultural divide isnt at work here. A spoiled brat is a spoiled brat in any flavor and taking advantage of a relative should not be allowed no matter what country you live in.
So...he'p me!!!! Now how to move on to getting him straightened out? With my boyz, I tell them do this or no dessert (or no playdate or I take legos away etc). How to deal with a teen who is (kind of) a guest but (kind of) not a guest? I cant take his computer away (its his and he needs it for homework anyway) and I cant ground him kwim? He is a child in an adult body and I just dont know how to interact with him.
^MO3 - let me tell you a secret about desi people… shhhhh
Although the kids manners are something that you wish to sweep out with the witches broom and show him the door - that’s just not going to help… because spoiled desi’s are used to “guest” treatments and IN RETURN when you are at their home, you would get equal “guest” treatment as well.
Also, he may not even realize that you are thinking about all of this because that’s just a “birth right” in desi culture to behave the way he does. (That’s why some times we HATE guests who stay for more than 3 days )
However, the MOST important thing is to know that this is probably one of his most important part of life staying away from home and as a your guest. He will remember this till death. If he ever has to “go back” in time he will ALWAYS think of you as the one who he had stayed with… and will be thank full in his heart for all you did.
That’s just how desi’s are. Words are never spoken but felt.
Mehnaz, I have done that a couple of times with mixed results. Verzie is like a drill-sargent. This kid falls over himself to comply but then is angry at me for "telling on him". So best if I can figure out a way to deal with this kid on my own.
start slowly.
Start sending him to the store/market to get some thing(s).
Boys don't mind doing it. Its like little outing-- they look around--get stuff and come back.
Do it before weather gets too cold and he start complaining about it.
This will lay down a sort of track for him to listening to you and doing things for you.
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because spoiled desi’s are used to “guest” treatments and IN RETURN when you are at their home, you would get equal “guest” treatment as well.