ok woah now. ask permission to fall in love? it doesn't work that way. you fall in love with whoever you fall in love with-you can't control that. I would never marry someone my parents didn't want me to. And who says just b/c u love someone they love u back? And who says you fall in love with people you are allowed to marry? It would depend on the situation whether or not you say somthing to your parents. ie-if i fall in love with a non-muslim, ofcourse i say nothing to my parents. I would never blindly marry someone my parents wanted.
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Love is like an unsatifying desire. I know people here would say that arrange marriage is bad or good. I would say people shoud be care full and marry a Guy or a Gal that they think will be their best friend.
About Disaster love marriage. I have friends who are single parents, probobally fall in love some part of life, had a child. It is depressing but, you know they have fun. They have their own life, they laugh and have fun. In the arrange marriage when you live with a person whom you don't like and love, it is a huge problem.
Bottom line: Enjoy every single moment of your life and don't care what people say about it.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Mr. Fantastic: *
Love is like an unsatifying desire. I know people here would say that arrange marriage is bad or good. I would say people shoud be care full and marry a Guy or a Gal that they think will be their best friend.
About Disaster love marriage. I have friends who are single parents, probobally fall in love some part of life, had a child. It is depressing but, you know they have fun. They have their own life, they laugh and have fun. In the arrange marriage when you live with a person whom you don't like and love, it is a huge problem.
Bottom line: Enjoy every single moment of your life and don't care what people say about it.
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yes, thats what my point is. People in love marriages (even if they end at disaster) have fun atleast for a while.
On the other side someone who wait his/her entire life for arrange marriage and end up marrying someone he/she cannot get along well.....:(arrange marriages sucks.
no fun, just commitments
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Mr. Fantastic: *
Love is like an unsatifying desire. I know people here would say that arrange marriage is bad or good. I would say people shoud be care full and marry a Guy or a Gal that they think will be their best friend.
About Disaster love marriage. I have friends who are single parents, probobally fall in love some part of life, had a child. It is depressing but, you know they have fun. They have their own life, they laugh and have fun. In the arrange marriage when you live with a person whom you don't like and love, it is a huge problem.
Bottom line: Enjoy every single moment of your life and don't care what people say about it.
[/QUOTE]
yes, thats what my point is. People in love marriages (even if they end at disaster) have fun atleast for a while.
On the other side someone who wait his/her entire life for arrange marriage and end up marrying someone he/she cannot get along well.....:(arrange marriages sucks.
no fun, just commitments
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Mr. Fantastic: *
Love is like an unsatifying desire. I know people here would say that arrange marriage is bad or good. I would say people shoud be care full and marry a Guy or a Gal that they think will be their best friend.
About Disaster love marriage. I have friends who are single parents, probobally fall in love some part of life, had a child. It is depressing but, you know they have fun. They have their own life, they laugh and have fun. In the arrange marriage when you live with a person whom you don't like and love, it is a huge problem.
Bottom line: Enjoy every single moment of your life and don't care what people say about it.
[/QUOTE]
yes, thats what my point is. People in love marriages (even if they end at disaster) have fun atleast for a while.
On the other side someone who wait his/her entire life for arrange marriage and end up marrying someone he/she cannot get along well.....:(arrange marriages sucks.
no fun, just commitments
[QUOTE] Originally posted by pakbeast: *
yes, there are some exception about guys that they don't have sex if they don't like the girl, or if they were forced to marry that girl whereas they love some other girl. **one thing i hate about girls is (and i am sorry girls) that when the time for marriage comes, they refuse to marry the guy they love, why? only because they want to make their parents happy. but what about that person whose life you have destroyed? did you ask your parents before you fell in love? * if you didn't ask for your parents permission to love someone, then i think they should have some courage to atleast let them know that i love this person, please talk to him and his family and i really want to marry him. BUT NO! when their parents engage them or marry them with someone else who they don't even know, they just keep quiet like a doll and never speak a word. and this causes to destroy that guy's life who they loved.
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Its not always the girl's fault that she keeps quiet like a doll, its every one's fault, because everyone in our society will undoubtedly support the parents of the girl even if the girl is right and the parents are wrong.
What if the girl spoke up? What's going to happen most likely? What can one girl do when the whole society is on her parents side and almost no one on her's.
The sad reality is that our whole society allows the parents to get away with almost every thing and parents take full advantage of this and justifying their decisions by saying this that "after all we are parents and we know what's best for our child". Which I doubt is true most of the time today, although it should be like that.
Its not uncommon to hear comments such as those made in this thread by people whom we know:
"I think most of the time....if u r ok with what ur parents say phir ALLAH khud hi barkat daal dete hein...trust me"
"I would never marry someone without my parents blessings, because then I'd have this lifelong guilt inside me which I can't imagine."
"well i would only do it to make my parents happy n well if it doesnt work out later on then its their fault."
Nowhere in Islam has it been declared that "parents can never make mistakes"! Nowhere! But if you talk to most Muslims comments like the ones mentioned above is what you would listen from them.
Allah is Just and He Is Aware of what is right and what is wrong, why would Allah bless a marriage when a marriage is based on un Islamic traditions and customs?
Can we expect Allah to bless a marriage which is based on un Islamic traditions and customs only because our parents are pleased with that marriage?
The person you are getting married to isn't a human being or what? He or She doesn't have parents or what?
Wouldn't you have "life-long guilt inside you that you can't imagine" after ruining someone else's life in order to please your parents?
What sort of justifications are these? How can you expect Allah, who created you and your parents, to support you when you have such views for other people that He created?
We should give this a thought sometimes, what is more important? pleasing Allah? or pleasing parents?
i agree with you different. ....girls should not only think about pleasing their parents, but they should also think about the guy who has refused to marry everyother girl, and now all of the sudden she probably found someone better and told him to forget her. hint hint: that guy is me!
Its not always the girl's fault that she keeps quiet like a doll, its every one's fault, because everyone in our society will undoubtedly support the parents of the girl even if the girl is right and the parents are wrong.
What if the girl spoke up? What's going to happen most likely? What can one girl do when the whole society is on her parents side and almost no one on her's.
The sad reality is that our whole society allows the parents to get away with almost every thing and parents take full advantage of this and justifying their decisions by saying this that "after all we are parents and we know what's best for our child". Which I doubt is true most of the time today, although it should be like that.
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I don't know whether you have noticed or not but, our society can not be singled out only. In western society the only difference is that they have a choice to choose their partner and the only reason this concept have been introduce is because women here make money and can live independently.
What you see on TV, the whole sex and hola stuff on western channels. That's just on TV not present everywhere.
In this society, still it is believed that man cheets, wife suffers and women are victims of men. They even have started a war against boys.
Bottom line: You can not clap with one hand. There is a giver and a receiver in a relationship. If one of them is not present, the whole relationship is on stake.
i know of arranged marriages that went great, but i know of many that went horrendously. Same goes for love marriages. As for me, whether its someone I meet or someone introduced to me by my parents, i just need to know them a little. My parents did it blindly, and that’s not enough for me, and they totally understand that. But like fret wizard said to marry someone that they didn’t approve of would cause incredible guilt. I couldn’t disgrace or hurt them like that. As for being in love-ive come to grips with the fact, that chances are i won’t marry someone that i fell in love with but someone who i can get along with, have fun with, and live with-as well as be attracted to-in short, someone who i could practically spend my life with. I feel like in the end, if you spend enough time with that person, you’ll eventually fall in love with them, or at least be fond enough of them. I think i could say now my parents are in love with eachother after 22 years and 4 kids despite their certain major differences even though they met on their wedding day. Love is overrated-ppl that find it and have it requited, are very lucky and i wish them the best of luck.
Tassuvar-doll, my heart breaks for you. I wish you all the best in the future.
I don't know whether you have noticed or not but, our society can not be singled out only. In western society the only difference is that they have a choice to choose their partner and the only reason this concept have been introduce is because women here make money and can live independently.
What you see on TV, the whole sex and hola stuff on western channels. That's just on TV not present everywhere.
In this society, still it is believed that man cheets, wife suffers and women are victims of men. They even have started a war against boys.
Bottom line: You can not clap with one hand. There is a giver and a receiver in a relationship. If one of them is not present, the whole relationship is on stake.
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Are there only two societies on this planet? Why is it that we bring in the Western Society whenever there is an issue in Pakistani Society being addressed?
Anyways.. I responded to pakbeast's question on a particular scenario, it would be better if we stayed within that particular scenario rather than making the discussion general by mixing in other issues which are irrelevant.
The question is, what happens in our society when an arranged marriage fails and what happens when a love marriage fails?
When an arranged marriage fails you will hear your parents & relatives blaming “Qismat and Taqdeer” for the failure of the marriage, but when a love marriage fails, everyone blames the couple… not only this but, when an arranged marriage is going through problems the whole family sits together to sort out the problems, but when a love marriage is having problems, not everyone tries to find a solution to the problem, infact if the parents were reluctant with the marriage they would even try to make the situation worse only to prove that this is why they were reluctant, at that time there is no “Qismat or Taqdeer” in the picture.
But let’s also put some light on how the couple responds to the same situation… most of the time in arranged marriages the couple knows that its going to be difficult to live with the person that they have married since the beginning but in order to please their parents and to have their parents blessings they are confident that things are going to work out well, but soon they realize that their parents blessings are not working and then if matters get worse they blame their parents, exactly how punjabi kuri !!! mentions
Most people in our Society think this way, this is what they are taught since childhood…
Its very clear that you are having double standards here, you are concerned about having “incredible guilt” if you marry someone whom your parents didn’t approve, well… why don’t you have that “incredible life-long guilt” after ruining someone else’s life in order to please your parents? What makes your parents pleasure more important than some one’s whole life?
Its not the “guilt” that is the issue, the real issue is what “every one” would say. Because everyone would support the parents no matter what, so the children don’t stand a chance and they claim that they are doing this to please the parents but actually they are afraid of being criticized and abandoned in some cases by their family members.
You also mentioned disgrace, how would your parents get disgraced?
Let’s be honest here, what would cause disgrace to your parents? In Pakistan, majority of the people are Muslims, you can’t say that if you want to marry a non-Muslim that would bring disgrace, well chances are that it is not likely to take place in Pakistan for most of the people. What else is there that can cause disgrace? Gambling, Alcohol and other related activities are not common in Pakistan, so that too should not be a problem in Pakistan… so what is left out?
There isn’t any Sharaee reason for parents to disapprove marriages in Pakistan most of the time, but there are some customs and traditions which are un-Islamic but since most of the people in the Society still practice those traditions and customs because they simply cannot assimilate that what their fore-fathers used to do is “Un-Islamic”, parents feel ashamed if they had to go against those un-Islamic customs and traditions and that is what actually causes disgrace to parents. Parents are worried about what people in their “biradri” would say if they were to go against the customs and traditions of their “non-Muslim” fore-fathers!!!
This is a disease of the heart, people in the past had it and they rejected many messengers and people today have it today and they reject and deny the truth which is clearly mentioned in the Quran…
It all depends on what your “definition on love” is, because I tried hard to find a difference in between what you mentioned about someone you fell in love with and someone whom you can get along with, have fun with, and live with-as well as be attracted to-in short, someone who i could practically spend my life with.
This is how people satisfy themselves, it may work for some but may not work for everyone… as for what you mentioned about your parents, well I haven’t met them but after reading your opinion I would stick to the word “fond” instead of “love”, like you mentiond "if you spend enough time with that person, you’ll eventually fall in love with them, or at least be fond enough of them. " If I have a pet dog, and I spent enough time with that dog, I’ll eventually be fond of that dog… so this is a good way to satisfy yourself by saying that you love your spouse after spending 22 years… it has nothing to do with “true love” most of the time…
In our Society we do wrong things to please certain people instead of doing the right thing which is going to please our Creator and bring us closer to Heaven… and we still consider our Society to be an Islamic society…
i agree with everything you said different. in my case, the girl loved me for more than two years and then all of the sudden her parent's khushi came before everything! the same girl who used to tell me would do anything to marry me, she'll not marry anyone else and tell her parents about me being a brave girl and bla bla bla, all of the sudden she realized that her parent's wish is more important than all the promises she made to me and the my life that she destroyed.
I am saying that most of the women in our society can not live independently, that is the reason why they have to sacrifice. Their parents have to make these choices because they want their girl to be married in a family that is full with money.
In our society money takes over the choice of girl.
Simple as that, don't blame parent, girl or society.
There is no question of blaming anyone as you are doing Different.
ok, when a girl marries a guy, who is going to live with that guy? the girl or her parents? if the girl is happy with the amount of money or the income that guy has, what problem do her parents have? it is clearly said in islam that no one can be forced to marry anyone. when the girl falls in love with a guy, that's the time when she should think about the money issue. that's when she should think whether her parents are going to allow this marriage or not. will write later after reading your response.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Shikra: *
ok, when a girl marries a guy, who is going to live with that guy? the girl or her parents? if the girl is happy with the amount of money or the income that guy has, what problem do her parents have? it is clearly said in islam that no one can be forced to marry anyone. when the girl falls in love with a guy, that's the time when she should think about the money issue. that's when she should think whether her parents are going to allow this marriage or not. will write later after reading your response.
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Hey, I have no problem with marrying a guy or a girl you love. Our society is very close. They live together most of time. Like if the girl goes with her husband, her husband lives with his parents. Right? In our society things like pride etc etc comes. They want their girl to go in a good family. A family that they know.
I know in arrange marriages most of the time girl has to sacrifice. It is just because she can not take care of her self. She is not independent enough. Other wise, if she was don't you think her parents would allow her to do anything she wants?
What you are saying sounds good and definatly it is easy to say but, very hard to follow.
[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Zig~Zag: *
I am not changing views of topic.
I am saying that most of the women in our society can not live independently, that is the reason why they have to sacrifice. Their parents have to make these choices because they want their girl to be married in a family that is full with money.
In our society money takes over the choice of girl.
Simple as that, don't blame parent, girl or society.
There is no question of blaming anyone as you are doing Different.
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This is exactly what I wanted someone to come up with, MONEY, Parents give their daughter to the highest bidder!!!
Why shouldn't I blame the parents? They are the one's who make the decision right? They are the one's who believe that money is the solution to all problems, right? And then there are people in the society who would justify what the parents do with their daughters.... and then at the same time they claim to be Muslims, whereas according to the teachings of Islam everyone's "Rizq" has already been written for him / her 50000 years before the creation of Adam AS.... What happens to taqdeer and qismat? I am not blaming the girl, I am simply saying that parents and the society take unjust advantage of the girl's helplessness!
yes, thats what my point is. People in love marriages (even if they end at disaster) have fun atleast for a while.
On the other side someone who wait his/her entire life for arrange marriage and end up marrying someone he/she cannot get along well.....:(arrange marriages sucks.
no fun, just commitments
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not ALLL arrrange marriages r a diaster .. arrange marriages may not work out.. but some love marriages dont either.... but that doesnt mean they suck... they r a part of life.. an with life.. u jus gotta deal with it
well said 
we can even read what you have written once, you didn’t have to type the same thing three times 
