How much fun is there in arrange marriages? and NO, i am not talking about going to movies or dinner.
mostly in our societies people marry between ages 20-30 and according to american psychological association abstaining for a long time causes loss of sexuall desire. and what if two people are engaged or married but not attracted towards each other at all. and others consider them “perfect couple”.
How would their life go?
anyone care to share their experiences or thoughts on it.
sure we can be proud on the strength and commitments of our marriages but is there any fun in them?
the opinion that abstinence causes more severe desire is true and seen more in women then men especially in the east coz its not that easy (or desirable) for most women to satisfy themselves with some other then their hubby..while men still have other chances!
in the eyes of the world..a perfect couple is the one which makes a good JORI!! Complementing eacho ther;s outwards appearence to be simple..but the real and true fact is that deep inside they cant be happy till the form the eternal bond of love, trust as well as sexual satisfaction.
this statement can be called crude by most people..but its nature. after an age every person desires this bond with their one and only along with true love coz uptill the combination of both is not present..niether has any meaning!
but does it have to be the “outsiders” of the relationship that decide which joris are good and which ones are not? And are u telling me a 25 year old sane individual does not have the capacity to chose a life partner on their own? But we give them the right to vote and drive cars on the streets and be lawyers and doctors and wagera wagera!
There are cases where the logic just baffles me. Like one of my cuzins is now engaged, and she’s super-smart, a doctor in Karachi, and she went to a magni celebration for our other cousin. Turns out the other cousin’s hone-wala groom’s brother took interest in my doctorni cousin, and they sent a proposal and she accepted (after an insane amount of investigation from my cuz’s father). But they wouldn’t let the two talk until after the magni…now how much sense does that make? They told me “see beta, this is the tradition of the arranged marriage in our family”.
some people!
I HAD AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE AND I THINK THAT WHEN YOU ARE NOT ATTRACTED TO THE PERSON IT IS A BIG PROBLEM.I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND AND WE DONT GET ALONG.IF YOU GET MARRIED BY CHOICE TO THE PERSON YOU LOVE YOU WANT TO MAKE THINGS WORK BUT WHEN THE PERSON WAS PICKED FOR YOU AND YOU DO NOT LOVE THEM THERE COMES A POINT WHEN YOU JUST GIVE UP.IF THERE IS ANYONE OUT THERE PLANNING ON A ARRANGED MARRIAGE THEN THEY SHOULD CONSIDER BEING ENGAGED FOR A WHILE AND TALKING TO THE PERSON BEFORE THEY GET MARRIED.
arranged marriage worked for me... well it depends upon the person.. i got lucky i guess.. i married my better half.. and i never did speak to him on the phoen or met him.. only kept in touch thru email woh bhi ziada nahi.. but hes really awesome.. i mean obviously hubby an ifey should comprimise.. but u get to know a person an u begin fallin in love withn them and unlike love marriages u unwrap a little present everyday.. I mean love marriages r cool n all but i guess whether it be arrange marriage or love.. u have to work in a marriage to keep it together.. an learn to love each other... whether u fall in love for the first time or u fall in love all over again
PyariCgudia: I don't mean to discuss whether arrange marriages should be done or not , or whether ther are sane or not.
Like it or not, you know thats what the tradition is and majority of people do not have courage to cross these traditional boundaries.
I particulary want to discuss the attraction issue.
Ajnabi Larki: Thanks for sharing your experiences. Would you mind sharing how you and your husband handle sex life?
If you are married to somone you do not find attractive than does that mean no fun at all? or just because of being opposite gender makes a couple appealing to each other?
Devilicious: so you were lucky to find the perfect mate, what do you think about age & attraction ? does age decide the extent to which one will be attracted towards spouse.
Arrange marriage doesnt mean one doesnt know the other person or is not in love! Increasing arranged marriages today occur with agreement between spouces with blessing of parents.. I had such a fortunate marriage..
One can dislike a person at any stage of life.. many couples like each other before marriage but problems occur after some time.. and many arrange marriages where couples even dont know each other flower into great relationships.. so we cannot catergorically blame arranged or dis-arranged marriages! But we must care and love our spouces..
Marriages, arranged or otherwise, are sacred bond between two people.. or atleast thats wut i think. :) .. been through arranged marriage myself... so far .. i never regreted for a second that i made a wrong decision to go ahead with 'arranged' circumstances.. as i had other choice as well.. infact my parents wud hav appreciated that cos it was less hassle for em to investigate the prospect wagera... anyway .. as far as the topic goes... i think it worked perfectly for me... u get to kno the person bit by bit every day.. i expect to uncover sumthin new about him every time we meet (m sure same goes for him too) .. n we do care a lot about each other.. Bottom line is... i started carin about him once we got married .. used to wonder how i cud feel sumthin about the person i barely kno for couple of months... but it just happened.... feelings just developed.. good part is its mutual .. n we r happy...
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*Originally posted by Ajnabilarki: *
I HAD AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE AND I THINK THAT WHEN YOU ARE NOT ATTRACTED TO THE PERSON IT IS A BIG PROBLEM.I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND AND WE DONT GET ALONG.IF YOU GET MARRIED BY CHOICE TO THE PERSON YOU LOVE YOU WANT TO MAKE THINGS WORK BUT WHEN THE PERSON WAS PICKED FOR YOU AND YOU DO NOT LOVE THEM THERE COMES A POINT WHEN YOU JUST GIVE UP.IF THERE IS ANYONE OUT THERE PLANNING ON A ARRANGED MARRIAGE THEN THEY SHOULD CONSIDER BEING ENGAGED FOR A WHILE AND TALKING TO THE PERSON BEFORE THEY GET MARRIED.
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This question is for everyone who is suggesting on having a "mangni" that includes talking, e-mailing, in other words communicating with your future spouse to know him/her better before the actual nikaah & "rukhsati".
How flexible are parents (both sides) when you decide that the person you got engaged to is not meant for you?
How do parents respond? when they themselves have gone through a lot, before deciding on your engagement & now you tell them that you don't think that you can get married to the person they have chose...
If the parents are flexible and accept what their child is saying, then what is the difference between a so called "love marriage" and an "arranged marriage"?
If the parents are not flexible and are not willing to accept any excuse then, what's the point in having a "mangni"?
beats me....
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*Originally posted by Jhankar: *
Devilicious: so you were lucky to find the perfect mate, what do you think about age & attraction ? does age decide the extent to which one will be attracted towards spouse.
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it depends on a person.. some people could careless about the age.. and some people think age is an important element.. for me.. age has nothin to do with attraction.. i think personality has a lot to do with attraction.. and as time flies.. personality is all u got an things liek looks age and everything superficial fades..
however.. the level of maturity has alot to do with attraction but then again i would put maturity under personality.. and maturity divides into numerous definitons ... so ill leave it at that..
but i dont think maturity comes with age,, maturity comes with experience and how u have been raised (circumstances and etc... )
so age and attraction .. i dont kno.. so far.. i dont think it has to do much with each other...\
and in arranged marriages people have to learn to be patient.. its a process where ure gettin to kno each other.. an there is not really a way out.. so both hubby an wifey have to be patinet, leniant and understandin and resecting an it may be hard because either one might not be used to it..
and for AJNABI LARKI.. sweetyy.. if u can work it out.. try too.. and he has to do his part as well.. and im not sayin this is the end.. if ure not happy or u dont have kids an if ur parents kno u r not happy and if ure husband and you mutually agree ure not happy then its better to part ur ways now.. and if u wanna work it out then ask urself why arent u attracted to him.. and if its his looks or his age that bothers u.. they r only superficial reasons.. and the reality is his age or his face isnt gonna change and magically become sumthin u would wish for.. however.. if its sumthin that has to do wiht his perosnality.. talk to him about it subtly.. try to figure out where u guys clash...
from what i read since u dont find him attractive in whatever way ure tellin urself that if u had married some1 u loved u would have worked out.. and alot of ppl see that as a important factor but the point is that dont hold a grudge against the fact that if u would have married some1 u love u would work it out.. its only makin u more mierable... an u cant spend ur whole life miserabally.. might as welll go ahead an make sumthin out of it.. think about what u have to lose
an if u cant seem to find urself attracted to him physically.. try becoming a friend.. an get to kno him as a friend and as a person... i dont really kno where ure comin from.. but this is all the UNWANTED advice i can give u from what i read
I am not attracted to him and I have tried to understand him an be his friend but he has hurt me alot and I have lost my trust in him.I do have a 3 year old son which is why I have tried so hard to make things work out but we are not in a good situation.If I could change things I would have never agreed to get married in this way.Someone posted that arranged marriages can be fun because its like a treasure you find out something new each day.It can be scarey to-like my situation when you find out things that are not good about the person.I have left him but was sent back to him by my parents.Even though I live in America I feel insecure at times and afraid to just tell everyone "look im not happy".Its so much easier for everyone else if we stay together.They see us on the utside and they think we are a perfect couple.Nobody knows what goes on in the house and its sad.I know it would be better if we went our seperate ways because this situation is affecting my son.It is sad that in we worry more about the family name or what people will say rather then our happiness.This is why alot of poeple just end up staying together and living a unhappy life.I dont want that.
i wrote sumthin liek its a lil present u unwrap everyday.. but im not sayin thats for every1..
newayzz... u guys do have a kid.. n it is affecting him and its not air to him to see u guys unhappy an d trust em.. kids r smarter than we think they r.. three yeas is a long time.. if ure miserable and three years is ONLY THREE YEARS.. i ure happy.. can i ask u .. exactly why r u not attracted to him... is it the looks or the personality liek unki adat ikhlaq.. and if he has been hurtin u and u r not happy ... then ask him how would he liek it if u two got separated.. try separation.. maybe he will realize what a mistake he made.. its not fair to u to sacrifice urself for the mere sake of your family name...tell him hes being unfair to his child by raisin him in a unhealthy environment. think about what u want an what impact would ur child have if he was raised without a father or raised in an enviornment where he knew his parents dont get along.. mashallah se ure very lucky Allah bless u with a child.. but a a mother u have to watch out for him an urself.. an dont comprise for the sake of other.. compromise for urself.. because u should that that ur sacrifice was worth it for urself .. not for otherss...
Ajnabilarki, is it possible for you to go back to your parents and absolutely refuse to go back?...you know like pretend ur off to visit your parents, and never return --- and who cares what your parents say. Raise a really big tantrum.
It sounds like you need to vent some feelings. Tantrums are great for that.
Dont worry, we are here to support you and give you courage. You must take your life into your hands and find a way out, if the situation is terrible.
Plus, being in the US, you have rights. You can report him for any abuse, or neglect, or wrongful deeds external to the home. And you will have protection too.
Ajnabilarki, is it possible for you to go back to your parents and absolutely refuse to go back?...you know like pretend ur off to visit your parents, and never return --- and who cares what your parents say. Raise a really big tantrum.
It sounds like you need to vent some feelings. Tantrums are great for that.
Dont worry, we are here to support you and give you courage. You must take your life into your hands and find a way out, if the situation is terrible.
Plus, being in the US, you have rights. You can report him for any abuse, or neglect, or wrongful deeds external to the home. And you will have protection too.
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*Originally posted by Ajnabilarki: *
I HAD AN ARRANGED MARRIAGE AND I THINK THAT WHEN YOU ARE NOT ATTRACTED TO THE PERSON IT IS A BIG PROBLEM.I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH MY HUSBAND AND WE DONT GET ALONG.IF YOU GET MARRIED BY CHOICE TO THE PERSON YOU LOVE YOU WANT TO MAKE THINGS WORK BUT WHEN THE PERSON WAS PICKED FOR YOU AND YOU DO NOT LOVE THEM THERE COMES A POINT WHEN YOU JUST GIVE UP.IF THERE IS ANYONE OUT THERE PLANNING ON A ARRANGED MARRIAGE THEN THEY SHOULD CONSIDER BEING ENGAGED FOR A WHILE AND TALKING TO THE PERSON BEFORE THEY GET MARRIED.
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I am really in this situation, I mean not yet, but it can be this. I am engaged by my parents to a girl that I know as just family friends. I dont know anything about this girl personality and habbits and emotions etc, I am scared. will i be able to give her proper love and a good marrried life, and I am avoiding marriage cause I dont really know her. I always wanted a love marriage. but not lucky enough I guess.
I was never attracted to her in this way, it was really hard to make up my mind to accept this. and I still in confusion. any suggstions?
I know some friend who are living same life as yours sad but true. our people stays together even if they are not happy just because they have to think other family and poeple, what will they say.. etc .
its really hard to leave people after marriage than to break a engagment I suggest. At the moment I think I will not stay in a unhappy marriage but again its too early to say and at that moment I may have to think about other things.
Arranged marriages can be good if two people know eachother well before they get married. some can be very very lucky to stay happy without knowing eachother before marriage.
Shak killls-
I think you should really think twice before you get married to someone that you already say you are not attracted to in that way.I know things can be confusng and parents dont make it any easier when they try to force you alot of times by emotional blackmail...its not right.This is your life.If you tell your parents you do not want to marry her they might be mad but eventually they will get over it.It is harder to end things when you actually take that big leap and get married.If you want to try to make things work to make your parents happy ateast try to talk to the girl.You should get to know her and what she wants.You might not be attracted to her but has anyone asked her?Maybe she feels the same way.MAybe she to is confused and scared and she might not be attracted to you.These things are important to talk about and work out before you get married so you both are assured that you are doing the right thing.I know I shouldnt be giving advise because I have not made the best choices for myslef.I do think that I have grown and learned from my mistakes and hope I have helped you atleast alittle.I wish the best and hope things work out for you.Good Luck.
PyariCgudia-
You are right I can fight and argue and throw a tantrum and say im not going back but I have tried all that and it does not work.My husband knows just what to say and do to have them take his side.His family is in pakistan and mine is here but still I feel like I have nobody.My family at times acts like they are his family because he tells them one thing and tells me another.He is nice when they are around and when he is alone he is somone totally different.I dont know what to do.
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*Originally posted by Ajnabilarki: *
Shak killls-
I think you should really think twice before you get married to someone that you already say you are not attracted to in that way.I know things can be confusng and parents dont make it any easier when they try to force you alot of times by emotional blackmail...its not right.This is your life.If you tell your parents you do not want to marry her they might be mad but eventually they will get over it.It is harder to end things when you actually take that big leap and get married.If you want to try to make things work to make your parents happy ateast try to talk to the girl.You should get to know her and what she wants.You might not be attracted to her but has anyone asked her?Maybe she feels the same way.MAybe she to is confused and scared and she might not be attracted to you.These things are important to talk about and work out before you get married so you both are assured that you are doing the right thing.I know I shouldnt be giving advise because I have not made the best choices for myslef.I do think that I have grown and learned from my mistakes and hope I have helped you atleast alittle.I wish the best and hope things work out for you.Good Luck.
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shak kills = Shakil ;)
Thanks for your advise, I am really trying to get to know her, I have asked her once , is she happy about it? she said yes. it may be true or may be she has said being a good daughter of parents.
for this purpose, I am going to pak in for a month in dec, and I am not informing my family so they dont arrange any wedding plan, I want to know her more in this visit. and I totally agree with you, she must have her concerns too. thanks for the good luck I needed it. :)
hope you will be happy soon in your life. inshallah.
i think arranged marriages can be real fun;) 
yea it can be fun like a blind date, but in arranged one you cant leave if it somehow turned to be a disaster.