Re: For married people
So dhokha. U writing dhoka. Khyon?
For married people
Also in most desi culture there is an idea that girl needs to be pregnant soon after the marriage. If there is no kid, everyone keep ****ing asking for good news. Couple should at least spend 3-4 years together and bond with each other before bringing kids into this world
Re: For married people
So dhokha. U writing dhoka. Khyon?
lol no
it's not dhokha, it's dhokaa
'Kh" = Kh+meini
khaanaa = kh+aanaa
one pair is with uppercase K [as in Khomeini] and the other pair is with lowercase k as in khaanaa [food, to eat]
it's hard to explain in writing...need to make an audio.
Re: For married people
lol no it's not dhokha, it's dhokaa
'Kh" = Kh+meini khaanaa = kh+aanaa
one pair is with uppercase K [as in Khomeini] and the other pair is with lowercase k as in khaanaa [food, to eat]
it's hard to explain in writing...need to make an audio.
No confusun about khoob khana khargosh
dhoka creating some confusun. Good explanasun remove confusun.
As always much appreciasun.
Re: For married people
Just because there is no physical abuse doesn't mean that it's a healthy environment for children.
^Quite agree.
People have mentioned divorced couples using their children as pawns and denying visitation to spite each other. This is not limited to divorced people. There are people who stay married and still use their children as pawns to spite each other so staying married does not guarantee that children grow up in a healthy, loving environment.
Re: For married people
As an unmarried man this scares me.
From the sounds of this and other responses it seems that no matter how much effort you put into marriage, you may still be dissatisfied at the end of the day.
So to all those who have regrets, are u you guys happy?
As far as stayong together for the kids goes, I can totally understand. At times in arrange (and love for that matter) marriages it can be the only mutual objective that keeps a couple bonded.
Maula Jatt , Definitely not wanting to put you off marriage. You see alot depends on the person you are married to and your own personality. If both partners are communicative and willing to change even slightly, the equation works extremely well . Things only go wrong when one partner is willing to do anything to keep the relationship , the other one wants to keep it too but doesnt want to change or communicate sore points.
No matter how happy or sad a marriage is, one does have to put in alot of effort for it to remain healthy and keep going. That is the truth and there is no short cut to that.
Does the western world have it right then? Plenty of my friends grew up in families where their parents were never married, and as adults some of have married themselves and some have stayed in long partnerships and some have been with a few people. I know the focus of marriage for all those people is really companionship, when they haven't felt that with the person they're with, they've moved on to the next one.
I don't know its kind of disheartening to think that you'll put up with so much just to keep your kids happy? i thought the old age adage was for your kids to be happy you have to be happy. I'm not talking about being miserably unhappy but even if you feel like you've lost yourself or that you have to make do, seems like a really depressing feeling. Do kids not pick up on that?
Lafu, I personally dont advocate this mindset , because it kills the family unit. Single parenting is the hardest thing in the world and kudos to those who do it. But its not healthy for the child or the parent. even if you do find another partner for yourself , you cant guarantee you found the right parent for your child . Things get very complicated.
That's not true. There is never anything easy about a women choosing to end her marriage. Just because there is no physical abuse doesn't mean that it's a healthy environment for children. There is was no physical abuse between my parents but their marriage was the most dysfunctional and unhealthy union ever. The best decision my mother ever made was to end their marriage. There was nothing unethical about it.
To each their own. Like I said , every woman has a different threshold of absorbing hurt and pain.
^Quite agree.
People have mentioned divorced couples using their children as pawns and denying visitation to spite each other. This is not limited to divorced people. There are people who stay married and still use their children as pawns to spite each other so** staying married does not guarantee that children grow up in a healthy, loving environment.**
It is still a heck load better then taking a parent away from the child and pushing them into custody battles or making them confused. I think you are confusing the two states of mind. Let me make it simpler.
One scenario is where the marriage is abusive or the partner cheated etc you know , the serious things that can kill a marriage. People walk out of marriages , which is acceptable to everyone since there are valid reasons.
Second scenario is where its just compatibility issue, personalities clashing.. This is where "to each their own" formula kicks in. Many believe, its not wise to move out of a marriage and stick to it for the security of their kids. Others believe they cant absorb anymore sadness and leave the marriage.
Eventually, kids in broken marriages do suffer , whether we accept it or not. Majority if not all , go through havoc and that pain lives with them for a major part of their lives. Hence women try to protect their kids against all that pain and havoc. Marriage is not a happy times all year round kind of a thing, there will always be phases , happy , unhappy, little bit happy, not happy but smiling, extremely sad and so on. Its hard to determine separating is the only way forward because many women feel it might benefit them but the reason for them to separate isnt so strong yet that they should have the child go through any form of separation from the other partner.
Re: For married people
Married life is 180 degree shift from your single life. It's a very different experience that you don't wanna miss. But again some people like change and some don't.
Re: For married people
CB, i can understand where you're coming from but i'd respectfully disagree. i think you have this notion that a separation has to be a horrid affair. when both adults can understand that their marriage is an unhappy marriage (no abuse) and that their child will see this unhappiness, and they split amicably.. how does the kid suffer in any of this? they see both their parents happy, and they get to spend time with both. i mean if you're on good enough terms with your spouse after separating, i don't think it would be hard to have a day out with your child together just to show that mum and dad are good friends or have a good relationship even if they aren't married anymore.
don't get me wrong, i wouldn't condone divorce so lightly. but if the only reason one is still married is because of their child then i'd think it safe to assume the couple should get some therapy/counseling sessions/revive their relationship.. if all that fails and there really is no going back then, split. there is no shame in doing that, there is no shame in wanting to be happy and content. and i think that is more important for the child, to see their parents genuinely happy. they won't question the fact that they are separated too much provided that there is no drama surrounding it.
Re: For married people
difficult to answer this..... there are days you wish that you never did it....and then you see your child(ren) and you realize that you would cut off an arm and leg to do it again exactly the same way..... and yes....that is a philosophical answer.
Totally agree with muzna
Re: For married people
Maula Jatt , Definitely not wanting to put you off marriage. You see alot depends on the person you are married to and your own personality. If both partners are communicative and willing to change even slightly, the equation works extremely well . Things only go wrong when one partner is willing to do anything to keep the relationship , the other one wants to keep it too but doesnt want to change or communicate sore points.
No matter how happy or sad a marriage is, one does have to put in alot of effort for it to remain healthy and keep going. That is the truth and there is no short cut to that.
Lafu, I personally dont advocate this mindset , because it kills the family unit. Single parenting is the hardest thing in the world and kudos to those who do it. But its not healthy for the child or the parent. even if you do find another partner for yourself , you cant guarantee you found the right parent for your child . Things get very complicated.
To each their own. Like I said , every woman has a different threshold of absorbing hurt and pain.
It is still a heck load better then taking a parent away from the child and pushing them into custody battles or making them confused. I think you are confusing the two states of mind. Let me make it simpler.
One scenario is where the marriage is abusive or the partner cheated etc you know , the serious things that can kill a marriage. People walk out of marriages , which is acceptable to everyone since there are valid reasons.
Second scenario is where its just compatibility issue, personalities clashing.. This is where "to each their own" formula kicks in. Many believe, its not wise to move out of a marriage and stick to it for the security of their kids. Others believe they cant absorb anymore sadness and leave the marriage.
Eventually, kids in broken marriages do suffer , whether we accept it or not. Majority if not all , go through havoc and that pain lives with them for a major part of their lives. Hence women try to protect their kids against all that pain and havoc. Marriage is not a happy times all year round kind of a thing, there will always be phases , happy , unhappy, little bit happy, not happy but smiling, extremely sad and so on. Its hard to determine separating is the only way forward because many women feel it might benefit them but the reason for them to separate isnt so strong yet that they should have the child go through any form of separation from the other partner.
Ultimately each couple will make the decision that makes sense to them, but I will echo khatti, sweefs and Mezghan's comments - it is not about the hurt one parent endures or tolerates at the hands of the other for the sake of the children - it is the impact of knowing the parents are unhappy and the cause of it is the other parent. The parent to give him/her credit, thinks they are being selfless in remaining in a dysfunctional and unhappy marriage. The reality is the unhappy marriage is sometimes MORE damaging to the child than divorced/separated parents who can each be happier on their own away from each other.
If and this is a big if, a couple chooses to stay together - they both have to work at creating a happy environment for themselves and the children.
Re: For married people
saying and making logical statements is great but in reality when the differences start raising it's ugly head between the partners it invariably always escalates to a point when the 'decency, logic and the need to not fight in front of children goes out the window.
what i am trying to say is that it's hard, rather impossible, to reign in the emotions and anger when the couple are in a war footage. i think a very few will keep calm and composure in such situations.
better separate as quickly as possible before it becomes ugly.
Re: For married people
The reality is the unhappy marriage is sometimes MORE damaging to the child than divorced/separated parents who can each be happier on their own away from each other.
^ This.
Re: For married people
Ok guys , thanks for enlightening me. Lets all file for divorce and have fun. Our kids will be so much happier seeing us happy . gotta try that out.
Re: For married people
Ok guys , thanks for enlightening me. Lets all file for divorce and have fun. Our kids will be so much happier seeing us happy . gotta try that out.
i would understand your sarcasm if anybody responded to you in a rude manner, but there's no need for this given that we just counteracted your argument. just showing you the other side of things, the side where a separation doesn't have to be seen as "evil" or that those who choose to separate for their sanity and their children's happiness aren't necessarily weak in terms of tolerance and thresholds.
Re: For married people
CB, all of my comments came from my own personal experience. Me, personally - the child of parents who had an unhappy marriage can unequivacably say - I was and am happier after they separated. They tried for half of my lifetime to make the relationship work, but me and my siblings knew that their world views were so contradictory that one person would always be miserable when the other got their way - it doesn't make one person better than the other or more right than the other - it's just who they were.
And moreover, my relationship with each of my parents once they were apart was happier and healthier because I didn't have to deal with the tension of them being unhappy together - it took a toll on me and my siblings.
Would I wish that my parents could have stayed together? Yes, but only if they had been able to make one another happy and maintained a happy home environment. Staying together for the sake of the kids didn't work for them and ultimately them being apart was best for me their child.
Re: For married people
i would understand your sarcasm if anybody responded to you in a rude manner, but there's no need for this given that we just counteracted your argument. just showing you the other side of things, the side where a separation doesn't have to be seen as "evil" or that those who choose to separate for their sanity and their children's happiness aren't necessarily weak in terms of tolerance and thresholds.
No sweefie, its not sarcasm at all. I mean it. I learn everyday from GS . knowing the other side of the coin is important too and since majority here believes separation and divorce is the way forward in situations , it must be the right thing to do. I admit , I am wrong in believing that family can be saved. I am truly wrong in believing that kids with both parents around will always have a healthy upbringing. But i might be feeling this way coz my son is very little still , may be its different with older kids.
My son runs to his father for his attention at every opportunity he gets and I can see how he is emitting happiness in every action when he sees both of us sitting together in a room . Believe me , my experiences are echoing just that emotion. But obviously you guys must be right as well. so I feel perhaps divorce is the best way forward as you guys suggested. Sometimes changing opinion can help change lives
Re: For married people
No sweefie, its not sarcasm at all. I mean it. I learn everyday from GS . knowing the other side of the coin is important too and since majority here believes separation and divorce is the way forward in situations , it must be the right thing to do. I admit , I am wrong in believing that family can be saved. I am truly wrong in believing that kids with both parents around will always have a healthy upbringing. But i might be feeling this way coz my son is very little still , may be its different with older kids.
My son runs to his father for his attention at every opportunity he gets and I can see how he is emitting happiness in every action when he sees both of us sitting together in a room . Believe me , my experiences are echoing just that emotion. But obviously you guys must be right as well. so I feel perhaps divorce is the best way forward as you guys suggested. Sometimes changing opinion can help change lives
There is never a black and white answer that applies across the board CB.
Just because 10 people say that separation is better doesn't mean that it is better for me or for you.
I think all we are saying is that people who stay in an otherwise unfulfilling relationship do so because they see a benefit in it for their kids.
And if the cost of staying (i.e. the effort required to swim against the current) becomes too great to bear and starts impacting the quality of life, then you have to reassess.
Re: For married people
No sweefie, its not sarcasm at all. I mean it. I learn everyday from GS . knowing the other side of the coin is important too and since majority here believes separation and divorce is the way forward in situations , it must be the right thing to do. I admit , I am wrong in believing that family can be saved. I am truly wrong in believing that kids with both parents around will always have a healthy upbringing. But i might be feeling this way coz my son is very little still , may be its different with older kids.
My son runs to his father for his attention at every opportunity he gets and I can see how he is emitting happiness in every action when he sees both of us sitting together in a room . Believe me , my experiences are echoing just that emotion. But obviously you guys must be right as well. so I feel perhaps divorce is the best way forward as you guys suggested. Sometimes changing opinion can help change lives
majority is not always right. it truly depends on individual situations and whether they both think there is anything left to salvage. nobody again, is condoning an outright divorce without at least trying first nor does anybody think that you're wrong in believing a family can be saved. but at the end of the day, marriage is a two way street. if, hypothetically speaking, you're the only one trying to save your marriage and you're getting cold or little to no response from your husband then what can you do? you can't force him to care, or force him to try saving this marriage. it's not fair on you, emotionally and as an indirect result it will just suck for your child as he grows older knowing that his parents are in an unhappy marriage. why subject the child to hositility when you know you could make a much better parent to him without the negativity of being unhappily married?
anyway that's just my two cents on it. hope things work out for you :)
Re: For married people
Ok guys , thanks for enlightening me. Lets all file for divorce and have fun. Our kids will be so much happier seeing us happy . gotta try that out.
believe it or not, this is what the world is coming too...parents will decide if their kids should be happy or not after a divorce. parents will wear a glasses of selfishness and will look at their children through those lenses.
i believe, divorce should be the last step after all the ways and means of reconciliation have been exhausted...it includes elders' from both side to liaison between the husband and wife. this is the recommended way by Islam. Allah hates divorce the most among the allowable things as a last resort.
Re: For married people
believe it or not, this is what the world is coming too...parents will decide if their kids should be happy or not after a divorce. parents will wear a glasses of selfishness and will look at their children through those lenses.
i believe, divorce should be the last step after all the ways and means of reconciliation have been exhausted...it includes elders' from both side to liaison between the husband and wife. this is the recommended way by Islam. Allah hates divorce the most among the allowable things as a last resort.
who said that? i really don't think it's a difficult concept to understand. there is only so much you can do as a married person before you decide it might be better to split. and to top it off, you can try and try until you're blue in the face but if the other person does not reciprocate.. then you might as well be banging your head against a wall.