for all married men, need your views...

[WitchDr]

ok- well i know a couple, the girl is asking her husband to provide her a seperate home, saying, its even a sharai haq of a woman to have a seperate house, she doesnt want her husband to meet his parents, she wants to totally take him away out of his home, she cant tolerate the presence of anyone from her in-laws, where they all put her like as if she was in living in a valvet lap!! she doesnt herself, abide by the rules of Quran, Sunnah, Allah- what do you all say??

Isn't this what all girls ideally want? You will ask for the same things once you are in that position.

For me there is no issue worth divorcing apart from hatred. There is always room for reconciliation. There are not many issues in a married life which are not the creation of both partners, albeit in differing percentages.

[WitchDr]

oops, she has a lot of problems, she needs a seperate house, she says my husband doesnt fulfill ma requirements, where her husband is an ideal personality, i can BET, any girl can dream of him, 3rd she has the psycho case, which sometimes she denies n sometimes accepts.. even she was left all alone for a couple ov months with her husband, she tortured him there too, in every fight she takes out knifes and cutters and injure herself, she disobeys her husband, but still he thinks, shayad wo kabhi theek hojaye, he says who will marry her if i leave her knowing she has a ppsycho prob, i ask him not to turn his life psycho, she doesnt have kids too, he is soooooooooooooo kindhearted!!! but she is really good in acting and seducing!!! maybe thats why he thnks she is innocent!!! but i have seen her once in ma life fighting, she is sooooo weird... i felt!!! may Allah Bless him!

Seriously, even if you are his sister, you should stay away from him for the time being. If he wants to work on his marriage, who are you to interfere with that. You definitely should not have access to information like she is good at seducing. No decent man will share such information with others.

You seem to be so much infatuated with this person that you may be unintentionally ignoring the reasons for his wife's problem and might be becoming part of the problem as well.

[Iconoclast]

@Iconoclast

Well, since i have to go against the majority opinion in Life 1 so:

Did this girl tell her that she will like to have a separate house after marriage? If not then she has no right to ask for it.

Is the husband filthy rich? Can he scure a new house that easily? it takes people a lifetime to get a house these days. Does he have enough time to manage his own family life and take care of parents from two different houses?

Some one should knock some sense into this girl.

No response from girls?

[amana]

No response from girls?

Okay, I'll bite... :)

1. She doesn't have to specify this up front, although it would have been helpful to discuss it. Conditions in a living situation change, and both parties need to be flexible. I have lived with my in-laws in Pakistan, lived without them in Dubai and the US, and am now living with them again. It isn't my dream living arrangement, and they don't love the US, but conditions changed, and so we are adapting. If things are extremely difficult for this couple right now, time on their own would probably be helpful.

2. Depends where they live, and whether or not his parent's home is paid for. No one said he had to buy a house - what about renting an apartment. When I was newly married, I would have gladly chosen a tiny studio apartment of my own as opposed to living in a palace with my in-laws. They treated me terribly in the hopes that we would divorce.

3. While the girl may not be behaving rationally, we're only hearing one side of the story. Moving out if the parents are fit and able is an unreasonable request. Perhaps it will give them time to grow and mature. In my case, time away from my in-laws gave both sides a chance to mellow, and over the years they stopped insisting that my husband divorce me. My MIL still prods me sometimes, and I poke back, but in general we have achieved a truce, and some (grudging) respect on both sides.

The girl doesn't need slapped, she needs some compassion and perhaps some personal space.

[Reha]

Re: for all married men, need your views...

^ Its true...we only heard one side of the story.

[haimeradil]

honestly this poster starter women looks like she is on a serious mission to get this guy's wife out of his life no questions asked. it is quite disturbing to hear.

i have also heard stories like this of two of my family friend's wifes. that they bother thehusband so much that they are psycho blah blah. but i never get caught up in this the bahu-wife is a dangerous threat to this family that must be removed parade. even though they cry to people about how hard time the girl is giving them.

whether they are right or not. no one has such a right to go this war to break up any couple. no one wants their marriage to dissolve. everyone wants to work at it.

a woman is not and should not be so disposable to throw her out if there are some problems. if it was a sister or daughter who was having problems would that family be so quick to get rid of her. i think not.

one of ou family friends i mentioned the guy is trying his best to keep his basa basiawa ghar intact even though he is having problems with his wife. his family especially his mom is like why are you running afetr her getting a hard time. but he does not listen to them. he has to think about his life too and no family or parents should be so selfish to break up their son's ghar just because she does not put them all on a pedestal.

a wife is a person with feelings not robot to be in their control 24-7 all of life. she is also their family member now. she is also a aughter of the family. she is also theur and specially husband's responsibility. woh bhi kisi ki beti heh. yeh kia baat hui ke jaise problem aiye usko uta ke pehnk do. is that what people do with family. neh na.

so why this super crusade to get her out of this friend's life. kia yehi kar ke is poster beginner aurat ko chain aiga. what if this meena lady or her sister had such a women who was obsessed with breaking her home if she was having problems. no ones life is perfect. problems might be temporary or not. no one knows. but tit is no one's business except the husban and wife's especially not a so-called friends.

with friend's like this to poison this guy's mind honestly who needs enemies

[Straight_up]

Re: for all married men, need your views...

^ Good post.

[Mabrook]

Re: for all married men, need your views...

if the guy is really that good n his family treats the girl as their daughter n keep her in a velvet lap.Such considerate ppl should themselves offer their kids a seperate place to end up the prob.I know so many families where parents separate their sons shortly after marriage to avoid probs in their marriage.parents happiness is in their kids happiness.
I think our ladies hav this tactic to get rid of the girls in their sons life either prove them a physco or loose character.

[Straight_up]

Well, since I am bored, so here it goes Icono Uncle.

@Iconoclast

Well, sine i have to go against the majority opinion in Life 1 so:

Did this girl tell her that she will like to have a separate house after marriage? If not then she has no right to ask for it.

**I am sure you meant him - but anyway, I’ll assume it’s the husband we’re talking about. **

**So basically if the girl doesn’t demand for a separate accomodation prior to marriage, she loses the right for it? How interesting. So how the in-laws get along with their DIL or how they treat her after marriage, it’s irrelevant and she can no longer ask to be moved - because, oops, too late - why didn’t she ask for a separate house *before *marriage! **

**How can a girl know what the situation will be really like with her in-laws without first getting married and living with her in-laws? What if all is well and dandy prior to marriage and completely opposite after marriage? **

**She has a right to ask for separate accomodation - whether or not she’s mentioned it before marriage. **

Is the husband filthy rich? Can he scure a new house that easily? it takes people a lifetime to get a house these days. Does he have enough time to manage his own family life and take care of parents from two different houses?

**First, he does not have to buy a new house. He can rent. She wants separate accomodation and being his wife, she would most likely know what they can and cannot afford. He is obliged to provide for her and his kids within his means, of course. **

**As for having enough time to take care of his parents and two houses simultaneously - well, considering they will reside in the same city, it won’t be too difficult to keep a good eye on parents, visit them often, etc. It’s not like his parents are incapable of surviving without him - or that they are physically dependent and need him every second of the day. If he sees them couple times a week, that can be easily fit into his schedule. **

Some one should knock some sense into this girl.

Aap bismillah karein. :halo:

[Iggle]

@Mabrook

So very clearly u r on the guys side.and mind u everybody over here is giving u serious answers.u just hav to hav the guts to accept different opinions.i dunno abt that girl but u surely seem rude n short tempered , To tell u clearly that even if the girl is wrong in her demands creating differences or enhancing probs between a couple is very serious sin.If u r a sincere friend then instead of asking opinions abt divorce u should guide them both in their problem.listen to both sides n then judge or just stop interferring in others life if u can't make it any better.shadi is not gudda guddi play its a huge commitment n compromises N sacrifices hav to b made by both partners.divorce is not a joke either.this is my honest opinion n u don't hav to agree or back fire but reflect on ur role as a muslim n sincere friend/relative.

Well said Mabrook. I totally agree with your points!

Divorce is not a joke. They both need plenty of help and support from friends and family.

[haimeradil]

Well, since I am bored, so here it goes Icono Uncle. :D

good job!

well mr iconoclast she has got a very good answer for every one of your points. watcha gots to say now.

btw mr.iconoclast why are you making it sound as if that if son does not live in the same house as parents that parents will die. how often do sons see their pasrents whebn they sre single. do they need him to breath that he has to be in front of there nazar 24-7. when he is at home from morning to evening he is at work or school. weekends guys see their friends and go out. at night they come eat and sleep. i f son is living elsewhere he can also still spend the week-end with them.

if you want a family obedient dog then you can get a maid or a helpless animal who won't say anyhthing to any possible injustices or zulms happening on them by your pyare masoom se ghar wale. because this is what it sounds like that you want.

[Iconoclast]

Well, since I am bored, so here it goes Icono Uncle. :D

Thank You Thank You

**
[QUOTE]
**
**So basically if the girl doesn't demand for a separate accomodation prior to marriage, she loses the right for it? How interesting. So how the in-laws get along with their DIL or how they treat her after marriage, it's irrelevant and she can no longer ask to be moved - because, oops, too late - why didn't she ask for a separate house *before *marriage!

How can a girl know what the situation will be really like with her in-laws without first getting married and living with her in-laws? What if all is well and dandy prior to marriage and completely opposite after marriage?

She has a right to ask for separate accomodation - whether or not she's mentioned it before marriage.**

**
[/QUOTE]
**

So is it in our 1973 act or 18th amendment or "athwanja 2b" that a man has to provide a sepatae house to his wife? or is it written in Quran? Plz enlighten me. I agree that if couple have expectations from each other these shud be brought upfront.

We can only comment on what is provided to us of this story, according to the poster she is treated well by in laws, so mistreatment is not teh issue here.

**
[QUOTE]
**
*First, he does not have to *buy a new house. He can rent. She wants separate accomodation and being his wife, she would most likely know what they can and cannot afford. He is obliged to provide for her and his kids within his means, of course.
**
**
[/QUOTE]
**

Even renting a house and then furnishing it and running it is not very easy for an average person, but, i guess this is cannot be commented upon unless we know the financial situation of the guy.

**
[QUOTE]
**
**As for having enough time to take care of his parents and two houses simultaneously - well, considering they will reside in the same city, it won't be too difficult to keep a good eye on parents, visit them often, etc. It's not like his parents are incapable of surviving without him - or that they are physically dependent and need him every second of the day. If he sees them couple times a week, that can be easily fit into his schedule.

**
**
[/QUOTE]
**

Couple of times a week is enough? well thats a very subjective thing, may be he would like to see his parents everyday.

[shahwaiz]

Re: for all married men, need your views...

as far as giving divorce is concerned yes infidelty is the right answer as this is an act which takes everything away. a husband and wife relationship can bear everything except being insincere, whether it b a part of a husband or a wife's personality. one should try its best to tolerate all the other bad aspects. but trust is a key to a promising relation though there are many ups and downs in this relation wen one spends a lot rather the whole of the time together and a lot of bad does come at the forefront.

[Straight_up]

You’re very welcome, sir jee.

@Iconoclast

Thank You Thank You

So is it in our 1973 act or 18th amendment or “athwanja 2b” that a man has to provide a sepatae house to his wife? or is it written in Quran? Plz enlighten me. I agree that if couple have expectations from each other these shud be brought upfront.

It is agreed upon by all major schools of thought. Here is the excerpt that might help:

**The wife has the right to live in separate accommodation with her husband and children, and not to share it with anyone, whether it is a father, a mother or a relative. **
**This is the view of most of the Hanafi, Shaafa’i and Hanbali fuqaha’. She also has the right to refuse to live with his father, mother and siblings. **
**Al-Kaasaani said in Badaa’i al-Sanaa’i (4/24): If the husband wants to make her live with her co-wife or in-laws, such as the husband’s mother or sister or daughter from another wife or his relatives, and she refuses to do so, then he has to accommodate her in a separate house, because they may annoy her or harm her if they live together, and her refusal is an indication that she is being bothered or harmed. And because he needs to be able to have intercourse with her or be intimate with her at any time, and that cannot be done if there is a third person living with them. End quote. **
**Shaykh al-Islam Ibn Taymiyah favoured the view that if the husband is poor or unable to provide separate accommodation for his wife, she does not have the right to ask for something he is unable to give. This was narrated from him in Mataalib Ooli al-Nuha (5/122). Rather she should bear it with patience until Allaah gives him the means. **
To sum up, separate accommodation is the wife’s right, even if she did not stipulate it in the marriage contract, and she has the right to ask for it now, and she is not regarded as being wilfully defiant because of that. The commonly held view among some people, that this is creating division among siblings, is not true, because this is a shar’i right of the wife, and it serves the interests of both spouses, because it prevents free mixing and guards them against looking at things that are not permissible. It is unfortunate that in many shared family homes, a man may look at his brother’s wife, and they may shake hands or be alone together, which may lead to jealousy, envy, disputes and separation. There may also be arguments because of the children. Undoubtedly a man is a stranger (non-mahram) to his brother’s wife, so it is not permissible for him to shake hands with her or be alone with her or look at her, unless he is a mahram to her through some other means, such as breastfeeding.

Here is the source: Islam Question and Answer - She is asking for separate accommodation; is that regarded as causing separation between her husband and his family?

We can only comment on what is provided to us of this story, according to the poster she is treated well by in laws, so mistreatment is not teh issue here.

**Mistreatment or no mistreatment, it’s her right. **

Even renting a house and then furnishing it and running it is not very easy for an average person, but, i guess this is cannot be commented upon unless we know the financial situation of the guy.

**Yes, you’re right. **

Couple of times a week is enough? well thats a very subjective thing, may be he would like to see his parents everyday.

That is quite probable. In that case, it is his job and duty to make sure he’s fulfilling the rights of both parties, i.e. parents and wife/children.**

[Iconoclast]

Re: for all married men, need your views...

^ I did not see any Hadith or Quran in your reply, i will await further arguments from you on this issue, just saying that most people said that is not a proof.

**
[QUOTE]
**
That is quite probable. In that case, it is* his job and duty to make sure* he's fulfilling the rights of both parties, i.e. parents and wife/children.
**
[/QUOTE]
**

Yep, and what if he feels he cannot fulfill the rights of his parents while living in a separate house.

[Reha]

Re: for all married men, need your views...

Icono, it seems as if you are of the school of thought that no matter what: sab ko ek hi ghar mein toos ke rakho.

You may not agree with it but a man has to provide a separate home for his wife, that is his responsibility...not just a whim of the wife's. When a man tries to marry a second time, the same stipulation comes into play...he has to provide separate housing/accomodations for each wife and her kids. The same rule applies here...the wife has a right to ask for a home for herself. Im sure she wont ask if he has nothing to give, thats ridiculous because she wont get anything. But if has the means, then he has to.

As for him fulfilling his parents' rights while living separately...HE should have thought about that before HE got married. If his parents are his obsession and he cant live without staring at them 24 hours a day, then he has no business getting married and having a family. He can live separately and take care of his parents easily if he wanted peace in his life. But apparently this guy has a lot to learn about marriage.

Regardless::::::::::::::::

We're only hearing one side of the story people. That this wife is treated like royalty and all of a sudden her head started spinning and she turned into this big bad wolf. Something is missing here. No one said anything about having some sort of mental condition so Im assuming she is sane and wont just start demanding things out of the blue. There is WAY more to the story than we know.

[Iconoclast]

Re: for all married men, need your views...

^Baji Jee, i know some in-laws are cruel/judgemental/possessive and difficult to deal with, some women may justifiably want to live in a separate house, but there are examples of the opposite too. I know a couple, wife started asking for living in separate house soon after marriage and that too in a different city. After 1 year the guy finally bought a new house and shifted. After 2 months, the wife's family (1 mom and 1 sister) moved into the new house and rented their own. And now that couple is divorced.

I am saying that its not a rule that wife has to have a separate house and it should be decided on individual basis.

These issues should be and must be discussed prior to marriage, it would solve a lot of problems in relationship.

[meena_s]

Re: for all married men, need your views...

aaaaaaah... m back here after a long time, i couldnt reply any ov you due to ma absence, but now as i am here i feel lyk saving this page, and then reply you all, i agree you all that as you all are never a part of this, getting you all at MY point will be not easy, as what i know, none ov you know, and so i cant xpct you all to reply me what i have in ma mind, but thanks to all of you who took part to this discussion... i'll be sooner replying to you all here :)

[Reha]

@Iconoclast

^Baji Jee, i know some in-laws are cruel/judgemental/possessive and difficult to deal with, some women may justifiably want to live in a separate house, but there are examples of the opposite too. I know a couple, wife started asking for living in separate house soon after marriage and that too in a different city. After 1 year the guy finally bought a new house and shifted. After 2 months, the wife's family (1 mom and 1 sister) moved into the new house and rented their own. And now that couple is divorced.

I am saying that its not a rule that wife has to have a separate house and it should be decided on individual basis.

These issues should be and must be discussed prior to marriage, it would solve a lot of problems in relationship.

Bhai Sahab,

I know couples who got divorced while living with inlaws. Guess why they got divorced? Because of these ghareloo jhagre and how everyone gets involved in the couples' marital affairs. Whats your point?

IT IS A RULE that if the wife so chooses, she will have every right to ask for a separate home. There is nothing selfish or bad about that, just life. To avoid misunderstandings, its the best route to go.

[meena_s]

first of all for all those, who are taking me wrong that i think a better solution to this issue is just Divorce, i dont... that is why, i asked in ma very first thread, on WHAT basis a man can or SHOULD divorce a woman, ijust needed the suggestions and didnt impose ma views to you all, it is an open thread, not a closed one where i just gave MY view and asked you all to reply as i say... NO!
ok,now for amana you: i m not just a family friend,i m his cousin, and i treat him as ma elder bro. I often visit them as we live next to them.
I have ben knowing this family since i was borne, like 23years back, and i feel as im no other than a part of this family. I have seen all the behaviors, sympathies, kindnesses with the close views in this family for this girl.
you worte: "Her husband should provide her with a separate home, while still maintaining contact and good relations with his family"
About seperate home,i didnt deny her right if you gone through ma threads thoroughly! BUT now you gave the answer to your line, "while still maintaining contact and good relations with his family" here..... the girl says, NO- she wants NO contacts with her in-laws, according to her, he can have yearly cntacts- occassionally with his family! wo bhi like just "shaking hands" Now??? pehla sawal, kaun larka apnay walden se qata taaluuq karay ga??? if you are a boy, can you??? what would YOU do if YOUR wife says you the same so??? aik baat- aik sahi larki aisa to nahin kahay gi... theek hay one might need a seperate house but she will never ask her husband to leave his parents forever!!!
Now the second point, you said, "If his family is truly concerned for his well-being, they should help him work out his marital issues by maintaining some distance while he and his wife work out their issues privately"
Ma cousin (her husband) doesnt live here, he works abroad, he has his own house, and both of them were left all alone for a few months- she drained him!! he was pissed off!!!
Ok now to Mabrook:
i just said nonserious replies to those, where they were up to know the relation rather than taking it as a serious issue and try to figure out the solution... so you dont need to take it on your heart :)
secondly, do you think me kisi ko divorce dilwa k gunah ki murtakib hona chahungi...?? Allah na karay, main nain aisa kabhi nahin chaha, i see here alot of people are taking me too wrong, instead of undstndng me!! m not d one who likes to make spicy gossips out of serious issues!! already a lot of steps have been taken and great chances have been given to this girl. and it worked you know like what, she doesnt live wth her inlaws anymore!! even her husband is here!
To WitchDr: not taking this girl in ma mind, but i swear i would prefer living in a joint family system, i would love to call my mother in law, as my mother, his siblings would be my siblings, so what if she scolds me, she IS my mother as she is my husbands mother. ye dil ki baat hoti hay, agar mujhay apnay husband se saccha piyar hoga to uske tamaam rishto se bhi automatically sachha piyar hoga!!!
main kabhi seperate house main nahin rehna chahun, ghar main buzrug hotay hain to sukun hota hay, jab ghar main jannat hi naa hoto ghar jahannum ban jata hay!!! I swear upon Allah this is what i think!!! this is what all my heart is!! even i know, ke zaroori nahin jesa main chahun sab kuch wesa wesa ho, kia pata main unhe maa samjhun par wo mujhay beti nahin.... for a mother its too difficult to give all his son to a new girl... ye aanay wali larki ko samajhna chahye... main kisi ki ghar jaaongi shadi hokay to MAIN unke rules manungi na kay unse ye xpct karungi ke wo sab mujh aik k liye change hon!!! i WILL have to follow their rules, not THEY will have to follow what i say!!!
and you said, "You definitely should not have access to information like she is good at seducing. No decent man will share such information with others"
So would you believe Witch Dr, it wasnt the man who shared such an information, but the girl herself!!!
she never gets stop!!!i prefered not sitting with her then!!!

haimeradil:so why this super crusade to get her out of this friend's life. kia yehi kar ke is poster beginner aurat ko chain aiga. what if this meena lady or her sister had such a women who was obsessed with breaking her home if she was having problems. no ones life is perfect. problems might be temporary or not. no one knows. but tit is no one's business except the husban and wife's especially not a so-called friends"
i wish you could have a bit respect calling ma name! anyways, zabardasti to nahin, per believe me, you are taking me toooooooo wrong, believe mE!! there is a kind of people who is never ready to understand, so explaining them is a waste of time, well you are one of those!!! rest, Aap Allah ko mantay hain??? the family has even gone for istikhara, about thrice or more than that from different aalims, all of them say- NO- NOT GOOD. ye to mantay hain na ke istikhara bhi kuch hota hay ya isko bhi nahin maantay!!!???
leave it!and yeah for your next thread, i wish you have a baby boy, you grow it up and the same happens with him, then i will ask you, your son wasnt there near to you 24-7, then whats irritating you???
abhi iska jawab mat dena, jab is situation p pohncho jab jawab dena!!!
Mabrook, i have mentioned, she was given a chance to live all alone, but she couldnt manage it!!!
Iconoclast, you really getting me, thanks!!
PSquared, i dont know why you and all taking this issue that i m thinking as "agar alag ghar ka mutaliba hay to divorce her......." NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! if a girl asks for the seperate house, thats her right! BUT WALDEN KO TO JUDA NA KARAY...........koi mairee baat samajh Q nahin raha!!!
This is all by my side!!!