Re: Feeling Devastated/Broken
And I thought breaking up by text was bad
This guy clearly has communication issues and/or he is hiding something
I don't even know if his method of divorce is valid...
Stay strong, he'll get his due
Re: Feeling Devastated/Broken
Nightingale, May Allah Swt gives you patience and ability to endure everything you are going through. Please don't lose hope. The life is uncontrollable but we can control our actions. You cannot change what has happened so its no use thinking about why it has happened. Divorce cannot be undone. You now need to think about your and your daughter's future. Start thinking about your life and how you want to earn your living. Start looking up for some job. Be brave and be a role model to your daughter. She needs a stronger you. No use thinking about what, why and how it all happened. No use trying to analyse your ex-husband and your ex-inlaws.
Two main issues ahead of you:
- How to earn your living and provide a better future for you and your daughter?
- How to be sure of your daughter's custody?
Start working on these two immediately so that you don't put yourself into more trouble. You couldn't avoid whatever has already happened. But you can avoid future problems if you plan ahead. Loads of prayers to you.
Re: Feeling Devastated/Broken
Mental health is clearly a highly misunderstood taboo topic in our culture. To confuse depression with major psychiatric illnesses is sickening. Furthermore, your in laws sound awful - replacing a newspaper in your hands with a Quran? Being upset that you don't wear niqab although you do wear abaya and hijab? I'm sorry but I think the family were 'religious' without actual knowledge or common sense. At least your little daughter isn't going to be raised in that environment now
What I suspect happened was that the family as a whole decided they didn't like you, perhaps due to you not conforming to their idea of being 'religious'. And then to justify this in their minds they used your depression treatment against you, and convinced themselves that you must be mentally ill. I think they just need an excuse to justify it - if you hadn't been going through depression, they would have chosen something else, but it's just that being mentally ill is a very easy to use and convenient reason. Once they had convinced themselves, they quickly convinced your husband and now they have a reason to explain to the wider community.
It is indeed a really sad case, but please please please stay strong and don't allow yourself to fall further into depression. Make sure you are getting help, and that your immediate family members are supporting you. *Keep your child *- she is yours by every right!! YOu are mashallah an educated woman, who is clearly intelligent - so recognise their stupidity and fight to keep your child.
The best way to prove to the world now that you are not mentally ill, is to be strong through this. Raise your child as a wonderful educated young woman. Find ways to become financially independent. Enjoy your life and remember Allah knows every pain you feel, and he is definitely the most Just.
Re: Feeling Devastated/Broken
In my opinion, you should not take the responsibility of your child. if he claims that you are mentally sick then how come he gives his daughter to you.
I will suggest you should not take the responsibility of child. You can get potential rishtas.
Re: Feeling Devastated/Broken
Agree with Mirch. Our culture does not look kindly upon the idea of seeking psychological treatment....some people associate it with jin posession or black magic. Take for example seizures.......instead of understanding the medical reasons behind it ....people think demonic posession is the cause.
But the thing is.....I don't see the in-laws as being religious in a good way. In some things....that should just be common sense....they dealt with it in a way that would be sinful. Regardless of how they viewed the psychological treatment.....it should have pricked their conscience when she had the baby. After all....it certainly did when his sister delivered a baby in the same way. If they put crazy restrictions on you such as forbidding the newspaper, I hope they followed their imposed rules themselves. They're basically like the Puritans......that's what comes to mind. They've taken such an extreme view of religion.....that they've taken themselves outside the fold of Islam without realizing it. In a hadith we're advised not to veer off to extremes becasue it makes religion difficult to follow. And in my observation.....I've found that such individuals tend to make huge contradictions in Iman. They go around forbidding and following the little things....................but then they make gross mistakes in the more important aspects of one's iman/faith such as the manner in which we treat others.......and this is a place they'll screw up big-time in.....never mind that they rigidly follow the ritual practices.
I wouldn't be surprised if he thinks the child is possessed as well and wants nothing to do with it....whereas most parents will do everything in their power to help their child if they fear something is wrong. He treated you like crap, you weren't exactly happy with the restrictions they imposed on you, he does not care about your daugther......................I don't even want to use religion as a way of justifying his actions.......the man doens't have common sense or compassion and you can't have a sound marriage without that. Maybe this split could be a blessing in disguise.....sometimes having just one sound-minded parent is better than being surrounded by a complete but dysfunctional family. I doubt that thing would be any better if a reconciliation had taken place. Don't have any high hopes for him.....focus on how best to support yourself and your daughter....inshaAllah things will fall into place.
Re: Feeling Devastated/Broken
:k: Exactly. If your husband and his family don’t have the decency to discuss the problems in the marriage and hand out a divorce without letting you know what’s going on, what are they going to teach your daughter? You should definitely fight for custody and think of how you’re going to support your daughter.
Based off of your posts, it doesn’t seem like he has anything against having a daughter if he wants her custody. It’s likely his family. And what’s ironic is that for a family that says that you’re not religious enough, they forgot the value of marriage in Islam and how divorce is not liked. Idiots.
Re: Feeling Devastated/Broken
.........and try to stay away from the anti depr. psychiatrist or psychologist for now because he can use it against you in court in order to get the child custody
Re: Feeling Devastated/Broken
Do not hand your child over to him, unless you never want to see her again. Go ahead and ask for child support, but don't hold your breath or expect him to pay it. Yes, religiously he is supposed to, but we live in the real world. Men who walk away from their wives and children usually have no problems not supporting them. If I were you, I would just wipe my hands clean.
Where do you live? You already have defacto sole custody.
Nightingale, the road ahead of you will be tough, but manageable. Accept it has happened. Seek counselling to talk about your feelings and to deal with everything you have gone through. Being a single mother is not the end of the world. You also have the love and support of your family. Use it. Let them take care of you and when you are ready, start getting back on your feet.
Do not let other peoples' opinions dictate how you feel about your situation. You are in control of your life, not other people.
You will be ok. I promise you.
Re: Feeling Devastated/Broken
Oh my God..... I am speechless ..........
May Allah give you patience and Himmat so that you can take care of your daughter.
If he is avoiding you.......... not communicating with you then there is something fishy.......... seriously he is hiding something............ and he knows......... if you know he will be in trouble.......
Devote your time to your daughter..... and find some good job to keep you buzy and earn good enough money for you and your daughter so that you and your daughter won't be burden on anyone. Show him how normal you are...... so that if he goes in court for your daughter custody you can show them that you are not psycho..........
Take cares
Re: Feeling Devastated/Broken
The other thing to remember is that if the husband/ex-husband moves to Saudi Arabia with the daughter, she'll never see her. The OP really needs to be careful from now on and think things through. Keep the marital stuff out of your head. There's no chance that she'll get a visa to go to Saudi to visit her daughter. And if the father gets sole custody, doesn't let her see the child, and then she decides to fight it in court.... well, we know how the Pakistani court system is. That case will go on and on and will eventually get lost.
Get some financial support. Get a job. Explain the situation to the psychologist and if the psychologist thinks you're ok, have them give some sort of statement that you're not a psycho, you're stable and don't need any treatment.
Re: Feeling Devastated/Broken
I thought the same thing. Though it’s quite hard to believe that he might want to get married with some other girl becaue he often used to say that “aik biwi nahi sambhaali jati to doosri kaise sambhali jaye gi”. I trusted him which is natural. Or maybe he was forced by his mother and brother to do the second marriage for the “peace” that he and his family didnt find in my presence. once he said to my sister that “According to Islam if mother asks her son to divorce his wife then he should immediately obey her” my sister didnt pay much attention to it but when he dirvorced me she told me about what he said.
He is not willing for the child’s custody and that is for sure, if he was really interested then he would come to see her or ask about her through someone else. but none of them paid any attention to her after divorce. It’s also something which is surprising to me because i found him a caring father, he used to come from office and then started playing with the baby. I never needed to ask him to bring her important things. He never ignored the kid but i dont know what is in his mind about her. He sent me the draft just to keep himself at safe side so noone would blame them that they didnt even ask for their daughter’s custody. They didnt come to get my response for that draft. I got confused about her future, I heard that daughters need father to feel themselves protected but now I cant say anything after observing his lack of interest in my daughter. Allah knows better what’s best for me and her.
Your point about Jins really reminded me of something. Few days before this divorce thingi, my ex husband took me to some Mualana for DUM (this is the reason he told) we wenr their and they declared after examining our faces that I m possessed by JINs and he (my husband) is possessed by ****aan and we both laughed alot on it. I thought he also took it as something nonsense but now after reading your post they might have that thing in their minds.
this method is not the right method in our religion. One should give one divorce at a time them he should wait for 3 months then he can give the 2nd divorce and then after 3 months the third should be given. but the chances of re-conciliation are always there. that’s the most respectable way to get separated. But legaly this type of divorce won’t get mature before 3 months. The court will consider it one divorce if the first party is ready to recocile within 3 months then this divorce will be uneffective.
Definately he will go out of Pakistan and if I give him the child’s custody then obviously he will take her to him. If I finalize that I will not keep the child then I would have to cut myself off from her, there would be no point of keeping in touch with those people, also it would effect my daughter’s mind if I ask permission from court to arrange my meeting with her and it will surely make her feel that she is a part of broken family. BUT the point is that they won’t have her with heart and i am afraid about her future if she would go there. I am an educated woman so surely I will make my career for her better future InshAllah. lets see what happens.
I was thinking exactly the same thing. I will get the written statement too, it would work whenever it would be needed.
Re: Feeling Devastated/Broken
And you know what the sad thing is? You can throw this point in their faces as an argument: They care so much about you seeking roohani ilaaj..........well......Islam encourages seeking a cure to every disease whether it's going to the doctor or doing ruqya........BUT it does not encourage abandoning someone who is sick. Why don't you throw that in their religious holier-than-thou faces?
Keep your daughter. Don't give her up to them...she'll have a very tight and rigid upbringing with them. The guy lacks common sense and compassion....seems more like a mindless robot that follows his Amma's every order. If she's convinved him once to abandon his daughter....she can do it again in the future. Why put her through that pain? Kids are are alot smarter and stronger than adults give them credit for...they can tell the difference between an incomplete but healthy home environment.....and a complete/full but unhealthy one. Keep your child.
Re: Feeling Devastated/Broken
It's a horrible situation but you're still young and you'd rather find out about his horrible other side now than later on in marriage. I'd agree to the divorce and move on, you can't force him to work it out, his parents are supporting him so no one can talk sense into him (unless you have a third person in the middle who he trusts who is willing to step in).
Move on and either build a career to support your daughter, you'll be just as happy without him, probably happier even or if you feel that you can you could always get married again although that would require some serious contemplation.
I hope it goes well for you <3
Re: Feeling Devastated/Broken
Wow I don't know what to say. Too shocked and mad. I am sorry to hear about this, may Allah give you sabr and you get through it. He didn't deserve to have you. I hope you move on. A better person is waiting somewhere out there for you.
Re: Feeling Devastated/Broken
Look at the bright side, you can do whatever you like and you will not have people telling you what to read or what not to read.There are people among muslims who firmly beleive that if parenst ask you to divorce you have to do it, i find this idea quite disturbing. Its a shame but religious people can be very intolerant. Looks like your ex was one of those guys. Forget about it and be a woman for yourself, thank Allah that you have parents and siblings that will support you no matter what.I have an aunt who was abandoned by her father after divorce, she is one of the most lobved members of our family and she doesnt know anything about her fathers family. It hasnt made any difference in her lfie.
Re: Feeling Devastated/Broken
no words... cant believe this happens,, May Allah swt give you sabr i'A. And do NOT give your child to him
Re: Feeling Devastated/Broken
a lot of people don’t understand postpartum depression, and desi people are the least bit understanding when it comes to mental illnesses, and such. i’m sorry to say that maybe he and his family weren’t educated on what you are dealing with and didn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel but I hope you don’t let this distract you from the most important thing that is going on right now. Which is you. You need to focus on yourself, go to your therapy sessions and try to beat this depression so that you can be the best mom for your daughter. I have noticed when women have a daughter men don’t care too much for custody but once it’s a son oh well then it’s war. For any man to allow their family to turn him away from his wife is one thing but from his own child is a completely different story, thank your lucky stars that you aren’t growing old with such a cold hearted man.
What upsets me the most is something that I hope you don’t get offended by. How could this family walk away from an innocent child especially when we have seen it in the news mothers doing horrible things to their child due to postpartum depression. Infact I just read a story like that today: http://www.chron.com/news/article/Calif-mother-charged-in-baby-s-4-story-plunge-2138480.php and hello Andrea Yates rings a bell. Now let’s be reasonable, if women that are suffering with postpartum do not get the support and help they need be it medically, or mentally or both tragedy can occur and most of the time it’s the child that has to suffer. So when I read this post I wonder if the in-laws really thought you were mentally not capable of being a wife why would they not fight for their granddaughter to be raised with them? Please forgive me if I have overstepped my boundaries and said something that upsets you, that is not my intention.
To me that doesn’t add up… so I’m not suggesting there is more to the story but I will say that you need to find the courage to work hard, prove those horrible people wrong and show them what a great mom you can be. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and inshallah your family supports you, and that your parents can help you through this hard time. Also divorce is not handled overnight, maybe in some time you will get better and your ex will see that the girl he fell in love with is back and better than ever. Good luck to you hun, inshallah allah blesses you and your daughter with courage, good health and prosperity.
Re: Feeling Devastated/Broken
You have raised a very valid point. As I have mentioned somewhere in my above posts that I’ve been taking care of my child quite well and even in this trauma I dont let her stay down, I dont even let her routine diosturbed due to all this. I am well composed just for her. I can’t see her crying and down. My ex-inlaws know this. My ex-sis in law used to admire the way I used to take care of my daughter. When I went to see the psychologist the first thing she said after listening about my situation was that I’m good mother and I should be thankful to Allah that my condition is not worse. She gave me example of herself, she also suffered this sort of depression after her son’s birth, she said that she didnt even want to see her new born baby in her bedroom. Whereas in my case I can’t sleep without her. If she is in peace then I\m in peace. Our bond is very strong from the beginning by the grace of Allah. Now My ex and his family know this still they say that I’m mentaly sick andI find it nothing more than a weak justification. They have zero interest in my daughter. If I had a son then I cant say anything, they have been so much nice to me regarding this like they never mentioned the difference between daughter or son, they also used to say that
‘aulaad hi sab se barri naimat hai chahay larrki ho ya larrka’ so maybe I didnt recognize their actual faces or maybe they were saying these kind of things by heart. All I know that if they really want the child then they could have faught for her custody from the day first. Allah knows better.
Thanks alot for the prayers and support 
I wanted to review myself but he didnt give me any chance. According to her mother that they will NOT give me more chances (she delievered this message through my uncle, they didnt face any of us) After hearing this message I was like “was it a GAME where no chances should be given?” I got no answer. So the game is now over. my child was a game I was a game that marriage was a game. Everything was treated like a game. I wish I knew that before. My prayers and support are with my daughter.
They dont even let anyone to come and step in. I believe that they dont want to listen any reasonable thing from anyone specially about me. They think that my mistakes are not worthy for their forgiveness. Allah has decided something for me and I trust Him more than anyone now.
They are not ready to face me then how can I say something like that on their faces? they are still hiding from me. I feel like I’m a JIN or churrail jis se wo log dar rahay hain. PLUS They have piled up so many reasons for the divorce. The mentaly sickness is not the only reason they have. I and my parents are still confused that what’s the ACTUAL reason behind that intense and salfish step. They are not showing up so its useless to talk abt it. they are just spreading my stories here and there.
I am not in the favor of giving my child to them but some of the people around me say that I should continue my life as a unmarried lady and it will be possible when I wont have any kid. I deny this view, I am not alone now and I dont want to be. People say that I should not let him stay relaxed, he wont be able to raise the child and then he would realize what has he done to me/his daughter’s mother. But I am afraid it will affect my daughter’s mental health. I hate that person and he may go to hell I dont care about his future happy married life, my concern is my daughter and i believe I should keep her with me. I believe that he would never realize his action I dont expect such thing from him.
Re: Feeling Devastated/Broken
I'm so sorry to hear this Nightingale. Its terrible, may Allah swt give you strength to go through this difficult phase. Stay strong and don't lose hope, maybe Allah swt has better plans for you and your daughter, a life full of true happiness and freedom.
There is some serious ignorance and intolerance within desi society about depression, especially postpartum depression. You come across as a very mature and grounded individual and I'm pretty sure you certainly are, what were the symptoms of your depression?
Re: Feeling Devastated/Broken
Your ex-husband and in-laws need to see a psychologist immediately!