Feeling Devastated/Broken

Lifestyle Relationships
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Re: Feeling Devastated/Broken

thts really very bad ... i gues he mst hav som other plan ... feeling really sad for uuuu ... n u deserver som1 better then him .

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I am sorry to sound nasty but why bother commenting?

Sometimes a little sensitivity wouldn't come amiss.

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Karma is a *****, what goes around comes around....People like that eventually recieve it back ten-fold..just you wait and see...he'll probably end up remarrying some chalaak, kaala jaadu doing psychotic who will force him to send his parents to a nursing home, while running him into the poor house.....

Like Disney Princess advised, you need to stay strong for your daughters sake, and be a positive role model for her.

I also suffered from some post partum depression after I had my twins... had to go through IVF (already had one son also concieved through IVF) I was on complete bedrest from 26 weeks...had the twins at 33 weeks, had one twin normal (couldn't stop him from tearing through the cervix), had to do an emergency c-section to deliver the other twin...both babies were in NICU..one came home after 10 days, the other after 31 days...one of my babies had hernia surgery at 2 months old..etc, etc, etc,...and oh yea, my older son had just turned 2 yrs old! So needless to say, I as a hormonal wreck!! Thank god my husband was so supportive through out all this, he never was "gave up on me"....not all men are insensitive, zalim jerks...there are some damn good ones out there as well...

Stay strong, will keep you in my duas...inshallah, Allah SWT will show you the way....

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Re: Feeling Devastated/Broken

I am sorry to read about your ordeal Nightingale. May Allah ease your pain and grant you strength to deal with this ordeal. Ameen.
There seems to nothing which can be done now. Look at this from this angel that if he cannot stand by you when you need him in your sickness what kind of man he is. He does not deserve you.
Allah :swt: will Inshallah have some better plans for you and your little girl. Ameen.

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If he had come back for your daughter, then one could at least say that he has an interest in maintaining ties at least to that extent. But the fact the he doesn't even want her seems to indicate that ......it's MORE than just your psychological treatment that bothered him or his family. If him and his family planned this to the point that they have no interest in the little girl.....and have been doing so for the past six months...............there' seems to be a daal main kaala with the whole family's intentions. The other possibility that comes to my mind is that he either doesnt want his daughter because she's not a son....or he thinks that the she also might have the same problem that you have. It's jaahil either way.....NOTHING.....no matter what possible reasons you come up with for his behavior and decisions.....none of them will make him appear any better.

Maybe the thought of justice being done won't provide much comfort. Maybe the reflection that....an uninterested father would not have been healthy for your daughter would not bring much comfort at this point either. Pray for Allah to give you strength, peace, and clarity of mind in dealing with this situaiton, Amin.

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We don't know his side of the story, but it definitely is wrong for him to divorce you without even attempting to fix the issues. If he could consider sending you for treatment for post-partum depression, then surely he could have considered marriage counseling.

It's sad he doesn't care about his daughter. Does he even visit her? If he doesn't, please say to him and his family that they're very trusting to leave his daughter with a psycho wife... and they must have decided that 6 months ago as well.

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[quote="“Gaia, post:17, topic:245738"”]

But the difference here is that there is a child involved. Which you should be glad he’s not taking away from you, as he seems like if you both had a son, he would have taken the son. You need to gather yourself together, as much as possible, be very strong for your girl and yourself. What he did, he will have to pay for, no questions about it. But right now only YOU can help yourself.

I’m assuming your husband is either in US or UK? And I’m pretty sure he got/ is getting married again, hence the sudden divorce. Is he in-need of a citizenship?
[/quote]

Thanks Gaia I am very much encouraged by the words you’ve said. Actually some of my family members wanted to raise the question about the child’s custody. they all wanted to talk to my ex-inlaws about her, my father gave them message through one of my relatives that we want to talk to them about my baby’s custody but they didn’t come, they just sent a draft to us through a neighbour, it was an agreement about my child. it stated that this agreement was excuted by me (my name) in the favor of my husband. he wrote that he is willing to keep the child and some of the conditions were there like after giving him the custody I would not be allowed to interfere in her upbringing etc etc. I ignored it as it was not legel. but I am still confused that why are they bot facing us? Why are they avoiding to talk to us. They are not even serious about the custody of my daughter. I dont have any idea how would she be safe. I am worried but now I am making my mind that I should keep her as I know that they won’t accept her with heart. People were saying that why should I leave him like that I should give him his child and live happily but being a mother it’s very hard for me to forget my child for the rest of my life.

My husband lives in Pakistan and he often pays visits to Saudi Arabia. All of his brothers are well setteled there. I have no idea about his future plans. Many people are saying the same thing about him like he might want to get married with some other girl of his mother’s choice. I was also his mother’s choice but unfortunately she wasnt happy from me after i got married. According to her she wanted some girl who knows well about Islam. She mentioned this thing many times on my face.

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I also wanted to know his side of story, for this I visited his office but he wasnt there, I visited the other city but his brother lied to me that he wasnt there, I came back to lahore but he wasnt here also. Me and my parents also wanted to know his issues which he never mentioned. atleast he could have get the courage to talk to my elders which he never did. so this divorce thing making me all sick.

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Nightingale: I am really sorry to hear about the ordeal. Its easier saying 'Good riddance' and all but right in that moment, one feels so so terrible. Just hang in there okay?

Some people say that there may be more than the possibility that he considered you a 'psycho' or something. I disagree.

His family is very religious as you say and religious families generally do NOT believe in psychology/depression/shrinks and all.

When you mention depression to them, they will be like 'oh namaz parho aur Allah se dua maango, baaki tu sub bakwas hai'.

So it may really be QUITE a big deal for him. Even if he is not religious, our society is stil evolving with the idea of professional treatment for various forms of depression. Just do not let your depression turn into another form because of this whole crappy situation. Talk to your shrink as often as possible and let it out.

Good luck. And try not to dig too deep while looking for reasons as to why is it ended. He did not deserve you and the way he has dealt with it, speaks a lot about his character.

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See it's this point that makes me think that their issue was not just their inability to handle nightingale's treatment. Seems like there's something MORE behind their decision. Did he ditch his daughter because she's not a son? Was it because they're afraid that the daughter inherited mom's temporary psychological problems? It's odd. If they had come back for the daughter or fought to keep her....I might think that they had something just against nightingale's psychological conditions. But since they didn't...makes me wonder if they had OTHER issues/motives/plans.

And yes, there are 2 sides to a story. Being religious doens't always mean having common sense....were they supersititous? Did they think that Nightingale was possessed and that somehow the daugther would be as well? I'm not trying to offend/hurt the OP...she has enough problems. But people in our culture don't see psychological therapy in a positive/mature light.....you'll hear them say stupid things that the person is posessed or black magic has been done, etc.

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I'm so sorry to hear about your situation Nightingale :(. I hope Allah blesses you with a more caring and decent man in the future for both you and your daughter.

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I am so sorry to hear about your situation but believe it or not, I know two other girls who experienced this exact same thing! They didn't have kids but did experience depression. However in both cases, their depression was due to lack of emotional support from the husband and extremely demanding in-laws and they didn't have their family nearby. Anyways their husbands dropped them off to their parents' place and never contacted them again!! One of the girls is a really good friend of mine and I know she is not 'psychotic'. She even tried to get in touch with her husband but he had been strictly forbidden to talk to her by his parents and thus he never answered her phone calls or made any attempt to talk to her. His family was convinced that the girl was 'mentally ill' and wanted their son to stay away from her. She is a very bright girl and eventually filed for divorce and went on to have a really successful career. In fact she is now happily married and is living a much better life.

The other girl was a mere acquaintance so I don't know the details but she also went through depression and her husband's family started spreading rumors about how she is 'crazy' and thus their son had to leave her! Oh by the way this girl after her divorce also went on to become a dentist and is now happily married!!

I just want you to know that this sickening behavior does take place and there is absolutely no rationale or logic behind such illiterate behavior so don't waste your time looking for an answer. People are jahil and it's sad that these husbands couldn't man up and take care of their wives like they were supposed to! I mean it's ironic how in both cases, the girls are perfectly fine now with thriving careers and happy marriages. How can a 'crazy' person have a successful career or be in a happy marriage!? In fact men like these often drive the girl up the wall and when she has a mental breakdown, they shun her and abandon her. You should just be glad you've gotten rid of a guy who failed to realize your value and who can't even play the role of a proper father! I mean the fact that he is avoiding you makes him unworthy of even being called a man! What man abandons his wife and his one year old child?! Maybe this is God's way of showing you his real side now as opposed to 20 years down the road when it would have been too late to walk away. Stay strong and always remember, what goes around, comes around! He'll get a taste of his medicine one day!

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I know this is a very tough time for you, but you need to think rationally. A man who can give a sudden divorce,without following Islamic law and that too without giving an ounce of respect to the mother of his child can truly care about his daughter? A man who can even think of separating a mother and a child can care about his child? No No. Most likely his family just want to keep her because she's blood related. They will raise her with the same morals they have within themselves, which obviously aren't so great.

There are many questions which are unanswered, and for most of them, you'll never find an answer. However, the custody of your daughter SHOULD NOT be a question. I feel hesitation in your above post, which scares me. You need to make it very clear to YOURSELF, YOUR FAMILY, and if your ex-in-laws ever contact you, THEM; that your daughter will always stay with you. It is a huge mistake that they keep her.

I can tell you right now, you will never get answers to ALL the questions. Because for some godforsaken reason you ended up in this family, who doesn't care for anyone else but themselves. Further, I hope you're ex husband comes to his senses and explains this situation, but that is highly unlikely. And until you understand that, your healing process will not start.

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I am so sorry about this, I am actually speechless. Dont let anyone blame your post partum depression for this or make you feel guilty..a lot of women actually suffer through this after giving birth, its not uncommon. Anyhow, you are in my prayers.

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Nightingale - This is a horrible situation to be in. I can just suggest please do keep praying. May Allah swt make things better for you. There were some things i was confused about:

- What did you do that they didnt take you as that Islamic?
- What was that Masters education issue?
- Were there are any other issues?

I think husbands should always be there during delivery times else they dont realize the ordeal of going through it. When if they are abroad, when they come back they seen the child a little grown up and feel oh what a big deal because they hadnt seen the worse times. My prayers are with you.

P.S Thanks Life1 guppies/guppans for once not calling some one a troll. Really thanks for being sensitive finally.

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when he and his mother got disappeared I went to his sister’s home (who lives in my city), I wanted her to help me but you know what she said she said “ap ko rohaani ilaaj karna chahye tha apna, Allah se madad maangni chahye thi” and I was thinking that how do they know that am not asking Allah to help? was I supposed to do duas and ibadat infront of their eyes? All I can think is that they take the depression treatment as something really serious and unusual. My ex-husband said to my father in his last phone call that “your daughter was mentaly sick before marriage then you should have treated her” my father told him that she is well qualified girl then how can you declare her a mentaly sick person? | dont know where is the problem but the damage has been done so yes you are right that i shouldnt dig the things.

I remember one of his nieces is getting psychological treatment and he asked me not tell anyone and it clearly show that they dont take these things normal.

  • My MIL thought that I do Nikaab (I usually wear hijab and Abaya but cant wear nikaab due to some reasons) but after marriage when she found that i dont cover my face she got disappointed (that’s what i assumed after hearing her views about me). I hardly found it comfortable to go to attend dars (islamic speech) with her in different homes which she didnt like. I even explained that I am having a li’l baby so i wont be able to manage to sit there and listen. I explained it to my husband too and he was agreed (apparently) so I was satisfied that atleast he understands. I used to have a fine collection of some books related to Urdu literature but they were not islamic. She knew that and was not really happy with it. Once I was reading newspaper she came and took the paper from my hands and gave me the Quran to read. these things made me realize that she doesnt like my ways.

  • I am a masters degree holder and the point of mentioning this that a mentaly retard person cannot continue his/her studies nor can they take care their own child so this thing making me confused that how can they declare me a mentaly sick girl.

  • I assume that his problems were the fights and arguements between me and him. I always asked him to concentrate on what am saying, I have never been too demanding all I needed was his attention. I know men want peace at home but i got some issues and i expected him to sort out them which he didnt do. If he found me wrong then he had a right to take to me to my parents and talk infront of them.

I seriously didnt mind his absence during my delievery infact I learned to compromise but atleast I was expecting some kind words from his side on phone. He said “C-section is very common, dont cry over this” his mother was also with him she also didnt say any encouraging word to me at that time. I assumed that it might be something usual for them that s why they are not taking it serious but now recently my ex-sister in law gave birth to a baby boy via c-section and they all are extremely worried. They all are in the other city. When My father found that they have taken decision then he talked to his elder brother and wanted to meet him to talk about the re-consiliation but he said that we all are busy and worried because "our sister just had c-section so we will talk later " . after three days they sent the divorce document and everything was finished.

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your story is really very depressing and i pray from my Allah(swt) to give you sabar Ameen.......

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nightingale, how are you holding up now?

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accept wat they did to you; divorce papers they sent u. ask them for child support. regardless of how well u r financially, they must pay for the child support. and i dont think they can take custody from u.

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Allah knows the best , I agree with Saby and RV .
Since you are looking for some answers therefore I can take this further as I have dealt with very close people around me who needed psychiatric treatment and others around me were insisting to go to amils and moulvies for treatment , but I put my foot down. Those people are still convinced that psychiatric treatment is not what made the difference , their efforts which the did without telling me worked.
So here it goes:
Looks like being religious, to the extent that they wanted you to read Quran instead of newpsaper ,they think that you have been possessed by Jins. They also think that those Jins can harm others around you too therefore they thought that the best thing for them to do was to get rid of you and send you away forever. They are of the opinion that those Jins are not going to leave you alone ever because you are not opting for rohani ilaj and that jin is making you not go for rohani ilaj because he wants to possess you forever.
Being religious they all believe in the same things this makes them a close knit family therfore it is easy for them to reach to this kind of consensus very fast.
I will request you to consult a psychiatrist in addition to a psychologist . There are many many safe treatments for Depression these days.