i know what i have to do..i am going to marry this guy whether my mom likes it or not..but i just cant believe that its gotten to a point where this is happening..
princess jojo..my mom wants me to get married, but to the "shehezaada of her dreams" not mine...i think the person my mom is seeking for me..doesnt exist..i know parents want the best for their children..but this is beyond reason.
either way...i have tried my best..and mom still isnt bending..so i know what i have to do..thannks for the advice..will reread the post.
My guy is very supportive, hes one in a million..and hes been keeping my spirits up and making me laugh alot..esp at this situation..i am just disappointed in my mom..
Hmmm.....maybe your mom truly does feel offended that you only gave her an hour's short notice. That can make one panic (even if they knew that the meeting was to take at some point in the future). Then again, she may have tried to get out of it had you given her fair warning.
You said that you didn't think that your brother would rat you out...........and then later he's complaining that the guy is not from the same "region" back home? So he went from being open-minded to having reservations? See if you can talk to your brother again and try to reason with him. Talk to your brother ALONE (without your mom). Explain to him that you're not getting younger.........that you want to get married and have a family...tell him what you like about him.......explain to him that what difference does it make what region from Pak he's from when you're not going to be living there on a long-term basis anyways.....explain how some objections are not Islamic..............praise your brother........tell him that you trust/trusted him...... Get the guy and his dad to at least meet with your brother. OR...................have the guy and his dad and your brother visit your mom.........it may even have to be an unannounced visit if your mom is so stubborn.
I'm just throwing out suggestions...I don't know how helpful they'll be. But I'm wondering........what would happen if the guy and his dad were to just show up at your mom's place (let's say that your brother doesn't know about the visit). What's your mom going to do? Slam the door in their faces OR would she feel flabbergasted and....invite them in out of propriety (at least)? Even if she invites them in out of propriety.....it gives them all a chance to interact with one another face to face. They can talk about the issues that bother her....reassure her, etc. So, how effective would a surprise/sprung visit be?
what do i do now guys??? I mean forget about the hair..now its things like..oh he looks older than he says he is..do u have proof of his age? or how do we know he is really of the same zaat..i mean WTF..i am tired of this...its even gotten to the point where..my mom and bro are like..well hes not from the same region as us back home..
You showed your mom a picture of him?
now u know why i am single..not only does he have to be of the same race, caste, educated (ie doctor), have hair, but he has to be from the same region back home...but be a us or canadian citizen. I gave my mom a piece of my mind in re: same region back home..and told her she should be thankful that at least he has everything else..
Your brother thinks like that too? Wow. You should talk to your mom and tell her that she should have given birth to you in prehistoric times. Are there any examples in your family of successful marriages between different Pakistani ethnic groups, different zaats, etc? You can bring those up. And tell your mom that you want to get married with her approval, you want her blessings/duaas for this big step in your life, does that mean nothing to her?
My advice, like before, is to get a family relative involved. Your grandmother, khala, or cousin? Yeah, you told your brother and you think or thought he wouldn't rat you out. But some siblings are just closer to the parents and will rat you out then end up supporting the mother due to her emotions. Get a relative involved asap because you could end up losing your guy if his dad is telling him to move on. As for the guy, definitely don't lose him. If more reasoning and the relative thing fails, just marry him.
i really dont think its in my kismat to get married.
I left off with telling my mom that this was the weekend everyone was going to meet and finally see eachother and she didnt respond but just hung up on me. Well i let him know what happened..and pretty much ended up canceling his plans (besides i have a horrible cold and am not feeling well at all, havent been out of bed past few days).
I get a call today late afternoon/early evening..that mom has decided to come tomorrow. I call my guy up..and he is going to london for a meeting. I have the worst luck
now my family (bro, since mom doesnt seem to want to talk to me) is accusing me of not being on our families side, that i am being played, that he is using me, that i am stupid and wasting time..that this london trip is a lie..and so what if hes an investment banker..that doesnt mean anything blah blah blah
i cant take anymore of this..
redvelvet - i cant get family involved because after my dads passing..(and even before) my extended family are a bunch of opportunists..they are looking for some sort of tamasha from my family (our branch is the most successful etc) so they are looking for us to fall..after my dads passing..all that supposed "concern" and "caring" evaporated pretty quickly..and in terms of rishtas..they didnt bother to help at all ..so they are out of the picture
as for surprising my family with his family..at this stage..i dont know..i guess we are going to have to rearrange this meeting for later this month..and just get the parents involved without them knowing...until the actual event..
now i know my mom is going to use his canceling as an excuse that hes not serious etc..and honestly...i am tired..tired of fighting..life as a single was much less complicated...lonely but at least i didnt have a headache every single freaking day
confused kuri... your mom said she's going to come over tomorrow and your guy is going to london for a business trip... there is absolutely no way that they can meet? At the airport? Even if it's for up to 20 or 30 minutes?
Yes, your mom and siblings might end up saying that the guy is now stalling, is making up lies, etc. Then they'll put off the meeting for later or avoid it again. That's why I am asking if your mom can somehow meet him tomorrow.
Do you have a close Pakistani married friend who your mom sees as a good example? If you do... maybe you can get the friend to meet your guy, see how good he is, and have her talk to your mom (to talk him up)...?
Talk to your fiance, CK. And see if something can be arranged before he leaves.
Don't give up yet. One of my friends says...(cant remember the source she got this from)....that "Tumhari kismat....tumhara irada." Yeah, there's a thing such as predestination......but that doesn't mean you don't give a situation your best effort. Even with dua...you have to take some action. Talk to the guy...explore the options.
***If your mom and him can't meet...............can he AT LEAST call your mom? Don't even tell your mom that he's going to call her. That way she might even avoid the phone call...and make excuses to get out. Talk to the guy first...see if he can do that. Then have him call your mom (when you know for sure she'll be at home).
This way..........your mom can't use the excuse that "Oh he's not sincere...that's why he left for London." It's courteous......makes him look good/responsible.....plus it'll refute her assumption of his lack of interest.
***If your mom and him can't meet...............can he AT LEAST call your mom? Don't even tell your mom that he's going to call her. That way she might even avoid the phone call...and make excuses to get out. Talk to the guy first...see if he can do that. Then have him call your mom (when you know for sure she'll be at home).
This way..........your mom can't use the excuse that "Oh he's not sincere...that's why he left for London." It's courteous......makes him look good/responsible.....plus it'll refute her assumption of his lack of interest.
That is another idea... He could call and say, "Sorry, Auntie, I was unable to meet you. I have a business trip, have to go to London for (explain the job a little bit). But inshAllah, I'd love to meet you soon." If he's respectful like that, it could leave a good impression...
BUT, the thing is the mom has hung up before on confused kuri, she could hang up on him. The mother won't see him in person, so she might be braver to put him down over the phone... tell him she's not interested in meeting him, stay away from her daughter, etc... then the dial tone (she hung up). If mom does that, the guy might be really hurt and could reconsider the relationship.
That is another idea... He could call and say, "Sorry, Auntie, I was unable to meet you. I have a business trip, have to go to London for (explain the job a little bit). But inshAllah, I'd love to meet you soon." If he's respectful like that, it could leave a good impression...
BUT, the thing is the mom has hung up before on confused kuri, she could hang up on him. The mother won't see him in person, so she might be braver to put him down over the phone... tell him she's not interested in meeting him, stay away from her daughter, etc... then the dial tone (she hung up). If mom does that, the guy might be really hurt and could reconsider the relationship.
True....mom might hang up on him. I've thought about that. There's also the chance she won't hang up on him. Some people are more proper about their image when interacting with people outside their family.
I agree....that it would be best to meet in person. But if that doesn't happen......then at the very least a phone call can be made.
The guy already knows that her mother is none to keen on him....that part doesn't surprise him. I think that Confused Kuri should be there with the guy...when he makes the phone call (in the event that they can't meet face to face). That way.....CK can hear what he says to her mom on the phone. And she'll have an idea of how her mom reacts. This way...........mom can't make up lies and say "Oh he was so rude over the phone...bla bla bla...and he hung up on me, etc" If mom does lie....she can be called on it......which will be very embarrassing for her. Sigh after a point...some shame needs to kick in.
soundi and red..thanks for the great advice..i am trying my best to figure out how to put it to use..but its sooo difficult..for godsake medicine isnt this hard.
In terms of them meeting up...he is back home in canada (they are both in 2 different cities, provinces apart) and mom is coming here today. So there isnt a chance to meet.
As for the phone conversation, i will talk it over with him..that sounds like a good idea..but and i am going to sound like i am chickening out..i dont want to be present for the fallout after my mom talks to him..i know all she is going to do is badmouth him..even if she does meet him guys..she is going to reject him, both of us are aware that this is a reality..
My bro yesterday told me he is going to start looking for a guy for me himself (like hello...what happened last year when i told u i needed some help..now all of a sudden the calvary is coming in..when i really dont have use for it???) ugghhh
Guys..my mom is wearing me down..and i feel like i want to give in...i know its wrong..but is a man ever worth losing a family over??? See i hate this...the self doubt creeps in again..now i am going back into over analyzing everything..i dont want to do that..
as for other married couples soundi...my mom isnt the type who wants our dirty laundry aired to others..she is very status conscious...if i were to do that..she would kick my behind
some part of me just wants to say fine...i give up...find me whoever the h ell u want and let this misery be over...i dont even know why i want to get married anymore...and when i talk to him...i feel horrible because i am stringing him along in this mess and wasting his time..
i wish the shame would kick in..but like i said...my mom has put me on this extremely high pedestal and nothing is working..it got to a point..where before i came back to the states..i had a talk with my mom..about how i wanted to get married..have kids..for godsake just have physical relations with a man..because i am a certain age now..and i cant be a "saint" forever..i told my mom i wanted kids..and i cant take it anymore...i got 2 answers...one was silence..and that was followed by..its ur fault ur single and cant find a decent guy...then the conversation took a very nasty tone from moms side..and things were said that were extremely hurtful..that was 2 weeks ago..but i havent forgotten them...and its just making me want to draw further away...she is coming in tonight and honestly i am dreading it...thank god i am going to work on monday...
When your guy and your mom meet, maybe it’s best to have them meet in a public place. A restaurant?
Your brother… But just let him look for you. Give him a time frame to find x number of guys for you by whatever time. If he’s able to find some people, meet them to be sure of your decision.
No, a man isn’t worth losing your family over. But at the same time, is it right for your family to behave like this, lose the guy, then have resentment toward your family if you remain single? It goes both ways.
I don’t really mean dirty laundry. I meant as in a really good friend of yours can talk to your mom about a rishta for you and the rishta can be this guy (Ricky?). Sometimes hearing the same thing from one person isn’t effective, but when someone hears the same thing coming from a different mouth, it can change things. You probably know that, you’re a doc… second opinions/referral.
1- slap ur brother for not being helpfull earlier (all these years)
2- tell ur mom to hand u a list of goodlooking guys to choose from. She is not going to find a guy for you, since she's been saying its ur fault! has she even tried?? so in other words its upto you.
3- get married to Ricky!
I know she is ur mom, but what would u think of a lady like ur mom?
U and Ricky are being too patient. He is a gem of a person, that he is putting up with all of this, unbelievable!
ur a mature woman tell ur mom the very last time that ur setting up a meeting and if something goes wrong this time its HER fault and u will move forward and marry him.
stop posting in this thread and post an invitation card for redvelvet and others who have given great advice!
Tell your mom that you are preggers with Ricky’s baby…n…that…erm…it’s too risky to abort.
And that you’ll just have to get married to save face…or be the shame of desi society.
Your mom will have no choice but take you shopping for a wedding clothes. If she gets mad at you…turn it around on her and make her feel guilty. Tell her that her obstinate ways have made you fall from grace…and that if she had only compromised…she’d be a happy Granny instead of a crabby one.
Maybe we were just being “too reasonable” all along. Maybe something ridiculous like this will work. Stupid situations call for stupid measures. :shoaby:
Agree with RV and also there's another silver lining to her solution.. ur mum will want u married to him as quick as possible thinking u'll start to show and 'ppl will talk' :D
First off, i wanted to tell you that i value your advice tremendously. I think i have retained my sanity in part to your excellent advice and rickys support. To dulhan, soundi..omg everyone thanks soooo much! (sorry red couldnt send a pm..not enough posts)
My mom is very status conscious. Yes, in the end to save face she will attend the wedding if it came down to it. In terms of how "bad" would it be to get married without her blessing...realistically, it wouldnt be the end of the world, we would both go on. But emotionally, it would hurt me and i would feel guilt (i guess desi girls are just programed that way)...but eventually i would get over it.
It has only been one hour since she has been home, and already we got into it..shes accusing ricky of lieing about not being in london...and of him cancelling on purpose..arrggghhhh
I am financially independent and live alone..so that wouldnt be a problem...i want it done properly so that there, despite her objections, wont be any feelings of doubt on her part ie. is the family alright, is he educated, i mean the basic stuff..
this is going to be a long week..and honestly..she knows how to make me upset..i have tried being calm..but she twists everything to make herself look like the reasonable one..i am just tired of it all red...my life...i didnt envision myself being 33 and single...i am miserable...i really am...
my next project is to schedule another meeting...and after that..its game over...
Idk. I just don't understand how one can be so mature in terms of being financially independent and so educated and have a career.....yet have the emotion maturity of the opposite.
But just let him look for you. Give him a time frame to find x number of guys for you by whatever time. If he’s able to find some people, meet them to be sure of your decision.