Feel lost and hopeless...plz help

Lifestyle Relationships
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Has your mom even met the guy yet? If not, I think maybe things will seem a bit more clearer when your family meets him.

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Re: Feel lost and hopeless...plz help

Yeah wait till your mother meets this guy. At the end of the day. You could just go get married to him.

I assume your dad is not in the picture. I know this is the worst thing ever to do. But its either that or live a life of misery. They will be mad for a bit.

I personally am thinking of this route myself. But I am not sure. Like yourself. I do understand how hard it is to rock the boat and how much you want to please everyone around you.

But in pleasing everyone - you often have sacrifice a lot yourself. And it may seem like you are being selfish. But if they cannot see your happiness and what you want. Then who can?

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Hey Guys

amoramor-thankyou for the advice

sara - i needed that slap..thanks

redvelvet - i love u

pink orchid - i feel for u..had hoped things were getting better for u

My father passed away and thats a large part of why i started my "search" so late..i drowned myself in my work and didnt care to talk to anyone, i was too upset, consumed by grief and bitter..but it has gotten better, though i think of my dad every single day (i am getting teary eyed writing this)

Redvelvet - i dont know if i am settling or hiding it under the guise of maturity and reprioritizing or whether it truly is that. When i first got into this whole search for a guy, i wanted love, i wanted to marry for love, who doesnt? When i met someone who fit the fundamentals, i gave it 100% and there were times that i thought it was love, i tricked myself into believing it because i wanted to be married so badly. Yes looks did matter to me. I did go through hurt and humiliation and misunderstandings but i am thankful that i kept my self respect in tact and didnt do anything stupid.

I couldnt take it anymore..the biodata, having to justify my existence, getting dressed up, being looked at like i was on some auction block..and i took a few months off and re evaluated what i wanted. Looks didnt seem to matter as much as someone who treated me well..and this guy is a breath of fresh air...hes absolutey amazing. He is sooo secure in himself and i love that about him. When i look at him now...i dont see him..i see his heart..i know thats a bit mushy..but i cant help it..that is what i see..and i want him in my life forever..i realize that love is alot more than goodlooks and having ppl say nice things to u (most of which are what u want to hear)..his sticking with me is love, his telling me he is proud of my accomplishments is love, his random texts throughout the day are love, he is love itself and i cannot/willnot/do not want to leave him

i also found this article as well..its pretty desi in its advice..i think another reason for this re evaluation of what love is..came from my parents relationship..having grown up with arranged marriages..we are more open than our western counterparts in accepting that there are various paths to marriage

i cant post the link but the author is lori gottlieb and the name of the article is
marry him!

Are u alright pink orchid??? any plans on having ur parents meet him at all??

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^You say all that and you wonder if you're settling? Doesn't sound like it, LOL. IMO, it would be "settling" if you really didn't feel the desire to marry him...but were just going along with it. But that's not the case here. You DO want to marry him.

Pray for the best...for Allah to make things easier for you. Try not to get so worked up over it now....because your mom hasn't met him yet (right? cuz you didn't answer that). If she hasn't met him, you can't really say how things will turn out. Wait and see...then deal with it.

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Re: Feel lost and hopeless…plz help

Yeah I will keep you in prayers also- I hope it works out for you two!

:wub:

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Re: Feel lost and hopeless...plz help

CK

Ive been following your thread and there are a few things I will point out.

-This website is an anonymous online forum...its meant for people to come, socialize, vent, talk, make friends, etc etc etc We all have a different purpose for being here. That being said, when you read threads of marriages not working out...its okay. Its not a big deal. You know why? Because people will usually only report the bad things in their life...prime example is this thread here. How often do you see girls bragging about their marriages or husbands? You dont because there is no need to. Dont look at Life1 and get scared for your future, the examples here are exceptions...not the rule. Most people I know that fought for their love are happily married and doing great things! But no one talks about those things because there is NO NEED to.

-I think after all you have been through in life, Allah swt has given you a gift. This guy who seems to really love you. However, I dont think you're treating this gift very well. Why are you looking online when you have soemone? Why are you allowing your mother to get to you? Why are you not using your own brain? If I liked someone and from all practical angles, things were fine...I would marry the guy! Would I care what the world thought? NOOOO! Because NONE of those complainers will come into my home to comfort me when Im crying or care for me when Im old or be there for me when I need them.

-When you're ungrateful for what you have, it gets taken away. Stop underestimating yourself and stand up for what you believe in. We women are not as nazuk as we think we are. If you're so accomplished...............why has this stumped you? Why are you not getting this equation? Where will you be when this man gets tired and says "please either let me be a part of you or let me go"? He is human, he isnt made of fairy dust. He will have a threshold. Are you waiting for that to happen? Why push someone that far?

-When you cannot see the mistakes of your parents...I can feel for you. However, if you DO...I cannot feel for you! How is this okay??? You know your mother is in the wrong, so why listen?

-You said something about what if it doesnt work. Marriage is a gamble. The biggest gamble ever and there are HUGE risks involved. However, we can try to minimize the risks by doing some homework. You have minimized all you can...he loves you...thats all there is to it. After taking necessary precautions, its upto you to make it work...not just kismet.

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you need to show ur mom Vin Diesel’s pics :wub:

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Re: Feel lost and hopeless...plz help

Yknow something, you're lucky this guy is still with you. If he was anything like me, or most guys, he would have left a long time ago. Who wants to stay when your "girl" makes an issue out of things that are beyond his control? Not only that, but such petty things too like how much hair he has!

And I agree with the guy, accept him as he is, or say bye bye.

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confused kuri… :hinna: … your mom hasn’t seen the guy yet! She might end up liking him. Fight for him if your mom rejects him after the meeting. If that happens, then read up on all the advice we have given. I don’t get why your mom is bringing up the marrying younger guys thing. Yes, it does happen and I don’t discourage it either. But a lot of times, that happens if it’s a love marriage. Most guys aren’t willing to marry older girls, even if they do look young.

Seriously, how can you say that your settling on this guy??! Why are you insulting him like that? You say that he’s average, he’s not that good looking. Would you prefer someone below average? A dashing shehzada could have bad qualities. You know that this guy is good. You get all mushy about him and it’s clear you love him for who he is. That’s not settling. And by saying that, you’re treating this guy as if he’s some random stranger off of the street. Honestly, you’re doing his bayzati. You know that looks aren’t everything and you have to be realistic! Good job on taking yourself off of the matrimonial website :k: Now, just appreciate the guy a little more. He works out at the gym. Is considering growing out his hair for you. He’s trying hard to make you happy. Does he make such demands with you?

I agree. And you need to tell your mom (if she rejects him), that you’re fortunate that you even have this guy in your life considering how picky you’ve been in the past. If she rejects him, this time you’ll be the one to tell her that you lost a good guy over stupid superficial things.

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Re: Feel lost and hopeless...plz help

Ok, think about it this way. If someone 'better' came along, how would you feel? When I say better, I mean in terms of better on paper and what your family expects of you. Would you feel any regret at having gone for this guy?

If you really love someone then you wouldn't give two ****s because you want to be with them even if they are not a 100% perfect.

However, if you think you may be tempted by the better offer or feel regret at having chosen this guy then I think you should really give yourself a bit of time to consider whether you are making the right choice.

Marriage is not a joke and it should never be rushed. Give yourself time to get to know this guy better and introduce him to your mum. There is no need to hurry things along :) I know people keep saying you are not getting any younger blah blah but a marriage is for life and a few months or a years delay wont do you any harm.

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Again thanks for the wonderful advice

Reha- thanks so much. U are absolutely right..i guess my fear got the better of me

Desi guy- i know i am lucky. He knows my family isnt crazy about him, and i feel hurt that it hurts him. I know alot of guys would walk away (it has happened before, so i am not a stranger to that)..seeing him standing by me gives me so much confidence and support in him, myself and this relationship

Now i am going to slightly contradict myself (why do i have to overanalyze everything )

Starrsky - your comment made me hesitate..and i know why.

If someone else came along who was everything on paper etc that my family and i are looking for..would i go for him?? I hesitated when i answered that question. If my guy had come into my life 3 yrs ago...i would never have given him the time of day, but then again 3 yrs ago my priorities were different and i was immature (still am to some degree i guess), i dont think i would go for the other person because i am comfortable with this guy, he has stuck by me, and i am tired of having to again go through the whole biodata, justifying my existence, auction block/catwalk thing..etc u know what i mean

so am i settling because i am tired of looking for someone, knowing that i am older, well settled (which has been a big problem to guys in the past) and well educated (another problem for insecure guys), knowing that i wont be able to find a guy who is as nice as he is??
Or am i being realistic, not going along with that whole locking eyes across the room, knowing that person is my "soulmate" bollywood/hollywood blah blah and realizing that i have a guy who i am compatible with on almost every level, except slightly on the physical aspect of it all? I mean god doesnt give a single person every single postive virtue..that would be perfection and that doesnt exist amongst humans.

It doesnt help with my mom and bro saying..well u cant find anyone else so might as well just go for him because u have to (with a very sour facial expression lol), u dont have a choice..

I already know what is in my heart and i dont think its love (not that western style bakwas) or like laila majnu...i am "in like" with him..and it has, over the past few months, been growing more into love..and i like that

I dont want to wait anymore..really i feel my life is passing me by (esp on a personal level)..all my friends are married, and have or are having children, and i want to move on. I want to be with someone, go on trips, make breakfast for someone, have children and all the other things that come with marriage..single life is great but it has been overextended in my case..i know marriage isnt a bed of roses..but i am ready for a new chapter in my life..and its hard to be the third wheel..or hear of other ppl having kids..and all that..

soundarya - he has never asked me to change..and i am soooo appreciative of that..in the past i have met guys who have either soley like me based on looks, or told me to change my hair, wear more makeup, even to lose 20lbs before he would even consider meeting me (and trust me if i lost 20lbs i wouldnt exist) i have met alot of weirdos..and this guy..is a breath of fresh air..he accepts me for who i am..and hasnt asked me to change a thing..

lol u probably are sick of me and my overanalyzing...i know what i am doing is the right thing..in my heart i am not settling and he will be meeting my mom next month..lets hope it goes well..

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Re: Feel lost and hopeless...plz help

i hopes u have found peace

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Re: Feel lost and hopeless...plz help

I think some of us - myself included at times - think our husbands are supposed to be radiating light or some amazing beings that just pop out of a crowd.

My personal belief is that the most successful marriages consist of some very ordinary people doing some very extraordinary things together. By that I dont mean sky diving or bungee jumping...I mean living a peaceful life, climbing ladders of success together, raising their children according to the morals prescribed, spending their lives taking care of others, etc.

It seems like you're even questioning your choice now.

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Re: Feel lost and hopeless...plz help

Tell your mom that a lot of investment bankersmake way more than doctors (true). Since yourfamily is shallow (sorry), that should do the trick.

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Re: Feel lost and hopeless...plz help

Just relax, don't stress. Don't let your mom get to you. You have a good guy in your life, don't let go of him. Try to knock some sense into your sister. Tell her you're happy with this guy and ask her if she wants to see you happy. I wish you and the guy the best when he meets your mom. Let us know how it turns out :)

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Re: Feel lost and hopeless...plz help

its easy, in case if you want to confront your parents, tell them. Today if i marry this guy, God forbid in future something happens in between us, i will not blame you guys neither will i rely on u. As this daal has been cooked by me!!!!!!!!!!

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Re: Feel lost and hopeless...plz help

hey guys, its been a while..and wanted to give u an update..its getting pathetic by the day.
I had arranged for this weekend to be the one where i introduced my guy to my mom. I didnt want to tell my mom initially, because i didnt want to give her an excuse or any room to back out. She seemed set on coming to visit me and so i arranged it with my guy. This week, i have been bugging my mom in re: visit..and shes been saying "i am not sure if i am coming", "i will see" etc.
Finally today i just came out and said that "mom i want to know if ur coming this week to see me, i want to introduce u to someone".
Mom: "who do u want to introduce me to?"
Me: Ricky
Mom: silence..."why are u giving me one hours notice?" (btw today is wednesday, all she has to do is catch a 2hr flight to get here)
me: it happened "achanak" (ok so i told a little lie), but i want u to meet him
mom: i am busy i have to go...click

That was it. Over the past few days, she hasnt really been talking properly to me (i have a really bad cold and shes never once asked how i am feeling), its always hi,how are u? ok bye...i am soooo frustrated. I took my bro in to confidence and told him about this meeting.i dont think he would rat me out to my mom...but i am sure my mom had an idea of this meeting taking place..I am soooooooooooooo mad.
On the one hand she has been asking me to introduce her..and then when i have set up a plan etc..she isnt interested...i am at my wits end.
My guy throughout all of this has been supportive and very sweet..but i know it must hurt him to have to bear the brunt of all of this negativity.
I think i have reached my cross roads...his father is upset about the whole situation..he wants to talk to my mom to get things going..but my mom, i think, wont want to do that. His father has openly told him to move on and let me move on as well..as he feels that my guy is wasting my time..
what do i do now guys??? I mean forget about the hair..now its things like..oh he looks older than he says he is..do u have proof of his age? or how do we know he is really of the same zaat..i mean WTF..i am tired of this...its even gotten to the point where..my mom and bro are like..well hes not from the same region as us back home..
now u know why i am single..not only does he have to be of the same race, caste, educated (ie doctor), have hair, but he has to be from the same region back home...but be a us or canadian citizen. I gave my mom a piece of my mind in re: same region back home..and told her she should be thankful that at least he has everything else..

Again i have reached a turning point..i feel like my family will never accept him..and meanwhile i am approaching my 34 bday and am feeling sooo angry and resentful. I was reading pcgs thread on babies..and i feel the same way..there are times i feel so depressed, and wish i werent here...dont worry wont do anything stupid..but u know what i mean..sorry i am just writing what is coming into my head ...its a jumble of thoughts..

I am angry, resentful, i feel cheated...i had so many dreams in terms of how my wedding was going to be..what i would wear and i feel that after having waited for so long..those dreams will never come true...

sorry guys i just need to take a walk.....will log on later

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Re: Feel lost and hopeless...plz help

Are we still talking about the dude that shaves his head?

Hell man. Quit being so picky and OCD.

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Re: Feel lost and hopeless...plz help

Just marry him!!! You are 34. Some times you have to forego some things for other things. Your family will not be with you as long as a partner will be.

This is such a sad and unbelievable situation.

One more thing, you probably didn't mean it this way, but in case you did: This is not about a wedding day or what you will wear or how memorable the day will be. It should be about a marriage and companionship. That's what is at stake. When you get old, you are going to want somebody to go home to and it can't be mom forever. Don't let this chance slip by.

And if you decide to go ahead (which you should!) discuss everything clearly with your guy. He should be willing to give you the support you will need in dealing with your family's resentment and you should be able to stand up for him when need arises.

Do you think your mom is afraid of losing you if you get married? Is she afraid of being lonely?

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Quit being the damsel in distress....you have an idea of what needs/should be done

If at 33 years of age & (being in) this medical profession you dont have the courage to do things for yourself then you'll never have it.