Feel lost and hopeless...plz help

Lifestyle Relationships
61

Wow…im so sorry to hear this.

Yes ure right…typically parents are supposed to love you no matter what and want the best for you. Unfortunately parents are human too and even ore unfortunate, you get some people who don’t have a single parenting-bone in their body…yes they are bad parents.

Your mother sounds selfish nutjob and ur sister sounds like a jealous two faced person.

You have to let yourself be rational and logical, and accept that you are in your 30s, single, and have found yourself a decent guy. You have to become stronger and not let comments from your mother and sister hurt you so much.

And if you really like that guy, don’t think of him as an imperfect-jawaii.

U know how there are some MILs who think a bahu will never be good enough for her darling son? There are mothers of daughters who think the same way, that a guy will never be good enough for her daughter.

Good luck.

62

Re: Feel lost and hopeless…plz help

I say go for it. Your mom will come around eventually. You seem to be very reasonable and level headed, and it’s time you lived life for yourself as well. You don’t want to have this as a big regret later on if you let the oppurtunity pass now. Your mother is being extremely unreasonable, almost like something out of a desi drama. What, she isn’t gonna talk to you the rest of her life? If so, then really, you’re probably better off without her.

63

Confused Kuri,

At least your mom has ASKED you when you’re going to introduce her. So, as difficult as she’s being, at least she has SOME interest in meeting him.

I think (easier said than done) that you should try to remain calm…and get this guy to meet your mom. She hasn’t even seen him…and who knows? Upon meeting him…she might find him attractive. OR…she might be so impressed with his personality/manners…and these qualities may make him more attractive to her. Your mom is not always going to share your sister’s opinion on looks or other things for that matter. Getting into arguments with your mom…could be making things worse. She might even think that your arguing means that you’re not mature enough to get married (she might use it against you…even if you are ready to settle down). Plus…throwing “ultimatums” at her such as “Maybe I’ll just leave” could be perceived as a threat by her. She may think that you’re trying to control her by making this threat. And granted…sometimes threats can work. But…for now…be more proactive…and try to get her and this guy to meet. Maybe you can talk to the guy…arrange a date…explain to him that your mom is very skeptical…and give him some hints/tips as to what he should do/avoid when meeting your mom.

Instead of making threats…give your mom choices. Tell her that you’re in your 30’s and not getting any younger…and that you can either settle down with someone that you KNOW is a good person and find compatible…or you can risk waiting another 5 some years and get married at an older age. Tell your mom, that there’s no guarantee that the next guy is going to be Mr. Perfect…and that before making judgement…she should at least get to meet him. (And she’s already asked when you’re going to introduce her to him…so now DO IT). Be the mature one here. Instead of getting caught in a verbal lash-out with your mom…just sit down with her and invite her to discuss the pros and cons with you. Acknowledge her feelings and tell her that you understand she wants the best for you…and go through your options and consequences together. Don’t even involve your sister in this discussion. You need your mom’s blessings more than your sister. Have a talk with your mom when your sister is not allowed and can’t influence your mom.

64

^What RV said.

Also, a little bit of *makkhan marna *(buttering up) never hurt anyone. Ask this gentleman of yours to be on his best behavior when he meets your family, specifically your mother. Obviously, I’m not saying he’s got bad manners. I’m saying that for this situation, he should go the extra mile. Ask him to pay special attention to mom…maybe bring flowers or chocolates for her. Whenever he calls you at home, have him speak to your mother. Give her the phone and say, “X wants to see how you’re doing.” Whenever your mom enters the room, he should stand up. Once upon a time (in our parent’s generation), the younger people would stand up whenever their elders came into their presence. That doesn’t happen much anymore, but I remember a time or two when my parents and grandparents would talk fondly of this type of behavior, and I’m making a guess that if your mother grew up in that generation, she too should be flattered by this. I know it impresses the heck out of my nani.

And all this he must do without going overboard or making it seem like he’s sucking up. It’s a fine line. But if he’s up to the task, I don’t think it can hurt.

But you are the best judge of all parties in this scenario. This is just my opinion and if you think it will backfire, then scrap it.

65

:k:

Tell your mom that if you were settling, you would marry a guy you don’t know at all. But in this case, you know Ricky, you really like him and want to marry him. That’s not settling. Looks aren’t everything. In the end, you’re marrying the guy for his personality, who he is. All the rejected rishtas are a part of your past. If your mom wants you to marry Prince Charming, then tell her to search for him. To find a rishta like that within a month, you’re getting older and don’t have all the time in the world. When she finds him, you’ll consider meeting him… in reality, it’s difficult. Your mom will get tired of looking and people will tell her she’s being irrational in her requirements for your future husband. Then, when she’ll crib next month about how it’s hard to find rishtas, tell her you’ve had one all along… he was hard to find, you’re not willing to lose him. If she behaves like this in front of Ricky, he’ll eventually get turned off and possibly leave you.

And take your sister aside and ask her if she’s against your happiness. That just makes me mad what she did.

On the bright side, at least your mom asked when you are introducing her to Ricky. So just stay calm. Try to bring your sister back onto your side. Then have the meeting. If your mom still behaves likes this, have relatives speak to her.

66

You need to put your foot down immediately and with a lot of force! if this is what you want you need to fight for it. Your mom will get over it but not until you speak up about this over and over again. If you don’t fight for it then you may not marry him and that’s very important at this point since men do not wait around forever, they move on. Your mom will move on about the hair :slight_smile:

67

You aren’t going against your mom’s will. Physical attributes are not something to throw a perfectly good man away for. She needs to meet him and you need to make it happen. Don’t let her get into your head. If there were other reasons here like he’s not good to you, he’s cheated on you god forbid), or that he steals then I would say you’re mom is right!!! Moms are overprotective and yes , they want the best for their children but sometimes they need to be shown the way a little too. Don’t fight with her but don’t back down.

68

Re: Feel lost and hopeless…plz help

I say go for it youre already 33 and its you life you gotta live it,hey everything we do in life will never meet everyones expectations but we do what we think is best,if the guy meets your expectations then what more are you looking for,as for the bald head ,it is better to marry a guy with the bald head who will treat you well than a super hot guy who will make your life miserable.

69

Re: Feel lost and hopeless…plz help

-it is better to marry a guy with the bald head who will treat you well than a super hot guy who will make your life miserable.-

Well said :slight_smile:

70

Re: Feel lost and hopeless…plz help

God your situation is exactly like mine!!! Well aside from mine is a different caste.

My parents are angry and say the same thing to me. And to be honest - I think the guy I like shaves his head too! But to be honest with you hun. A lot men our age (late 20’s/30’s) have lost their hair. Receding hair. You are rarily going to find someone who has a full head of hair.

And what happens if you do?

Your not gonna use the hair to stuff pillows.

It shouldn’t matter what he looks like. Esp if you can live with it.

Your sister - sounds I must admit a bit shallow and she doesn’t sound like shes behaving very sisterly. Looks may be great. But sometimes the guy has amazing looks and a personality like crap. Or he may be so swept up in his looks - he has hardly anytime for anyone else.

If you find him attractive that is your choice. Your sister said its not her taste. So what? shes not marrying him. You are.

Or you intend to. Your mother really needs to get real. You are 33. God knows when it will be that you find someone who clicks with you on this level?

What if you never find him again?

You need talk to your sister. Confront her calmly.

Tell her you are not settling. And then you separtely need talk to your mother and talk with her calmly.

If she doesn’t listen and you still want this. Tell her to attend your wedding calmly and nicely. And if she doesn’t want anything to do with you after. So be it.

Just say to her if you love me as a daughter you would marry me off with respect to this guy.

Even if it is just his parents and your parents. You would rather do it this way and if she loves her daughter enough then perhaps she will continue to see her. But if she doesn’t than alas that is her own choice.

Beauty fades, and goes old with time. Love and understanding is something that can never fade. Especially when it is true and just.

71

off topic: what if you marry a guy with a bald head who is not hot and will not treat you well?

72

Re: Feel lost and hopeless…plz help

kismet!!!

73

hey
I really need to vent, and i am going to apologize in advance for this post. I feel like such a small person for writing it..esp after reading the post on rape, my problems, compared to that poor girl or any other victim of rape is miniscule, but i need to get this off my chest or else i am going to explode.

I am almost at the end of my vacation at home. Aside from one episode of drama (re: my bf), its been fairly smooth with mom. I mentioned to mom that as my trip was nearing, i wanted to (on the way back to the US), see “Ricky”. I dont want to lie to my mother, i dont feel the need to because i dont feel that i am doing anything wrong. I am not the type to go around doing things behind anyones back. I was soo scared to bring up the topic..but as expected she exploded and let out a tirade against me.

let me summarize my moms statements:
-u already saw him, what do u need to see him again for?
-i want to meet him, u wont introduce me to him until next year and waste more time (i already told her i am introducing her to him next month, 2 weeks away)
-looking at him makes me feel like i am going to have a heartattack
-if i dont like him, u cant marry him
-he is ugly, there is no ganja in our entire khandaan and i dont like him (hes not ganja he just shaves his head)
-there must be something obviously wrong with u if u cant find anyone else
-do whatever u want, i dont care
-since u already like him, why do u need my blessing

There are alot of really mean comments she made..but i am too upset to type them out, mostly centering on his appearance and how much of a loser i am that i cant find a nice guy.
I havent slept at all..i have been teetering on the brink of tears and then quickly reverting to anger. I know if she meets him, she is going to reject him anyways, its pretty self evident. She goes from one extreme to the other in terms of him not being good enough.
I stayed calm through the whole thing and did not raise my voice..i told my mom i liked him, he was a nice guy, again more nasty comments about how him not being attractivce, he had to be nice..

part of me wants to cry the other part of me wants to set the world on fire..she is being selfish, unreasonable

uggghhhhhhhhhhhhh sorry i cant write …too upset

74

Re: Feel lost and hopeless…plz help

:frowning:

I feel for you.

75

Re: Feel lost and hopeless…plz help

Confused Kuri,

Your mom has never seen him before right?

You can’t control or stop your mom from saying these hurtful things to you. Instead of wasting your time flying into a rage and shedding tears…try doing 2 things:

  1. Force yourself to stay calm and be nice to your mom…

  2. Use this time to do something positive such as coaching this guy on how to make the best impression on your mom.

If you get into arguments with your mom…and say hurtful things to her…scream at her…give her ultimatums…she will remember all these negative things you did AFTER she has met this guy. And she may refuse/reject the rishta just based upon the resentment that she has toward you from all the screaming and back-talk you’re doing.

^^^On the other hand, if you display patience…and be nice to your mom…continue a normal relation with her…she may feel guilty about yelling at you and giving you a hard time. You never know, her guilt MAY soften her up toward you. So, no more arguments with mom. Stay quiet. Help her out around the home. Give her a hug (maybe she’s afraid of losing you). Etc etc.

You know your mom better than this guy, so you come up with a plan for how this guy should present himself to your mom. Think about all the things that your mom would be impressed by from a rishta…and give the guy some pointers.

Pray regularly and make dua. Sometimes things work themselves out on their own…and when they do…we feel silly for getting so worked up.

76

Re: Feel lost and hopeless…plz help

I think you need a time out.

To think away from this situation. You have two options - go for it. Or leave it.

I am surprised your mum is being so stubborn. its almost as if she doesn’t want you to get married at all! Keep you all to herself.

I suggest you talk to her again in a few days. And say that you find him attractive at the end day you are having a relationship with him not her. Looks are not everything. Why does she have to bring his looks into everything? So what if there is not Ghanjaah in the khandaan? its time to a make a change!

Ghanjaah or no ghanjaah. You genuninely like this guy. He likes you. Your mother really needs understand that you want this. And you care for him. If she has one ounce of love for you - she would want her daughters happiness -

Its not like you bought a non-muslim, atheist brown hating illiterate moron home.

Maybe shes acting like this as she has not met him. Perhaps once she sees his personality she will calm down.

77

Hey

thanks so much to redvelvet (ur advice is amazing) and to pink orchid for caring and everyone else that took time out to post some advice.

I still have not bought his name up to my mother, why bother it always leads to an arguement. Yesterday my mom was telling me that alot of girls nowadays were looking for guys 2-5 yrs younger than them and that it was the “new in thing”…i got the hint..but kept quiet.

All of this is causing me to doubt myself and my decision. I keep thinking is it really worth it..is he really worth rocking the boat with my family and upsetting everyone? Its so hard when u are someone who has never gone against ur family to all of a sudden taking a huge stand like this..which is why i understand how hard ur situation is pink orchid.

When i first met him..i didnt like the way he looked..but i guess i had what was coming to me. When i first started looking for matrimonial purposes..i would reject guys solely on looks..but after a few hard learned lessons..i realized that looks arent everything..but to be honest..i dont want someone who is fug..hes..average..but i feel soo guilty saying that..i mean i wanted him to work out..and he has been doing so 6x/week for the past 4 months..hes doing what he can to make me happy..and i feel soo shallow and like such a b***h, i am headed in sabotage mode..and i dont know if i want to go down that path..

Hes a very very very nice guy, we match up in everything as i mentioned before, i have to admit that i am not blown away by his looks, but when i talk to him..i dont see that..i think its my mom and the rest of my family getting to me about how i could do so much better…and the constant tannay of u should have looked sooner..its ur fault blah blah…

i am such a horrible person for feeling all of this..i have to admit..that i joined an online match site (i know i know) and have started looking for “suitable” potentials, but i feel guilty doing this..and i am becoming angry and resentful at myself mostly..and towards my family as well…
part of the problem is..i am the most accomplished out of my immediate and extended family (in terms of education etc) and my mom puts me on this pedestal..and therefore no one is good enough..but its coming at my expense..and the expense of my sanity..

i dont know what i am doing..if i let him go..i am losing out on a great guy, i know i should grow a pair..but my biggest fear is..and from reading this site i hear the horror stories..what if i marry him..and it doesnt work out??? then???

i am just really confused..i feel like i am settling..but when i think about it..i dont know if i believe in this bollywood/hollywood fairytale love anymore, over the past year..its become..more of ..how many boxes does he fill on my checklist..and could i make it work and build it into something amazing…

sorry alot of thoughts, guilt, confusion..

78

wanted to also mention..that he is going to meet my mom next month, that hasnt changed at all. But i already know, that my mom no matter what..is going to reject him, i think its more out of being stubborn than anything..maybe thats why i am heading towards sabotage mode..i dont know..i am soo screwed..

I re read the posts..and they made me feel alot better and reassured me that what i feel deep in my heart about him is right…i know i am reacting and not thinking logically…i am going to delete that damn profile right now..

79

Re: Feel lost and hopeless…plz help

Your mum is being selfish. On the one hand she tells you that you need to get married and on the other hand she tells you that you’re not good for anyone and that you’ve chosen an ‘ugly fugly’ guy? What world is she living in? Some people have such serious problems with their health that they need help completing simple daily activities. We should be thankful for who we are and what we have. A bald head is not the huge issue that your mother has made it in to.

You need to stand up for yourself at the age of 33 and the man you claim to love - your mum is making such silly comments because you are allowing it. It’s all so easy to laugh at others for having a balding hairline or having a big nose or being hairy but what people forget to do is look at themselves and see that they aren’t perfect either.

Get her to meet the man you love, keep her sweet and push for the marriage (if you love him as much as you claim).

As for your sister - is she married to a George Clooney lookalike? Is she married at all? I’d give her a piece of my mind if I were you. Two faced so and so.

80

Im sorry but now i am losing sympathy for you. You like the guy, he clearly likes you too, and ur still worried about what ur mom will say? Its sad htat ur in ur 30s, and have a career and still have hte maturity of a 16 year old girl