father having second marriage

Lifestyle Relationships
61

Charism, you obviously know your family better than I do. That said, you would have a better idea about what step you should take....that would hopefully incur the least damage. But, I do wonder one thing. IF your grandmother **was in your mom's position...................would she prefer to find out about her own husband's (your grandfather) plans for a second marriage **BEFORE it took place.......OR...........would she prefer to be kept in the dark until **AFTER **the marriage has taken place?????? Have you wondered about that?

You decide whatever you feel is best. But I don't agree with your grandmother. Your grandma doesn't live with your mom does she? Right? You live with your mom day in and day out. You know your mom well. I think you have an idea about how she would take this news. So, the question here is....which option would hurt your mom the least? **

1) Not telling her anything until **after the marriage has taken place....and then she'll also know that you KNEW about things before hand. She'll also have to deal with the fact that the marriage has been done...and there's no room for her to get her husband to rethink his decision.

OR

2) **Letting her know of the marriage plans **before hand. Yes, she'll be upset. But it'll give her time to analyze her marriage, think about what is lacking. Talk to her husband. And think about what step she wants to take next. That way while he's preparing for a second marriage....she'll be thinking about what she needs to do for herself. I think that's more fair.

While it may not be mandatory for a guy to seek his first wife's permission to marry again........it just leaves a bad taste in one's mouth to go about a huge step so secretly. There's just something.....dirty or underhanded (for lack of a better word)........about celebrating a wedding..........while your first spouse whom you've spent years with.......is at home........waiting for your return......and has no idea what's going on behind her back.......has no idea how her life is going to change so drastically.....and didn't deserve the courtesy of being informed so that she can at least start thinking about herself and life as well.

As a daughter, you have loyalty toward your mom AND dad....and this makes it tougher to decide what would be the best path to take....because you don't want to hurt or betray either party. But, I dunno, if it were me........I would think from a woman's perspective......and try to put myself in mom's shoes. And I'd inform her. No woman is going to be the perfect wife just like no man will ever be a perfect husband. But when a woman has been with you through every up and down in life.......when she's brought your children into this world........when she's helped raise them and make so many sacrifices..........I could not keep her in the dark about this.**

******I imagine she'd be hurt **MORE by her children's secrecy.......than her husband's desire for a second wife. In a way, that seems like a bigger betrayal. Women may expect that men, by nature, may not be entirely satisfied with one woman. Even your grandmother (dad's mom) is aware of the nature of men and says they're disgusting.....and this is her OWN son she's talking about. But I think women...would expect stronger loyalty from their children.

62

Charism, think how u would feel if u were in ur mum's position and ur daughter knew but didn't tell u, seriously it's easy to not get involved but the longer u leave the situation to itself the worse and more complicated it's going to get.. I know of a mother who ended up mentally ill because of this kind of deception, it is just too much for some women to bear.. Of course your grandmother said to keep quiet, a man's mum 99% of the time is going to look out for his best interests and take his side regardless of what she says.. Is it not ur mum's right to know her husband is going to bed with someone else??

63

:k: :k: :k: Agree. I’m so glad you said that, Deeba. I was thinking of writing that as well (as I don’t trust the grandmother and also feel that she’s looking out for her son)…but I wasn’t sure how it would come across. It’s good u said it, cuz I feel that way to.

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Grandmother is also a woman herself.........how can she advise her grandaughter to keep her own mother ......her BAHU........in the dark about this? I just find that odd and even a bit fishy. It makes me wonder if grandma is in cahoots with the dad.

65

find out where your dad is planning to keep his new wife? whats gonna happen to your mom if she refuses to live with your father anymore? evaluate her financial status? find out what does she have under her name? u cannot prevent emotional scar but u definitely can prevent financial breakdown... do let her know so that she can get prepared for whats coming ahead

66

Re: father having second marriage

I agree with RV, Deeba, and yourfriend. Charism, you need to talk to your dad and try to control your emotions as much as you can. Ask him what accomodations he will provide for your mom and you (since your sister will be married). This is important because after your mom finds out, she may want to leave your dad. If she doesn't work, she's going to need the financial security from him. Then, please, tell your mom. I seriously think your grandmother will side with your dad in the end. It's best that your mom here all of this from you instead of hearing that her husband remarried through all of the gossip.

67

Re: father having second marriage

Theres a few questions i wish to know-:

1) Why wont you tell your mum? Dont say because it will destroy her etc, How do you think she would feel when she found out you knew all along?

2) Why wont u confront your dad? How old are you? What exactly could your dad do if he knows you know?

3) Whats his reasons to getting a 2nd wife? Does he want more children perhaps?

4) I dont really get why hes saying he will get married when his daughter is married off? Many people wont say anything for him having a 2nd/3rd wife as it *is *allowed in islam. But not allowed if your mum doesnt approve.

5) Why you doing this to your mum? She deserves to know the truth. Your her son.

68

You have to tell your mother. End of.

69

Re: father having second marriage

Oh Charism, you havent told your mum yet!

Check your inbox!

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Re: father having second marriage

I think something is up. I agree with everyone else, your grandmother is wrong. BUT if you can't make a decision, I would suggest istakhaara prayer. Ask ALLAH swt forguidance if you're so confused! The fact that it's a "secret" means that something is definitely fishy, and the fact that your grandmother told you she agrees with you but not to tell your mom, even fishier. Pray istakhara and hopefully you'll find out what you should do.

*If you don't want to take that route, I would also suggest telling you mom everything ASAP!!!!!! Would you ever want your husband, or your sister's husband, or hell when you have a daughter, HER husband to do that? *

71

She's a girl MB.

72

Hmm, I find it fishy that grandma doesn't want mom to know about the plans for a second marriage.

Charism,

I'm curious about a couple of things. How is your mom's relationship with your dadi? Do they get along or has there always been some tension? It's not uncommon for mothers-in-law to not get long with their daugthers-in-law. Just take a look at the majority of the threads in this forum and you'll know. Would your grandma perhaps support a second marriage (but not admit that to you) because she doesn't like your mom much?

Also, do you have any brothers? I don't recall you mentioning that you had one. Did your dad and perhaps grandmother ever have a shadeed desire for a son? Is it possible that your dad wants to marry again so that he can have a son....and that your grandmother is supporting this????

^I'm just wondering about these two questions. I don't want to put suspicion into your heart.....I'm just curious. It could very well be that it has nothing at all to do with wanting a son....or conflict between your grandma and mom. It could be that your dad feels there is something lacking in his marriage with your mom.....it could even be a mid-life crisis. I will say once again, as the others have, that "secret" leaves a bad taste in one's mouth....it arouses suspicion.....and "secret" would hurt your mom more....especially if she never suspected something like this. I feel that she should be told about it. But, you know your family better than us and I hope that everything falls into place.

73

I'm sorry if this offends you, but I think you already knew what YOU wanted to do before you created this thread. And I dont think you ever planned on telling your mother. It seems to me that you are just thinking about yourself from your statement above. **Because when he did such thing he did not think of his kids so why should he deserve that we keep in touch with him after. **As for your grandmother, I dont trust her one bit.

Btw, how did your mom react when she found out her brother was getting married again?

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Re: father having second marriage

I think OP is a bit weird, she knows about so called plan but does not want to do anything.

He dadi was informed but she also asked her to keep quite (my mom would kill me if i ever thing doing this to my wife) what kind of family is this?

Everyone is caring about everything except poor mother..............what the hell

75

My two cents:

his father is definitely having some problems with his marriage and thats why hes considering the second. He might be having a gud understanding but there might b OTHER short comings.

i think its his fathers right to marry for the second time and whether to tell his first one is his biz. Maybe he thinks its allright to hav a secret marriage rather than having it openly by telling his wife. Ofcourse his wife has the legal and moral right to know whether hes marrying or not but theres the risk that his wife wud act in a way that wud b not right for the kids n mybe for herself, not to mention that he wud b loosing his otherwise perfect relationship.

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So charism take a deep breadth n let go of the whole situation. Let ur father decide whats right. B thankful that u ve got ur parents. Try convincing ur mom its not toing to affect u in any way and that its not as bad as it seems. Do not care at all about the *humiliation. Most of us do not know whats right n whats wrong. Have u ever thot why in islam multiple marriages are allowed for men and not for women?????

because marriage is the ONLY right way of fullfilling the *needs. Bcuz men hav been created with more needs. Bcuz they wither slower than women. Becuz women get pregnant n become inactive. Bcuz women to to hav *those days. Bcuz women world wide are greater in population than men.

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Re: father having second marriage

I see a lot of problems in our society just becuz women would not let the men their right to get married. I know a lot of women remaining unmarried just bcuz they are overaged, have dark complexion or slightest of any other problem.... Just becuz we thnk that marriage is one chance of lifetime... And so we shud go for the most perfect.... Women wud try to look more attractive b4 their husbands....girls wud do anythng to appear prettier.... Ppl falling in love thnk it wud b the end of da world if they dont marry their loved ones... So many social evils.... Frustration among the youth... Married ppl getting involved in extramarital activities.... Just becuz we wud never agree wid the laws of nature.

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*Yes take a deep breath and betray your mother's trust and become her enemy by denying her right to happiness! Marvellous! SubhanAllah this is the reward for raising a child and giving somewhat 15/20 years of your life to a marriage/man, than I think we should all strive to fulfill the 'natural urges' of men!
*
Why so much hype about male sexual urges? Go involve yourself with helping the vulnerable/elderly/homeless/orphan instead of eyeing women up and wasting your energy on useless thoughts! Islam says to lower your gaze!

Women have sexual needs to, but they don't all jump the bandwagen and start having illegal affairs/remarry on this basis.

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Re: father having second marriage

The problem is no woman wud want to *share her husband with another woman and so probably neither wud his mom. Where ever it happens, it happens as a compromise by the woman. But it is smthing a woman shud do whenever she sees that she cannot fulfil all the reqs. Of her hsband. It is one of the haqooq ul ibad. And so is the man's responsibility to take care of her family. Ofcourse if a man remarries then obviously his time wud b divided b/w his families. But it does not mean that he is fulfilling his responsibilities.

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One cannot compare the modern day money grabbers/homewreckers/selfish/betraying/cheating women to the mothers of the believers. Majority of these women are already going against Islam by having secret affairs/private meetings/sexual relations with the man before entering a polygamous marriage. This is usually to entice the man into giving up his existing/wife and kids for them.

The mothers of the believers did not betray/date/have private affairs on the side,they were women of real substance and followed Allah’s laws before/after entering a polygamous marriage. The mothers of the believers gave up their lives for Islam and were not attracted by glitz and glamor of this world like the modern day women who marry for money/lust/greed and deprive the first woman/children from that marriage of the rights to a happy/stable environment.