Agree with Sahar. The human mind is a pretty powerful thing. Our own imagination/fantasies can make a person appear so much more amazing than they are in real life. And we get so caught up in this…that we overlook the red flags staring us in the face or we fail to consider the matter thoroughly.
1) I may be wrong, but it seems like this guy is the first one you’ve really fallen for. And first “loves”, especially, are pretty potent. I put quotations around the word “love” because while you believe that’s the emotion you feel for him…I think it’s more of a naive infatuation…and having been through my own share of that…you may not realize this until much later down the road. I also think that the ROOT of your problem is low self-esteem. It doesn’t look like you respect/value yourself that much, Aniesa…to allow this guy to have so much power over you.
2) You say that this guy has been “patient” with you and your demands, etc. Well, let’s ake a look at some things. You said that you wanted to make your parents proud by completing your education. Now, if you have told your boyfriend about this…and he STILL told you that you don’t need to continue your eduction…then that shows he has no respect for the goals that you and your parents have. For argument’s sake…let’s say that this guy doesn’t want you to study because he wants to be the provider in a marriage…well he doens’t have a degree and he’s failed his courses…so he doesn’t have the ability to provide for a wife. That indicates that he’s pretty foolish/naive. Financial security is important…marriages don’t run on love alone. If this guy had a sister…do you really think that he’d want HIS OWN sister to go traveling to the UK to meet some stranger guy without informing her parents? Of course not because he knows that it’s dangerous and also that such a step can ruin a girl’s reputation and that of her family. The more “izzatdar” thing for him to to do would be to man-up and talk to the girl’s parents. That’s what he would want for his own sister as well. Also, he should respect you at ALL times. There is no excuse for him to act mean to you on purpose just to “test” your love for him.
3) So, this guy is pressuring you to travel to the UK. He knows how desi culture would perceive that…but since he doesn’t care much about you and your family’s reputation…then that really just means he doesn’t love you. When you truly love someone, Aneisa, you avoid doing things that would jeopardize them in any way. He’s willing to jeopardize your izzat, your education, you safety…so what are you hoping for? Referring back to the points above…you basically have a guy who is not financially stable or devoted to his education, who doesn’t care about your goals and priorities, who wants YOU to do all the work, and who loves to play head games. He got you to pay a truck load of money and buy a plane ticket to the UK. Wow, he has you eating out of the palm of his hand. You’re bending over backwards to do whatever he wants and he’s not even meeting you half-way. And at this point you’ll argue and say, “Nahin nahin…I sometimes get mad and ignore him and don’t respond to him for days, so I’m not a doormat.” Um…yeah you are. If you truly respected yourself, you’d wait for a guy who is more mature, more settled, respects you, and will go about things in a respectful fashion. And there are guys out there who meet those standards as they’re not unreasonable. Respect yourself first and you’ll know what you’re worth and what you should hold out for.
4) I actually disagree with those who are suggesting that she ask the guy to meet her parents. Frankly speaking, I wouldn’t even want him to meet my family. A guy who doesn’t respect me, is not secure, and is emotionally manipulative…YUCK! This may sound cold, but I’d feel embarrassed to waste my family’s time like that. But I DO understand that, parents being more observant and experienced, may be able to reason with their naive kids better.
5) I don’t know what it is that you find “attractive” about this guy. Is it the sweet/romantic/filmi words that says to you? It’s not hard to give a pretty speech. Words mean nothing if they’re not backed up by consistent actions. Pay close attention to his actions…and lack thereof…and the inconsistencies.
**6) **Don’t throw your life way like this…no guy is worth it. Your educational goals, especially, (and you’ll realize this later)…are among the things that will develop your character/future. Reflect over whether or not you have your priorities in order. I have friends who completed their education after marriage…and it was very difficult…for a few, they never made it. Think about all the pros and cons about this pseudorelationship…especially about what you will lose in the bargain and what you’ve already lost. Best wishes.
