Re: Expecting romantic love from an arranged marriage?
Anyways, I'll try to explain the reason why i think it is so...well** it's like the more you know a person, the more frank you are with them and you tend to take them
for granted*. You have done the flowers, cards, movies, going on long drives and all that bit even before marriage so i would **assume* that they won't hold that much
importance after marriage. Where as, in an arrange marriage its like a process you get to know each other first and then these small gestures perhaps hold more meaning
and help you to build your bond stronger.
More "asssumptions" huh? Be careful...you don't want to became behaving like us foreign desis! ;)
On a more serious note, now THIS is what I was looking/hoping for! You stated your view earlier (ie:romance in arranged marriages are "more special") but never mentioned WHY.
I actually agree with you with the red part. You're absolutely right in saying that the more time passes by....it's very easy to settle into a "routine" and take the person you married for granted. HOWEVER.....this can happen in every marriage (love or arranged). Even in an arranged marriage...as time goes by....once kids enter the picture, many couples take each others for granted.
But I don't think the above effects how "special" the romance is that's experienced by newlywed couples. The romance experienced by the couples is special regardless of how they got married (love or arranged). I think its unfair to label one as more special versus another.
Re: Expecting romantic love from an arranged marriage?
^But it's not an uncommon misconception, Paheli. (Not justifying it). I remember when I was in high school.....a classmate had said that she'd rather go for an arranged marriage because the charm of things wears out faster in a love marriage. And we were like 14 at the time, lol. I don't know if it's in my qismat, but I've always liked the idea of love marriages more than an arranged one.
As for Zareen's view that the more you know a person, the more you take them for granted...................well, even in an arranged marriage, there will come a point where you know each other really well and the novelty wears off and you could possibly take each other for granted. It can happen in both types of marriage. .....just a matter of sooner or later. I think the argument here is about "time"......but even then.....the state of a marriage will depend upon the efforts of the couple. It's an interesting topic.....provides some food for thought for both the OP and the readers.
Re: Expecting romantic love from an arranged marriage?
^ I agree with everything you wrote.
At the end, HOW a couple got to the altar (Or in front of whoever is conducting the nikah for anyone who has issues with the word altar) doesn't make a difference. In order to make the romance "special" and have it be a continuing part of a marrige.....it requires the efforts of both the people in that marriage.
Re: Expecting romantic love from an arranged marriage?
flowers, cards, movies, long drives etc are about courtship. this is not romance, but the path to discovering it, the one on which you an quickly make a u-turn and run if the girl turns out to be a clingy psycho or something.
now after you have gone and married someone, i don’t see the point of this stuff. isn’t getting married way more of a romantic gesture than stupid long drives and cards?
i think bollywood has really warped your ideas on what romance really is.
Re: Expecting romantic love from an arranged marriage?
I guess Zareen meant that arranged marriages give chances of more of little things which give butterflies. Although the girl and guy are given chances to interact and get to know each other even in the arranged setting these days, it is still not something as knowing a guy for few years before a love marriage.
A girl who previously hasn't had any relationship, her husband in the arranged marriage would be first guy with whom she will be required to develop romantic love and thus little things like making eye contact, holding hands, sharing childhood stories, sharing silly jokes etc will all feel very romantic. Now all this can happen before marriage during the engagement period or after shaadi if the engagement period is not long. Couple in love marriage also enjoy these little gestures but enjoying these gestures for the first time is certainly different than enjoying these gestures for say 10th time.
I am not saying that love is more in arranged marriage as compared to love marriage. But the state of couples entering a marriage after having love relationship previously is very different than the state of the couples who enter into arranged marriage. Couples in love marriage start their marriage on a much comfortable level which the couple in arranged marriage would take a while to develop and this can be more romantic for someone. Having already a comfortable feeling with your new husband is equally romantic as having to develop the romantic feeling after shaadi.
So the romance is not stronger/ weaker in any type of marriage (love or arranged). Its just that the ways of romance are difference in each type.
Re: Expecting romantic love from an arranged marriage?
Lol yeah thats exactly what happens in real life. ALL my friends who had love marriages are now fed up and actually spend more time with us single guys than at home compared to back when they weren’t married. Same is also true for those who had arranged marriages but some of them still give time to their spouses
Re: Expecting romantic love from an arranged marriage?
Ok . I get your point and i do agree that the kind of romance which comes when you are that comfortabe with someone, it must be special. However, i was focusing on the novelty of romance .
But i only expressed my opinion, its not like i argued with anyone that what i was saying has to be the truth for everyone? Why my saying it is unfair but the others saying that the romance in love marriage is more special don’t have any of you members telling them the same?!
Yes, like you have said it happens in arrange marriage too the romance fizzles out when kids come into pic etc etc but were were not talking about how long lasting the romance would be, we were only comparing it regarding love vs arrange.
Re: Expecting romantic love from an arranged marriage?
Novelty is going to wear off either way......sooner or later.
It can't be so easily said that the romance will last longer in one relationship than another.
The degree of "specialness" of romantic gestures in either marriage can't be so easily determined either.
A relationship.....x number of months/years....down the road is not going to be the same as it was in the very beginning. It might get better....it might get worse. Much of it has to do with the efforts of the couple as opposed to how they got married. I'm not trying to generalize...but when I look in my family....it's the love marriages that have been more successful/healthy than the arranged ones. I'm just sharing an observation, not saying that one type is better than the other.
Romance is a broad word and can include a variety of gestures that reflect your partner's consideration/love for you. It is not confined to long drives and sizzling passion, etc.
This thread was about the dynamics of arranged and love marriages........it was NOT about desis born/living in Pak or those that were born and raised outside of the motherland. It shouldn't even have gone in that direction. One has absolutely zero control over where they're going to be born and where they'll grow up. If we're going to get upset at someone else for being "narrow-minded".....then stereotyping ANY group does not reflect an "open" mind either. I know that we're all guilty of doing that from time to time...I'm not saint myself.
Re: Expecting romantic love from an arranged marriage?
Novelty is going to wear off either way......sooner or later.
It can't be so easily said that the romance will last longer in one relationship than another.
The degree of "specialness" of romantic gestures in either marriage can't be so easily determined either.
A relationship.....x number of months/years....down the road is not going to be the same as it was in the very beginning. It might get better....it might get worse. Much of it has to do with the efforts of the couple as opposed to how they got married. I'm not trying to generalize...but when I look in my family....it's the love marriages that have been more successful/healthy than the arranged ones. I'm just sharing an observation, not saying that one type is better than the other.
Romance is a broad word and can include a variety of gestures that reflect your partner's consideration/love for you. It is not confined to long drives and sizzling passion, etc.
This thread was about the dynamics of arranged and love marriages........it was NOT about desis born/living in Pak or those that were born and raised outside of the motherland. It shouldn't even have gone in that direction. One has absolutely zero control over where they're going to be born and where they'll grow up. If we're going to get upset at someone else for being "narrow-minded".....then stereotyping ANY group does not reflect an "open" mind either. I know that we're all guilty of doing that from time to time...I'm not saint myself.
Oh Bhai/Behen! Tell me was there anything wrong in my very 1st post in this topic? I don't think so. Neither was it about desi born vs paki born but members here pushed me to post that comparison. Just like when i replied to queer's comment, members here jumped at me for it but did anyone called him off for making such a stupid comment? NO! So yeh double standards nahi hai tu kya hai.
Re: Expecting romantic love from an arranged marriage?
Novelty is going to wear off either way......sooner or later.
It can't be so easily said that the romance will last longer in one relationship than another.
The degree of "specialness" of romantic gestures in either marriage can't be so easily determined either.
A relationship.....x number of months/years....down the road is not going to be the same as it was in the very beginning. It might get better....it might get worse. Much of it has to do with the efforts of the couple as opposed to how they got married. I'm not trying to generalize...but when I look in my family....it's the love marriages that have been more successful/healthy than the arranged ones. I'm just sharing an observation, not saying that one type is better than the other.
Romance is a broad word and can include a variety of gestures that reflect your partner's consideration/love for you. It is not confined to long drives and sizzling passion, etc.
**
This thread was about the dynamics of arranged and love marriages........it was NOT about desis born/living in Pak or those that were born and raised outside of the motherland. It shouldn't even have gone in that direction. One has absolutely zero control over where they're going to be born and where they'll grow up. If we're going to get upset at someone else for being "narrow-minded".....then stereotyping ANY group does not reflect an "open" mind either. I know that we're all guilty of doing that from time to time...I'm not saint myself**.
Re: Expecting romantic love from an arranged marriage?
Ok everyone,
Zareen Khan in her initial post, which caused so much tensions, only gave her opinion.
She did not attack anyone. And she did not offend anyone. She typed that she 'believes' it.
I did not see anything offending or wrong in it (not that I agree with it), but she did not start this saga.
And Zareen did say about foreign Pakistanis that they cannot deal with a different opinion. Sadly I have to agree with her. It has happened more than often, so I would not blame her fro saying that.
However @ZareenKhan, you should have said 'some foreign' Pakistanis. Not everyone acts like that.
Re: Expecting romantic love from an arranged marriage?
Ok everyone,
Zareen Khan in her initial post, which caused so much tensions, only gave her opinion.
She did not attack anyone. And she did not offend anyone. She typed that she 'believes' it.
I did not see anything offending or wrong in it (not that I agree with it), but she did not start this saga.
And Zareen did say about foreign Pakistanis that they cannot deal with a different opinion. Sadly I have to agree with her. It has happened more than often, so I would not blame her fro saying that.
However @ZareenKhan, you should have said 'some foreign' Pakistanis. Not everyone acts like that.
Thanks :)
And just to clarify, i did say "most" ....;
I just can't believe some people. They talk about being all "open minded" and how desis back home are so backward and what not but seriously atleast reading the stuff most of the "foreign" desis write, i am just left thinking that they are quite narrow minded.
Re: Expecting romantic love from an arranged marriage?
Then it wouldn't be the least offensive if people said in their opinion, most Pakistanis residing in Pakistani make assumptions about non-resident Pakistanis and those same Pakistanis are narrow-minded and judgmental. After all that is an opinion and it is qualified by saying most and not all. The relevance of the above comment to this discussion should also not be considered since as soon as one disagrees with another's opinion, their place of residence can be brought into the discussion to negate their opinion :)
Re: Expecting romantic love from an arranged marriage?
Ok everyone,
Zareen Khan in her initial post, which caused so much tensions, only gave her opinion.
She did not attack anyone. And she did not offend anyone. She typed that she 'believes' it.
I did not see anything offending or wrong in it (not that I agree with it), but she did not start this saga.
.
It wasn't Zareen's initial post that caused tension.
Once Zareen posted her opinion on the topic, several people asked Zareen to explain the reasoning behind her beliefs. And in addition, others also shared their opinions which are different. Did anyone actually attack Zareen?
Instead of simply explaining the reasoning behind her belief/view, Zareen responded with a very nasty attitude towards foreign desis. What specific post in this thread justifies Zareen referring to "foreign" desis as "narrow minded", "duffers", and "dumb"? And other than Zareen, who else in this thread resorted to name-calling?
2 wrongs don't make a right. If Zareen for some reason felt that she was being attacked for her views....that's understandable. But that still doesn't make it "ok" for her to resort to name calling.
Re: Expecting romantic love from an arranged marriage?
Can you expect romantic love from an arranged marriage?
Yeah sure you can expect whatever you want. Whether your hopes and expectations will come true or not is matter of luck.
Re: Expecting romantic love from an arranged marriage?
Lol yeah thats exactly what happens in real life. ALL my friends who had love marriages are now fed up and actually spend more time with us single guys than at home compared to back when they weren't married. Same is also true for those who had arranged marriages but some of them still give time to their spouses
Re: Expecting romantic love from an arranged marriage?
Then it wouldn't be the least offensive if people said in their opinion, most Pakistanis residing in Pakistani make assumptions about non-resident Pakistanis and those same Pakistanis are narrow-minded and judgmental. After all that is an opinion and it is qualified by saying most and not all. The relevance of the above comment to this discussion should also not be considered since as soon as one disagrees with another's opinion, their place of residence can be brought into the discussion to negate their opinion :)
. I get your point and i do agree that the kind of romance which comes when you are that comfortabe with someone, it must be special. However, i was focusing on the novelty of romance 
.
:k: