Effects of a broken relationship on children.

Lifestyle Relationships
81

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

welll I really hate tricky people so...I disagree with you psyah..and exactly how islamic is all of that advice you jsut gave :S

82

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

But again, why is there the underlying thought that someone who divorces didn't try their best? Only the two peopple involved know how hard they tried. Some people can live a lifetime and get fed up, some can go decades....and some know within the first few years that it won't work out. It's not fair to vilify them or say that they don't deserve to live with their head held high.

I don't think I've ever seen anyone advocate divorce willy nilly--it's always been as a last resort. Let's not make something halal into something haram. Even if it is disliked, it's not haram.

83

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

Quite so ... In Islam a lie is a major sin - there is even an exception for that ... if it saves a greater fitnah.

84

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

It is when the other refuses to get a clue (perhaps cos that is comfortable for them) that a marriage disintegrates.

85

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

Okay here is some advice that many people might actually agree with ... so here goes ...

1) The female in question should seek out personal counselling.
2) The female in question should seek to tell her spouse about how she is getting counselling for her situation. (So he becomes involved).
3) For younger kids not too much of a worry - but for older kids the last thing they want to hear is "Son, you mom and I ... have gotten a divorce" ... The older kids should be involved in the process ... So it is not an abrupt surprise for them.
4) Get the whole family counselling - or open up a dialogue between the parents or a trusted mutual friend.
5) This process should resolve the matters and may set a strict guideline for both parties to follow ...

e.g. I will do this part of my bargain and you this part of your bargain and we will work to making our marriage work ... Make a list of the things she likes and does not like and he does the same - read the list out and see if they can accept it, clarify their position on it or compromise on it ...

Most people find only two or three issues that are really hard to overcome ... so for those issues make it a turn by turn thing ... for example - wife does not like her husband listening to advice that overrules her opinion ... He does not want to completely ignore his mother - so one time he listens another time he listens to wife ... and so on ...

These are the tricks I mentioned ... otherwise no trick is evil if it's intent is good and it's means are halal ...

86

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

Yeah - that happens to be the men mostly ... Us men think that women are always highly strung for no reason ... But then when we listen to a long list of things that can be said about us ... then we think - really? Okay ... the lucky ones think that ... the others just fall away in denial ...

87

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

The biggest difference between a troubled client and a troubled marriage...is emotion.

I don't emotionally feel tied to my client. I may empathize, sympathize, put myself in their shoes and even care about them. I never take what a client says personally no matter what they say to me.

Besides...once they leave...vo apne rastay mein apnay rastay.

Its not like that with a marriage, is it?

88

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

Psyah, I dont care if others pounce on you for this post. But to me , this is the best of the entire discussion. Not from this world's perspective , from the perspective of Aakhirah and totally sums it up for the men and women struggling to keep their marriages.

Jazak Allah for this beautiful post.

89

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

This is very seldom the case though. There are very few marriages where couples are just room mates. There is a lot of bitterness underneath the surface in situations like these. What you see is not what is actually there.

I disagree with this and for someone to know anything about it...they'd have to go through one...in my opinion of course.

You get one life...your parents work their entires lives to feed you, clothe you, give you a good upbringing so you can live unhappily at the end of the day with someone?

No...Islam does not choke us. It liberates us. I've heard this line..."need to make things work" so many times my ears burn when I hear it. Make what work? A dead horse? An uncooperative partner? Fight an uphill battle for what? What is the result? A 20 year old girl ages into a 50 year old workhorse with no chance at happiness in a flash...no hope for it. What is a human being's haisiyat here? A mere body that walks around? There's no heart, mind, soul, desire, dreams, aspirations, etc?

A woman is not just a wife and mother...she is a PERSON.

Its easy for people who have never been in such situations to say textbook lines like "make it work"...but a lot harder to walk in someone's shoes who has no one to "make it work" with.

Does it say anywhere in the Qur'an that you get more blessings if you stay with the father of your kids just because he's the father of your kids?

The best suggestion you have is to become a Star Plus heroine and manipulate men?

90

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

I am not saying divorce is the answer to all marital issues.

My point is NOTHING is what it seems. Divorce is harder to go through than others realize or talk about so nonchalantly. No one makes a choice like that for fun.

But no one should feel like its not an option for them either if they need it.

91

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

I think most people here have taken Psyah's stance on the game bit, in the wrong manner. I sincerely believe he did not mean manipulation or any other negative stuff you guys are assuming it to be.

I believe he is trying to tell us to use intelligent tact in dealing with the spouse. and there is nothing wrong with that.

92

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

I failed to mention that the client being referred to here means a company with which you intend to work long term and in which you have invested every resource you could, which also involves emotion. I spent 2 years trying to get a client get back on track , to get back into their good books. Imagine the roller coaster ride .

The client you suggest is the day to day customer. Who wont take up your entire resource.

I hope its clear now where that example came from.

93

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

CB...I guess we're coming from very different angles.

I don't take anything else as seriously as I do him so maybe that's why it makes no sense to me.

94

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

I think we are all doing the same Reha. shooting arrows in every possible direction we can :cb:

95

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

not exactly. the stuff psyah describes is what you have to do if you have to pacify a spiteful child, not a grown up spouse who is supposed to be your equal partner. you shouldn't have to pussyfoot around your communications with a responsible spouse with bribes and tricks - that is for dealing sulky kids. indulging in unnecessary pampering to deal with disagreements is like painting over rust spots. sooner or later it will come back with more damage.

96

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

What if the person isn't religious? I am a bit stunned at your last line. I am sure you know divorce isn't haram.

97

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

but its most disliked act among permissible.

98

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

Yes I know, but it is allowed.

I'd think something that Iblees wants wouldn't be allowed if that was the case.

99

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

well iblees also want you to walk to the door.
go out and get smokes.

now going out of door is permissible.
iblees could perhaps plan... for bigger destruction ?

Just guessing...

100

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

Err no. I think it is what others are assuming it to be. Some of us remember older discussions on the forum and what people used to write about their own situations.