Some posters mentioned the positive impact of parents divorce on them , this made me think a lot actually.
A major belief , based on studies and research is that a broken family can impact drastically on the development of kids involved in that relationship. Is that true? is that a stereotype? why do people continue to believe this if this only happens to minority and not the majority?
The positive impact of divorce on kids is a real thing as well and makes sense to me.
Measuring the risk in both these perspectives , which impact is more likely to happen to the majority of couples when they divorce?
PS: I know a lot of times reasons of divorce matter , but right now its not important why the divorce occurred , my question is totally about the after effects irrespective of the reason of divorce
I think it largely depends on how the divorce is being handled by the couple. I don't have any experience with this myself (as my parents aren't divorced) but I've observed in a couple of close friends and other people that what affects the children is not the divorce itself but rather how the couple go about it. If the parents remain civil to one another and amicable following the divorce, the children are not drastically affected in the negative sense. This was the case with all of the people I know that have divorced parents.
However, if the divorce is extremely bitter and contentious and the parents use the children to spite each other and speak negatively of their ex-spouse to the children, I would imagine that they would be quite negative affected.
How a couple handles divorce is just one facet of it all. There are so many other factors involved that can have an impact. For example, custody of children, a whole change of life and routine , accepting a new partner of the mother or the father etc ..
No matter how civil one gets , divorce is in itself ugly and there will be points that will bring up the negative feelings.
I absolutely agree with this. Kids that are as young as 2-3 years can have a very strong negative impact. Perhaps with grown up kids who have some understanding of relationships and the complexities , might realize its for the better
sometimes divorce is a good thing for the kids if they see one parent being abused by the other or if the parents are constantly fighting. also, how parents handle divorce is what makes a difference.but again, i dont have children and my parents never got divorced so i dont know personally how it feels. i have friends happily living with their divorced parents and some with stepmom or stepdad and dont seem 'broken'.
Cb, how does one determine whether divorce would have a good or bad impact on the 'majority' of couples unless majority of the couples suffer from the same exact problems? They don't; there's so much variation.
My parents fought all the time. As a result of that, all of us four sisters have personality issues. Now my Dad is gone and I wonder what was the point of all of it. He did nothing for himself and didn't let my mom stay in peace either. He fought with her. She fought back. I often find myself wishing that they had separated.
I think it depends in how it is handled like Mezhan said.. I know of only one could who are in the process of divorcing and they have really messed up their children. And even when they were together it was one huge mess. Dnt know which was better for the kids :(
RV is right, there is not a one size fits all cookie cutter answer. There are way too many variables and each situation in unique. In some situations it's actually better that a couple splits while the child(ren) are young/toddlers, that way they don't grown up in a contentious/unhealthy environment where all they witness is bickering and tension and fights. When you grow up knowing your parents are unhappy, it's a lot of burden on a kid, knowing they are only together because of you. It also can skew your own opinion on marriage in general, if all you've ever seen are your own parents unhappy.
I can speak from my own experience and say that when there are multiple children involved, there is no guarantee that they will all react/process the same way nor turn out the same way. My siblings and I and how we turned out/the path our lives took are all 100% different from one another. Despite being raised by the same parent(s) in the same household, if you sit us down separately, we all have very different reactions and opinions on life.
I think divorce is still better than raising your children in a bitter and repulsive atmosphere .
Parents fail to understand that such children don't heal with time , in fact they carry this into their adulthood and it affects them for the rest of their lives . I am 25 now , but still till today my childhood haunts me . I am scared of marriage , family , relationships .
I feel I'll be a bad mother , a bad wife .
As a child I always wished that my parents had separated. But they didn't . I always wanted to run away.
I am actually just amazed how pro-divorce this place is , while , when you speak to people outside they actually encourage others to give it their maximum best and somehow cajole you out of the idea of divorce . There is just too much research and known facts about broken marriages having screwed up the kids and their lives. There is too much evidence out there that tells us exactly this.
I am wondering if they are all very wrong and more research now needs to be put into positive impact of divorce
I am actually just amazed how pro-divorce this place is , while , when you speak to people outside they actually encourage others to give it their maximum best and somehow cajole you out of the idea of divorce . There is just too much research and known facts about broken marriages having screwed up the kids and their lives. There is too much evidence out there that tells us exactly this.
I am wondering if they are all very wrong and more research now needs to be put into positive impact of divorce
Everyone will answer this question based on their own personal experiences. I don't think anyone is being "pro-divorce" - at least I'm not. I would always advocate you to work things out, but I would never advocate staying in a marriage for the children's sake. Yes, divorce has an ugly side and it does screw up some kids but so does living in a house with two adults who can't get along.
You should do your best in a marriage because you want it to work out. Not because you're afraid a possible divorce will screw up your kid. That for me is in the same line as "what will society say?"
I am actually just amazed how pro-divorce this place is , while , when you speak to people outside they actually encourage others to give it their maximum best and somehow cajole you out of the idea of divorce . There is just too much research and known facts about broken marriages having screwed up the kids and their lives. There is too much evidence out there that tells us exactly this.
I am wondering if they are all very wrong and more research now needs to be put into positive impact of divorce
Most of us advocating divorce aren't choosing it as the first option. Divorce can have a positive impact when marriage is having a negative impact.
You should do your best in a marriage because you want it to work out. Not because you're afraid a possible divorce will screw up your kid. That for me is in the same line as "what will society say?"
Suppose your partner is a good parent but a horrible partner to you? I personally believe I would bear anything for my child. Anything. Staying with a bad partner may easily fall into that bracket as long as he's a good parent.
Deme, I know a lot of couple like that, where there is zero relations between the husband and wife and they stayed together literally because they were each good parents to the kids. They basically live like roommates and coparent.
If that's what works for the family and they manage to not fight in front of the kids and keep tension at a minimum in the household then good for them. It's their perogative.
It doesn't make them any better or worse than a couple in the same situation who chooses to divorce, because again, **it's a personal **decision.
And may I add, there is no guarantee or "research" in the world that can predict or tell you exactly how a child will turn out in that or any situation.
