Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.
And that was my point, it depends on the person. I think most of us agree that staying in a marriage that has a lot of arguments is unhealthy but I think that staying in an average marriage with minimal arguments, where both people are good parents, might be a sacrifice worth making. You may learn to love each other. On the other hand, if someone divorced in that instance I wouldn't blame them either.
completely agree.
Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.
I am actually just amazed how pro-divorce this place is , while , when you speak to people outside they actually encourage others to give it their maximum best and somehow cajole you out of the idea of divorce . There is just too much research and known facts about broken marriages having screwed up the kids and their lives. There is too much evidence out there that tells us exactly this. I am wondering if they are all very wrong and more research now needs to be put into positive impact of divorce
Peace Chicken Biryani
Trust this observation of yours ... And realise that people assume different personalities online too ... The people who are in such a situation need to make things work ... nothing comes without effort and hard work and then it actually becomes a pleasure ... many couples have probably have had really bad times but they stuck it out with each other ...
The extreme cases of abuse and kufr like behaviour is the only basis to seriously consider divorce ... in my opinion ...
Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.
I am actually just amazed how pro-divorce this place is , while , when you speak to people outside they actually encourage others to give it their maximum best and somehow cajole you out of the idea of divorce . There is just too much research and known facts about broken marriages having screwed up the kids and their lives. There is too much evidence out there that tells us exactly this. I am wondering if they are all very wrong and more research now needs to be put into positive impact of divorce
I don't think anyone is pro-divorce. however, divorce is a reality and sometimes inevitable. some times couples can have irreconcilable differences, and there is no other option. if my parents were to fight all the time and be unhappy with each other, i would rather see them get divorced than put up with each other everyday for the sake of their children only. i have seen many couples that are so truly miserable with each other.
just because a marriage is not ending in divorce doesn't make it a successful marriage. happiness, love, mutual respect for each other is what makes a marriage successful and if any of those things are missing, then its a miserable marriage. i have seen couples fighting everyday, sleeping in different rooms, never going out together, constantly talking about how horrible their spouse is.. i wouldn't be able to live with a spouse that im not happy with. does that mean im pro-divorce? no, but i am pro-happiness and pro-love. many people get divorced and are able to find someone else they are much happier with. many kids are happier with their step dad or step mom than their real parents because of how stable the marriage is. I dont come from a divorced family but if my parents were to be unhappy with each other, i would not want them together.
Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.
Peace Chicken Biryani
Trust this observation of yours ... And realise that people assume different personalities online too ... The people who are in such a situation need to make things work ... nothing comes without effort and hard work and then it actually becomes a pleasure ... many couples have probably have had really bad times but they stuck it out with each other ...
The extreme cases of abuse and kufr like behaviour is the only basis to seriously consider divorce ... in my opinion ...
If I could, I would dislike this comment.
It's an opinion like this that keeps some men and women trapped in unhappy and unhealthy situations (lack of abuse or kufr isn't the only cause of unhapiness). You assign nobility to a situation that isn't noble and villify people for wanting better for themselves. It's just sad and disappointing - but I guess it's opinions like this that keep people in unhappy situations since they believe they need to satisfy the expectations of society.
Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.
I would like to add that in essence not giving up on a marriage can give a unique type of positive learning lesson to kids. Of course it can go the other way too, but not giving up on a relationship can teach them to "leave no man behind" when it comes to family.
yes, demesne and CB.. we all agree with you here that you don't give up. and i feel like i'm banging my head against the wall because what i've been trying to say which seems to be falling on deaf ears is that we are NOT talking about cases where things have at least 5% chance of working out. we're talking about 0%, because all else has failed! because nothing seems to work. there is absolutely no point to continue fighting for something that is clearly not there anymore. and if you think that is teaching your child to not give up or leave no man behind then that is your prerogative, to me that just seems like i'm not learning my lesson and i'm not being productive and looking for a way to move forward in the most civil way possible.
Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.
haan na, bas jo hum sab 10/15 paragraphs mai likh rahay thay, wohi tum nay 3 lines mai likha hai 
#nocookiesordoodhooforyou
Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.
This is a life of may be 70 may be 80 years ... We live with our spouses for may be 75% of that time ... maximum ...
Note: If it is bad for the wife - it won't be all bells and whistles for the guy either ... they BOTH have to hack it out ... somehow ... and to do this with each other respectfully is good struggle ... and will bring huge reward in the Permanent Life ... the life where no kitch kitch happens ...
I would suggest any person ... to remain calm ... see it through - ride it like a surfer on a high wave ... and place your hopes on the compensation they get in the Hereafter for being patient.
Patience is not only rewarding for the Hereafter - it rewards well in this world too ... Sometimes fights are only fights because there is resistance ... Remove the resistance and there cannot be any fight ... Of course this has limits ... as in kufr or haram things ...
There are some really nice sayings ... that I find very helpful in life ... and they go something like this ...
If they want to take your money let them, if they want to take your fame they can, if they oppress you and defile you ... stay patient ... but if they attempt to you persuade you away from your faith, say to them - "you can take my belongings and my freedom, but if you want me to turn away from my Lord, then you will not take it as long as I live" ...
I say let people have their way ... let others have their way ... it will all come to naught and any injustices to one in these days the compensation will be taken from those who owe it on The Day of Judgement - they will find them clinging on to it for their own sakes - but having to give it away ...
Otherwise ... what may seem like the end of the road - may not be ... and there may be another five years or ten years or more to go ... and in those years - the times will not always be down and horrid ... there will be ups too ... that is the order - the pattern of life ...
The greatest pleasure Iblis gets is when his minions cause a married couple to divorce ...
Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.
CB , reasearch about how fighting parents effect their children also exists. It has some serious long-lasting effects.
It really does. I had no idea who dysfunctional our family was until I stepped outside of that environment. I compare how we were raised to other families and it feels odd to see old couple be actually NICE to each other. All we ever saw was arguments and fights.
Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.
Naah I think the effect of parents going their separate ways for the sanity of both and the children is not as big of a negative effect when the kids are as young as 2 or 3 because they don’t remember all the horrible things that happened in the marriage that caused the divorce. One of my friends has been living separately from her spouse for 2 years now and her son is 5 and both mom and dad are civil with each other. I haven’t kept in touch with her much since I don’t see her in any events. The son is used to seeing his parents living separately. She’s happy and so is her son because she’s smiling again as opposed to before. The marriage was bad and right in the beginning of it she caught her husband on video with another woman, one of those surveillance video cameras in the store their family owns. I won’t say that the marriage deserved a divorce because we don’t know what really happens behind closed doors when the couple is together.
Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.
As a child I used to see my parents fight every now and again ... I think many of us have ... but not for one moment had I wanted them to divorce or even separate ... I was ready to leave them both if they thought of doing something like that ...
As a child I would have preferred my parents to hack it out than splitting up ... the trauma of making a fairly private affair a public act was daunting to me as a child and it crossed my mind a few times that I said to myself - I hope this time they don't split up ...
Now hypothetically speaking ... both spouses can do things to make their situation better - they need to up their game ... From the female POV a man is easy to overcome ... certain buttons need to be pressed - one just needs to find them ... playing a game of chess makes for a very interesting relationship and one also gets a few wins out of it ... and all of this can be done in a civil manner and a very halal manner ... When people get in to fights they need to analyse what is causing it and if they want their way - they need to adopt a slightly different angle ... they should use all the tricks ... bribes, favours, gifts, compensations and compromises ... always have a trick up ones sleeve and they soon see their relationship blossoming ...
Sometimes coming clean is useful ... Saying things like "how do you think I feel when .... " or "Do you think it is important for me to be happy ... ?" etc ... or "Okay if you do this then I am going to do that .... that is fair" ... and so on.
Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.
^ And I thought you had said it all...
Wow, this post just takes the prize for clueless and out-of-touch.
Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.
The greatest pleasure Iblis gets is when his minions cause a married couple to divorce ...
Brother Psyah! Salam!
I would generally like to stay away from religious matters when discussing random issues in life1 BUT religion is very much a part of life and I am glad psyah brought this up. This above statement is taken into consideration by me personally always. And also, I am aware that to advocate divorce, I am in essence helping Iblis. I therefore always always advocate some workaround.
I feel sometimes if you give someone an option of an "out", they are a little less committed to the prerequisite that they should do their best ever before availing that. I feel that the divorce option was given by Allah for excruciating circumstances and there is extreme wisdom in that as there is in all edicts whether we understand it fully or not. It isn't for naught that it is frowned upon, and it isn't for naught that there is a taboo against it (pleaaaaaaaaaaase don't kill me for talking about this freely at the moment. I am just talking!)
But the out I speak of, it isn't just marriage. It's basic human psyche I speak of. If we know there is a do or die situation, most often that spurs us to "do" better.
I am so sorry OP this reply has almost nothing to do with effect of divorce on children.
Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.
Now hypothetically speaking ... both spouses can do things to make their situation better - they need to up their game ...** From the female POV a man is easy to overcome ... certain buttons need to be pressed - one just needs to find them ... playing a game of chess makes for a very interesting relationship and one also gets a few wins out of it ... and all of this can be done in a civil manner and a very halal manner ... When people get in to fights they need to analyse what is causing it and if they want their way - they need to adopt a slightly different angle ... they should use all the tricks ... bribes, favours, gifts, compensations and compromises ... always have a trick up ones sleeve and they soon see their relationship blossoming ... **
Sometimes coming clean is useful ... Saying things like "how do you think I feel when .... " or "Do you think it is important for me to be happy ... ?" etc ... or "Okay if you do this then I am going to do that .... that is fair" ... and so on.
I wish things were as easy as you claim though. reality check, it isn't really that way. Sadly things are hard, and usually one person feels the strain more at a particular time or most of the time cos that one person is committed to making it work. The other remains clueless. If both people were interested in making marriage work and were interested in the health of the marriage, then there wouldn't be fights big enough to warrant thoughts of divorce or separation. Such thoughts only come when a person feels disconnected despite efforts within a relationship. And feels like he/she is carrying the emotional burden alone.
Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.
^ And I thought you had said it all...
Wow, this post just takes the prize for clueless and out-of-touch.
And you are welcome ...
Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.
As a child I used to see my parents fight every now and again ... I think many of us have ... but not for one moment had I wanted them to divorce or even separate ... I was ready to leave them both if they thought of doing something like that ...
As a child I would have preferred my parents to hack it out than splitting up ... the trauma of making a fairly private affair a public act was daunting to me as a child and it crossed my mind a few times that I said to myself - I hope this time they don't split up ...
Now hypothetically speaking ... both spouses can do things to make their situation better - they need to up their game ... From the female POV a man is easy to overcome ... certain buttons need to be pressed - one just needs to find them ... playing a game of chess makes for a very interesting relationship and one also gets a few wins out of it ... and all of this can be done in a civil manner and a very halal manner ... When people get in to fights they need to analyse what is causing it and if they want their way - they need to adopt a slightly different angle ... they should use all the tricks ... bribes, favours, gifts, compensations and compromises ... always have a trick up ones sleeve and they soon see their relationship blossoming ...
Sometimes coming clean is useful ... Saying things like "how do you think I feel when .... " or "Do you think it is important for me to be happy ... ?" etc ... or "Okay if you do this then I am going to do that .... that is fair" ... and so on.
so many men have this perspective......that their wife should know how to "manipulate" them......that this will bring harmony and peace to their marriage.
I have so many issues with this that I'm not even sure I should begin.....
Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.
I wish things were as easy as you claim though. reality check, it isn't really that way. Sadly things are hard, and usually one person feels the strain more at a particular time or most of the time cos that one person is committed to making it work. The other remains clueless. If both people were interested in making marriage work and were interested in the health of the marriage, then there wouldn't be fights big enough to warrant thoughts of divorce or separation. Such thoughts only come when a person feels disconnected despite efforts within a relationship. And feels like he/she is carrying the emotional burden alone.
That is true - some of the "game" I talk about is finding a way to get the clueless person - clued up ... It is easier said than done ... I guess most men these days are a bit dense ...
Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.
so many men have this perspective......that their wife should know how to "manipulate" them......that this will bring harmony and peace to their marriage. I have so many issues with this that I'm not even sure I should begin.....
Then you don't need to bother ... I'm not shoving it down anyone's throat - it is simply another POV.
Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.
Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.
Then you don't need to bother ... I'm not shoving it down anyone's throat - it is simply another POV.
Wow...that's a bit harsh.
I didn't suggest that you were shoving it anywhere.
I merely suggested that I disagree with your POV.
Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.
sorry … I didn’t think it harshly … It just typed out harshly … I meant - It would be too much of a bother to refute the position and take the argument in another direction when all it is - is my opinion …
I am however talking from experience …