this again, is subjective. parental type figures exist in some families and in others, they don't. my reference is also personal experience, but it is also understanding other people's personal experience. i can't paint all father figures with the same brush stroke just because mine has been a negative/positive experience.
CB, i really don't know what you want us to say about condoning women to work at their marriage. did you expect a list of all the ways one can try before they quit? we've all said it's a last resort, explore all other avenues etc etc. i mean do you want a break down of these avenues? i'm not sure.
It is. That is why we are all here sharing our life experiences. Otherwise everyone would be saying the same thing. I think from the 2 threads on this subject we have confirmed that no two experiences are the same. The one thing that's common with us is that we see everything in the light of our own experiences.
In my situation, my Mamoos were more of a father to me than my papa ever was. I don't know what it was like to be a "daddy's girl" growing up but I do know the most important life lessons I ever learned, my confidence, my personal growth, my love for sports ...I owe it all to my Mamoos.
I love my papa dearly and there is not a day that goes by that I don't miss him and wish he
was here, but frankly, he wasn't a big influence on me or in my life until I had already passed through my teens and became an adult.
I would like to add that in essence not giving up on a marriage can give a unique type of positive learning lesson to kids. Of course it can go the other way too, but not giving up on a relationship can teach them to "leave no man behind" when it comes to family.
It is. That is why we are all here sharing our life experiences. Otherwise everyone would be saying the same thing. I think from the 2 threads on this subject we have confirmed that no two experiences are the same. The one thing that's common with us is that we see everything in the light of our own experiences.
This X 1000%!
I wholeheartedly agree. Each of us internalizes our circumstances and learns from and reacts toour experiences differently - there is no one right answer or one size fits all. In my own home, each of the siblings reacted differently to our parents' marriage and it took me a while to realize that I had no right to judge another person's perspective (even my sibling's), whether I agreed with it or not.
I think the only objective that I have in contributing to the series of threads on this topic is to eliminate the taboo and judgement for couples who do choose the route of separation. It might not be right for everyone, but for the people who did make that choice, neither they, nor their children should be judged for that decision.
And the same applies to the flip side. If someone chooses to remain in an unhappy marriage - that person/couple shouldn't be judged for their decision.
I am actually just amazed how pro-divorce this place is , while , when you speak to people outside they actually encourage others to give it their maximum best and somehow cajole you out of the idea of divorce . There is just too much research and known facts about broken marriages having screwed up the kids and their lives. There is too much evidence out there that tells us exactly this.
I am wondering if they are all very wrong and more research now needs to be put into positive impact of divorce
I would never advise a woman to walk away and detest being put in that spot even if someone wants to hear it.
But honestly CB...the effects of an abusive or rocky marriage are devastating as well.
I am pro-divorce...yes...once you've exhausted ALL of your resources and tried to make it work and nothing is helping...go find happiness so you can be a good parents for your kids. Don't let them see you miserable...they can see misery and unhappiness and are smarter than we think. They absorb their surroundings like sponges and nothing escapes their attention. If that means gritting your teeth, moving on, healing yourself and bringing your attention back to what's important in life...so be it.
It is. That is why we are all here sharing our life experiences. Otherwise everyone would be saying the same thing. I think from the 2 threads on this subject we have confirmed that no two experiences are the same. The one thing that's common with us is that we see everything in the light of our own experiences.
definitely, i think it reiterates khatti's point about no solution being a "one size fits all" type.
-Your children are gonna grow up learning some tough life lessons and that is how they'll know how to handle life. So you staying in a bad marriage is really doing them no good. You can't baby them all your life...and it's better that they learn how to handle things..instead of staying in bad situations and staying silent. I don't get it...they have to "grow up" and face situations...I'm sure they'd rather learn one truth and accept it (that parents aren't together) than to see them fight and and scar his/her personality for life.
-No one is saying get divorced...the answers seem extreme because they are responses to specific situations...I think for the most part we're saying...divorce is a last option and here's why it could work
Some posters mentioned the positive impact of parents divorce on them , this made me think a lot actually.
**A major belief , based on studies and research is that a broken family can impact drastically on the development of kids involved in that relationship. **Is that true? is that a stereotype? why do people continue to believe this if this only happens to minority and not the majority?
True but shouldn't the effects of the alternative of staying in a bad marriage also be considered at the** same** time?
Divorce is 'worse' than a marriage which is working of course but in my mind it's still 'better' than a marriage which isn't working and has broken down..
The latter can be just as damaging (if not more) to the kids imo..
Sorry to break up the estrogen fest here, but it's important to note that the degree to which the marriage is "not working" is important. I'm sure there are instances where parents aren't lovey dovey but are otherwise amicable and great with the kids. Should you divorce in that situation? You're probably more like roommates than lovers and I think that's the situation that everyone is saying should be worked on. Then again, others will argue that you only get one life and it's not worth wasting it on a loveless marriage.
Sorry to break up the estrogen fest here, but it's important to note that the degree to which the marriage is "not working" is important. I'm sure there are instances where parents aren't lovey dovey but are otherwise amicable and great with the kids. Should you divorce in that situation? You're probably more like roommates than lovers and I think that's the situation that everyone is saying should be worked on. Then again, others will argue that you only get one life and it's not worth wasting it on a loveless marriage.
Isn't it cool when both estrogen and testosterone come to the same conclusion?
Sorry to break up the estrogen fest here, but it's important to note that the degree to which the marriage is "not working" is important. I'm sure there are instances where parents aren't lovey dovey but are otherwise amicable and great with the kids. Should you divorce in that situation? You're probably more like roommates than lovers and I think that's the situation that everyone is saying should be worked on. Then again, others will argue that you only get one life and it's not worth wasting it on a loveless marriage.
That's the thing, im replying on the basis that once all is said and done.. what's the next step. We're assuming that there is no point of reconciliation and hence all the splitting talk. Living like roommates is no way to spend the whole of your life in any case.
Sorry to break up the estrogen fest here, but it's important to note that the degree to which the marriage is "not working" is important. I'm sure there are instances where parents aren't lovey dovey but are otherwise amicable and great with the kids. Should you divorce in that situation? You're probably more like roommates than lovers and I think that's the situation that everyone is saying should be worked on. Then again, others will argue that you only get one life and it's not worth wasting it on a loveless marriage.
I personally wouldn't stay in a loveless marriage but that's just me.. I don't mean him not being 'lovey dovey', I mean if he doesn't find me attractive in any shape or form (in terms of looks or character) or we aren't sleeping together.. I know of a few couples who've ended up leading totally separate lives once their kids have gone to uni or left home.. they eat and sleep separately, they only talk to each other if they need something.. I wouldn't stay in a marriage like that..
Sorry to break up the estrogen fest here, but it's important to note that the degree to which the marriage is "not working" is important. I'm sure there are instances where parents aren't lovey dovey but are otherwise amicable and great with the kids. Should you divorce in that situation? You're probably more like roommates than lovers and I think that's the situation that everyone is saying should be worked on. Then again, others will argue that you only get one life and it's not worth wasting it on a loveless marriage.
Perhaps if you'd read the thread you wouldn't even have to type up this post ; )
I would like to add that in essence not giving up on a marriage can give a unique type of positive learning lesson to kids. Of course it can go the other way too, but not giving up on a relationship can teach them to "leave no man behind" when it comes to family.
This !
Sweefie, Deme has said what I couldnt put in better words ..
and I think I might also be confusing two things , so I am going to sit back and absorb first and try to see you guys perspective and try and separate the two states of mind , that are being discussed here ..
I would like to add that in essence not giving up on a marriage can give a unique type of positive learning lesson to kids. Of course it can go the other way too, but not giving up on a relationship can teach them to "leave no man behind" when it comes to family.
Excellent point Dem!! Well said.
The problem arises when a child sees either parent give up their lives to make it work and learns that this is what marriage should be like. Such a child may never learn that there should be limits.....such a child will often go on to accept abuse in their own marital relationship. As long as this can be prevented, the never give up attitude is a positive lesson to learn.
Khatti’s point: good parents but keep tension to a minimum, i.e. roommates who fight
My point: good parents, but “boring” marriage or people who have grown apart, i.e. roommates who DON’T fight. If you are in a passable marriage but could be happier, should you divorce?
My point: good parents, but "boring" marriage or people who have grown apart, i.e. roommates who DON'T fight. If you are in a passable marriage but could be happier, should you divorce?
I guess this totally depends on the kind of person you are.
Are you satisfied with "passable" or do you seek something better for yourself?
Are you willing to suffer the circumstances of either?
I guess this totally depends on the kind of person you are.
Are you satisfied with "passable" or do you seek something better for yourself?
Are you willing to suffer the circumstances of either?
And that was my point, it depends on the person. I think most of us agree that staying in a marriage that has a lot of arguments is unhealthy but I think that staying in an average marriage with minimal arguments, where both people are good parents, might be a sacrifice worth making. You may learn to love each other. On the other hand, if someone divorced in that instance I wouldn't blame them either.
