Effects of a broken relationship on children.

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

yes.

also, i’m just not sure why a lot of members here jump to the conclusion that those who condone divorce as a last resort are pro-divorce in general. i think i’ve lost track of the times i’ve heard people on here say that if all else fails (meaning they’ve explored all avenues) THEN consider divorcing. also like i said in the previous thread, if the overall atmosphere and attitude towards divorce is a positive one where there’s no snarkiness, or bitterness then it will not have as negative of an impact on the child. younger children are easily adaptable, so if you make it out to be something positive, they won’t dwell on the negative aspect of seeing mum and dad split too much. i also said, if it’s possible to keep civil and maybe plan some days out with your ex and your child then even better as it shows that despite your marital differences, you can pull together for the sake of the child. to me, that is a much better option than going through a possibly loveless marriage ALL in the name of the child. why sacrifice so much unnecessarily when you can enjoy the advantages of having a happy child without the disadvantage of an unhappy marriage?

it’s very noble to say that you will sacrifice all your happiness for your child, even if it means staying in a marriage that isn’t really a marriage. but as philosophy put it in the previous thread, nobody will remember that sacrifice, nor is it necessary if you can both provide for the child in your own way and be civil. you never know how a child will turn out once he is an adult, but one way he could view this situation is that perhaps he should appreciate his parents for staying together for him, but also that maybe it wasn’t needed if it meant they were happier apart.

i think it’s a bit of a desi taboo to say “i want to be happy in my marriage”, no? :hehe:

22

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

Pretty much what Khattichic already said. If you think you can create a healthy environment for your child with a partner you think is horrible, then I guess that’s the way for you.

May I ask, if you know a partner is horrible but a great parent, why can’t he/she still be a great parent but not ones partner? Is it because we must preserve the ideal family picture of mummy and daddy together or is it because we don’t want to answer any questions from the child or anyone else?

You think so :hehe:

23

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

Or a bigger desi taboo to be gasp single and happy :hehe:

24

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

More likely ke don't want kid to have to answer any questions. Where one lives and where kids grow up has a huge effect on how divorce plays out for them

25

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

Dems, I don't doubt that reservation for one second. We all want to do right by our kids and I know that there are too many factors to take into consideration. I have just never been one to care two hoots about "log kya kahengay" and all that jazz because I've seen and experienced first hand that nobody gives a rats a$$ when push comes to shove and those same "log"/society/samaj we get so concerned about are never around when you need them.

Like Aaze & sweefs have said, children are extremely resilient and they take their cues from their parents. If the parents split in a civilized manner and both continue to provide a safe haven for the child, then it can work out okay.

26

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

:smiley:

27

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

I agree it doesn't make them any better than those who chose to divorce. My entire argument as far as this topic goes is nothing against those who chose either way. It is all personal choice. But just to present that I come from a conventional school of thought which believes that an integral family unit where the kids are not exposed to any overt negativity between the parents is in my mind better than a unit where the parents are separated in the society I live in anyway. And beyond that I believe that divorce does cast a slight stigma on the children labeling them "children from a broken home" and I would prefer to save a child from that if possible.

mwah!

28

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

I give a lot of weight to your opinion Khats, cos I know you are worth your salt in this regard :) (and most others you advise on!)
I guess it is a tossup for me between how well you can arm your kids, and how horrid the world is towards that situation the kids get into on your account.
In essence, the same applies to weight and rishtas. We all would love to arm kids with self esteem regardless of physical appearance, and yet when that time comes, it helps if they don't fall prey to BMI>30 as the ideals you armed them with aren't going to stop this dunya from hurting and rejecting them. And it is all well to say that we can do without such dunya lekin we know of so many cases close to each of our hearts of such antics of dunya hurting even the strongest among us. Kindof a hazy example I admit but if you wat to understand what I am saying I know you will, my brain is fried today.
apologies please noone bite me!

29

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

For kids its not important if they share the same DNA with a person or not , but what matters is to have a father or mother figure in their life . It can be grand parents or may be next man/woman in your life . So if first time you made a mistake by marrying the wrong person, don't make that mistake again . Find someone who can be a parent to your kids .

30

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

Nami, there arent a lot of people in this world that we can trust our child with. Seen too much nasty stuff happening , more of nasty stuff as compared to the good stuff. Hence why its easier said then done , when its said , find a better parent for your child then their own parent. No one can be a better parent then their own. exceptions are there , but they are few and far between

31

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

At least from guy's point of view, by father figure I mean, a mamu, a chachu, a cousin, a teacher, uncle, dada, nana, taya etc etc. Any male figure who can lead them to the right direction and can support it with a good personality .

32

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

If you wake up every morning, and wonder why you even bothered waking up, why you're alive, only to remember you have to live for the sake of your kids, then it's not worth it. You're not doing anyone any favors by staying in the marriage. We as adults get immune to things, we tend to ignore every single itty bitty thing, because there are "bigger" things to worry about. But kids don't. By their nature kids are observers. They see everything. They pick up on everything, even if they can't express it. And the emotional and psychological impact they have by seeing their parents unhappy stays with them for the rest of their lives, even if they don't know it. I don't think any parent wants their kids to grow up with some kind of complexes, some kind of "kammi" in their lives. If it's not worth it, if you're trying to hold on to threads just to shelter your kids from the unknown, is it worth it?

The world doesn't care. It doesn't care if you stay in a marriage, and it doesn't care if you don't. The world's going to crap on you whatever chance it gets. So you have to pick 1 thing. You have to pick your children, or you have to pick the world. I think any sane person will pick their children. Then that means you can't give a rat's ass to what the world's going to think. If we stop caring about the world then the world stops paying attention to us. That's the harsh truth. If we don't change our thinking then how do we expect to teach our kids the best, how do we expect our kids to grow up to be strong individuals?

33

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

I think its appearing too pro-divorce because we tend to neglect the effort of people when they they still working out hard , tiring themselves out , they want empathy at that stage rather then being told , divorce is the best way forward or that its ok to divorce.

It might only just be my observation, but since this whole topic started I have hardly seen any posts condoning or encouraging a woman's will to work at her marriage. It has been clearly classed that there is a section of people who are there somewhere in the middle, I believe most people are lurking in the middle , they are tired, they need a moral boost, they need to know they are right in trying to make an effort. But that is hardly being said. Where as in real life, you get encouraged for trying to make an effort to save your marriage.

Also having said this, I feel when its really time for divorce, a voice from within tells you , its time to break free. For some people it comes early on, for others , it comes later. But those who stay resilient in trying out all their options before heading the divorce way are actually showing greater strength of all of their abilities.

One of my ex bosses is an extremely successful entrepreneur in the UK and she once gave this example, a very difficult client who you cant seem to crack, is like a troubled marriage. you give up without trying the hardest you can, you lose the honey. you remain resilient and put effort into it, it might just pay at some time. If all fails , you could always walk away with your head held high, coz not only you, but everyone involved knows be then , that you gave your best shot, tried all you could. they will always respect you for that.

34

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

Doesnt work. From a guy's perspective you need a father. All others cant be your father and cant care for you how a father cares. (Reference: Personal experience)

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Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

I understand you completely, I really do. More so because I have lived through exactly what you're fearing...you don't think I grew up hearing thaanay and people questioning if I would make a good wife/bahu from potential rishtas and community waalay? My parents divorced in the 80's when it was pretty much unheard of in a Muslim Indo/Pak family. And guess what, I have mashallah mashallah the most stable and loving marriage a person could ever dream of while those same upright decent and moral families' daughters are divorced and/or living out of wedlock with American men....so you tell me, what is the guarantee? Nothing at all my dear, nothing at all. My parents divorce has ZERO baring on me getting good quality rishtas or having a decent life/marriage myself.

I may come off to be screaming liberal to you all, but those who really know me, know that couldn't be further from the truth. I just have an open mind and do not bind myself to rigid views of how things **have **to be.

When it comes to my family I'm as conservative and traditional as they come. I CHOSE to pursue a career that would allow me to work from home and around my kids schedules and needs because that was the most important thing to me. I CHOSE to leave most decision making about finances etc to my husband because after being raised primarily by a single mom, I didn't want any burdens or distractions taking me away from what is most important...my husband and kids. And yes, my husband factors into this the most. We're not perfect...we've had issues and problems like everyone, some quite big, but we sought counseling and worked through them together because at the end of the day, I can't imagine not waking up to see his face everyday.

I don't believe in creating a utopian bubble to surround my kids in. That's all I'm trying to point out. Don't get so lost and caught up in being the "perfect parent" and shielding your kids from any and every pitfall life may throw at them...at the end of the day it may do more harm then good. (General comment not meaning anyone in particular!!)

36

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

I think it's a bit unfair to say that. I don't think anyone is condoning straight up divorce. I think we are all assuming that before the topic of divorce is even broached or thought of, people have sought out every single help they possibly can. They've worked on it as much as they can. Keeping that assumption in mind, ie people have done whatever possible they can to keep their marriage, the posters are now replying what impact can happen on kids if that big step is taken.

37

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

so much amazing insight!!!
great contributions and opinions people!

CB…I can categorically say that there is nobody here that will condone walking away from a marriage without haven’t done everything in your power to make it work.
By the same token, divorce should never be considered the easy way out because it isn’t. Just as staying in the marriage and doing your best to keep it together requires hard work, sacrifice and dedication, so too does living separately and providing the same quality of parenting for the child(ren).

Perhaps the reason you are not seeing arguments in support of working it out is because the subject matter of the thread is geared towards splitting up…

38

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

Had to quote and like this. You can't raise a sheltered child. You aren't doing your children any favor by hiding them from the world. Because as soon as you let go of them, and that starts from the moment you send that child to school (or day care), they will be unprepared as to how to deal with situations life will throw at them again and again and again. And parents shouldn't pretend to be perfect either. Because there comes a day when the kid realizes that their parents aren't perfect, and that realization hits the hardest and impacts them the most.

39

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

In my situation, my Mamoos were more of a father to me than my papa ever was. I don't know what it was like to be a "daddy's girl" growing up but I do know the most important life lessons I ever learned, my confidence, my personal growth, my love for sports ...I owe it all to my Mamoos.

I love my papa dearly and there is not a day that goes by that I don't miss him and wish he
was here, but frankly, he wasn't a big influence on me or in my life until I had already passed through my teens and became an adult.

40

Re: Effects of a broken relationship on children.

this again, is subjective. parental type figures exist in some families and in others, they don't. my reference is also personal experience, but it is also understanding other people's personal experience. i can't paint all father figures with the same brush stroke just because mine has been a negative/positive experience.

CB, i really don't know what you want us to say about condoning women to work at their marriage. did you expect a list of all the ways one can try before they quit? we've all said it's a last resort, explore all other avenues etc etc. i mean do you want a break down of these avenues? i'm not sure.