Dupatta/Hijab

yeh sab batein to bohat pehle decide hona hoteen hain.For example if they wanted a hijaabi gal they should have searched for someone like that in the very beginning and were not supposed to get a girl engaged with their son and then ask her to cover up forcefully.

Im not saying one should not cover their head,since i myself observe hijaab..But there is always a right way to ask for everything.DD Its upto you how do you want it.I know k zid ho jati hai agar koi kisi baat k liay force kerne lage,and since this is a major decision of life,you should ask guidance from Allah for it.And i would advice you to talk about this whole issue with your parents.May be they can give u a good advice.

I really dont wanna comment about this hair issue.Its really absurd.Pata nahin laug aisi farmaishein kese ker lete hain!! It was a totally different matter if your fiance’ wud have aksed you personally but his mother!!

Anyway Good luck :k:

It's the hair they want you to change today - what will they want you to change tomorrow? And next week? And next year?

Read the whole thread..and replies..

When things are forced..we as a human become more repulsive towards the issue..all i would say that DD do what your heart tells you to do :)

Now going back to the original question:

it doesn't apply to me..coz i wear dupatta and or hijab when i go out..and since i come from a family which has a different mind set as compared to mine..it was something hard for me to do..everyone condemned me for it..including some of my immediate family members. I just feel that no one around me understands me. But i followed my heart..I heard some very interesting comments even at time of my nikkah from both sides..mine and his. So, if i flip your question to: will i take it off if my family members..or his family members asked me too..i will never listen to anyone..coz its part of who i am.

So, DD..once again..just do what you feel like..and your natural hair looks great :)

Nadia_H babes, awww, so sweet of you to big up my curly locks sooo much hehe. Sis, i don’t understand why they want me to have straight hair either. My bhabi, conniving as she is, was doing mirchay saying ke ’ i told her so many times…’ when she never has really. The worst thing is if it SUITED me, if i looked a whole load better in straighter hair then of course i wouldn’t mind straightening it. Afterall a person will always do/wear what they look best in. But i look hideous. I should post a pic of when i have straight hair :hehe: A before and after version and you would all agree for sure…my friends even told me curly hair is ME, and straight hair just doesn’t blend well. I guess MIL prefers straight hair, she believes it is ‘better’ than curly hair and so she wants me to straighten mine…so freaky na? Her daughter has wavy hair and even had it permed once ??? Sheeesh…

And Nadia you hit the nail on the head. THEIR bossing about is the problem not the actual wearing a duppatta.

funguy, you’ll make a fab husband. She’ll be a lucky woman.

Faisal bhai jaani, seriously that is EXACTLY what has been running through my mind. They have been nitpicking since like ever. My qameez was apparently too short on Eid, and since i wore it with trousers it was begerati !! hehehe. I mean fiances sisters have gone through a transition from being western teeny boppers to mature Islam abiding girls who now wear jilbabs and profess their love for Islam and Islam only. I find it fantastic but i they are trying to make me become like their daughters/his sisters so that i can fit in the family. How absurd is that? They can see me, have seen me before proposals etc and if they could forsee problems then they shouldn’t have gone ahead with it na.

Rhia, i guess that’s the problem. I know what is happening, will happen and i know i will remain passive. Reason being there is family involved and secondly i am not one to cause a ruckus where i know there are real consequences involved - i just don’t have the bottle.

The Grateful Dead, i am not rigid in not wearing a duppata. I told my fiance that i am prepared to do so. I’m not a stubborn person at all and i don’t mind wearing a duppata, it’s not as if i’m losing anything. The reason for me opening this thread though was different. I have time before marriage and i just want to relax and lap up my single days and live it as i want. So for everyone to barge in prematurely and order me around scares me because i know i am a submissive person and if this is what they are doing NOW then god help me later. As of yet i’m not married so until i do get married they have no right to boss me about right? Why should they be threatening to tell MY dad about me not wearing a duppata?

And about compromise. I guess i don’t even know what marriage is all about so let’s hope that i grow up quick before the big day otherwise me and him will be blackmailing each other all our lives ; )

Mehnaz babes, i’d be very tempted to be more assertive if the repurcussions on my parents weren’t as bleak. I wouldn’t want to hurt my parents in a million years so although there’s always a niggling urge to say tata byebye i had enough…i couldn’t. But thanx for the advice babes, you rock :kiss:

to be cont..

DD check ur pm chanda :)

hey pm me as well :mad:

Marriage, yes majority of the times is a compromise.

Disco Duck,

As of yet i’m not married so until i do get married they have no right to boss me about right? Why should they be threatening to tell MY dad about me not wearing a duppata?


Exactly my mums point. Until our daughter is in our house, nobody has the right to dictate anything and for the first time in my life I saw my ammi saying such a thing right there and then… however, then she says ( to which my extended family much to my surprise and satisfaction got annoyed) that once she is at your place you can ask her to do whatever you want, dress her up like the way you desire, make her do what your wish is :smiley:

Khair, the point is when they know everything beforehand than why do they intentionally go for such a girl. All power to you. You are making a huge sacrifice for your parents. Bless You my child :blush:

Mehnaz and Faisal Bhai, they have raised very important points; however, sometimes and at times the situation is such that one is helpless. I would just say try to talk it out with your parents and see what they have to say about all this. :slight_smile: Just see what your mother has to say regarding their behavior…

why :confused:

DD.. u have lovely hair! do not change em.. n if everyone starts to bug u alot.. i say go bald! show em what u can do :hoonh: (plz dont do that.. j/k).

DD how come i havent seen ur hair?:crying: how come everyone else has?:crying:when r u sending me the pic?:crying:

Rani/Nia/Gadha/afshan,i gather where you guys are coming from and it’s not like i find the hijab a terrible thing at all. In fact i find it beautiful and think women look fabulous in it. However like you guys, and other more abiding muslims have discovered Islam, it’s teachings, gone through your own journeys and fallen for the beauty of the religion, i too want to do that. I too want to one day wear a hijab with pride and passion NOT with regret and resentment. I know the ‘day’ may be years away yet, but i want to do with all my heart when i do. I don’t want to wear it cuz im scared saas will yell at me :hehe: U get me na?

Umer/714/dexxy, glad to know you understand where m coming from :flower1:

Qrius, hmmm, your family don’t like you wear hijab?!?!?! I mean your extended family and you’ve been fighting to wear it ?!?!?!?!?!?!

mehroo, babes, checked and replied :slight_smile:

losty, when are you getting married? Me and you need to get together and have a huge sl@gging session hehe.

punjabi, only if you tell me where you disappeared to for so long :stuck_out_tongue:

DD, my family said 'no'. Though for quite some time I feared they would patch up but well no more... :) So , there is nothing like that in the offing. :-D

But, you are most welcome to come over for a cup of tea, lunch or else dinner. Meray hath ka khana khain, hehe, experiment karoon ge aap par.

´same here :frowning:

/\
same here

Lots of interesting comments. Good discussion.

I think the root of these requests goes far beyond the choice of clothes or hairstyle.

Beying obliged to conform to certain ideas may make your inlaws feel that they are being respected but honestly, would you want that from someone else? Is that true respect or love?

Many times I have thought that the things my inlaws saw and liked in me were part of me just as the things they didn't like. They are also interchangeable to a certain extent. For instance I can't be well read on certain subjects without spending time on the computer. You want the first then you have to take the other.

But there was part of me that I realised after a certain number of years that I risked losing, that was my self respect. I was really unhappy about doing things that I couldn't accept deep down inside (I'm not talking about hijab, they never asked me and I would never have done it) because it didn't go down well with my values (like intellectual honesty). I felt like I was developing a split personality because I couldn't say some things in front of them so I just started avoiding them. I realised that they were unable to accept me for what I really am and I'm sorry because I think the person I am is better than the one they want me to be.

There comes a time in your life when you need to look at yourself and see if what you say and do is a reflection of your own true values, how this is true, and whether the compromises you have to make for others happiness are actually making them - and you - happier. Brutal honesty and courage are sometimes necessary.

Remember some compromises you are willing to make when you are young and in love don't seem heavy. Time may make them easier to accept but it may also have the opposite effect. Meditate before you take the plunge.

Afia, mehroo and punjabi darlings, how would you like yours :p Email?PM? pm me and let me know..and then can trade aham aham :p

Shirin, that was extremely refreshing to read and thought provoking. I really appreciate it babes.

Can i just ask a quick Q in regards to..

'I realised that they were unable to accept me for what I really am and I'm sorry because I think the person I am is better than the one they want me to be.'

I reckon that too ;) But can you tell me how did you challenge them or make them realise they were not exactly helpful etc..

lost, so you got away with it huh :disgust: i’m not soo lucky..

khair, on a lighter note, the slagging session was us ‘talking’ only..i didn’t mention me eating your cooked whatevers…tell me something, did you cook for your in-laws when they came over etc?? you sure they didn’t run for their own health … hehe.

Shirin,
Brutal honesty and courage are sometimes necessary.


Ah! so very true, beautiful. I did just that. However, I have yet to face the consequences. Whether good or bad, thats my luck... :-)

THE QUESTION OF HIJAB: SUPPRESSION OR LIBERATION?
“Why do Muslim women have to cover their heads?” This question is one which is asked by Muslim and non-Muslim alike. For many women it is the truest test of being a Muslim.

The answer to the question is very simple - Muslim women observe HIJAB (covering the head and the body) because Allah has told them to do so.

“O Prophet, tell your wives and daughters and the believing women to draw their outer garments around them (when they go out or are among men). That is better in order that they may be known (to be Muslims) and not annoyed…” (Qur’an 33:59)

Other secondary reasons include the requirement for modesty in both men and women. Both will then be evaluated for intelligence and skills instead of looks and sexuality. An Iranian school girl is quoted as saying, “We want to stop men from treating us like sex objects, as they have always done. We want them to ignore our appearance and to be attentive to our personalities and mind. We want them to take us seriously and treat us as equals and not just chase us around for our bodies and physical looks.”

A Muslim woman who covers her head is making a statement about her identity. Anyone who sees her will know that she is a Muslim and has a good moral character. Many Muslim women who cover are filled with dignity and self esteem; they are pleased to be identified as a Muslim woman. As a chaste, modest, pure woman, she does not want her sexuality to enter into interactions with men in the smallest degree. A woman who covers herself is concealing her sexuality but allowing her femininity to be brought out.
The question of hijab for Muslim women has been a controversy for centuries and will probably continue for many more. Some learned people do not consider the subject open to discussion and consider that covering the face is required, while a majority are of the opinion that it is not required. A middle line position is taken by some who claim that the instructions are vague and open to individual discretion depending on the situation. The wives of the Prophet (S) were required to cover their faces so that men would not think of them in sexual terms since they were the “Mothers of the Believers,” but this requirement was not extended to other women.

The word “hijab” comes from the Arabic word “hajaba” meaning to hide from view or conceal. In the present time, the context of hijab is the modest covering of a Muslim woman. The question now is what is the extent of the covering? The Qur’an says:

“Say to the believing man that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; that will make for greater purity for them; and Allah is well acquainted with all that they do. And say to the believing women that they should lower their gaze and guard their modesty; and that they should not display their beauty and ornaments except what must ordinarily appear thereof; that they should draw their veils over their bosoms and not display their beauty except to their husbands…” (Qur’an 24:30-31)

These verses from the Qur’an contain two main injunctions:

A woman should not show her beauty or adornments except what appears by uncontrolled factors such as the wind blowing her clothes, and the head covers should be drawn so as to cover the hair, the neck and the bosom.

Islam has no fixed standard as to the style of dress or type of clothing that Muslims must wear. However, some requirements must be met. The first of these requirements is the parts of the body which must be covered. Islam has two sources for guidance and rulings: first, the Qur’an, the revealed word of Allah and secondly, the Hadith or the traditions of the Prophet Muhammad (S) who was chosen by Allah to be the role model for mankind.

The following is a Tradition of the Prophet:
“Ayesha (R) reported that Asmaa the daughter of Abu Bakr (R) came to the Messenger of Allah (S) while wearing thin clothing. He approached her and said: 'O Asmaa! When a girl reaches the menstrual age, it is not proper that anything should remain exposed except this and this. He pointed to the face and hands.” (Abu Dawood)

The second requirement is looseness. The clothing must be loose enough so as not to describe the shape of the woman’s body. One desirable way to hide the shape of the body is to wear a cloak over other clothes. However, if the clothing is loose enough, an outer garment is not necessary. Thickness is the third requirement. The clothing must be thick enough so as not to show the color of the skin it covers or the shape of the body. The Prophet Muhammad (S) stated that in later generations of his ummah there would be “women who would be dressed but naked and on top of their heads (what looks like) camel humps. Curse them for they are truly cursed.” (Muslim) Another requirement is an over-all dignified appearance. The clothing should not attract men’s attention to the woman. It should not be shiny and flashy so that everyone notices the dress and the woman. In addition there are other requirements:

Women must not dress so as to appear as men.
“Ibn Abbas narrated: ‘The Prophet (S) cursed the men who appear like women and the women who appear like men.’” (Bukhari)

Women should not dress in a way similar to the unbelievers.
The clothing should be modest, not excessively fancy and also not excessively ragged to gain others admiration or sympathy.
Often forgotten is the fact that modern Western dress is a new invention. Looking at the clothing of women as recently as seventy years ago, we see clothing similar to hijab. These active and hard-working women of the West were not inhibited by their clothing which consisted of long, full dresses and various types of head covering. Muslim women who wear hijab do not find it impractical or interfering with their activities in all levels and walks of life. Hijab is not merely a covering dress but more importantly, it is behavior, manners, speech and appearance in public. Dress is only one facet of the total being. The basic requirement of the Muslim woman’s dress apply to the Muslim man’s clothing with the difference being mainly in degree. Modesty requires that the area between the navel and the knee be covered in front of all people except the wife. The clothing of men should not be like the dress of women, nor should it be tight or provocative. A Muslim should dress to show his identity as a Muslim. Men are not allowed to wear gold or silk. However, both are allowed for women.

For both men and women, clothing requirements are not meant to be a restriction but rather a way in which society will function in a proper, Islamic manner.

Mary C. Ali

http://www.usc.edu/dept/MSA/humanrelations/womeninislam/whatishijab.html

The Institute of Islamic Information and Education
P.O. Box 41129
Chicago, Illinois 60641-0129 U.S.A.
Tel. (312) 777-7443
Fax. (312) 777-7199

yes i get you:)

few questions that are confusing me?

if we know some thing is right, should we wait till we find out if it is really right?

Do we really know that ALLAH has given us that much time to discover something on our own when it is already told to do it? and will we live for that long to practice a right thing.. may be we will never get a chance if we don’t do it now? right? agreed?