Fungee
“However, things are changing and the open-minded Pakistani man is interested in a partner who is more than just a door-mat.”
good to know that. However, if this ‘man’ could be replaced by ‘men’…
The thing is that these people would want just you and you alone …once you are married, engaged to their son they are back to square one thinking of the girls as their property. The funnny aspect is that, now they don’t want a really young girl, a delicate darling, a simple one;yet they want all that an eduacated, smart, mature one BUT here lies the contradiction. When you bring an educated girl she would be conscious of her surroundings, she must be having an opinion regarding certain issues, in short she is aware of her own good.
But the paradox emerges where they want all the above and yet they want her to follow their commands. ( if they are resonable, our parents would still say obey them and frankly we are not brought up to start a tu tu main main kind of stuff with anyone.)
I believe that the girls parents in our culture are also to be blamed for this. To an extent you are right, Fun. But see our social setup is such that they are left with little and often no option and hence end up acquiescing to whatever wrong they see. I believe this happens in most of the arranged marriages and the generally subdued and humble attitude of the girls parents is taken for granted.
I think if my family would not have taken a stand or of it doesnot take a stand I would face the same situation. Thankfully, they are, however as I mentioned before our social set up is such that one is left with not much of a choice. Or even if one has a choice, there is no gurantee that the other people would not raise such petty issues. I think this passimistic view ‘as to what next, or will there be anybody better than this or more enlightened’ is ingrained in our society now.
Faisal, pata naheen kis dunya main rehtay ho.
However, not all men are like that. I have seen many fine men also who care less about all these petty issues. So no sweat. We can’t make generalizations also BUt when it happens with almost everybody around us then we tend to think like that.
If you wear hijab, you are supposed to it for Allah (SWT) not anyone else.
My father wanted me to do it, and I refused b/c if I am going to do it for God or noone. I wouldn’t just do it because my in-laws wanted me too. That would just piss me off more. Call it childish call it immature tell me i’m dheit-I don’t care. To me hijab is a very personal thing, and you shouldn’t be doing it for others.
As for your hair not being straight enough, what kind of bull**** is that?? Why not just send you to a plastic surgeon? I am sure they have a few more aspects of you that they would like to change
Baji do what you want to do. There is no need to get rude about it. Just patiently explain how you feel.
I just wanted to say that I am soooooooo jealous of ur curly hair.Honestly you have lovely hair!
My sis and I have the total opposte hair. Me very straight and silky and baji has the curliest curls. I love her hair but she tends to get them straightened every once in a while (parties and stuff) and I am always like please dont do it, it looks soo lovely. Anywayz She has long hair and when they’re straightened they look even longer.So all the aunties are like, wow iske baal kitne pyaare lagte haiN seedhe seedhe WHY can’t they just shut up!! Abb uske deemaagh mai bhie ye baat attak gayee that straight hair looks better *sigh (sorry am getting a lil frustrated) To make a long story short:
Curls zindaaaaaabaaaad :k: :k:
And a biiiiiiiiiiiiiig HUG for you :~)
As for the hijab,
It’s a VERY private thing.It should not be ‘forced’ by anyone!
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*Originally posted by funguy: *
My heart cries reading stories from hell of girls like DD. No offence DD, but you are a prime example of a daughter whose parents are committing a crime by forcing you into this marriage. The rest of my post is not about DD.
There is this big ploy by most Pakistani parents. They raise the daughter in such a way that she is easily manipulated and "moulded" by her future in-laws. They do so by not emphasizing on the importance of professional education (High School or A-levels don't count in today's world). As a matter of fact some parents discourage their daughters from becoming too educated. They fear it would be hard to find a son-in-law who is more qualified than her.
The sad fact is that parents don't realize that this "baitee" who they consider a "Bhoj" can be so much joy if she becomes a little independent. Giving a little freedom and authority to girls can make their lives so much meningful. But there is no place for such girls in our screwed up culture. However, things are changing and the open-minded Pakistani man is interested in a partner who is more than just a door-mat.
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I think you would be a prime candidate if we ever had a desi version of The Bachelor. You certainly have it going on! :) (meaning intelligent and open-minded .... at least online). I would vote for you! :)
Bharysh, i think it's cute if your hubby wants you to wear it. And plus i'm making a deal with him..if i have wear hijab then he has cope with certain other things he doesn't like. It's all about compromise after all ..
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DD,
I am of the view that no one should be forced into doing anything they do not want. However if both parties hold their positions sacred then there should always be other options, like them finding another girl and you finding another man. If you are rigid in not wearing a do-patta and they strictly want you to do so, I guess now is the time to pull out.
I, however, do not agree with the way you understand compromise. When you start putting conditions it is more like blackmail. Compromise is doing something on your own because you want to save the relationship.
wish u the best of luck in ur married life lost soul ji
DD
yes some saas r villanous…i mean we hear of saas’s burning their daughters in law in stove fires etc too in the newspapers…
but not all r bad…some r very good and ofcourse maan toh maan hoti hae and is irreplaceable but they come close…i have seen some who r very nice…i think my own mother will make a very ideal saas for my bhabis [inshallah]…and my nani was one of the most ideal saas…she was the kindest soul in the world and never in my life did i see her toking her bahoos…my dadi is a very good saas…my momani is also a very good saas…
my khala has some problems with her bahoo’s sometimes but she loves them to bits…and they love her too…despite everything kabhee baat aa jaati hay toh un ko defend kerne ke lyay foran khari ho jati haen…and when she was in the hospital her bahus did a lot for her…
i feel like its a very sensitive relationship but can be kept very nicely if there is compromise and the will to keep it nice from both sides…i know its difficult but this is the case with all relationships…
remember one thing ke jinna gur paaso, unna mittha hosi…the more u put in something the more u will get back…if u compromise more the more u will derive back from the relationship…
a big factor in the saas bahu relationship is also the son…if he is respectful and understanding to both parties and plays the role of a true man then the problems r khud ba khud minimised…
I have to agree with Faisal here. Its swell saying this happens and that happens in our culture but I think unless one is willing to take steps to change their own circumstance, there isn't much anybody else can do. While you are right to refuse to be moulded into something you are not and don't want to be, TALK to your in-laws and ask why they feel they want you to straigten u'r hair or wear hijab? I think lack of communication will only add to your frusturation and will increase your resentment after marriage if you leave it as it is. If nothing else from talking everyone will be clear about their expectations and then you or they can happily move on if you can't compromise. Just don't take it passively.
a big factor in the saas bahu relationship is also the son...if he is respectful and understanding to both parties and plays the role of a ** true man ** then the problems r khud ba khud minimised....
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This is exactly what I hinted at when I referred to the heejRa in general thread. The girls should be smart enough to make the right selection, when finding their men. If he can't keep a balance it is his fault. If their man has to live seperately from his parents to resolve the issues then he is not able to perform the balancing act.
when i read ur post in general in that thread i got a different impression of the point u were trying to make…maybe thats why u r getting all the laanat malamat there as no one wants their future husband to be called that…
anyways, even the nicest and most fair minded guys sometimes find it dfficult to ‘keep a balance’ or ‘sort the matter out’…i’ve seen it happen to ppl i know well…its really tough…aik side pe maan doosri pe vooti…its tough…really tough…its understandable that once in a while the guy will take the side of one more than the other…so i wouldnt say that if the situation is bad b/w the saas n bahu it is the guy’s fault for not straightening it out…sometimes they make living with each other totally impossible…and the guy after all is only a third party, tho maana ke an important one…but he can only do so much…the will has to come from both of them to live peacefully and if thats essentially absent in either one then he really cannot do very much…
besides, u can only hope for the best but can’t predict the future, how r the girls to make sure that the guy they r going to marry will react perfectly in every situation? its not possible that he does anyway as human beings r not perfect and make mistakes…all the girls can do is just try to put forward their best in the situation and leave the rest upto Allah…
This post is about DD and the fact that her future in-laws are being totally unreasonable. 1. She has to straighten her hair cause they don’t like it curly; and 2. once it is straightened, she has to wear a hijab. What is the point of straightening your hair? Do you have any idea how long it takes to straighten hair … particularly long hair? My gosh! Tell your MIL that you would like to see her straighten her own hair before she starts telling you to change your look.
Anyway, I agree with Rhia. You can’t be completely passive. It’s one thing to tell you to do this and that … it is a complete other to tell you to change your physical look cause the MIL doesn’t fancy you the way you are. Again, who are you marrying? The guy or his mother?
You have to talk to your in-laws. I know you can’t do it directly, so have your parents talk to them and try and reason with them. Their demands are really superficial and completely unnecessary. Forcing you into a hijab won’t change your character.
I hope you maintain your independent spirit once you are married. Don’t become another subservient wife. I think that will crush you emotionally.
[QUOTE] Originally posted by *Disco~Duck: *
Would you wear it if your in-laws wanted you to, and that too, before marriage?Gimme reasons too, okiez?
AND
Would you wear it after marriage if your husband asked you to?
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pehli baat...i still wear hijaab...and i wud wanta marry in a family jo aurton ko parde mein rakhne ke haq mein hoon...so...for me...yeh koee baat nahi hai keh my husband or susraal wale kehein ke parda kero, hijaab pehno...etc...i wudn't mind!
besides...shadi hone ke baad...ur husband and susraal is like a part of ur zindagi, part of u, and thats where u have to spend all ur life...so...larkiyon ko wahi kerna chahiye jisme uska shoher our susraal wale khush hoon! offcourse u have some of ur khushiyaan...par....shadi keh baad to bohat saaari qurbaaniyaan dene ke liye larki ko tayyaar hona chahiye...besides..jo woh keh rahe hein..koee ghalat baat nahi hai..its for ur own good na...so...
ps: umm..i am kinda young for all that stuff...pehli baar is topic pe kuch baat ki hai...hehe...so this is just my opinion na!
dun no if its rite or wrong!
If a girl thinks that ALLAH and Rasool (SAW) want her to wear hijaab she should wear it and not other wise... it's not matter of some human being's wishes... it is one of many commands that must be understood and realized with heart!
Wallah-O-Alam!
straighting hairs: that's ridiculous.. if they are naturally curly, what is the problem?
i do cover my head when i go out in crowdy public places or in markets, i admit that i don't do it as regular as i should be but i always try my best, y u ppl r taking it in a wrong manner, mujhay to ye koi hurdle nahee lagta kisi bhi terhan say, bari bari educated ladkiun nai bhi hijab kiya hota hai ya head cover kiya hota hai. ya i don't believe in that forcing thing...thats not good ofcourse.
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*Originally posted by nia_khan: *
Why do girls/non hijaban think wearing hijab and dopatta is a terrible thing?
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It definitely is not a terrible thing at all. I have the deepest respect for the many, many Hijaabans around the world, most of all my own sister (Mashallah).
However the topic here is, whether it should be forced on them by their hubbies, daddies or whoever and that`s what I find wrong. The girl should be wearing the Hijab because of her own will and not due to pressure from her family.
What the issue is, is doing it for the right reasons. Hijab is a very personal issue. If you are going to do it you should be sure about it and you should be doing for God-not for your in-laws, or anyone else for that matter…
Irem thanks but its over thankfully.. :)
p.s: when are you visitng KArachi.
Umer, right on.
There is nothing wrong with wearing a hijab. However, it has to come from within, I mean that feeling. I would not mind wearing one either. But frankly speaking right now I don't think I would like to, AS I wear huge dupattas, cover my head when I go out and wear modest clothes. So, as far as I feel at ease with this style of mine, I don't think I need a change.
ohh…phir isi mein aap ke lyay behtri ho gi and the future must hold something much better inshallah
I’m permanently moving back to pak in july inshallah…will be in khi for some time and then in pindi…going on an all pak tour :biggrin: and then prolly back to khi or pindi not definite…
aaj kal aap khi mein haen? mere pyaray shehr ko mera salaam zaroor arz ker dena suna hay aaj kal bari zabardast garmi hae…
:
WHY can’t they just shut up!! Abb uske deemaagh mai bhie ye baat attak gayee that straight hair looks better *sigh (sorry am getting a lil frustrated) To make a long story short:
and the future must hold something much better inshallah