Re: Dowry for your kids
sorry for the double post.
P.S @Niksik, GTG's still can marry your daughter..it's sunnah to marry an older woman ;)
Re: Dowry for your kids
YOU never know kya hota hai 
. There are many awesome MILs to be on GS. I keep my eyes and ears open always 
!
Re: Dowry for your kids
Niks..mera barra wala namoona ko lay-a-way par rahklo…apna saara hyderabadi khaandani zevar betiya ko pehnaaloongi, aur kuch maang/shaang bhi nahin karongi…tlk bhaiya se kehdo… 
Re: Dowry for your kids
Haha I need to create a Nick for cuupycake so he can take the matter in his own hands..I m all for finding his own spouse..ok I sound like the mother who just gave birth n that’s all but I feel like since there is nothing very typical about our family so why make it so?
Khatti 
Re: Dowry for your kids
3 page thread in parenting 
I just wanted to get today’s generation’s perspective on dowry.
I came with a huge dowry - mom and dad called it gifts. It wasn’t asked for or expected but something they had collected overs years. Plates, spoons, lots of kitchen appliances, etc. (It had a lot do with the fact that mom thinks that I can’t tell a spoon from a fork 
)
“this is a rice cooker, you make rice in it”
I don’t even like the whole bari clothes / jaheez clothes concept. Doesn’t happen anywhere except in our culture. My friends thought it was cool that I got a whole new wardrobe just because I said " I do" but honestly it was a waste of money from both sides.
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If I don’t get to them first Niki.
Re: Dowry for your kids
my understanding on barri is this
its a must. on one hand you are saying you dont want jahez.. lets count clothes and jewellary has jahez too for a min
so no jahez. meaning the girl goes to the in laws house with not even a pin. just the clothes on her back
now if there were no barri either.. what exactly is the girl to wear once she gets outta teh barat outfit?
in my family... we do a whole lot for a barri cuz our understanding is... the girl is our responsibility once she signs the nikah papers. she MUST have everything to start her life at the in laws house. so our barri even includes a nightwear.. daywear..combs.. toothbrush etc. now its changed a whole lot with girls becoming more hands on where it concerns them plus couples wanting to do stuff together from teh get go... so teh toothbrush etc has been dropped .. :D but u guys get the pic
fi teh in laws are saying aap ki beti ab humari hui... well u better put money where your mouth is and show it.
this actually happened to a friend of mine .. the in laws said we wont no jahez at all.. its not done in our family.
so the girl's family did jack.. nothing other than jewellary for barat and the barat outfit. im not kidding you. NOTHING.
so the girl gets to the in laws house and asks for clothes to change into it. the mil gave her a blank look --- the girl had to wear her nand's clothes for the night and her chappals.
the couple went out first thing in the morning to buy her everything.
which brings me back to jahez ko manna sub kerthay hai... such nahi samajh na.
my thinking on this would be.. if i am saying to my future dil .. do not bring anything witn you... i dont want jahez... then you can bet your ass taht im gonna have my son make sure she has everything she needs to start her life in our home (or his home whichever) .. ahead of time. rest they can shop together etc.
That totally makes sense, but I still think barri is overdone (at least in our area) in terms of jewellery and expensive clothing, which arent necessarily something you absolute must have to begin a new life
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If u are speaking of dk... Its marerialistic diarrohea! Sickening.
Re: Dowry for your kids
I like this thread! Really enjoyed reading all of your views! :)
If and when I have kids, nope....they will not be getting any dowry or any type of overly expensive "gifts" at their wedding. Whether its a son or daughter, IF they decide to pay for their own wedding, then they will get whatever amount hubby and I can afford at tha time in cash to spend as they please. But if we're paying for the wedding, this "option" goes away.
If it's a son, I'd like to buy his wedding outfits and probably a nice watch that he can pass to his kids. If it's a daughter, I'd like to buy all her weddings outfits, and buy her nice jewelry for the wedding events (but reasonable jewelry she can wear often in the future). Beyond that, I don't plan on buying tons of "jahez" outfits, furniture, electronics etc. etc. etc. Absolutely no "gifts" for anyone else (well, I may buy new outfits for any other kids I may have!).
On a side note: This "dowry" practice where tons of clothes are given for the bride, and large household items are bought for the couples is not something that's practiced in my family anyway. It didn't happen with my parents, and so far hasn't happened with any of my cousins or me either. I'd prefer my kids find their own spouses. If by some miracle, we can up in an "arranged" situation, the very first mention of any "expectations" of material things by the other family will immedialy end ALL marriage talks for me.
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At this point, the only thing I am worried about is saving for my children. My SIL on the other hand buys gold jewellery... 3-5 sets every other year to give to her daughters. I don't agree with this. My whole planning is very different. I believe that I want to give my children the best education, so they can buy whatever they need or want on their own. My husband paid for our wedding, every single penny. I didn't get any jahiz whatsover.. just my mom's gold set and some kapray which I had from before .. just never worn. We started with nothing... not even a bed when I moved with him, today we have everything MA... and a very happy life. Personally I think all of this jahiz concept is pretty stupid, in today's world you need good education and tarbeyat and for that I am going to save and spend money on my kids. The more we give, the more the other side wants... that's what I've observed so why even start soemthing that has a horrible end.
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what I don't get is, why is it one or the other? Good Education or Gold/Jahaiz for their wedding?
If you can afford it, why not give both?
Re: Dowry for your kids
Thats what im thinking too?
I person would be very stupid to not educate their kids, nor spend money on other aspects of live in the present cuz they ate saving for the wedding anf jahez... Ok there are retards like that too... But i doubt any of us here are.
But if in the future i can afford to do it all for my kids...why not?!
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whats there to clear up? its quite simple i think.
for example.. saleema is to get married.. her in laws to be want a car in jahez as well as lots of jewellary... the parents of the girl are in a fix. they cant afford a whole lot nor do tehy want to give the in laws all that. they had only wanted to give small gifts to their girl on her wedding day but now are faced with this huge expense.
what would you do if you were saleema's folks?
i would tell the guy's family to go such on a rock. my daughter is way more valuable than being secondary to a car and jewels. and how dare you ask for anything for yourselves? whatever i give (if anything) is for my daughter to use in her house.
now im not even talking about the poor ppl that HAVE to think bout jahez. its an issue that wont go away in that sector due to ignorance (though educated ppl are guilty of this too).. but atleast the new generation is making changes and the older lot are coming along.
i could give an example but then you would say im taking it personally :)
Thanks for that. I thought you meant shower your daughters with 'gifts' when you said "treat your daughters like they are worth something". Sorry, It was late at night....
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I wish we could go back to good old days and call dowry a dowry...gift is a very nobel and innocent term for that shallow, materialistic give and take that goes in our weddings. It'll take few more generations to move far aay from such needless practices...
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ok Jolie, so from what I'm reading, you don't like gifts at all? Do you like recieiving gifts? Do you give gifts? Why is it so bad in your eyes for a parents to give their kids gifts? I don't get it. Are u saying that any gift a bride or groom gifts is like dowry?
And like I said before, it is in Islam. The Prophet SAW gave wedding gifts to his daughter Fatima, and there is a hadith stating that giving gifts to one another increases love between them.
No one is stating that it has to be extravagent gifts. Again, it's all what one could afford and want to give.
Parents from other cultures give their children gifts all the time on their weddings. Why are u so anti-South Asian?
Re: Dowry for your kids
this actually happened to a friend of mine .. the in laws said we wont no jahez at all.. its not done in our family.
so the girl's family did jack.. nothing other than jewellary for barat and the barat outfit. im not kidding you. NOTHING.
so the girl gets to the in laws house and asks for clothes to change into it. the mil gave her a blank look --- the girl had to wear her nand's clothes for the night and her chappals.
the couple went out first thing in the morning to buy her everything.
So before the day of the wedding, when the girl was living with her parents all her life....all her clothing, shoes, make-up...everything that belonged to the girl at her parents house....what happened to that? I'm pretty sure she did not live naked in her parents home or borrow other people's clothes to wear.
Maybe this is my personal experience but the women in my family....their "stuff" usually gets sent to whereever they'll be living in a few days before the wedding. Now this doesn't mean the the girl gets an ENTIRELY new wardrobe and everything she takes with her after marriage is brand new. It means the everything that belonged to them BEFORE the wedding, items she already used for her personal care....got sent with them. If they're planning on staying at the hotel for the wedding night, the girl usually packs a bag with items for a day or two. And when they get to the house they'll be living in (either with the in-laws or the guy's separate house), the suitcase(s) from the parents house with their previous wardrobe is already there.
I guess I'm just confused as to what prevented your friend (or her parents) from sending the clothes she already owned with her. When I hear the term "jahez", I think it's brand new items that are bought because of the wedding (ie. clothing, shoes, make-up etc.). If a girl takes with her items she was using BEFORE the wedding already, I don't see that as jahez. Am I the only one who thinks this way?
Re: Dowry for your kids
what I don't get is, why is it one or the other? Good Education or Gold/Jahaiz for their wedding?
If you can afford it, why not give both?
Afshi - I know I cant do both. I think you can have good education and some gold and jahaiz. But cannot do Best Education (private schools, private colleges, tuition and board, MS) and then top it off with buying more gold. (gold price is insane these days).
If anything I am going to pass down my mom's heirloom and sell my old stuff to get them new stuff.
Pls correct me if I am wrong but as per my understanding the Prophet ( pbuh) gave to his daughter 'gifts' that were purchased by selling the shield of Hazrat Ali. So that wouldn't be a jahaiz as per our Times but rather barree.
And khawa, thing in our case was that my parents could EITHER give us daughters a good education or jahaiz and most ppl in our socio economic circle are/were the same. With increasing prices of everything in today's world a lot if ppl assume that education is only gonna get more expensive as well as gold and other things so therefore they put the clause of either or
Re: Dowry for your kids
But if in the future i can afford to do it all for my kids...why not?!
^ Agreed. I don't think there is anything wrong with giving your kids whatever you want to as gifts. Everyone has different views on what and how much they want to give their kids based on their personal beliefs and values.
I think with it comes to terms like jahez/dowry/barri whatever......personally I have an issue when its EXPECTED. I don't expect gifts from anyone. I don't think or talk negatively about someone if they gift they give me is not to my liking. A gift is a blessing...a "bonus"....regardless of how "big" or "small" it is. I have no problem with parents giving their children whatever they can afford. But it irks me when during weddings....either the "other side" or anyone has expectations that a certain amount or certain items should be given just b/c it's a wedding (and then they talk crap when what's given isn't enough!).
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Its not about affordability, I don't agree with the concept. I can afford a lot of things which I don't agree with. Should I go ahead do i anyway? Ummm I don't think so. But hey for the people who think its jahiz is okay sure go ahead.