Re: don't know what to do...
Yeah because verbal abuse is just such a silly reason.
Women wanting respect from their husbands is just a romantic movie notion.
:)
Re: don't know what to do...
^ You did not read the post. It has everything in it, but you selectively read it. Little conflicts bring bigger ones.
Re: don't know what to do...
From what I have seen around me...marriage is a lifelong partnership where two people spend their whole lives committed to one person. That one person gets their confidence, trust, respect, love, loyalty, burdens, sorrows, happiness, etc.
It is as simple as that.
Re: don't know what to do...
^ You did not read the post. It has everything in it, but you selectively read it. Little conflicts bring bigger ones.
Yes I read the post, the entirety of it, and that's exactly what you are implying, given the situation.
Re: don't know what to do...
Marriage is a partnership and yes if avg was taken it WOULD be 2+2=4. Yes, at times its 0+4=4, 1+3=4, 4+0=4 and 3+1=4. If someone thinks it SHOULD always be 1+3=4 than that's sad.
Re: don't know what to do...
Yes I read the post, the entirety of it, and that's exactly what you are implying, given the situation.
Can't help you there.
Re: don't know what to do...
Marriage is a partnership and yes if avg was taken it WOULD be 2+2=4. Yes, at times its 0+4=4, 1+3=4, 4+0=4 and 3+1=4. If someone thinks it SHOULD always be 1+3=4 than that's sad.
More like -4 + 8 = 4 :)
Re: don’t know what to do…
I didn’t even think of that. Isn’t math so fun 
(it’s not, I don’t like it 
)
Re: don't know what to do...
Its my ultimate wish that at least ONE thread on Life1 does not become "lets attack each other's opinions" thread!
Re: don’t know what to do…
I don’t think that’s possible
Re: don't know what to do...
Its my ultimate wish that at least ONE thread on Life1 does not become "lets attack each other's opinions" thread!
And one more thread in PA where ethnic garbage is not discussed.
Let's dream ......
.......separately.
Re: don't know what to do...
Good God....why do some people think that taking a temporary break from your spouse is the equivalent of getting a divorce or ending the marriage? That's not necessarily so. And I think that most people don't resort to taking a break as their first response. They make the effort to resolve matters through a discussion, but if they are met with arrogance in the form of refusing to realize mistakes and with persistent disrespect and humiliation...........then I don't think it's unreasoanable to leave for a while. It could send a stronger message that such behavior is totally unacceptable, is not conducive to a healthy relationship or a healthy home environment in which to raise children, and will not be tolerated.
Sometimes people don't value the importance of what they had until it's gone. Leaving for a while is just a strategy among others. It not need be the end. However if the situation is only getting worse, then a person has to decide whether or not it's worth it for them stay in the marriage....and at that point (if it gets there) they will have to think about how they will support themselves and go about taking steps to make that arrangement.
The whole notion that a woman should work harder than her husband to make the marriage work makes me sick. Religion emphasizes patience and minding one's language for both genders*.* Both a husband and wife have their own rights but respect is something that is so fundamental without which you can't have a relationship.
Totally agree.. Also think the bit in blue needs its own thread.. would be interesting..
(Btw haven't been able to open my pms lately RV, will get bk to you soon as I can)
Re: don't know what to do...
Am sorry if that comes as generalization but why do I have a feeling that all the guys here have problems if the girls start talking about 'wanting respect' and a kind treatment from their spouses - and if they are not getting it and they want to do something about it most of you start pouncing back thinking it's a recipe for a divorce/separation?
Of my 2 years here at GS...I have *rarely *seen any posts saying 'go for a divorce and get him out of his life. So it's unfair to say that 'Life1 is all about a psycho abusive husband and an evil, cruel MIL'
Yes, in rainbow's case her husband is not acting as a very cultured and polite person and she has every right to stop him from being someone who casually uses swear words in almost every normal situation. Islam doesn't condone it.
Re: don't know what to do...
Am sorry if that comes as generalization but *why do I have a feeling that all the guys here have problems if the girls start talking about 'wanting respect' and a kind treatment from their spouses - and if they are not getting it and they want to do something about it most of you start pouncing back thinking it's a recipe for a divorce/separation? * Of my 2 years here at GS...I have *rarely *seen any posts saying 'go for a divorce and get him out of his life. So it's unfair to say that 'Life1 is all about a psycho abusive husband and an evil, cruel MIL'
Yes, in rainbow's case her husband is not acting as a very cultured and polite person and she has every right to stop him from being someone who casually uses swear words in almost every normal situation. Islam doesn't condone it.
Glad you pointed this out. There are exceptions who always give balanced advice (mirch, aahmed, kkf and a few others) but others who only seem to be able to think in extremes.. The girls tend to want to look for compromise or a reasonable way to improve their situation but anything short of being told to just stay put and have sabr meets with a standard negative knee-jerk response.. It's also quite disturbing to see them patting each other on the back by hitting the 'like' button to posts along the lines of 'if u were my wife I'd give you a slap' or 'not surprised he hit you'.. These sorts of comments seem to have become more common in the last few months as well.. They love to scream 'feminazi' at something as simple and inoffensive as a working mother or a DIL who'd prefer to live in her own home and can't seem to see how extreme and one-sided their views are whilst accusing the girls on here of being one-sided..
Re: don't know what to do...
If a man comes and is given advise to simply divorce or separate instead of compromising then above arguments would be valid.
Men should also compromise until all avenues are looked at and efforts are made to save marriage, no one should just leave other.
Bottom line: Both men and women should be willing to work through the thick or thin, conflicting personality of other before thinking extreme option of separation/divorce.
Short term sacrifice pays a lot on long term. The era of immediate gratification and "I don't have time to put up with someone's nonsense even if that is my spouse or father/mother of my child" is the real problem where** too many children suffer when divorce happens. **(I know the counter arguments of ''misery of children in bad contined marriage". Not a strong point since that may still have chance of being temporary problem)
Selfish/naive and short-sighted are those who give extreme and wrong advice to couples in trouble.
Re: don't know what to do...
If a man comes and is given advise not to simply divorce or separate instead of compromising then above arguments would be valid.
Men should also compromise until all avenues are looked at and efforts are made to save marriage, no one should just leave other.
Bottom line: Both men and women should be willing to work through the thick or thin, conflicting personality of other before thinking extreme option of separation/divorce.
Short term sacrifice pays a lot on long term. The era of immediate gratification and "I don't have time to put up with someone's nonsense even if that is my spouse or father/mother of my child" is the real problem where** too many children suffer when divorce happens. **(I know the counter arguments of ''misery of children in bad contined marriage". Not a strong point since that may still have chance of being temporary problem)
Selfish/naive and short-sighted are those who give extreme and wrong advice to couples in trouble.
I get what you are saying and it is a problem in most western countries. However, it is very different what our society expects from women. It's hardly about seeking instant gratification when it comes down to dreading waking up every morning to abusive husband. Our society and even families expect us to sacrifice everything we have and we are for the sake of their honor and relationship stability. How stable is a marriage where the wife and her kids are constantly being abused?
Another problem is the very men these women marry DO NOT understand what abuse is. So to stay in an abusive marriage means throwing your life away for absolutely nothing! They gain nothing but lose a lot! It's one thing where a man is being abusive and he knows it but it's an entirely different issue and very difficult to deal with when your own community doesn't understand what abuse is and expects you to put up with it.
Re: don't know what to do...
Is your husband a British national yet?
In UK you hear terrible stories about husband going all mean and abusive on their wives as soon as they get their red passport. So if he isn't a British national yet, make sure you don't do anything to speed up the process. In fact if I were you, I probably would've cancelled his application/put it on hold so when things get worse he can be easily kicked out of the country for good.
Lot of crap goes on between husband and wife, but abusing a child is not on.
Re: don't know what to do...
If a man comes and is given advise to simply divorce or separate instead of compromising then above arguments would be valid.
Men should also compromise until all avenues are looked at and efforts are made to save marriage, no one should just leave other.
Bottom line: Both men and women should be willing to work through the thick or thin, conflicting personality of other before thinking extreme option of separation/divorce.
Short term sacrifice pays a lot on long term. The era of immediate gratification and "I don't have time to put up with someone's nonsense even if that is my spouse or father/mother of my child" is the real problem where** too many children suffer when divorce happens. **(I know the counter arguments of ''misery of children in bad contined marriage". Not a strong point since that may still have chance of being temporary problem)
Selfish/naive and short-sighted are those who give extreme and wrong advice to couples in trouble.
Even though you put in your disclaimers of "man and women should work equally hard"...your ending para talks about sacrifice. Sacrifice for who? The man or woman? Its aimed at women because we are expected to do such.
In the end, we know that women WILL make the sacrifices for their marriages because are expected to be the better person. BUT these days...I rarely see people getting married for the same reasons our parents did. We want to marry for love and respect. If you don't respect your wife, will she teach her children to respect you? Probably not. The damage is not instant but much more harmful than any instant reaction could be.
I have seen many many many people talk about their parents' marriages...they **don't **want the same thing. The women resented their husbands, spoke ill about them behind their back, poisoned their children's minds, etc. People aren't born with these sentiments...they're a reaction to how one is treated. You may expect a woman to make all the sacrifices and she may do it but it doesn't mean you will be a respected member of the household. Children remember these things and never forget anyone mistreating their mother.
These are the actions that create dysfunctional families. Everyone has stayed together but can't stand each other.
The reason why a man's disrespect towards a woman is much more dangerous nowadays than it was before is because she actually has a choice to stay or go. Before that was not the case...she stayed because she had nowhere else to go.
You reap what you sow...give respect today and you will earn it back tomorrow.
Re: don't know what to do...
diwanabe, what awesome healing advice would you give the man and wife, given that he calls his 1 yr old daughter h-zadi and k*tti coz his precious nap time is taken up in babysitting her? is the kid going to suffer from a divorce or such excellent parenting by her dad? here is a hint: use your brain for once. take it out of the wrapping paper already..
Re: don't know what to do...
No wonder why divorce is rising in desi families and most of the time for silly reasons.
People think marriage is like a romantic movie and have no idea how to handle the real tough situations, learn the nature of other spouse so to avoid conflicts....build nice relation.
It is interesting that some married couples are more political and polite to friends than their own spouse.
When it comes to marriage, they think the relationship should be 2+2=4.
Who said that I want to divorce him? I am still trying to talk to him, to tell him how he makes me feel.. that's it...
Last year we had an argument and he grabbed me by my hair, pushed me down to the floor and took his shoe off to hit me (in the head) with it as hard as he could. When I tried to defend myself he punched and choked me . I didn't leave him I gave him another chance I talked to him..and I didn't tell anyone. I tried (and I am still trying) to make it work..