don't know what to do...

Lifestyle Relationships
81

Re: don't know what to do...

Glad to hear you're studying! Awesome. Best of luck with the rest of your degree and I hope things get better at home quickly, Inshallah.

Btw that other woman who is living with you - does she work?

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Re: don't know what to do...

Rainbow, just ignore that poster.. According to some ppl on here not being a doormat = western brainwashed feminazi..

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Re: don’t know what to do…

:k:

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Re: don't know what to do...

universal fact - a woman has to do much more effort to make a marriage work than a man (no matter what explanations, excuses, or reasonings any may give)

again you have no clue who i am, what i do, where i live, how i was brought up, etc. etc.

here if you dont know someone, the most rational thing to do is figure out what on earth is he talking about, and why on earth is he giving such and such advice instead of passing judgements on individuals and making assumptions ...

clarifying my stand point

rules do not change, sister or no sister

i will not put my sister's hand in the hands of such a man
for the most part it is the lousyness and stupidity of parents & brothers that their daughters & sisters end up with husbands/families like these...

Quran absolutely does not say a wife has stand this sort of BS. At the same time Quran also does not say the wife should leave the instant she hears a swear word.

Now, rainbow's situation ...

to be continued

85

Re: don't know what to do...

My question to rainbow is -

given the state and condition you are in right now, if within say a month

1 would you leave your husband?

2 if you leave your husband, what would you do? where would you go? what will you end up doing? do you have money? do you have parents/siblings that would let u stay? are you able to work? would you be able to get a job?

86

Re: don't know what to do...

OK.

The jahalat of some men is reality. No matter how much they are 'educated' they may not treat anyone in civl ways. (Same goes for some women).

Every spouse has responsibility to learn the mindset of other partner. Does not happen so commonly.

Your husband as anyone can see is not a polishedd guy. Doesn't mean he cannot be tamed by your good strategy.

At the moment he is driving, there is no need to act as backseat driver, no need to tell him what he did was wrong.

*No matter how correct you are, saying things wrong way or at wrong moment, can ruin the relation.
*
Your post do suggest you are looking for love and tender treatment from yor husband. A lt of women are lucky to have great husbands, you may not be.

**Hence you need to be extra catious , and first develop the candid relation then talk negative of his driving etc.
**Off course if you have no plan to live with him and get divorce/separation then just go ahead make negative remarks of his other actions.

Regarding involving others, you have to make sure he approves who should act as mediator.

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Re: don't know what to do...

i don't know what to say in this situation any how feeling very sorry for you n inshallah 'll pray.

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Re: don't know what to do...

^^a very reasonable advice

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Re: don't know what to do...

holy ****

have seen some bad relationships but not heard about kutti and haramzadi.

do you also haveanger issues? do you also get ugly wwhile fighting?

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Re: don't know what to do...

She shouldn't comment on his driving (presumably she didn't think he was driving safely, perhaps their baby was in the car too) but he can verbally abuse her and a one year old baby? Hm.

91

Re: don't know what to do...

^I was thinking that..

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Re: don't know what to do...

Good God....why do some people think that taking a temporary break from your spouse is the equivalent of getting a divorce or ending the marriage? That's not necessarily so. And I think that most people don't resort to taking a break as their first response. They make the effort to resolve matters through a discussion, but if they are met with arrogance in the form of refusing to realize mistakes and with persistent disrespect and humiliation...........then I don't think it's unreasoanable to leave for a while. It could send a stronger message that such behavior is totally unacceptable, is not conducive to a healthy relationship or a healthy home environment in which to raise children, and will not be tolerated.

Sometimes people don't value the importance of what they had until it's gone. Leaving for a while is just a strategy among others. It not need be the end. However if the situation is only getting worse, then a person has to decide whether or not it's worth it for them stay in the marriage....and at that point (if it gets there) they will have to think about how they will support themselves and go about taking steps to make that arrangement.

The whole notion that a woman should work harder than her husband to make the marriage work makes me sick. Religion emphasizes patience and minding one's language for both genders. Both a husband and wife have their own rights but respect is something that is so fundamental without which you can't have a relationship.

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Re: don't know what to do...

Rainbow, you mentioned that your MIL will be leaving in a month's time and that you "hope" she will. But the idea of your husband becoming more like an insaan after she leaves is disturbing. The issue needs to be addressed because her presence shouldn't be seen as justification for abuse toward you. And I've heard of cases where some men feel the need to be masculine/show their support around their moms and sisters by being disrespectful in various ways to their wives. Not saying that they're all like that, but I have heard of it.

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Re: don't know what to do...

I have only seen women working harder than men at marriage in families that are...very old fashioned...to put it delicately.

In most educated circles and this includes my family, I have seen men working just as hard to make things work. The guys married into my family do not work at their relationships any less than their wives do. So this idea that women will always work harder at relationships - is false. They will only work harder if they marry men who don't give a damn. So, my advice to you is find people who give a damn.

When it comes to not leaving when he swears at you...as far as I know...in decent families and functional relationships...there is a level of respect that is maintained at all times. I don't think I would respect a man much if he decided to use the B word for me...it would show me he has no self control and cannot be trusted in a family situation. He would embarrass me. It's not ME that gets degraded...its HIM and HIS upbringing. What would people say? Sari duniya mein mujhe yahi ek namoona mila tha shaadi karne ke liye? How do you even look at a guy like that? Its gross.

So, you may be right that she shouldn't leave when he swears at her. However, each time he curses...his respect in her mind and heart goes down a notch. Eventually, when the tables turn (and they do turn) she treats him like garbage. Love dissolves into silent resentment and very soon...you have two people who tolerate each other because its too late to get out. Who says this is the best way to live life? Who says its gunah to give yourself happiness? Where does it say a woman or a man will get more sawab if they suffers at the hands of their spouse?

I don't need to know who you are, where you live, what your pedigree is or how many cats you have to understand how you think. It really is as simple as that...believe it or not.

You know the nice thing about our generation? We have choices. Our parents didn't have the choices we do. My parents met each other the day they got married...no choices involved. Fortunately, my father turned out to be a great man and still is. The point of this paragraph is for single girls: when you meet someone who reeks of paindu-pana...don't marry him. You don't have to marry him. You have a choice now.

You only get ONE shot at life...why live it crying and begging for respect?

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Re: don't know what to do...

Who said he can verbally abuse her?

Regarding baby in the car, him driving, no real accident thank God,

..............but making negative comment while he is drivng and baby in the car to start nnecessary argument is not the right thing to do. She could have said something later when they are not riding in the car.

Thanks for making the color red.

Proves that point that appropriate words and timing is needed even in marriage relations.

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Re: don't know what to do...

REHA! REHA! REHA! REHA! woot

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Re: don’t know what to do…

thank god for to this thread, now i can totally justify abusing someone. just comment on thier driving.

i dont promote violence but in this case i wud beat the **** out of the driver no matter husband, friend or sibling the momemnt he/she stopped the car for almost killing 4 people and being such a diva about it.

but thats just me :chai:

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Re: don’t know what to do…

If she screamed at him, cursed at him in the car, criticized his driving…that’s understandable as it would be more stressful for the driver. But telling someone that “Aap dekh nahin rahay the” is not such a big deal. There have been several times where my mom has said to my dad while he’s driving “Yeh aap kahan jaa rahain hain/kya kar rahain hain…dekh k, etc” Even if he doesn’t agree with her…it’s not something he creates an issue over. :rolleyes:

I"f you want to get a divorce, go ahead and make “negative” remarks about his other actions. " This is laughable …to treat a comment about being careful while driving as such a negative thing. So people get divorced over making such comments…but not over cursing at and humiliating their spouse? Why can it not be said “If you want to get dumped by your wife, continue giving gaaliyan, treating her like a servant, and humiliating her befor others.” Why put it ALL on the wife and make it seem like she better be careful about even saying the slightest of things about his actions in order to save her home…whereas he’s hurling gaaliyan at her and his daughter?

As for the car comment…sometimes a driver is lost in their own world and is not paying full attention to the road. Sure, it can be argued that she should wait until they get home to bring up the careless driving. But what if she never says anything the first time he’s careless…and he gets into a major accident…BEFORE they reach home. Sometimes calmly warning a person after the first mistake can make the rest of the journey a bit more safer…and prevent the driver from repeating the same error. You can’t always wait to have a discussion at a later time…that delay can even prove dangerous. Two male members with unreasonable comments and both of them supporting one another. :rolleyes:

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Re: don't know what to do...

He treats his sister like a princess? Ask him what he would do if he found out his brother-in-law called his sister a "kutti" or "haramzaadi."

Cursing at kids... I'm sure there are a few people on this forum who have been cursed at by their parents, especially if they come from Punjabi families. I have definitely heard cursing from my mother if I spoke back to her... which I most likely deserved. But my father has NEVER cursed at me or my mother. Cursing at a woman is does not prove a guy's masculinity. If a guy felt so secure around a woman, he wouldn't have to curse at her.

The next time he curses at your daughter, ask him how he would feel if your daughter was cursed at by the neighbor, someone in school, or by her future husband. If he says it's ok for him to curse at his daughter, then say that the more cursing your daughter hears from her own father, the more likely she'll grow up to accept it from someone else and that you and your daughter deserve better than that.

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Re: don't know what to do...

No wonder why divorce is rising in desi families and most of the time for silly reasons.

People think marriage is like a romantic movie and have no idea how to handle the real tough situations, learn the nature of other spouse so to avoid conflicts....build nice relation.

It is interesting that some married couples are more political and polite to friends than their own spouse.

When it comes to marriage, they think the relationship should be 2+2=4.