don't know what to do...

PinkOrchids · August 22, 2011, 11:25pm

Sorry I was meant say - stay with him, tolerate his abuse, until his abuse also affects your child - sorry my bad!!!

God almighty! Why do some people only understand things till they happen to Their own mothers, daughters or sisters? Open your eyes this women is being abused. Leaving Someone is always a women's lady resort - no women wants to jarr her home her family, but sometimes in life people get dealt a bad card, they need keep all options open.

Would you tolerate such abuse?

Sara516 · August 22, 2011, 11:25pm

Re: don’t know what to do…

This is why.
http://www.paklinks.com/gs/life-and-relationships/515923-murder-in-new-jersey-an-eye-opener.html

ShahreyarKhan · August 22, 2011, 11:38pm

Re: don't know what to do...

just because i am in favour of not ending relationships does not mean i am in the favour of tolerate behaviour towards abuse

your sarcastic remarks are pointless and useless at the same time

i wont comment further

Reha · August 23, 2011, 12:10am

Re: don't know what to do...

The reason he says this is because he wants to isolate you and eventually make you believe its right.

What would you advise?

When is it okay for someone to leave and not be criticized for their choices? When is it acceptable? After the bruises start to appear on her back? Or when the daughter grows up thinking she is a second class citizen?

Find someone that can get through to these people and here's why:

Its a nice notion you know...ghar ki baat ghar mein hi rehni chahiye hai. But men don't think twice when ghar ki baat ghar mein rehti hai.

You have to make him realize you won't keep his dirty little secrets and there WILL be some consequences if he mistreats you. Right now, he knows you won't tell people so he has a green light.

Tell someone and make him understand this is unacceptable behavior.

ShahreyarKhan · August 23, 2011, 1:28am

Re: don't know what to do...

whatever i advise it would certainly not be leaving him at this time

you people bluntly say leave him dont talk to him, even though none of you are morally qualified to advise

none here know the real situation none here have the guidance to have the background to assess the situation completely ppl may have heard similar cases, seen similar incidents but none here have any practical lesson/advice to give

my problem is not a single one who replied seriously thought about what her problem is and what is the reasonable solution to it could be

Reha:

The reason he says this is because he wants to isolate you and eventually make you believe its right.

What would you advise?

When is it okay for someone to leave and not be criticized for their choices? When is it acceptable? After the bruises start to appear on her back? Or when the daughter grows up thinking she is a second class citizen?

Find someone that can get through to these people and here's why:

Its a nice notion you know...ghar ki baat ghar mein hi rehni chahiye hai. But men don't think twice when ghar ki baat ghar mein rehti hai.

You have to make him realize you won't keep his dirty little secrets and there WILL be some consequences if he mistreats you. Right now, he knows you won't tell people so he has a green light.

Tell someone and make him understand this is unacceptable behavior.

Sara516 · August 23, 2011, 1:36am

Re: don't know what to do...

Exactly what makes someone qualified to advise? Are you morally qualified to advise? No wait, you're just going to say "I know better but I don't have time to explain to you people."

Maybe most of us are giving this advice because we've lived through that and who better to give advice than someone who's actually been through it? Of course, b/c YOU don't agree with it, suddenly none of us are allowed to give advice.

redvelvet · August 23, 2011, 2:14am

Re: don’t know what to do…

ShahreyarKhan:

whatever i advise it would certainly not be leaving him at this time

Okay. Fine. You’re entitled to your opinions.

you people bluntly say leave him dont talk to him, even though none of you are morally qualified to advise

That is a rather maghroor statement. What makes YOU “morally” qualified to give advice in this situation? A degree in counseling or psychology? And how do you determine whether or not someone is morally qualified? Heck, even the words morally qualified don’t make much sense here.

none here know the real situation none here have the guidance to have the background to assess the situation completely ppl may have heard similar cases, seen similar incidents but none here have any practical lesson/advice to give

If “none” here know the real situation…then EVEN YOU don’t know the real situation. You don’t live with the OP. Your advice is just an opinion, like everyone else here. Again, it’s a very sort of maghroor statement. How can you be 100% sure that nobody here has had the exprience to give advice? You don’t know about the personal lives or experiences of the people who are giving advice…ho sakta hai that they have been through something similar. But just because you are not aware of their personal life…you can’t make that assumption that they don’t have a clue about what they’re saying.

my problem is not a single one who replied seriously thought about what her problem is and what is the reasonable solution to it could be

^Tumhari nazar main serious advice woh hogi which is the same as yours. Koi tum se different advice de…to woh banda serious nahin hai ya us ki neeyat serious nahin hai? That doesn’t make sense. Way too many assumptions in one post.

.

Sara516 · August 23, 2011, 2:26am

Re: don’t know what to do…

Man your post is full of so many inconsistencies. I have no time to bother with your post. but no matter what you all think, I am smarter and more educated and do more for women’s rights than you do. and i’m better looking than all of you.

man you are so disrespectful lol

redvelvet:

whatever i advise it would certainly not be leaving him at this time

Okay. Fine. You’re entitled to your opinions.

you people bluntly say leave him dont talk to him, even though none of you are morally qualified to advise

That is a rather maghroor statement. What makes YOU “morally” qualified to give advice in this situation? A degree in counseling or psychology? And how do you determine whether or not someone is morally qualified? Heck, even the words morally qualified don’t make much sense here.

none here know the real situation none here have the guidance to have the background to assess the situation completely ppl may have heard similar cases, seen similar incidents but none here have any practical lesson/advice to give

If “none” here know the real situation…then EVEN YOU don’t know the real situation. You don’t live with the OP. Your advice is just an opinion, like everyone else here. Again, it’s a very sort of maghroor statement. How can you be 100% sure that nobody here has had the exprience to give advice? You don’t know about the personal lives or experiences of the people who are giving advice…ho sakta hai that they have been through something similar. But just because you are not aware of their personal life…you can’t make that assumption that they don’t have a clue about what they’re saying.

my problem is not a single one who replied seriously thought about what her problem is and what is the reasonable solution to it could be

^Tumhari nazar main serious advice woh hogi which is the same as yours. Koi tum se different advice de…to woh banda serious nahin hai ya us ki neeyat serious nahin hai? That doesn’t make sense. Way too many assumptions in one post.

redvelvet · August 23, 2011, 2:33am

Re: don't know what to do...

That's really all you need to be morally qualified y'know.

Sara516 · August 23, 2011, 2:41am

Re: don't know what to do...

I just am....and I won't tell you why because i have better things to do.

stark · August 23, 2011, 3:05am

Re: don't know what to do...

Learning from my own personal problems I would really think about talking to your local imaam or religious, impartial individual where they have resources and actually want a husband wife relationship to work. Also, think about your daughter. Better off having a daughter with a distant father/daughhter relationship than one where her she grows up being called a kutti by the same guy whose supposed to protect her. Attempt to work it out with a mediator and barring that go live with partents for a while. youd be surprised how common these situations are and in 2 situations I know the women left and the husband basically went after them because they realized that they loved their children too much and that they would need a stable family dynamic to raise the kid. The imaam thing worked for another aunty because she became religious and her MIL wasnt so any misbehaving that the MIL did the DIL just proved wrong through religion and truly seeking a good path for her family which the uncle understood finally. The 1 aunty who didnt do anything is STILL suffering. The inlaws treat her like a jaahil slave. What makes me care for you or qualified to answer? im the product of that last relationship.

diwana · August 23, 2011, 3:12am

Re: don't know what to do...

For all marital problems of women:

The evil MIL is responsible. The husband is abusive.

And...

Only Valid solution:

Separation or better yet....divorce.

P.S. This post is for Public Service. It is to be applied and used as guidance for almost every domestic/marital issue.

Reha · August 23, 2011, 4:36am

Re: don't know what to do...

Really? When a man disrespects his wife, verbally abuses her, takes advantage of her position in the home to corner her, prevent her from even talking about it with anyone, gets his mother to bully her as well, etc...what do you advise be done?

I want to know what you think she should do. "Kutti, haramzaadi" are not words you would stand for if any man in your household used them for any female you loved. So why do the rules change when its someone else?

Apni behen ko koi aisa kahay to ghussa ayega aur doosray ki behen ke liye sahi hai?

I want a show of posts from the men on this forum...how many would tell their sister to tolerate her husband calling her "kutti, haramzaadi"? How many of you men would go and put their sister's hand in the hands of a man who treated her this way?

You didnt answer the question at hand. WHEN is it okay in your morally inclined book to leave without being judged by people like you?

No where does it say in the Qur'an that a woman needs to stand for this sort of BS.

Rainbow, I am not saying leave him right now. What I AM saying is...you have a daughter to raise now...its not just about you anymore. You need to fix this and fix this asap...get some help. You may need to muster some serious courage but you NEED to do this.

Aise logon ko dunya sharam dilati hai. If it was my son, I would slap him hard right across the face.

And posts like these are examples of why its just not enough to see a man's degrees and family pedigree. You need to get to know him and find out if this is the kind of ideology you're dealing with.

When I run across such people and posts, it just reinforces my determination to make sure I never raise my kids this way.

Its almost like an embarrassment.

diwana · August 23, 2011, 4:57am

Re: don't know what to do...

Reha:

Really? When a man disrespects his wife, verbally abuses her, takes advantage of her position in the home to corner her, prevent her from even talking about it with anyone, gets his mother to bully her as well, etc...*what do you advise be done? *

I want to know what you think she should do. "Kutti, haramzaadi" are not words you would stand for if any man in your household used them for any female you loved. So why do the rules change when its someone else?

Apni behen ko koi aisa kahay to ghussa ayega aur doosray ki behen ke liye sahi hai?

I want a show of posts from the men on this forum...how many would tell their sister to tolerate her husband calling her "kutti, haramzaadi"? How many of you men would go and put their sister's hand in the hands of a man who treated her this way?

You didnt answer the question at hand. WHEN is it okay in your morally inclined book to leave without being judged by people like you?

No where does it say in the Qur'an that a woman needs to stand for this sort of BS.

Rainbow, I am not saying leave him right now. What I AM saying is...you have a daughter to raise now...its not just about you anymore. You need to fix this and fix this asap...get some help. You may need to muster some serious courage but you NEED to do this.

Aise logon ko dunya sharam dilati hai. If it was my son, I would slap him hard right across the face.

And posts like these are examples of why its just not enough to see a man's degrees and family pedigree. You need to get to know him and find out if this is the kind of ideology you're dealing with.

When I run across such people and posts, it just reinforces my determination to make sure I never raise my kids this way.

Its almost like an embarrassment.

Finding a compromising solution is best strategy. When there is a problem in marriage, both parties can be at fault. When we read posts, we do not know and cannot know what is the position of other party.

As for the example: Why did she have to make a comment to her husband about his driving in a way which could be taken as offensve?

They are married for short time. They have a large communication gap. The relationship was probably not on a good start.

Building relationship to be able to pass negative comments without being scolded is an art. A lot of men/women do not know that art.

However, *divorce is not the ultimate solution for these problems.
*
A friendly advice: You are free to raise your kids anyway you want but make sure don't teach immediate solution of all domestic problems as separation/ divorce.

*Please refrain from making comment on anyone's upbringing and making judgmental remarks.
*

sarmad786 · August 23, 2011, 5:18am

Re: don't know what to do...

i think this is one of the best and most practical solution under such circumstances.

Iyla · August 23, 2011, 6:55am

Re: don’t know what to do…

:k:

Totally agree - you need to become financially independant in order to gain some respect and authority in your own home!

If you haven’t worked in a while, then start a diploma course, you can even get a degree from home via open university etc and find a job at the same time to help you become independant. get your mum to help you look after your daughter or put her in a part-time nursery while you’re at work etc. i really think the only way out of this is to become independant.

Its your home - kindly but firmly tell that other woman she needs to leave very soon. of course you don’t get any privacy with her staying with you!

how long is your MIL there for?

Iyla · August 23, 2011, 7:02am

Re: don’t know what to do…

redvelvet:

Tell your husband very clearly that you don’t appreciate the foul lanugage he’s using for you and your daughter and that this behavior is not condoned by Islam, that it’s a gunnah. Remind him of the hadith which states that the best men are those that are the kindest to his wives. And go ahead and tell your MIL the same thing.

Then tell your husband that you are his partner and not his pair ki joothi that he can insult you whenever he wishes and then demand that you prepare 10 dawats like a servant. You teach people how to treat you. If you act like a doormat…you will be treated like one. Every relationship has boundaries and unfortunately our culture takes the respect for elders thing a bit too far…your age is not justification for ill behavior.

So, discuss the issue with him. If he tries to work with you…great. If he continues the badtameezi…pack your bags and tell him that you’ll consider coming back ONLY when he’s ready to behave like an insaan da puttar. And then leave.

you’re truly awesome rv!!

PinkOrchids · August 23, 2011, 9:13am

Being better looking Sara is a reason for better advise?

Hahaha! U make me laugh girl!

rainbow1987 · August 23, 2011, 10:23am

Re: don't know what to do...

hey guyz thanx for ure posts..I am not working at the moment coz its my final year at uni(starting this sep) my daughter will be with a childminder...so I dont really have to be at home and bother about Mil and hubby...my MIL will be leaving in a month I think (or I hope).. you know my husband has got a sister and he treats her like a princess the funny thing is so does her husband...

rainbow1987 · August 23, 2011, 10:30am

Re: don't know what to do...

diwana:

Finding a compromising solution is best strategy. When there is a problem in marriage, both parties can be at fault. When we read posts, we do not know and cannot know what is the position of other party.

As for the example: Why did she have to make a comment to her husband about his driving in a way which could be taken as offensve?

They are married for short time. They have a large communication gap. The relationship was probably not on a good start.

Building relationship to be able to pass negative comments without being scolded is an art. A lot of men/women do not know that art.

However, *divorce is not the ultimate solution for these problems. * A friendly advice: You are free to raise your kids anyway you want but make sure don't teach immediate solution of all domestic problems as separation/ divorce.

*Please refrain from making comment on anyone's upbringing and making judgmental remarks. *

u mean I cant politely tell him that he should be careful? what I said was "aap sahi tarha dekh nahin rahe the"...and I always use "AAP" when I talk to him or as a matter of fact I use it for everyone..coz thats what my parents thaught me..my father used "aap" while talking to us..I am not used to this "jahil" language...and I have never even called him by his name...what more does he want from me..I am sorry but I will defend myself if he swears at me even if this is called "muqabla" in our culture..I dont care...