Re: don't know what to do?
well.. the guy is a pothead, drinks daily, hangs out at bars etc etc, according to the OP. wouldn't you check up on at least basic things like who are the guys friends, what does he do for fun etc if you are marrying a stranger?
yes, technically u should... but how many people do?
i have seen or heard of a number of marriages with the same story...
Re: don’t know what to do? (slur by 911)
Re: don't know what to do?
Why the bitterness Icono? Shayad roza lag raha hai. I never claimed that my advice will work. I have the intention to help and I try my best. As far as the length of the post is concerned...i try to be thorough and look at things from various angles . People differ in their writing style and if you find it disagreeable, you can simply skip their post as opposed to instigating with a condescending remark. Such an action says more about u than it does me. I don't expect much from NomiCA.......but I thought that Zareen Khan would be sensible enough to know that. Oh well.
Ignore Iconoclast and his thoughtless comment. In fact if he hadn’t made such a remark I’d be more surprised!!!!
It’s so easy for bitter and cynical people to make such remarks as they get high on doing it! Lol. They are unhappy people and have nothing to say of reasonable intellect.
Your advice is highly valued RV and you totally rock the life forum. In fact I reckon everyone waits for your posts in all the threads as you give amazing advice.
Re: don't know what to do?
Yeah, we kinnda did. we met once since he lived in a different state and then talked over the phone for about a month before deciding to get engaged. But he has this split personality- if you ever meet him, you would think he is the nicest guy on earth!
I am very sorry you have had to go through this. His behavior towards you is unacceptable. I think you have tried to make it work, but deserve better than this guy who is an addict and treats you so mean.
Re: don't know what to do?
He could have been a father -- and this news bought him distress.. That's pretty messed up. I'm sorry to say this, but from what I'm reading, your situation can only get worse. If you're trying to save this marriage because you're afraid of a divorce, that's not enough of a reason. Please save yourself from this marriage before it gets worse. You're young, you can get re-married, you deserve a lot better than this. Divorce is always the last option, but in your case it unfortunately seems to be the only viable one :( Pray to Allah during this month of Ramadan, and inshAllah he will guide you towards what is right.
Contrary to what we believe, divorce may actually the best thing you ever do. I've seen one of my bestest friends go through a divorce, it was tough, she cried all the time, but she got through it. She had her parents for support, she took up hobbies, worked and schooled. Now mashAllah, she has married and had a child two months ago :) There are always happy endings, I pray that you get happiness and peace in your life soon :)
Re: don’t know what to do?
Note and suggestion to members of this forums. Good Job + politeness + Good family doesn’t equate or make anyone suitable for rishta . Have you interviewed his friends, close relatives, etc for character reference? If not then, this is another lesson for everyone to please and please do proper investigation.
The advice of one of the companions of the Prophet, Umar Ibn al-Khattab, can help in this regard:
A man came to Umar ibn al-Khattab and spoke in praise of another. Umar asked him: “Are you his nearest neighbor such that you know his goings and his comings?”
“No.”
“Have you been his companion on a journey so that you could see evidence of his good character?”
“No.”
“Have you had dealings with him involving dinars and dirhams [money] which would indicate the piety of the man?”
“No.”
“I think you saw him standing in the mosque muttering the Quran and moving his head up and down?”
“Yes.”
“Go, for you do not know him…”
And to the man in question, Umar said, “Go and bring me someone who knows you.”
http://soundvision.com/Info/Islam/mar.6adab.asp
May Allah help you through your difficulties. Try going for counseling before you do anything. But Insha’Allah Allah will help you.
Re: don't know what to do?
Or you can wait for 300 word document from RV that may make you feel good but will not work.
I like it because the way it is said. :)
Re: don't know what to do?
Having said that, OP knows better if there is any hope despite all this she mentioned.
Maybe there is more detail that we do not know but based on what we know he is a jerk.
What to do now is a tough situation really.
Divorce cannot solve all her problems but staying married like this is not a great option either.
This is an eye opener for those who marry and direct questioning should be done. And one can try best but really anyone including girls can hide the past very easily.
Hoping that some way the guy learns good ways and OP may need to change few tactics.
Re: don't know what to do?
I like it because the way it is said. :)
bhai jaan itney mazarat khawhana lehjey meiN tareef ker rahey haiN
Re: don't know what to do?
I pray to Allah that you are guided through this tough time and given strength to deal with it all.
I think in your heart of hearts you know the right decision for you, and remember whatever you decide, Allah will always be there for you.
Ameen.
And just quick advise to anyone who is yet to be married, please please get your education, so if worst comes to worst, you can always land back on your education. You won't need to stay in such a relationship because of money. (This is not directed to the OP).
Re: don't know what to do?
Paheli00:
my mom is a single parent and is not in good health. She thinks I should dump him but then gets very depressed by the idea of her daughter getting a divorce so soon after getting married.
I guess I am just scared of getting divorced. I know he is not sincere with me but some family members tell me that others have had worse husbands and have tolerated them.
ok the guy seems to be a complete schizophrenic/bipolar personality ... plus this is a family of hypocrites ! a lady goes to a mosque and teaches Quran surely should know family values and running a home!
plus the guy drinks, has had past affairs and still contacts his ex gfs...do i see an islamic reason to continue this marriage - esp when he is not changing ??
as Sara said the income might be the main reason ...but I don't see the OP getting much of the income ...when he has taken all the money from the joint account and just gives her 20-40$ for the groceries .
but yes the APPARENT impression of the entire family could pose a problem and thus the OP and the mother are both scared...esp when they don't have a male fatherly figure to support them through this ! people would only think it's the girl's fault ..family to bohat he NAIK aur achi thi!
but at the end of the day ..this guy has serious mental issues and he hasn't shown any signs of turning into a new leaf ! I would say get out of this mess ...
Re: don't know what to do?
and secondly ..i don't see it as trolling at all !
some people might take Life1 as a spice filled drama of some kind - which gets their mind off from work for a while ..but honestly I don't think anyone would want to share their woes and moans on a public forum ..unless the poor people were really in a desperate position !
nobody would want to create fiction and make a monster of their husband just to get attention and a few replies ... :/
Re: don't know what to do?
Ignore the waffle, contact a family mediator/counselor if your looking for a resolution or a divorce lawyer to get out.
Re: don't know what to do?
i will suggest you to get rid from him.
Re: don't know what to do?
Paheli00:
my mom is a single parent and is not in good health. She thinks I should dump him but then gets very depressed by the idea of her daughter getting a divorce so soon after getting married.
I guess I am just scared of getting divorced. I know he is not sincere with me but some family members tell me that others have had worse husbands and have tolerated them.
Your mother didnt raise you as a single parent so you could live a miserable life.
Think about it...all that hard work so you could live a happy life and you're not even doing that...is it worth it?
Re: don't know what to do?
I wouldn't care if the man had a job that paid a million pounds an hour, if he doesn't respect you, there is no point that money!
Ayseh paasei ko mitee paaho
I did not marry him for the money, I did not even ask him about his salary before we got married. I was stayed with him when he had taken all of the money out of the bank account! I am a US educated woman and had a very good job that I left for him.
Re: don't know what to do?
I did not marry him for the money, I did not even ask him about his salary before we got married. I was stayed with him when he had taken all of the money out of the bank account! I am a US educated woman and had a very good job that I left for him.
all this makes little sense to me, sorry. you are an educated person who used to work in the real world. then decided to get married to a guy from far away without bothering to get to know him, or even his salary?
Re: don't know what to do?
I am a US educated woman and had a very good job that I left for him.
You were brave enough to leave a good job , now be more brave and divorce this pothead. He does not deserve you and you deserve better.
Re: don't know what to do?
Why the bitterness Icono? Shayad roza lag raha hai. I never claimed that my advice will work. I have the intention to help and I try my best. As far as the length of the post is concerned...i try to be thorough and look at things from various angles . People differ in their writing style and if you find it disagreeable, you can simply skip their post as opposed to instigating with a condescending remark. Such an action says more about u than it does me. I don't expect much from NomiCA.......but I thought that Zareen Khan would be sensible enough to know that. Oh well.
I liked it because it sounded funny.......i thought you could take a joke.....you yourself have had a go at me too in the past.......anyways......i didn't meant to insult you or anything....
Re: don't know what to do?
I feel bad for you. I don't believe that you married him for money. You say no where in your post so its just wrong to "assume" things. I wouldn't be in that kind of crappy marriage simply for money so I am sure no one else would be. Money does not buy happiness. I have a cousin who was exactly in your situation. I mean EXACT. She married someone who did everything, and a bit more then what your husband does. I don't think anyone intentionally goes into a relationship like this one. Things can go terribly wrong even after knowing someone for years before getting married to them. I don't agree with queer here. I married my husband after meeting him only ONCE. We have an amazing marriage MA.
Everyone wants to make their marriage work no matter what. I think that you should look for a job first and see if things get better. Maybe he has started taking you for granted, does not respect you knowing that you'll be around... you are dependent on him. You need to start making your own decisions in life. You need to show him that you need respect too and you disapprove of his behavior. Oh and my cousin who was in your exact situation eventually got divorced after trying hard for a year to make things work. She has a baby too. Sometimes when you do try your hardest but things still don't work, you really can't do anything. Do try to make it work, if it doesn't work, you don't need to be suffering.