^ to be honest, I think asking her to try to make it work, is the worst thing she could be doing.
However I do think she needs time away to reflect. I just hope Allah thallah gives you patience and makes you strong.
Re: don't know what to do?
all this makes little sense to me, sorry. you are an educated person who used to work in the real world. then decided to get married to a guy from far away without bothering to get to know him, or even his salary?
benefit of the doubt bud....things like this DO happen unfortunately.
Being educated and working doesn't mean a person is exempt from being put in a bad situation.
Re: don't know what to do?
٨absolutely! It's no wonder we see smart women marrying dumb men. It's becoming a trend.
Re: don't know what to do?
I have been in a similar situation. The best thing that I ever did was take a break, stayed with my family and reflected on my marriage thus far. I came to realize how much i had been wrapped in the situation (to know what i really wanted) and when i was away, gave me the clarity to make an educated decision.
I really suggest you do this.
Re: don't know what to do?
I don't think anyone intentionally goes into a relationship like this one. Things can go terribly wrong even after knowing someone for years before getting married to them. I don't agree with queer here. I married my husband after meeting him only ONCE. We have an amazing marriage MA.
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Totally agree. Some people make it sound like doing the investigation & all is the only key to a happy marriage....but its not...even though a lot of people do this but still many marriages get messed up....whereas I still see a lot of totally arranged marriages working where the spouse is in another country & they didnt know each other before marriage.
Really dislike these hypocrites where the family is extra naik in following islam & giving dars to others, when they & their family needs it the most (the MIL & son in this case).
As for the OP, you have tried to make things work but it doesnt seems to be helping. You can never trust liars.
Re: don't know what to do?
Totally agree. Some people make it sound like doing the investigation & all is the only key to a happy marriage....but its not...even though a lot of people do this but still many marriages get messed up....whereas I still see a lot of totally arranged marriages working where the spouse is in another country & they didnt know each other before marriage.
I married my husband after meeting him only ONCE. We have an amazing marriage MA.
sometimes gambling pays off. sure, sometimes even when you do check everything out, things may go wrong - does that mean one shouldn't bother checking? in the OPs case, a little digging into his lifestyle would have shown incompatibility. its hard not to place at least some blame on her/her parents for not doing their basic homework when it comes to picking a groom.
not everyone is out to get married for the same reasons. marrying someone without knowing anything about them is foolish whether it is arranged marriage or otherwise.
Re: don't know what to do?
sometimes gambling pays off. sure, sometimes even when you do check everything out, things may go wrong - does that mean one shouldn't bother checking? in the OPs case, a little digging into his lifestyle would have shown incompatibility. its hard not to place at least some blame on her/her parents for not doing their basic homework when it comes to picking a groom.
not everyone is out to get married for the same reasons. marrying someone without knowing anything about them is foolish whether it is arranged marriage or otherwise.
OK , they did not do investigation , she is looking for a solution now , what is the use of discussing how it went wrong ?
She is seeking advice for present situation she is in , not for rishta investigation process.
Re: don't know what to do?
solution beings with an understanding and acceptance of what went wrong, and where to place blame. once this is clear, everything else will fall into place.
everyone is going full blast blaming the guy, calling him evil, mil evil, what not. clearly this isn't exactly the root cause of marital discord here. these people weren't even meant to be together.
Re: don't know what to do?
A friend of mine had similar issues after her marriage. The guy was also into drinking/smoking etc. And there were other issues. Anyway, she is now divorced.
Re: don't know what to do?
Honestly, why bother? He cheats, lies, drinks, smokes.. what else is there that you could possibly think of that would want you to stay with a man like this? Oh and please, the whole "I love him, I want to help him" wala funda doesnt work hun! Men of this sort, don't change - so before he starts to take the anger out on you in the form of physical abuse, I would go back to my parents and send the papers his way! Theres no use saving a relationship where your not safe yourself!
Re: don't know what to do?
solution beings with an understanding and acceptance of what went wrong, and where to place blame. once this is clear, everything else will fall into place.
everyone is going full blast blaming the guy, calling him evil, mil evil, what not. clearly this isn't exactly the root cause of marital discord here. these people weren't even meant to be together.
The root cause is his misgivings , it is loud and clear now. May be she and her family made a mistake of poor judgement or they were deceived.
Yes they were not meant to be together but it happened some how. Now let us help this poor soul get out of this sad situation and move on.
Re: don't know what to do?
Divorce him, do you really want to raise children in that environment? Worst still spend your life with a drunkard?
Re: don't know what to do?
Only Allah can help you and answer your question. May you free from all these problems. Ameeen!!!
Re: don't know what to do?
Start doing what he's doing, i dont mean compromise on ur beliefs in terms of drinking etc but go out and maybe him seeing that u can do exactly what he's doing might give him a sense of realisation that no ur not going to just sit at home and wait for him no matter what he gets up to.
guys sometimes need to see things for them to realise.
Re: don't know what to do?
[QUOTE]
"SO I got married last year to a guy who wasa very charming, polite, good job, came from what we thought was a good family. His family lives in the same state as us but he lived in another state bcos of his job. We had our nikkah 2 months before the rukhsati and I went to a different state to live with him. When I got there, I found out that he drinks everyday, smokes pot and a month before our rukhsati, he texted his old girlfriend at 2 in the morning that he was only thinking about her and he missed her and wanted to go over to her house."
[/QUOTE]
I read this far and thought you were going to tell us that you asked for a divorce next. I mean this sounds like a scene out of a bad film. The guy's got so many issues he's a cliche. Instead, you stayed on with him and got pregnant. Why do women do this to themselves? How do you bring yourself to sleep with someone after finding all this out? There's no judgement here, just a reaction to a tragic story. I know you're asking for a solution, but as someone else pointed out, you have to realize how significantly bad this situation is before you can rectify it. Advice along the lines of, "maybe he can get counseling, it's your life - stay with him if you think you can fix him," sounds tempting if you don't know how deep the ditch you're standing in is.
I'm not a psychiatrist but I don't think counseling can fix this guy - his mommy issues, for one, will take a lifetime to sort. Even if therapy could work, why is he worth it? Has this occurred to anyone? The guy's a douchebag by choice, not a schizophrenic who's battling circumstances beyond his control. Where's the personal accountability in all this? I'd take him to divorce court for mental torture and physical intimidation. Divorce isn't the end of the world, learn something from this and you'll find someone worthy of you.
Leave him before he leaves you, and save yourself some grief.
Re: don't know what to do?
This is a disturbing thread. What good is this marriage or staying in this marriage bringing to you? You dont have peace of mind, mental stability because of the torture, security that is supposed to be provided by your partner, compassion, basic care. the list goes on and on.
There are no two sides of the story here. Of course OP would have made mistakes here. No single person is responsible for the whole mess. But even if 50 percent is correct, time to leave this marriage girl. Good luck.
Re: don't know what to do?
to ur ans chai biscuit iknow someone she is 40 now had been married for 18 years in her marrie dlife her husband was in drugs and ****ty stuff and she kept on having children while after the fist boy she should of left him and i askedher y ? nt do that she said at that time she kept herself bussy with u know this having kiddies stuff and doing so shehas had four and now after the fourth one was 5 yrs old finally she got seperated and now she has turnedinto a very bitter person y women do that i seriously dont get it y have children wen the person whos childrenu r going to carry is worthless????????????????
Re: don't know what to do?
٨absolutely! It's no wonder we see smart women marrying dumb men. It's becoming a trend.
yeah thats right mostly women do that once my friend said that women who r smart delibertley give attention to those guys who u dumb and the ones they rreally nice are not hit spot atthat time of life but after all theregrets whats the point thinking abt that?
Re: don't know what to do?
not everyone is out to get married for the same reasons. marrying someone without knowing anything about them is foolish whether it is arranged marriage or otherwise.
What person do u think is going to openly tell the family that their son drinks does drugs etc?
OP - you need to way up the good and bad points of ur marriage, make a decision that you wont regret in 10 years time.
Re: don't know what to do?
to ur ans chai biscuit iknow someone she is 40 now had been married for 18 years in her marrie dlife her husband was in drugs and ****ty stuff and she kept on having children while after the fist boy she should of left him and i askedher y ? nt do that she said at that time she kept herself bussy with u know this having kiddies stuff and doing so shehas had four and now after the fourth one was 5 yrs old finally she got seperated and now she has turnedinto a very bitter person y women do that i seriously dont get it y have children wen the person whos childrenu r going to carry is worthless????????????????
because women are taught that "once you have a baby everything will be better"