don't know what to do?

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: don't know what to do?

This is such a sad case :(. I agree every coin has two sides but i wonder how can such a lack of husband's caring attitude can ever be justified?

p.s wth is this 33.33% mentioned again n again for?

22

Re: don't know what to do?

Why are you still thinking ? you should have already filed for divorce.
There is no way this marriage can be salvaged. He is an addict , abuser . His family is dysfunctional and you are still thinking to salvage this marriage.
Contact a good divorce lawyer ASAP.

23

Re: don't know what to do?

"when I found out that I had had my misscarriage, he left me that evening for 2 hours to go to a bar and I had to go find him because my family was not there with me to comfort me ."

No, there are no two sides to every issue. Sometimes you just run into a jerk. Above says it all. Take care of yourself.

24

Re: don't know what to do?

The guy as you portray him seems like a huge douchebag. You're better of ditching that dude.

25

Re: don't know what to do?

Why the bitterness Icono? Shayad roza lag raha hai. I never claimed that my advice will work. I have the intention to help and I try my best. As far as the length of the post is concerned...i try to be thorough and look at things from various angles . People differ in their writing style and if you find it disagreeable, you can simply skip their post as opposed to instigating with a condescending remark. Such an action says more about u than it does me. I don't expect much from NomiCA.......but I thought that Zareen Khan would be sensible enough to know that. Oh well.

26

Re: don't know what to do?

^ i liked it because i thought it was funny! i didnt know who was it targeted at and if it was true or not as i hardly know any member here on that level that i wud know what/how they post. no hard feelings!

27

And what is this other side of the story? The poor abusive lying guy got married to a normal girl who is trying make her marriage work?

I agree with partyslims.

His mother sounds controlling, she also sounds domineering. He sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen. I feel genuinely saddened by your story, I know of a similiar case, although the guy did eventually grow up after some ten years, before that he still took drugs, went out at all hours and had numerous affairs.

However as this girl was married into family there was the extra push to keep going and putting your head down - because she was advised by her elders. Thing Is realistically speaking it was sheer torture for her and she is now a shell of a person she was.

I don't think anyone should be a martyr for a partner who doesn't respect you, and how could he? he has no respect for himself or his health.

Instead of making a happy event of bringing a life into this world with a women he is married to - he yells at you. And then on top it when the miscarriage occurs isn't there to comfort you?

I have respect for you for trying make it work - but you need think right now you are at the brunt of this environment, would you really want bring a child up in such a one?

And if you think you can change him, if his own parents could not control him as a child and thus brought up a dysfunctional adult - how can you?

I really hope you think about what you want, I think deep down you already know, you just have muster the courage to do so. I hope Allah thallah guides you in this horrid time. Seek counselling and solace from your family and remove the bad elements from your life. You deserve much better.

28

Reading some the comments by various men and some women on this thread- how can you know about the hardships one person goes through, everyone is so quick to name call.

Please show some compassion for your fellow man/women. Ramadan ka mahneeh mei koi thoi sooch samaag ke baat karhoo

RVs advice is like no other, i think what you said was completely rude and unjustified.

29

Re: don't know what to do?

To animir:

One important thing you forgot to mention......especially since you're staying with YOUR family now.

What does your mom and dad think about all this?

I'm not quite sure why you don't know what to do in this situation....b/c according to what you wrote, your husband and his family is making your life miserable. You have not stated one single reason as to why YOU want to continue being married to him.

So think about that........WHY do you want to continue being married to this man?

30

Re: don't know what to do?

Yeah, we kinnda did. we met once since he lived in a different state and then talked over the phone for about a month before deciding to get engaged. But he has this split personality- if you ever meet him, you would think he is the nicest guy on earth!

31

Re: don't know what to do?

he has both. he has a very good job as a tech consultant nad makes nearly 200k/yr

32

Re: don't know what to do?

Paheli00:

my mom is a single parent and is not in good health. She thinks I should dump him but then gets very depressed by the idea of her daughter getting a divorce so soon after getting married.

I guess I am just scared of getting divorced. I know he is not sincere with me but some family members tell me that others have had worse husbands and have tolerated them.

33

Re: don't know what to do?

^ what others have done and dealt with should have no bearing on what YOU decide to do with YOUR marriage.

Work on your marriage if you think its worth saving, cut your ties if you think it won't get any better.....but the fact that "so and so put up with this kind of marriage, you should too" is simply wrong.

Something tells me that that income is the reason some might be pushing you to stay...

34

Re: don't know what to do?

u serious? how can she not know?

how many girls know they are going to be marrying twirps? or even the other way around?

hardly anyone does "proper" checking on the person they are going to be marrynig... and even if they do, 5-6 years down the track, u find out the other half is still talking to their ex.. or better yet, sleeping with them.

to the OP.... why didnt u do something about this earlier? did u think he would change?

35

I wouldn't care if the man had a job that paid a million pounds an hour, if he doesn't respect you, there is no point that money!

Ayseh paasei ko mitee paaho

36

Re: don't know what to do?

These are not enough reasons to live a miserable life.

37

Re: don't know what to do?

well.. the guy is a pothead, drinks daily, hangs out at bars etc etc, according to the OP. wouldn't you check up on at least basic things like who are the guys friends, what does he do for fun etc if you are marrying a stranger?

38

Re: don't know what to do?

I don't know any mother who would be happy at her daughter getting divorced. HOWEVER, it seems that your mom understands why you need to leave this man and will support your decision. It's good to know that IF you choose to walk out of this marriage....your mother will be by your side.

I commend you for being honest. Admitting that "fear" is the only reason you're not leaving him is a major step. But living in the states, I imagine you already know that "divorce" is not the end. You can still go onto living a full-life after a divorce.....but only if you CHOOSE to.

As for family members....other telling you that they tolerated "worse" husbands is ridiculous. Think about the LOGIC behind that. There are women out there who become sluts....does that make it "ok" for you to become one? No. Other family members have made CHOICES to live their life a certain way....and YOU need to decide how you want to live your life.

On a side note: Imagine what type of life your future children will have living with this man. Do you want your son to grow up to be like him? Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that this is the way a wife should be treated?

At the end....this is your life. Put emotions aside and think with your brain. Because at the end....the ONLY one who will live with the consequences of your decision will be you (and your future children). On a day-to-day basis....your mother, family members, friends etc. will not be there.

39

Re: don't know what to do?

These are HUGE problems...and it's hard to believe that they could be so easily concealed before marriage. Did you not investigate the guy's family prior to marrying him? You didn't notice or feel that anything was fishy? In these situations, sometimes the guy's family can be really pushy about hurrying the marriage...and that too can be a sign. I think Paheli has said it best. The news of your pregnancy didn't bring about any positive changes/greater sense of responsibility within your husband. Would he have been any better if you did have a child? And you can't raise children in such a toxic home environment. I think you should take a break from your husband ...let him know that you feel hurt and you need time apart to clear your mind...and go stay with your mom for a while. Take that time away from him to think about what you need to do. People don't change easily. There are two sides to a story and based on just what you've shared...I would divorce him if I were you. If, however, for some reason, you decide to give him one more chance...the problem with that is that often times a limit is not set and one chance becomes many chances...and then you find yourself stuck and much worse off than before. Whatever you decide....whether you divorce him or stick it out.....will have its consequences. Go for the decision that has more pros to it...(for YOU as an individual)...and not for desi society. Your mom's view to put up with it is irrational. Also, there are people out there that perform the ritual part of Islam (namaz, roza, charity) with regularity....that doesn't necessarily make them good Muslims. The rituals come easy to them...they do well with these smaller things and then screw up when it comes to the deeper things like treating others with respect and fairness.....and I think that's a bigger indication of your iman. Hope things improve, best wishes.

40

Re: don't know what to do?

I hope OP is not sticking around only because he has a very good job?