Domination

[PyariCgudia]

Re: Domination

This is what I was thinking and then I come across your post...lol

Listen to her. Some men like to be in charge...that's how they are. Instead of fighting it...learn to let him be a man while you also get to be a woman. There's nothing wrong with a guy wanting to step up and make decisions for his household...this is what a responsible man does. So when we find a responsible man...why do we fight him to turn him into the man we never wanted?

You say you want him to be responsible financially for the household - well - you ARE his household after marriage.

So far, you've been happy with this guy. He seems respectful AND he also says he will not make a decision without listening to you. What does that mean? It means, he won't be barreling ahead with no regard for PCG and her pulsating brain. He considers you his partner. You will have a chance to talk about these decisions, voice your opinion and convince him with reason if you're not happy with his decisions.

PCG...try to ENJOY this time.

It's the principal of the matter that he tells me he will BOSS me around. What you're suggesting is that there is a decision to be made, both parties put forth their opinions and come to a mutual agreement, and when you don't agree perfectly each side compromises a little. He is not saying that. He is saying that if there is a disagreement, we'll go with his decision. No room for compromise. No bending on either side, he gets the upper hand.

WTH?

[Reha]

Re: Domination

What people say and what they do are two very different things PCG. Has he ever acted on this so far? Has he ever pushed you around until now?

There will be good and bad everywhere...you need to decide if this guy's positives outweigh the negatives.

[PyariCgudia]

Re: Domination

Well that's the thing, his behavior never suggested such, and I pointed that out to him. He flat out told me that things will be different after marriage, he's not being bossy now, since I'm not his wife yet. But he will be bossy in the future. I was like wuh?

[PyariCgudia]

Re: Domination

And as for respect begetting respect, I am definitely willing to RESPECT my husband. You guys are right, respect begets respect. What respect are you showing to someone when you say “I’m going to boss you around after marriage, get ready for it”, and he confirms he is NOT saying that in a sexual way.

You know he mentioned this statement actually in month 2 or so of us talking, I genuinely thought he was talking about sex because it was Valentine’s day. I told him not to be naughty.

Urgh, maybe he was telling me he’s a jackarse day 1 and I just didn’t hear it because I’m a pervert.

[khattichic]

Re: Domination

It's the principal of the matter that he tells me he will BOSS me around. What you're suggesting is that there is a decision to be made, both parties put forth their opinions and come to a mutual agreement, and when you don't agree perfectly each side compromises a little. He is not saying that. He is saying that if there is a disagreement, we'll go with his decision. No room for compromise. No bending on either side, he gets the upper hand.

WTH?

I agree with you here....the way he just outright said it's ultimately his way or the high way, it worrisome.

I don't think you should completely write him off just yet. Paheli gave some excellent practical advice which I think definitely needs to be addressed in your situation.

I come from a home where my ammi was the mother, father, husband, wife, main financial provider for the entire time she and my father were married. She was the sole decision maker and I saw how the stress of not being able to devote her time and energies to more domestic, at home things ripped their marriage apart. It impacted me so much so that I made a conscious decision to marry the type of man who would be more in control when it came to finances in our marriage, a more "traditional" type.

That being said, we have had our hiccups with spending etc, as he is not the spender/shopper I am and especially when I was a SAHM, it could frustrating having to justify every purchase.

Once I was back to earning, I made sure to change up the "ground rules" real fast. In my line of work, there have been times that in 2-3 month period, I have made more than half his salary...but then I may not make anything for the next few months...what we now do, for the sake of both our sanity and household harmony is divide my income into equal parts: "X" amount goes straight to a joint savings account "X" amount I keep in a separate sole account as my money to spend/use as I wish without having to clear it or discuss with him.

As you pointed out, this requires mutually compromise and agreement/respect. If I were you, I would broach this scenario with him and see how he reacts.

And as far as support of your parents goes, this is HUGE in my book as I am one of 3 girls. I'm very lucky that my husband and bro-in-law were very understanding in this regard and cared for and/or provided for my parents just like their own. It never had to be discussed, was just understood.

I really hope IT guy is just putting on a macho front for now and will be open to compromises.

[Maanokhan1991]

@PyariCgudia:9680024

Guy says he will have 75 % weight in decisions and you can have 25%. That he makes the ultimate decisions. That he will make all the financial decisions involving both his money and yours. You’ll bring in double his income but he makes final decisions on the money.

Your response ladies if your man said this to you

I would say him you are looking for a companion or a slave? Not a rational lady would say yes to such kind of a man.

[pinks]

Re: Domination

What people say and what they do are two very different things PCG. Has he ever acted on this so far? Has he ever pushed you around until now?

maybe the opportunity never came up... i mean he'll only have access to PCG's finances after he marries her right? which self respecting man DEMANDS that his wife's finances belong to him and that she seek his permission to spend money she earns? specially given that the OP is sensible in her earnings and has financial responsibility towards others. A man is just out of line to expect/ demand her money.

PCG i'd really take the time needed to think things through. Perform istikhara. Right out pointers on paper and have a lonnnng talk to the dude explaining your point of view. Perhaps you can BOTH come to a solution as to how the finances will be managed post marriage (e.g household bills shared, shared savings and the rest you both get to keep as you wish).

Obviously islamically speaking he has zilch rights over your money and property.

[ShahreyarKhan]

Re: Domination

WOAH, 6 months?!

[PyariCgudia]

Re: Domination

I’ve had a lot on my plate for 6 months, so yes, it’s been a long drawn out process. He hasn’t met my family yet even, because of logistical issues.

He called me just now on the way to jummah. Explained that he was kidding around for most of the conversation and it wasn’t that he will dominate my finances or bully me around or order me what to do on a daily basis.

He stated he wants to be the man of the house, like most desi households. Problem is that his friends keep their wives in line, not letting them work, and dominating over them like they can’t be seen in the living room when friends visit and stuff, and so I just think he has that perception that as a man, he has to be the “man of the house”. He said no decisions will be made unless both of us are comfortable, that he’s not going to impose anything on me.

I was like what the hell was that conversation last night?? Bossing around, and maybe I’ll get an allowance? For a damn purse, that I might buy once every two or three years after mine is falling into pieces? Jeez.

He didn’t remember the bullying bit (sure buddy), and said if he said it, bad choice of words. And he was just teasing about an allowance. He said nothing he said last night he has even thought ahead or planned regarding finances, and that he has no clue yet what we’ll do with our monies, since we’re both broke and in debt anyway.

What a punk.

[PyariCgudia]

Re: Domination

I'm definitely more inclined to do a pre-nup at this point anyway. You never know, one minute they say one thing, then the next something else.

[khattichic]

Re: Domination

@PyariCgudia

I’ve had a lot on my plate for 6 months, so yes, it’s been a long drawn out process. He hasn’t met my family yet even, because of logistical issues.

He called me just now on the way to jummah. Explained that he was kidding around for most of the conversation and it wasn’t that he will dominate my finances or bully me around or order me what to do on a daily basis.

He stated he wants to be the man of the house, like most desi households. Problem is that his friends keep their wives in line, not letting them work, and dominating over them like they can’t be seen in the living room when friends visit and stuff, and so I just think he has that perception that as a man, he has to be the “man of the house”. He said no decisions will be made unless both of us are comfortable, that he’s not going to impose anything on me.

I was like what the hell was that conversation last night?? Bossing around, and maybe I’ll get an allowance? For a damn purse, that I might buy once every two or three years after mine is falling into pieces? Jeez.

He didn’t remember the bullying bit (sure buddy), and said if he said it, bad choice of words. And he was just teasing about an allowance. He said nothing he said last night he has even thought ahead or planned regarding finances, and that he has no clue yet what we’ll do with our monies, since we’re both broke and in debt anyway.

What a punk.

awwww…dheka!

[Aish]

Re: Domination

Looks like his true colors are coming out...

If you've been talking to him for SIX months and he is just coming out and saying this stuff to you now, he knows you're hooked. Be careful.

Talking to someone for six months doesn't guarantee anything. People talk about kids, incomes, careers etc. but after marriage things change. Try to get a general idea of this guys personality, and please don't think he's the last guy on earth who will ever want you or love you. Theres tons of them. Don't worry.

Don't ignore your head for your heart.

[queer]

Re: Domination

either this guy is really dumb or really brave. you could compromise and make it work though. in the end, if he thinks he can spend money in ways you dont approve (and vice versa) and have a happy married life, he's really naive. 75-25, pie charts etc dont work when you have to live with a disgruntled spouse who doesnt respect you.

should have gone for machli, really. but you want the male equivalent of fair n lovely.

[PyariCgudia]

Re: Domination

maybe the opportunity never came up... i mean he'll only have access to PCG's finances after he marries her right? which self respecting man DEMANDS that his wife's finances belong to him and that she seek his permission to spend money she earns? specially given that the OP is sensible in her earnings and has financial responsibility towards others. A man is just out of line to expect/ demand her money.

PCG i'd really take the time needed to think things through. Perform istikhara. Right out pointers on paper and have a lonnnng talk to the dude explaining your point of view. Perhaps you can BOTH come to a solution as to how the finances will be managed post marriage (e.g household bills shared, shared savings and the rest you both get to keep as you wish).

Obviously islamically speaking he has zilch rights over your money and property, but playing the islamic card to convince him in your discussions might be hard if islam was ignored in other aspects of your 6 month relationship.

Excuse me? How was Islam ignored in other aspects of my 6 month relationship?

[redvelvet]

Re: Domination

PCG.....you could end up making your parents more resolute in their doubts/fears about him if you rush to tell them about every disagreement you both have. Wait and sort things out first....as later on you might feel that it was nothing you should have worried them about. You're already dealing with drama from his family and it'll be more work to convince our parents as well should you decide to get married. Plus, it can make interactions between him and your parents awkward if a strong bias is already there. Share issues your parents, but don't rush.

[PyariCgudia]

Re: Domination

maybe the opportunity never came up... i mean he'll only have access to PCG's finances after he marries her right? which self respecting man DEMANDS that his wife's finances belong to him and that she seek his permission to spend money she earns? specially given that the OP is sensible in her earnings and has financial responsibility towards others. A man is just out of line to expect/ demand her money.

PCG i'd really take the time needed to think things through. Perform istikhara. Right out pointers on paper and have a lonnnng talk to the dude explaining your point of view. Perhaps you can BOTH come to a solution as to how the finances will be managed post marriage (e.g household bills shared, shared savings and the rest you both get to keep as you wish).

Obviously islamically speaking he has zilch rights over your money and property, but playing the islamic card to convince him in your discussions might be hard if islam was ignored in other aspects of your 6 month relationship.

Definitely will proceed with caution. It's one thing to say you were joking around. He says 75/25 are just random numbers. Urgh. These are not things to joke about. And even if they're random numbers, why are there numbers in the first place? Jeez. Some things are forgiven forgotten, and some things are just flat out red flags. Not sure if I'm going to keep going with this.

[pinks]

Re: Domination

Excuse me? How was Islam ignored in other aspects of my 6 month relationship?

Check your PM in a bit.

[PyariCgudia]

Re: Domination

When you know you're vulnerable it's better to keep your parents in the loop.

[redvelvet]

Re: Domination

When you know you're vulnerable it's better to keep your parents in the loop.

I get that and you should discuss problems with them...but if u rush to tell them about every single issue or if you're doing more complaining than praising...then u can't blame them if they turn against him...even after you have resolved matters with him.

[Sehrysh]

Re: Domination

@PyariCgudia

I’ve had a lot on my plate for 6 months, so yes, it’s been a long drawn out process. He hasn’t met my family yet even, because of logistical issues.

He called me just now on the way to jummah. Explained that he was kidding around for most of the conversation and it wasn’t that he will dominate my finances or bully me around or order me what to do on a daily basis.

He stated he wants to be the man of the house, like most desi households. Problem is that his friends keep their wives in line, not letting them work, and dominating over them like they can’t be seen in the living room when friends visit and stuff, and so I just think he has that perception that as a man, he has to be the “man of the house”. He said no decisions will be made unless both of us are comfortable, that he’s not going to impose anything on me.

I was like what the hell was that conversation last night?? Bossing around, and maybe I’ll get an allowance? For a damn purse, that I might buy once every two or three years after mine is falling into pieces? Jeez.

He didn’t remember the bullying bit (sure buddy), and said if he said it, bad choice of words. And he was just teasing about an allowance. He said nothing he said last night he has even thought ahead or planned regarding finances, and that he has no clue yet what we’ll do with our monies, since we’re both broke and in debt anyway.

What a punk.

takes a deep breath before typing

First of all, to qualify my advice, I am not suggesting you get married to him because he’s your last best chance at happiness, hell no! Better to be single than married to a turd.

What I am trying to suggest is that you think with reason - think about the positives in a potential relationship and balance it with actual negatives. Do not start to assume things about him. And also be realistic - you cannot create a perfect partner - ask all of the married guppies and guppans. Not one of them can say their partner is perfect. Every individual is flawed, you included. So then, why not think about what’s workable and what’s not workable in a relationship. Think about where and how you can compromise. One more thing, people change over time - some people get better and some don’t. You need to be prepared for you and him to change over the course of a relationship.

As for your mom not liking him, while I think moms have great intuition and I think you should hear her out. But sometimes, moms get it wrong because they’re so sure their child is going to get hurt, they don’t even let them take a chance. Listen to your mom, but make your own decision.