So to save her marriage she needs to sacrifice her parents. Is that what most of the guys here will do? She may not be thinking in such a long term but when her parents are older money and time are literally the only things that can help. Hospital expenses, food expenses, health care expenses will add up. If the guy is willing to give her the promise that he will give time, money and shelter to her parents she cannot any longer because he prefers she stay at home all on a whim then she should consider although I wouldn’t trust any promises made since this one backfired as well.
Nooblet (thats you newbee13) I have decided not to troll you and genuinely aim to address some of your concerns. For that we need some background information.
Why do you wish to get married? You have stated you don’t cook and clean. You don’t plan to help out with any of the work around the house. You specifically wish to maintain your current life style as it is. That means no special time with the in laws to build relationships. No specific time off for his mother visiting. No specific areas for the father in law etc.
This appears to be an arranged marriage situation because you had to clarify a number of issues to the gentleman before the nikkah so its not obvious a marriage where you know the guy.
Thus the question, why do you wish to get married?
I agree with pcg, this is not that big of deal and you two can make it work. If they have servants, why do they need your help, the “servants” can serve you too and you should be quite happy about that.
Anyone who does too much without being appreciated can end up bitter. Why would you want a bitter partner? What would you do in ten years when you realize you should have said no because you don’t like where your compromises and sacrifices have brought you? What then?! Nobody likes to hear long drawn out list of things you have done for your partner. You can’t hold your compromises and sacrifices over anyone’s head. Nothing good comes out of giving up things that are most important to one. It is not necessarily the spouse’s fault either. You should know what you can and cannot compromise. This is not a feminist idea. Her cheez ko aurat ya Mard ka Masla na banaliya Karo. Jeez.
This is the truth. No one gives a hoot about your sacrifices. The harsh reality of this world is people are eager to receive favors and more eager to forget to be grateful. Man by nature is selfish. So being a martyr does no one any favirs- least of all the martyr
This is a big controversy. I remember talking about this issue with my first potential person, and I was literally in tears. I was yelling “why do i have to compromise on everything and you don’t? I have to move to your place, and then you’re saying I can’t even do what I like!!!” I had this vague dream that we would both work, and split the child-rearing. But, five years later, I’m more mature. When you really think about the logistics of it, it is really hard to have a child, your six weeks of maternity leave, and then immediately drop your kid at a daycare and continue working again. And it is my education, incidentally, that tells me how wrong this is for a child trying to develop a secure attachment. It IS really unfair that sometimes the husbands are really dumb compared to their wives, yet their wives have to sacrifice their job. And if they stay home too long, they become less and less valuable in the market. I mean, it would be cool if women got pregnant with daughters, and men got pregnant with sons, and then both men and women could just work 2-3 days a week, so they could each share the home shift. But that’s not how it is…honestly, I love working, and having my own spending money…but the first few years of life are so critical to a child’s development, I think I will sacrifice for my kids, and hope my husband appreciates it and is not cheap with me about spending money.
I know you don’t want to hear this but I believe its my job to put it out there.
You made the choice to marry him and now that you are…you owe it to yourself to make it work. No, its not too late to walk away but it is stupid to walk away without trying. Divorce is no joke and should never be taken lightly.
You are getting married…believe it or not…this is the MOST important decision of your life. If the MOST important decision of your life doesn’t deserve consideration and attention…then you’re simply not ready to take on such a decision.
Your marriage deserves 100% of your focus right now…learning how to work as a couple, living together, etc. All of that is a priority. Yes, it is your responsibility to rearrange your life a bit even if he doesn’t. If you want to have a stand off of “you do it first” then again - you’re not ready to take on such a decision.
Your business will have to come second now. This doesn’t mean it should suffer…it means you will have to rearrange your schedule to make sure you first accommodate your household first in your life. If you cannot rearrange your priorities…then you’re not ready to take on such a decision.
I don’t think your parents will be happy knowing that in order to support them, you rocked the boat in your own home. In fact, it will make them feel terrible - so don’t do it.
When we choose to get married, we choose to mesh our lives with someone else’s. This does not mean that we keep doing what we’re doing and just say hi to the hubby on the weekends and get dressed up for selfies. It means we put another’s wants and desires and needs right along with ours if not before. Your new family unit does come first and everything else does come second. If you keep thinking of “why can’t he does this and why do I have to do it all”…you’re not ready. Your job is to do your best and leave the rest to Allah.
Is sitting at home all alone from 9-5 going to forge a better relationship with her in laws? I have never figured out how that will happen even though it’s a point thrown around a lot in the arguments for stay at home wife thing. There isn’t even an mil in the picture.
Excellent & very practical advice. Wish I could give this a hundred thumbs up!
OP, doesn’t mean you have to give up your job or your parents (your parents should always remain a priority), but your marriage and husband should be your first priority (he should have a similar mindset). So just make it work with him without it affecting your marriage or giving him the perception that a job or your clients come before your marriage. He seems somewhat reasonsable so keep at it. Best of luck!
Yeah and she refused to take his last name it seems which he accepted and convinced his father so he is not completely unreasonable and is doing for her. I don’t know if OP is truly ready for marriage.
About career of women, as long as you dont have children, I dont see any any problem with you following up on what you like doing most as long as you both are okay with the schedules and they dont clash. Because, IMO, mothers must provide all the time they can to their children to provide them with strong foundation, utmost love and care. That is what job of a mother is.
Where I see the problem, in your case, is that you did inform your guy much before hand about your wish to continue your work. He assured you that he would be okay with that. “Why the sudden change?” He should fulfill his word and respect your wish. If he cannot keep one of the first promises he made to you, I view it as dishonesty on your husband’s part.
There is some objective value to perspective. A different perspective of the same problem could force the one asking to look it from different angles. So there is some value to it even when he/she doesnt take the advice.
I think in the very first post OP mentions - I don’t want to set up my own business since it wouod be a competition. And take earnings away from mother and sister. OP also mentioned the business was started by mother or sister.
Granter, OP also stated she is very good at what she does. So if she leaves the business may have a setback. But it Will probably continue to have earnings. looking after parents was one of the reasons OP wanted to continue. At least on that issue, OP does not have to worry. They will be fine.
Agree with rest of the post. If u come home everyday at 4 pm, are hoke weekends, that is PLENTY of family time.
Having said all of that, rishtas may be hard to come by. Putting the practical hat on, do an honest analysis if this situation is par for the course in south asia. It is your life. And life is also about making some cold hard calculations re what is best for YOU.
I get a feeling you’re a guy.. Well are you getting married so you can get a free maid to help around the house and serve you and your family? Or are you looking for a life companion. Someone who is your equal. In education and intellect?
Its not an arranged marriage and I mentioned in the start that I made my husband fully aware of it.
I do wish to spend time with my in laws. The same way as my husband will after his work hours.. Or should my husband be disowned too since he’ll be working and not be home all the time? Alot of women don’t cook it was a requirement some thirty years ago. Now majority works.
OP, one small thing to take into account: this may seem perfectly logical to you and maybe it is, but we aren’t perfectly logical, rational robotic beings, are we? It seems simple to you but if you’re grown up one particular way your whole life, you expect life to be a certain way and not everything is easy to change - is has nothing to do with not being nice and understanding - it just feels weird and wrong.
My advice: do not hate your husband for this. Such inbuilt things aren’t easy to control. Understand his views and slowly slowly try to convince him, through your actions that the two things will not conflict, i.e. you can work and look after the house at the same time and that he is worrying over noting. Once he sees that reality over a decent amount of time, he’ll probably feel better and come round to you position.
The reason I mention, cooking and cleaning is because you are a princess. Most men these days with your supposed lifestyle do help around the house. Moreso that they take an equal share in the responsibilities. If your husband is rich enough to have servants he most likely also has the tarbeyeet to take care of his father himself, where he would do things for him when he is home.
Secondly a life companion is someone you can trust to put the parents needs before her own.
Asking someone to stay with your father is a sign of trust and respect. Its a sign of family. Would you ask some random stranger to help out with your father if needed? Nope. You would ask someone you trust to take good care of your father.
Secondly I am sorry regardless of what your affluence may suggest, servants are paid employees. They do not take care of an aging parent the way family does. If you think otherwise you need some serious help.
And this is certainly not a love marriage, because the simple fact is that you two don’t agree on the most basic issues about family life. Stuff like this is discussed ad nasuem before marriage.
Marriage is about two specific people. You and him. How your sisters business venture where you are an employee factors more importantly in your marriage is beyond me.
Another extremely important point in case of a point where family needs help Pakistani businesses and employers are extremely lax and forgiving. They will give paid time off if a father or mother is sick. So your selfish idea that your customers come first is actually what men do to their wives.
Think of it this way. As a woman you ask your husband to take a few days if required to take care of your aging father or mother and he responds by saying I can’t do so as my work is a bigger priority.
That is life1 drama thread material right there. That is the hypocrisy you all indulge in on a regular basis. If a man would say exactly what you are saying, that his work comes before your parents and their needs, you would all be having a ***** fit now.
ESL classes for you. Read her first post. It says can she take a few days off **if required **to take care of her aging father in law. And the response was nope. It wasn’t 9 to 5. L2R.
