Does a woman's career always come second?

[StrangeOne]

Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?

@Zafra

ESL classes for you. Read her first post. It says can she take a few days off **if required **to take care of her aging father in law. And the response was nope. It wasn’t 9 to 5. L2R.

Best drop the creative writing classes and join ESL classes yourself since the op clearly says all the men are in the office. Did her poor FIL drop out of the men category.

[BruceWayne]

Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?

• Does a woman’s career always come second?
• Yes, in most parts of the world & in most cases, not my opinion, just a fact.

[Paheli00]

Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?

@Zafra

ESL classes for you. Read her first post. It says can she take a few days off **if required **to take care of her aging father in law. And the response was nope. It wasn’t 9 to 5. L2R.

Please let us know exactly what post you got the red part from. I’m putting the quotes OP wrote below.

The “MEN” are in the office. For last 2 YEARS, son/father has been living alone with servants without any problems. MIL lives in another country and visits for 3 months. And for the last 2 YEARS, MIL had no problem staying home by herself during the day while the MEN are at work.

@newbee13

But my husband occasionally suggests that I should stay back home to do work if it requires..and I told him like he is answerable to his boss I am to my customers. And currently he and his dad live alone with servants and everything is well managed since two years…

@newbee13

Even now when she comes she’s alone as the men are in office.. It’s her house after all.

[Southie]

Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?

@Zafra

The reason I mention, cooking and cleaning is because you are a princess. Most men these days with your supposed lifestyle do help around the house. Moreso that they take an equal share in the responsibilities. If your husband is rich enough to have servants he most likely also has the tarbeyeet to take care of his father himself, where he would do things for him when he is home.

Secondly a life companion is someone you can trust to put the parents needs before her own.

Asking someone to stay with your father is a sign of trust and respect. Its a sign of family. Would you ask some random stranger to help out with your father if needed? Nope. You would ask someone you trust to take good care of your father.

Secondly I am sorry regardless of what your affluence may suggest, servants are paid employees. They do not take care of an aging parent the way family does. If you think otherwise you need some serious help.

And this is certainly not a love marriage, because the simple fact is that you two don’t agree on the most basic issues about family life. Stuff like this is discussed ad nasuem before marriage.

Marriage is about two specific people. You and him. How your sisters business venture where you are an employee factors more importantly in your marriage is beyond me.

Another extremely important point in case of a point where family needs help Pakistani businesses and employers are extremely lax and forgiving. They will give paid time off if a father or mother is sick. So your selfish idea that your customers come first is actually what men do to their wives.

Think of it this way. As a woman you ask your husband to take a few days if required to take care of your aging father or mother and he responds by saying I can’t do so as my work is a bigger priority.

That is life1 drama thread material right there. That is the hypocrisy you all indulge in on a regular basis. If a man would say exactly what you are saying, that his work comes before your parents and their needs, you would all be having a ***** fit now.

Looks like you have brought your A game along in making up things.

[Zafra]

Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?

@StrangeOne

Best drop the creative writing classes and join ESL classes yourself since the op clearly says all the men are in the office. Did her poor FIL drop out of the men category.

Hypocrite. I mis read it. happy to admit. Then the question is what is the problem with the notion that she may stay home if need be?

Don’t you all stay at home if required? Response applies to paheli as well

[Paheli00]

Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?

@Zafra

hen the question is what is the problem with the notion that she may stay home if need be?

No…the question is WHY does she need to stay home? Father and son managed perfectly in the last 2 years, and MIL had no problem staying home during the day by herself (with the servants).

@Zafra

Don’t you all stay at home if required?

Of course. If there is some type of urgent situation that requires one person to stay home, then husband and I discuss and decide who is going to stay home based on our schedule. There is not an automatic assumption that I will stay home simply b/c I’m the wife.

So I ask again, if there is a “requirement” that someone needs to stay home during the day, why is there an automatic expectation that is has to be the wife? And why is the guy expecting OP to stay home for 3 MONTHS when his mother comes to visit from abroad…when the mother has done this in the past 2 years without any problems?

BTW, I want to point out that no one is saying that OP can NEVER stay home. As I wrote earlier, if someone is sick, if there were small children in the picture or some type of emergency..that’s a different story. But that is not what OP’s husband is referring to.

[PyariCgudia]

Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?

@Paheli00

Please let us know exactly what post you got the red part from. I’m putting the quotes OP wrote below.

The “MEN” are in the office. For last 2 YEARS, son/father has been living alone with servants without any problems. MIL lives in another country and visits for 3 months. And for the last 2 YEARS, MIL had no problem staying home by herself during the day while the MEN are at work.

Yaar, these people will never get it. The men in this story won’t get it. No one will get it.

Fact is, these are just excuses. They want her to drop the job to show their muscle.

[sweefs]

Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?

^ aw cute, hi pcg

@Reha

OP -

I know you don’t want to hear this but I believe its my job to put it out there.

• You made the choice to marry him and now that you are…you owe it to yourself to make it work. No, its not too late to walk away but it is stupid to walk away without trying. Divorce is no joke and should never be taken lightly.

• You are getting married…believe it or not…this is the MOST important decision of your life. If the MOST important decision of your life doesn’t deserve consideration and attention…then you’re simply not ready to take on such a decision.

• Your marriage deserves 100% of your focus right now…learning how to work as a couple, living together, etc. All of that is a priority. Yes, it is your responsibility to rearrange your life a bit even if he doesn’t. If you want to have a stand off of “you do it first” then again - you’re not ready to take on such a decision.

• Your business will have to come second now. This doesn’t mean it should suffer…it means you will have to rearrange your schedule to make sure you first accommodate your household first in your life. If you cannot rearrange your priorities…then you’re not ready to take on such a decision.

• I don’t think your parents will be happy knowing that in order to support them, you rocked the boat in your own home. In fact, it will make them feel terrible - so don’t do it.

When we choose to get married, we choose to mesh our lives with someone else’s. This does not mean that we keep doing what we’re doing and just say hi to the hubby on the weekends and get dressed up for selfies. It means we put another’s wants and desires and needs right along with ours if not before. Your new family unit does come first and everything else does come second. If you keep thinking of “why can’t he does this and why do I have to do it all”…you’re not ready. Your job is to do your best and leave the rest to Allah.

yeah, this is pretty much exactly it.

not sure why it has to turn into a me vs him thing. in fact, i think he might appreciate if you did adjust a little and could probably make him realise that he should up his game too. don’t you want to look after your husband and fil/mil a little bit instead of having “servants” looking after them? or maybe that’s too much of a traditional concept. working women can have the best of both worlds, it’s just about being smart and organising your time correctly. and don’t keep looking at it as “well i’ve done xyz, and he’s done nothing” and then just boil over about it, address your concerns to him. tell him you’ve made some compromises and you’d like some appreciation or compromises from his end too. bas.

p.s. make sure to say “please and thank you” - that always helps

[Zafra]

Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?

@Paheli00

No…the question is WHY does she need to stay home? Father and son managed perfectly in the last 2 years, and MIL had no problem staying home during the day by herself (with the servants).

Of course. If there is some type of urgent situation that requires one person to stay home, then husband and I discuss and decide who is going to stay home based on our schedule. There is not an automatic assumption that I will stay home simply b/c I’m the wife.

So I ask again, if there is a “requirement” that someone needs to stay home during the day, why is there an automatic expectation that is has to be the wife? And why is the guy expecting OP to stay home for 3 MONTHS when his mother comes to visit from abroad…when the mother has done this in the past 2 years without any problems?

BTW, I want to point out that no one is saying that OP can NEVER stay home. As I wrote earlier, if someone is sick, if there were small children in the picture or some type of emergency..that’s a different story. But that is not what OP’s husband is referring to.

Because you do that as family. That if need be you stay at home for a few hours or a full day.

No where does it state only she will have to do it alone. Talk about insecurities surfacing.

At no point is it stated that she is being asked to do this alone.

[PyariCgudia]

Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?

Hey sweefs

[Paheli00]

Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?

@Zafra

No where does it state only she will have to do it alone. Talk about insecurities surfacing. At no point is it stated that she is being asked to do this alone.

You’re not good with details are you? Read the parts I quoted below from OP. Husband is asking HER to stay home. Show me a single sentence that even hints at the husband willing to stay home himself. In fact, he is asking his wife to stay home alone to “guard” the house…a task currently done by the driver. So if a intruder breaks in…the WIFE is supposed to defend the home? And OP actually wrote that MIL right now stays home alone when she visits which indicates that the son/father does not take off from work when MIL is visiting (Look at the part I quoted in post 63).

I also want you to pay attention to the part in red. OP is at home every weekend, get home at 4:00 on weekdays, and has agreed to take off some time in order to be home with the MIL…just not the entire 3 MONTHS. So its not like OP’s job requires her to spend 60 hours outside the home OR that she’s not willing to be flexible.

BTW, I like how you don’t actually answer any of my questions.

@newbee13

But my husband occasionally suggests that** I **should stay back home to do work if it requires..

@newbee13

He said when his servants are out of city ( currently when servants are out of city they ask their driver to stay as someone has to be home to guard it). And also stay home when his mom visits for three months. I politely told him I’ll take a week off to spend time..then weekends I’m home anyway.. And I get home at 4…He thought I was being too selfish..

[Guppshupper]

Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?

@newbee13

My concern here is that I’m nikkahfied and to be married soon. I asked my husband to clarify to my in laws about my work situation and he did.. They didn’t understand in start but from I’ve heard they’ve come round to it. But my husband occasionally suggests that I should stay back home to do work if it requires..and I told him like he is answerable to his boss I am to my customers. I can’t tel them today I can’t do it. And he should take my work as seriously as his own.** (I earn more than him and I’m very famous for what I do)..**

Everybody seems to have missed this gem.

Its the ego and arrogance of the OP which is making her all bothered and angry. There are a hundred ways to work things out and find some sort of midway. But that is only possible if the issues are not caused out of ego.

Sadly, in this case, nothing is going to work. More so after having all the validation from various folks here. This relationship is destined to doom.

Conclusion: Don’t marry this guy.

[Siren]

Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?

@Zafra

If your husband is rich enough to have servants he most likely also has the tarbeyeet to take care of his father himself, where he would do things for him when he is home.

Agree with most of what you said, but I definitely take exception to the above statement. Wealth is by no means an indication of a person’s mindset/upbringing. You can live in a mansion and still have jaahil mentality.

Also, the following statement…Are you kidding? The parents are to be respected for sure, but I won’t ask my husband to make hard sacrifices just so my folks are not inconvenienced. It has to be a balance between the two.

@Zafra

Secondly a life companion is someone you can trust to put the parents needs before her own.
.

[Zafra]

Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?

@Paheli00

You’re not good with details are you? Read the parts I quoted below from OP. Husband is asking HER to stay home. Show me a single sentence that even hints at the husband willing to stay home himself. In fact, he is asking his wife to stay home alone to “guard” the house…a task currently done by the driver. So if a intruder breaks in…the WIFE is supposed to defend the home? And OP actually wrote that MIL right now stays home alone when she visits which indicates that the son/father does not take off from work when MIL is visiting (Look at the part I quoted in post 63).

I also want you to pay attention to the part in red. OP is at home every weekend, get home at 4:00 on weekdays, and has agreed to take off some time in order to be home with the MIL…just not the entire 3 MONTHS. So its not like OP’s job requires her to spend 60 hours outside the home OR that she’s not willing to be flexible.

BTW, I like how you don’t actually answer any of my questions.

Omission does not mean it does not happen.

You assume based on no evidence that the man will not stay at home. You have already stated you and the husband already choose to see who can do it. So why can’t this couple.

The problem is that you assume only the women will be staying at home. On what basis is this assumption made?