I have a successful home business with my mother and sister. The nature of the business makes it not possible to work from different locations. Also i have alot of experience and skill but opening my own separate business using the same experience would be adding a competitor to the original business. The original was started by my sister not me.. So I don’t want to add branches or divide their profits.
My concern here is that I’m nikkahfied and to be married soon. I asked my husband to clarify to my in laws about my work situation and he did.. They didn’t understand in start but from I’ve heard they’ve come round to it. But my husband occasionally suggests that I should stay back home to do work if it requires..and I told him like he is answerable to his boss I am to my customers. I can’t tel them today I can’t do it. And he should take my work as seriously as his own. (I earn more than him and I’m very famous for what I do).
He refuses to acknowledge it and says it’s my own business I have the liberty to do when I want. I told him that will spoil my reputation and why should I? I told him I’ll work in his office hours.. And currently he and his dad live alone with servants and everything is well managed since two years.. So why would there be a need of me staying back all of a sudden after I’m married? My mother in law and sister in law live abroad due to some issues but they visit twice a year.
Am I unreasonable? Does being married mean it’s my duty to bring everything before my own career? I think my career is as important as his own. And if anyone needs to be handling the house it’s my mil who is in a different country.. It’s not even that important for her to be there.
So your MIL lives in a different country. Your FIL and husband has been living alone for 2 years with servants without any problems. When your husband made the comment about your saying back to do work “if it requires”, did you ask him what work would require your presence b/c the servants have been doing everything for 2 years? Are the planning on firing one of the servants or something?
As for you, I do not think you’re being unreasonable given this situation. I could understand your husband’s expectation if his mother was elderly and was having a hard time doing everything in the house by herself, they did not have hired help, or if you two had children. But given the specific situation (MIL lives in another country), and the fact that your husband/FIL has been doing fine for 2 YEARS with the servants, I think it’s ridiculous for him to expect that you stay home to “do work if it requires”.
BTW, its too late now but you really should have discussed and figured this out BEFORE the nikah. For women like you (and me), choosing a husband who actually has respect for the work we do makes a big difference.
Yes I did. He said when his servants are out of city ( currently when servants are out of city they ask their driver to stay as someone has to be home to guard it)
I told him my work is much more important than this.. And how can I guard a house? And also stay home when his mom visits for three months. I politely told him I’ll take a week off to spend time..then weekends I’m home anyway.. And I get home at 4.. So this is fine.. Just like you have to work when your mom’s visiting. I will too.. He thought I was being too selfish..
In Pakistan somehow in laws are doing totally fine on their own and when a baho comes they expect her to take all the responsibility.. Anyway I made it clear before nikkah to my husband.. He told me asking his parents directly by my parents would be offensive. I made it very clear that he has cooks and maids and all so u won’t be cooking cleaning as I don’t even know how to. So no one can say I’ve changed. I’m not ghar ailo person. I love my work it makes me happy and very independent.
My parents also don’t really have a good source of income so most of what I earn I give it to them. As we have no bothers k believe it’s us sisters pure duty to do so.
I just called my husband and told him it breaks my heart to see him not support me. I’ve supported him through thick and thin.. Now this is for me? He said he understands and want some to work. I just don’t understand .why is it a question if a woman would continue working post marriage.? Why doesn’t anyone ask the guy the same thing?
So who has been staying home when his servants go out of the city for the last 2 years?
Umm…who has been staying with her during the day during those 3 months in the past?
Your husband is the one being selfish in my opinion. He’s actually being ridiculous. I don’t live with my in-laws but when they come to visit us, my rule is that my husband, since he is their biological son, should spent equal, if not MORE time with them. After all, they coming to us b/c of their son, not me. If you’re home from work around 4:00 and plan on staying home on the weekends, that’s more than enough time for your MIL when she’s only there visiting. And assuming she’s coming to visit her husband and her son, it selfish for your husband/FIL not to take off work to spend time with her. Besides, I’m sure MIL has other family members/friends she can visit/catch up with in order to pass her time.
I also do not have brothers and this is one of the reasons I’m passionate about earning money…so I can take care of my parents when they need it. Your husband is resorting to emotional arguments in order to get you to do this but he’s being unreasonable. His behavior is showing a complete lack of respect for your work.
By the way, the reason desis have this expectation and double standard is b/c women stay quiet and simply do what’s asked/told of them instead of standing up for what they want. Women have a tendency to give into ridiculous expectations like this b/c they don’t like to argue/cause tension, and feel bad due to the emotional blackmail. Of course, this gives the impression to the men and others that their demands are perfectly reasonable.
Looks like you guys disagree on the fundamentals. This is not good. Already sense a lot of frustration in your posts. Imagine what it will be a few years from now. If you talked to your husband about all this before the nikah and he agreed and now he is turning away from it, you should walk away. Don’t think it is too late for it. He should find a stay-at-home wife and you need someone to support your career.
I don’t think anyone here in your situation is being unreasonable. Your point of view and your husband to-bes point of view are both reasonable. However, you MUST acknowledge and realize that it is your MARRIAGE that deserves the time and effort in the first few years as well. Minor, or short-term sacrifices in the first few years will seriously go a long way and in the end you would have only gained. You potential losses are more out of fear and anxiety.
The guy will most likely throw all the load of housework on your head. Dealing with servants, keeping the budget, making food when cooks are away( It is a freaking nightmare and I have no idea how my mother does it). I bet he dreams of you making delicious handi after handi with gol gol roti. The unfortunate truth is most working women I know end up doing both. They work 9-5 and do choola handi as well not to forget kids (even with servants if you turn your back for a second you’ll run out of all food in seconds). If these women complain about it they’re told to leave work. No one else will lift a finger to press their own clothes or get a glass of water on their own. So prepare yourself for a tough life ahead. Do not let him kick out any servants after you get married. That’s a popular strategy among sleazy inlaws.
So if both the husband and wife are reasonable, why don’t BOTH make the sacrifice? Only the wife here is being asked to change her work schedule. Shouldn’t the husband “MUST acknowledge and realize” that his marriage “deserves the time and effort” in the first few years?
OP would be losing money that goes towards helping her poor parents. What would the husband be losing if she continues her current schedule?
I wouldn’t call the ability to earn and be financially independent a minor thing at all and it’s not that when she’s working she can’t still put time and effort into her marriage as well..
OP, if you really want to carry on working this needs to be ironed out properly..
Totally agree with Paheli’s comment about girls allowing others to make them “compromise” (sacrifice would be a better word imo) so people start to think it’s normal and reasonable.. In our family being able to work or study after marriage is non-negotiable as it can make such a huge difference to a girl’s quality of life and how her future turns out..
She needs to ask him if he’s going to compensate with the exact amount of money she’s losing into a retirement fund for her parents. This is more than just her right to work but also her right to keep her parents financially afloat. Just because they’re parents of daughters doesn’t mean they have to struggle financially after they get married.
its not a foolish “MAN vs WOMEN” no-good reason debate. This woman asked for advice, not the best egotistical feminist thing to do. So, whatever arrangement “works” for her specific marriage and family, she must do her part. We all can only worry about doing OUR part, and OUR way of thinking. We can’t control someone else.
I come from a family where women of all generations and men are just as highly educated, independent in every sense of the word (rich or poor both). They never saw the world as “man vs women” and never insisted on viewing all challenges as a fight of sexes. They were also wise women. I understand not a lot of people share that family background and come from rather narrow and intellectually humbling “new found” freedoms.
Pcg of 5 yrs ago would say break the Nikkah and walk. PCG of today says, stay wise and make it work. After marriage if requests are made that are too much you say its not possible, help the family figure out a solution if this means hiring some help yourself and keep the husband on the lease with positive/negative reinforcement. He makes you angry enough, you’ll have a headache that night and he will get silent treatment. First 2-3 yrs you are training him. Will there be fights yes. But you leave and go for someone else there will be fights too. He is standing his ground now so you state your mind to him and his parents directly with your family in a meeting and stand your ground. They don’t like it let them walk, but be reasonable and openly communicate to them about your plans. Yes, your parents have to call his parents and be direct about this topic.
Sucks but sometimes nikkahs end over these things but If this is that important to you, then you need to make a choice.
Do not expect they will let you do what you want after marriage. Only way to deal with it after marriage is state : I’m going to work now, bye. They can scream yell get upset whatever but if you can find a solution for them then they will learn to adjust. Ex. Oh you need someone to iron all these clothes? Great we will pay servant from next door to come here and get that done for you. I’m going off to take cAre of my work and customers, see us at 6 pm for dinner. Dinner will be ready by other servant. Ok thanks bye !
What are they going to do? Argue right? Ignore them, smile, walk out the door , pat them on the back and give them a glass of cold water.
90 percent is their ego. Learn to stroke it right and you’ll be in the clear.
Newbee, that answer to these questions has been perfectly stated below. Women “must to her part” and follow “whatever arrangement” works for her marriage family. We are expected to change how we do things, change our way of thinking because after all, we can’t control what other people do. To stand up to this view and challenge it by asking questions and expecting a logical answer is a egotistical feminist thing to do.
In order to be a “wise woman”, we just need to be good wives and quietly make whatever sacrifices necessary. The heck with our opinions or thoughts on what WE want/feel is best for the marriage/family. For us to use our brains and wanting a logical/fair treatment means we’ve come across “narrow and intellectually humbling” freedoms.
