Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?
look at the plus side - your mil only visits twice a year, yet you get to claim you are living with your in laws.
as for the topic, get one more servant to cover for the missing ones. you can pay the new one since you make more etc.
Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?
This will back fire, IMHO. This means she is accepting the change forced upon her. She is at a point where she can afford to stand up and draw a line. Most likely the mere threat of walking away will set her husband right and he will know where that line is. If he doubles down, then it is better to walk away, coz this is the first of many such confrontations.
Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?
the only person being unreasonable here is him. and the girl is perfectly within her rights to continue working after marriage if she wants however you should have made this all very clear to him BEFORE marriage so that he can’t question you about it now. doesn’t matter, marriage is not all about what he wants ok. you want to carry on working, carry on. he is just being selfish because he wants a rich wife who is also a good liitle housewife
be the strong woman and stick to your guns! he’ll eventually learn. if you give in now he will always try to change you
Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?
All the best BigdaNawab :k:
Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?
Thank you everyone. This is indeed a very good debate.. I understand all that’s said above and I don’t believe in being submissive. I have from the start taken a stand. Like after nikkah my father in law told me to change my name. I refused up front. He insisted and I stayed quiet and my husband spoke to my fil that he gave me the permission and the matter was solved. So I know hard times will come.. They come to everyone in different shapes and ways. My husband is a good humble man.. I guess he just somehow wants that I’m a good daughter in law.. ( my elder bhabhi is horrible) and he says his mother will be coming to meet me.
Even now when she comes she’s alone as the men are in office.. It’s her house after all.
But ladies and men here.. You would know how to tackle such situations.. How do I make him agree to things? I’ve seen women with the magical powers to convince husbands even for the wrong things. So how do I make him do the right? Is it to complain less?
Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?
I have made many compromises in my marriage and all I got to hear at the end, “I could have done it without you.” If I could turn back time, I would never make any of the sacrifices I have made. All it has done is make me a really bitter and lonely person. Still doing everything I have done from day one and still hate it. I hate everyone because of it too. Hehe. Lol. FML.
Don’t do it.
Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?
Be polite but don’t back down.. Don’t keep quiet and just assume everything is ok cause more likely than not he will just think you’ve decided to back down and “compromise” (urgh really starting to hate that word) for him..
Remind him how having a happy wife benefits him as well and how you’ll show your appreciation 
Show him that it’s in his best interests as well.. Why would he want a lonely miserable wife over a happy confident one?
Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?
Yeah seriously, a lot of feminist-centric advice in this thread–these kind of thoughts are relationship ending. I don’t know how old some of these posters are but they view everything in a one dimensional manner: husband vs. wife. And that a woman should not ever sacrifice for her husband and if a man asks her to sacrifice something for the relationship he’s automatically controlling or a bad man. It’s really relationship destroying mindsets. Husband and wife should be on the same team, compromise and sacrifice is not a bad thing if you’re doing it for the best of your marriage and relationship. Its going to be inherent in every marriage–one of the individuals will have to compromise and sacrifice at times. Sometimes have to give up certain things for the sake of marriage. And yes ideally it should be balanced but it may not always be and thats OK. Marriage and relationships arent a game or competition where if one sacrifices you have to ask but what are you sacrificing for me?? Its really selfish thinking and destroys relationships. Imagine your mom saying that to her husband every time she does something for him at expense of something she wanted to do. Or vice versa.
OP, you’re not being unreasonable and neither is your fiance. Its not about who is right and who is wrong. Ideally, these things really should have been discussed before nikkah. If he changed his mind after initially reassuring you that you would be able to work then yeah he is doing you wrong and that wasn’t fair to you.
You need to figure out what your priorities are–1. Marriage with this man or 2. Your job. Which one is most important to you? If hypothetically, you had to give up one which one would it be? If number 2 is a bigger priority at this stage of your life, then don’t marry yet, you’re not ready for marriage, there are going to be a lot of issues going forward and it won’t be worth it for you. If your husband and your relationship and marriage are your priority, then try to come up with a compromise and solution that would address both your and your hubands concerns–tell him to meet you half way and be more understanding. Dont be confrontational or give your husband the perception that a job is more importsnt than your marriage. Try to avoid saying that your clients are very important to you and you must do it for them–it comes off as though others are more important than your own husband. Perception is key. Listen and validate whatever concerns he has in order show him you understand him and you will try to addrrss his concerns–this isnt a sign of weakness, you and your husband are on the same team. What exactly are his concerns about you working? Just someone being at home to guard the house? But then ask him to listen to your concerns about your job and why you need to work and what would happen if you didn’t work while framing things in the context of your marriage. Ask him if he would be willing to be an amazing son in law and support his in laws monetarily if he won’t let you work–tell him you wouldn’t want to put that burden on him which is why you wanted to work to save your husband the trouble from from having to support your parents. You’re basically SHOWing him that he will remain your priority even over the job while getting what you want. These little things and how you phrase them go a long way in a relationship. Try to take a balanced conciliatory approach to this rather than “omg can’t believe this man is making you sacrifice, don’t it for him..don’t show him you’re submissive..but what is he sacrificing for you etc etc” responses you have gotten–that is not productive and wont solve anything and makes it worse for both of you. If he still doesn’t budge and says its his way or no way (which doesnt sound like it considering he is perfectly okay with you not taking his last name–many pakistani men would not be okay with that, he seems to be somewhat understanding) and if you don’t want to budge either then don’t marry him. Focus on your job if that is more important at this stage of your life and ideally find a guy who will let you work.
And when your husband does in fact compromise for you like he already has (and stood up to his own father for you) with you not taking his last name, then appreciate such gestures and shower him with love. It’s positive reinforcement and will help with future compromises.
Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?
Terrible interpretation of BigdaNawabs post..
No one on this forum is saying that..
Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?
You did the right thing with trying to convince your husband for your job but don’t always feel the need to take a stand with your husband just because you want to prove you are not submissive. Remember you two are on the same side. Its not you vs. him and his family. They are your family too (and I hope your husband considers your parents his family), not your enemies so choose your battles wisely. Otherwise you’re going to make your life unnecessarily miserable if you always feel the need to take a stand just to prove you’re not submissive. Feeling entitled whether it’s husband or wife is a sure way to ruin a relationship. (And no I’m not saying be submissive all the time, just saying don’t be confrontational on every little thing either, don’t try to over compensate thinking you have to prove something and ruin your relationship in the process).
Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?
I love the nature of advice and absolute lack of compromise here. Well done missy, you shall be divorced in a few years if you listen to life 1.
Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?
Well single guy…some of the women posters on this thread who agree with me have been married for several years (including myself). Actually, I believe at least 2 of the women have multiple children even. I’m not sure about you but the marriage advice given out by me (and several other regular female posters on this forum) actually comes from personal experience. So while you and other men may think that our advice it going to lead to OP divorcing…somehow it seems to be working fine in our marriages. Maybe the desi men we’re married to are a special breed. 
LOL…actually BigdaNawab and another poster criticized my interpretation before this but yea…if saying it directly made you feel better, then I’m happy for you. 
Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?
And personal experience is the most horrendous source of advice. As it doesn’t include family nuances, cultural sensitivities and so much more. Nadz is a perfect example of how Life 1 advice ruins relationships.
Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?
Oh come on now…let’s not make up outright lies to defend our views. Your statement implies Nadz actually followed any advice Life1 gave her. 
Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?
Lol no need to get personal, moderator. My reply wasnt a personal attack, just didn’t agree with your intrepretation. And you have marriage experience but should tone down the anti-male or anti-husband or “dont sacrifice for your husband” rhetoric (you’ve done it in multiple threads)..call people out when they say only women should sacrifice and men shouldnt but otherwise it’s counter-productive and not practical advice to the realities of most relationships..better to focus on compromising solutions no?
Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?
A more careful reading of the initial post, would have saved you a couple of paragraphs. Per OP, these things were discussed and the husband agreed to let her continue. Now he is changing his tune. That is the reason she needs to stand up to him.
Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?
True. But advice is just that: advice. The person who receives it needs to evaluate it in the light of said nuances and sensitivities.
Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?
We have been listening to Nadz’s story since 2005 or 6. Yes she listened to the advice in the start thus all the drama.
Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?
Circumstances can change over time in real life. If he is purposefully deceiving her then yeah she needs to call him out. If his reasons are legit for changing his mind, yes it is unfair to OP but can still take a compromising tone to all this–“stand up to him” just has a negative connotation. The way some of the posters talk it’s like she needs to go full out offensive warfare against her husband and his family to fight for her rights and freedom lol. Yes she will get her “freedom” but will destroy her relationship in the process. Better to take a conciliatory approach to this–she’ll hopefully get her way and keep her marriage.
Re: Does a woman’s career always come second?
Yes and thus it has no objective value so it can’t be better or worse than anybody else’s. Just because you are married with multiple kids does not make your advice better.