In the desi culture , which highly looks down upon divorced women, I want to know what a divorced man goes through. Why is he accepted so easily and can get remarried with so much ease?
Someone who knows the desi culture , please explain the factors behind this phenomenon.
Re: Divorced men ..
Divorced men are not desired by any means, they too are looked down upon.
But, money speaks louder than words.
The ability to provide is one of important aspects looked for in a man, and with economy in shambles, the pool of single well earning men has shrunk significantly. Most of the single men in marriageable age are still doing internships or trainings or startup jobs. This gives divorced men a better chance.
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It goes like this..
STAGE 1: Immediate sympathy. Compassion. “Awe hye, I’m so sorry you had to go thru this..”
STAGE 2: Brows up, Mean eyes stare, “There gotto be something wrong with this guy..”
STAGE 3: Deeper grilling, Infra-red X-ray scrutiny, a non-ending sequel of judgments. Damn these men..
And hence it remains a taboo
Re: Divorced men ..
Well desi culture look down upon men too who are divorced, its just they get to marry those girls from village who are young, not that educated & their parents just marry them off without even thinking why they are doing this just because they want to label their daughter as married & she will eat 2 waqt ka khana (which she obviously eats at her parents place too) & saying “hum ne apna farz ada kar diya”… I mean like seriously!!! this is not farz ada karna, this is just throwing you daughter into ****.
Sometimes I wonder what goes on in desi’s minds when they do such ridiculous things. Do they even think before doing anything?
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It helps having a western counries passport as well for both genders.
Otherwise the girl needs to bepretty or no takers.
Besides, more females i think always keep saying NO to remarriage, cuz of whatever 1st marriage (whether it was good or bad).
Whereas men are more likely to say yes quicker than females.
Finances play a big role as well. It the guy is welloff or decent lifestyle, there are many many more girls available suddenly. Not just divorcees but even unmarried/singles. Population is huge that’s why.
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Parents should raise their girls to be financially, emotionally, physically independent. When you are strong the world kneels before you. If the divorced girls are strong and confident sometimes they get much better husbands second time around. My sis from cali was telling us about this gorgeous girl who was married to a fairly well off guy but he was abusive, her second husband is a millionaire, handsome and sends a maid with her when she comes back to visit LA.
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lol what the hell is “physically independent”? The thing is when a calamity comes, it will come no matter how much financially, emotionally & “physically independent” you are.
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I’d like clarification on what is meant by “physically independent” as well… other than that, I agree with your first sentence wholeheartedly. I was very fortunate to be in the financial position to leave without fear of a massive fallout in that regard and have the emotional wherewithal to pull myself up by my bootstraps. I can’t fathom what women who do not have the means to leave go through.
OP while I don’t think it’s a cake-walk for the guys, the reality is, in most cases, men make more than women and have more of an uninterrupted career trajectory. Money talks… as @Iconoclast (have I told you how much I love your username by the way!) pointed out above.
I have fully accepted the potential reality that I might never get married again because our respective cultures have a “damaged goods” view of divorce. C’est la guerre.
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There is some physical strength needed in day to day life, I have seen some sheltered girls who can’t open a jar, living independently can mean mowing, shoveling, painting fixing things changing tires etc, maybe mom wants to take kids camping etc.. I am a total believer of gender neutrality and girls should increase physical strength I am not sure what is meant by calamity, divorce now is hardly a calamity
Re: Divorced men ..
From what I have seen
None of the divorced men I know of are taking care of their kids financially nor share custody. Apart from one none of them bothered to even keep in touch with their kids,so it’s like they wipe the slate clean and consider themselves in a position to start all over again with zero baggage.
In most of the cases the immediate families of divorced men are supportive of them remarrying and actively look for rishtas. This isn’t the case with divorced females where it’s assumed they should focus only on raising their kids.
The desi cultures obsession with female virginity! Just because the hymen isn’t intact over rides all other good qualities and renders the females as damaged goods. No one thinks of divorced men the same way.
I live in Pakistan ,things might be different in the west.
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Physical structure of a female is different than males, we all know that & it is not designed to do heavy duty stuff (there might be some females who could just like there are some males who cant). We all need each other at the end of the day, its common sense. You can’t just master every art out there & then isolate yourself & say I don’t “need” anyone. I think people should snap out of it & accept the reality that both genders need each other.
And I am not a believer of gender neutrality.
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We don’t chose changes in society all we can do is navigate and try to thrive in changes, we have female athletes in our team and they can run faster and longer than most desi men, the do chin ups and lift weights etc. When I had my mishap on highway three police cruisers came rushing and all were driven by female cops, strong, erect, confident with guns in holsters. I sell to scores of females and none of them seem to need males for survival.
My x is still single, living in the home we built together and shovels, mows, paints, fixes n all. Without having all life skills, life can be tough, I thaught my boys to cook and clean. There are more single family households now then couples.
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Maybe cause men don’t have attachment issues and don’t hate all women cause of one bad experience while women might sulk for a long time and generalize all men cause of a few bad experiences. Another reason might be cause men normally get removed from the family after a divorce, they aren’t allowed to see their kids, so they may feel the need to start a new family. Men don’t abandon their kids, they get removed from their kids.
lol, I have no experience but I saw a youtube video about this.
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This is not an accurate statement.
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What you think the reason is?
The physiology of women’s design is not designed for rough sports like you mentioned. Young girls who choose to play rough sports have more sports related injuries which actually relate to their physical structure. If you take a look at the basic bone structure of men & basic bone structure of women, there is a huge difference in knees of men & knees of women, female hips are different than male hips. So there is a physical difference, accept it. Now Obviously there are certain woman who are strong & there are certain men who are weak, so there is that.
People like you have developed this culture of outward overachievement which is not doing any good but harm to the society as you mentioned there are more single family households then couples.
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I mean physical strength to do daily tasks, we are a lot stronger than we think, in Pak I was an engineer and a lot of these rangar women would do hard labor at pouring concrete. Of course there is physiological differences but a woman is not so weak to depend on a man . When I go hiking I see scores of females hike up with heavy bags and sometimes their partners are not carrying the load. Most of the girls here at work can lift boxes of supplies and stuff and help move a couch, table etc. What is encouraged here is don’t worry about things you cant change, I cant change society so I will give my kids the skills to thrive in this society. Many strong, smart, financially successful women I see are way more satisfied with their lives compared to some oppressed abused married woman. Because of guys loke me women have greater rights here and enjoy great freedoms and success in life.
There are more single houses here because women don’t need to put up with chit, a gori would not put up with a hundredth of chit I read on this forum. A single Taana from saasu jaan and saasu will be on the street.
Also divorce rate in muslims in USA is around 50 percent so really muslim women here are refusing to accept bs also..
So how is the underachievement culture better?
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I have been divorcee guy 3 yrs back. And now re-married 7 months ago here in Canada. Alhamdullilah..my experience in regards to looking for rishtas have been positive. Met great single or divorced potentials…gone through same sort of traditional culture stuff when looking. Finally found one. She never judged me based on my past…so it worked out great.
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Personally I wouldn’t have any problem marrying a divorced woman if she was the right person.
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It is wonderful to hear a positive experience like yours. Congratulations!
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And I think generally (not always), divorcee men and women iin desi culture end up with the same fate, with the exception of one step only:
i.e. Divorcee men get rejected AFTER consideration..
While women with the same status get rejected before..
To me, it’ll take around 10+ years for our people to start taking it NOT as a taboo.