There is another problem in our culture, most males want a virgin, that is another reason a divorced female will be looked down upon. Also they fear a female strong enough to leave a nasty husband, if she is the one who left him. They often want someone they can controll and a woman leaving her husband of course can’t be controlled. But a female who was left by her husband also has difficulties, then people blame her.
A lot depends on your family, on family friends, etc. Nowadays a lot is changing. More often than not a divorced female has a second marriage too. I myself am divorced. I was married and divorced young and raised my children alone. I opted to remain single and plan to die single. It’s also about what you want and what you need, not just how society feels about you.
Right there with you. Particularly the bolded. It doesn’t matter that my former husband was my only or that the reasons for divorce were fully valid from religious and societal views… that scarlet letter remains.
Almost all of my kids friends are not with their biological fathers and what I have heard is that the new husband/father is way better than the first. I think we should not think this way. My youngest sis was divorced and her husband is the best husband/father I know. My wife had been in severely abusive situation before and thanks goodness to the beautiful angels in Montreal who surrounded her and protected her from the monsters, a few Jewish girls, she still talks about all the time. None of my nephews take divorce as negative also and my boys also don’t take past relationships into the equation.
My husband and I are both divorcees and I must say our parents didn’t once hold our divorces against us. I think they had one conversation about the reasons behind the divorce when they first met (mainly the mothers to lighten their hearts more than anything) and that was it. Even our families/friends embraced our marriage as if it was our first.
To be honest when I got divorced I was terrified of having that ‘label’ and ‘stigma’ put on me, but I received a lot of support from friends and family alike. I was very vocal about my divorce and the reasons behind it, always honest about what happened, about how I tried to make it work for so long and what my mistakes were throughout. If anyone ever gave me any nonsense I’d discuss rather than argue, and 9/10 times they’d apologise.
I think that’s where a lot of women go wrong. They allow themselves to be talked about in a bad light, they don’t talk about what happened so a lot of bad is said about them which makes the process of moving on harder.
I wonder if when it’s two divorcees it’s an easier process?
I’ve never seen or heard desi people say something negative directly to a divorcee, it’s always behind her back so how would you know to whom you need to direct your discussion to because they’re always “sweetoo sweetoo” in front of her face.
That is an important point. And another problem in our culture. females often have to remain quiet about what happened to them. It is frowned upon in my family and amonst pakistani family friends whenever a female opens her mouth about her marriage troubles. They say you have to do sabr and remain quiet.
It’s ridiculous how this issue is treated. Especially when females talk about it. I was never allowed to tell people I had left my husband. We would tell people I was just here with his permission. My parents wouldn’t allow me to even tell my friends, not even my Dutch or British friends who weren’t even from Pakistani origin.
They say a good woman won’t spill the beans. Perhaps it’s time to change that.
While they’re being ‘sweetoo sweetoo’ they will always add a comment. Something along the lines of ‘well maybe you should have done this’ or ‘well if it was our child we would have done this’. It’s always a backhanded comment, showing concern yet adding their little piece to it too.
In my situation I didn’t share my issues with anyone until it was needed. I always put on a happy face when I was back in town so my parents/family/friends had no idea how unhappy I was or what I was going through. I guess that’s why a lot of people had questions when it did end. So rather than get upset or angry when people passed comments I just addressed what they were saying with the truth. I’m not one to put a ‘parda’ on, regardless of who it is.
Well it’s good that you were able to explain yourself. My aunt is a staunch believer in “you only get married once” and she says it like we already should know it to be right. A very big gossip so most of her knowledge about people is hearsay rather than the actual truth so she would never talk much directly to a divorcee. She would talk to everybody except her about her.
While I acknowledge many women are genuine victims but not all. We’ve all seen cases where the woman or her family demanded complete humiliation and surrender of the husband. If he surrenders, fine. Otherwise they end things and makeup some stories to satisfy their guilty conscience. Some girls are so lacking in wifely qualities that if you ask their own brothers(given they are being honest) about marrying a girl with similar qualities, they would not. This is not some desi vs Western thing, this is universal. Qualities men look for in a girlfriend or short term relationship are very different compared to qualities they look for in a wife.
I once asked my wife’s brother if he would ever tolerate such disrespect from his wife what her sister dishes out at me and his unequivocal response was, “No”.
Marrying the right person is the most important decision of your life, and probably the easiest to go wrong. Marriage is no bed of roses, it takes patience, tolerance, mutual understanding and respect on both sides to make it work.
Absolutely no disrespect to anyone, but Its a norm to put all the blame on men while conveniently ignoring the section of women who lie through their teeth and just dont get exposed cuz either their men put a blind eye on them or slide it under the carpet considering it a moral requirement. Time to talk about the evil in both camps when we agree on gender equality.
And if someone thinks that there are no such women, they live in lala land.
I think people like this need to be called out. Shut down the rumour mill and that’s at least a fraction of the problem solved. If they’re left to continue their nonsense without being confronted you best believe they’ll never stop.
Agreed. But another important point to raise here is when a man stays quiet, regardless of whether he was in the right or wrong, it is generally assumed he was in the right. Like you said, he’s staying quiet out of moral obligation. A lot of men brush things under the carpet because they know their own actions were despicable too. So it’s best to not speak about them at all.
Whereas if a woman stays quiet, it’s assumed she has something to hide and therefore was wrong and the blame is put on her.
This again works both ways. I often challenge my brothers when it comes to how they treat their wives. Alhamdulillah they are very good husbands but certain aspects can definitely be worked on. I wouldn’t tolerate such behaviour from my own husband.
