Sophia, if your friend is absolutely unwilling to tell her family or anyone else for that matter (and I really recommend she does tell), there is a way to get back at that guy.
Your friend needs to send an anonymous letter to the wife in UK, letting her know that her husband tried to rape her. Your friend shouldn't reveal her identity in the letter, instead ask the wife -this is key- not to tell her husband that she knows about the attempted rape for **fear **that her husband will know the girl the letter came from and make her face repercussions back home.
Obviously your friend should describe the attempted rape and the guy in vivid terms so that the wife doesn't dismiss the letter offhand. Now because the letter told her not to reveal anything, the whole thing will gnaw at the wife, first she'll probably refuse to believe letter's contents, but the suspicion will eventually force her to confront her husband. In that case, the husband might figure out that your friend sent the letter, but at this point sometime will have passed, and your friend can easily deny everything if it gets back.
I can't speak for the wife, but there is a high likelihood that she will seek divorce. Even with family pressure, its going to be hard to convince someone to stay with a rapist.
If the wife spreads the news about what her husband has done (and trust me she will want to for the same reasons described in the thread,) the guy's future will be ruined and there's a good chance other girls in the family wont have to undergo what your friend has.
Please please please tell the parents. I don't care what others have to say but I can tell you that her parents need to warn other people in the family without disclosing what happened with their daughter. For the longest time me and my sister knew this one uncle of ours was the biggest A-hole but we kept our mouth shut because hey we were always told to respect elders and umm he didn't hurt us right. Wrong... when we moved to a different place, we finally gathered courage to tell our mom that he is just plain weird. And I can't tell you how happy we were that now someone knows who is going to take care of this jerk. She rang up everyone in the family and warned everyone. There is no one better than our parents to go to who comfort us and take care of the matter. Your friend needs to not do anything but tell her parents and tell them to take care of the jerk. If she has a brother... tell the brother please.
Oh and this one time one of my aunt was visiting Pakistan from the U.S. A random guy tried to grope her, she took her jooti off and started hitting and slapping the guy.. lol.. he ran from there.
Oh and this one time one of my aunt was visiting Pakistan from the U.S. A random guy tried to grope her, she took her jooti off and started hitting and slapping the guy.. lol.. he ran from there.
My mother kicked a man...yes literally kicked a man in the middle of the bazaar because he tried to touch her inappropriately.
Women need to be taught from a young age that it is NOT okay for anyone to take advantage of them and it is definitely not their fault when and if it does happen.
After reading some of the replies here that are logical and make sense, I realized that I was totally wrong when I said that she shouldn't tell her parents straightaway. Even though calling them straightway herself and disclosing it herself to her parents might not be appropriate.
OP, as she suspects and isn't sure how her parents would respond, could you kindly do her a favor by giving her parents a bit of shock treatment just to raise the level of her love in their heart to the maximum limits, so instead of suspecting her (as you mentioned, she fears that) they would have a soft corner for her in their heart, getting mentally prepared to do anything to save her life.
Call her parents, tell them that their daughter has gone through a very serious tragic incident that could have easily taken her life. They should immediately offer shukrana nafil that she is still alive. She is in a state of intense depression/shock and if she isn't given love, support and sympathy immediately, she might even commit suicide (Allah forbid). You are calling on her behalf as she doesn't have the courage to talk to/face you and fears your anger/depression/misjudgment, even though it was not her fault. SHE WAS TRAPPED! Don't tell any of your relative (at least for now) because then she might get an emotional collapse because at this delicate stage, she might not want others to know about her incident. You are her parents, no one can be more sincere to her than you, so she feels that only you deserve to know about it. Please arrange a private counselor/ psychiatrist /scholar who can talk to her, encourage her and inculcate a wish of 'hoping to live again' in her. (The rest she might reveal once she is admitted and is comfortable that her parents wouldn't misjudge her in this matter).
Again, I might be totally wrong (as I was before). Hopefully it works, InshaAllah.
Really tell her parents and specially if she knows her parents are the kind who trust her and not the sorts who wud flip their lid and get crossed with their daughter. Secondly calling the guys wife in uk isn't so sensible. Cuz that way they cud cook up some rubbish stories about the girls character like her having designs on him and now creating stories about him.
She should tell her mother first obviously cuz such things could be shared with mom first and then mom cud tell the father. In pak for such cases approaching police is so useless.
What ever happened is so sad but this man should be fixed in some way.
and honestly in pak for such ppl get some gundas hired and have them beaten up well.
Someone mentioned InshAllah she will find sabar after some time, ireally hope so, but even for that sort of zulam when does our religion tell us to sit in silence.
But seriously it's so terrible in pak , even if parents believe their daughter, the relatives when told such story, always cook up such trash. And sort of label the victim as some gandi makhlooq. But i would still say if you are at just u shouldnt really fear such nonsense response.
Tell the parents
Tell the wife
Warning everyone so no other girl should go through this
Tell the police
Talk to a counsellor
Take revenge
Get him punished
Get him punished according to shariah(like someone here mentioned-stoning to death)
So easily said then done. Before someone decides to knock some sense into me like they wanted to do with RAW let me tell u that iv been in the same situation as the girl and I live in Pakistan so I know what type of sh*tty society we have here in pak.
1.talking to a counsellor:
Almost impossible here in pak. Can only happen if u belong to the elite educated class
2. Police:
Haha who m I kidding? In a country where policemen themselves rape toddlers u think they would take notice of all this?
3:warning everyone:
We all know how people love to talk. Im sure they would show sympathy and thank the girl for her favor on them..but only on her face..behind her back they would b blaming her parents and the victim aswell. These people would spread the story and she would eventually b labelled as the one who Was raped even if she wasnt.
So instead of doing humanity and society a favor by warning everyone do yourself a favor and keep shut. Be selfish for once. Y risk ur own image trying to save people who will eventually ruin ur image themselves?
Just pray what happened to u doesnt happen to someone else. The max u can do is warn other girls of not being alone with anyone and not to trust anyone without revealing what happened to u.
4: tell the wife
Someone here suggested of sending a letter to his wife without revealing your own identity i too would advice the same.
5: getting him punished
How? No u cannot get him punished. Gundas? Like seriously? This isnt an indian movie people..get him beaten up by family? Wouldnt that mess up the matter more? Everyone would know what happened to her..oh I know she is the victim she did nothing wrong he is the culprit y should she stay quiet and live like a culprit? Coming back to reality this is pak we r talkin about u have no idea what type of society do we have..telling everyone that she was the victim will not gain her any support will not gain her shoulders to cry on instead she would be blamed eventually..people would not support her..people would talk..people would disgrace her..n yes no one would marry her..
Y blame her-because thats what they r best at..the negativity in them would force them to believe that she must b lying that she is to be blamed..face it this isnt la la land this isnt the west people here r aholes oh how they love to talk..wouldnt it b easier to blame yourself then to b blamed by everyone else?
Y no one would marry her? In a society where guys believe they can do whatever they want with other girls but would want a wife who is a shareef zadi who hasnt ever talked to a na-mehram all her life..in such a society u think someone would have enough guts in him to marry such a girl? A girl who is popular for attempted rape? We do have rare cases but no guarantee she would find a man willing to accept a girl who has gone through such a situation. Lets assume she ignores the future hubby aspect but how will she feel after a few years when she wouldnt find the perfect guy who is willing to accept her? Wont she blame herself then?
6: islamic punishment
I literally LOLed when i read someone say that he should b stoned to death and how islam doesnt tell us to b quiet about it..haha islam all of a sudden? Do we really follow islam? Islam also tells us the solution to prevent such situations:
1. Hijab: surah ahzab ayah 52
Mafhoom: oh prophet ask your wives, daughters and muslim women to cover themselves so that they dont get bothered..refererring to the rape events that took place at that time even
2. Islam tells us to b under guidance of our mehrams-r we following? Would this have happened if a mehram was with her?
3. Not to be alone with na-mehrams..if na mehram man and woman r alone then the third one among them is the shaitan..
Im not saying that she is the one to b blamed but when we dont follow Islam then how can we expect it to b of any help to us? We find excuses of not following Islam then how can we expect to avoid such situations? If we would have followed Islam then this situation could have been avoided..if our society followed islam no one could have blamed her..if our police followed islam then revenge was possible..so instead of bringing islam to punish the culprit the girl should believe in Allah that even if she doesnt get justice here He would punish him i this life and also in the life hereafter inshAllah
7: telling her parents
Now comes the tricky part
I went through the same situation as your friend at the age of 9..that too by my dad's own cousin..did I tell my parents? No. Did I ever regret my decision? No. I grew up to b just fine alhamdolilah cause I found my strength within..was it easy? No. Months of sleepless nights and nightmares. I used to pray all the time that please Allah make me forget what happened erase it from my memory. Your friend is a grownup she is mature and can easily grow out of it..while I was a kid I could have blamed myself and lived a life of misery..could have done alot of things but u know what I did instead I didnt Blame myself i knew i hadnt dont anything wrong and that he was the culprit then y should I let it affect me I left the matter in Allah's hands I know he will b punised but y waste my own life cause of an a-hole like him?
Reason I didnt tell my parents? Cause I knew they wouldnt understand(they would either hush the matter or would blame me for the situation) n I knew I wont b able to face them even if they did understand..they would become more protective of me which would remind me of my misery more often.
I believe she can judge best what is right for her..if she was sure her parents wont make a fuss over it she would have told her mother instead of telling the op..in a society like ours its hard to trust parents with such situations as not everyone is as educated and openminded as some people here. She is lucky she has friends like u who she can trust while I had no one..I did tell my husband and cried infront of him cause I knew I can trust him he wont tell anyone he wont blame me he wont judge me hes educated and openminded so I knew he would understand and he did..but my parents they never would have understood. If victim trusts her parents enough to know they would understand and that they would take a stand against him then she would open up to them soon..she needs time..just tell her not to blame herself its his fault not hers..y ruin ur own life over a douche? Ask her to count her blessings thanks to Allah she was saved there r many out there who do get raped and even get murdered. She doesnt need shoulders to cry on find the strength within to overcome this situation. All those who think by staying quiet she is showing she is weak and y a women should go through all this-No she is not being weak instead she is being Strong by not letting it affect her life.
Now cuss and judge me all u want.
^ I am sorry about what happened to you as a child. :(
BUt because of your parents who are not supportive (according to you) and you having to keep quiet about it, probably means that that filthy man has continues to do the same thing to other children for all these years. OH my God, thinking about this is going to make me cry.
You are absolutely right that the perception of a raped woman is a lot worse in Pakistan that the rapist himself. But how long is this supposed to continue? Are you happy with the way things are?
UGH! What is with parents not teaching their daughters their own value??
I want to shoot this a-hole! Kahan hai meri bandoook!!
Oh and if she really wants to get back with him then the best solution is to tell his wife(without revealing her identity) thats the only thing she can do-yes no matter how ridiculous this seems-there is no other way he can b punished in pakistan
^ I am sorry about what happened to you as a child. :(
BUt because of your parents who are not supportive (according to you) and you having to keep quiet about it, probably means that that filthy man has continues to do the same thing to other children for all these years. OH my God, thinking about this is going to make me cry.
You are absolutely right that the perception of a raped woman is a lot worse in Pakistan that the rapist himself. But how long is this supposed to continue? Are you happy with the way things are?
UGH! What is with parents not teaching their daughters their own value??
I want to shoot this a-hole! Kahan hai meri bandoook!!
Dont b sorry! I am not..I believe I got my revenge by not letting it affect my life..u know whats the weirdest part..some people do all this BS just to ruin lives not for the sake of s*x..they can easily get s*x from a call girl or in this case his wife but some people enjoy ruining lives..y satisfy them?
As I said earlier sometimes its good to b selfish..lets say even if I did warn everyone about him whats the guarantee they wouldnt judge me they wouldnt talk behind my back wouldnt blame me..would they have allowed their sons to marry me? Heck no! Y do them the favor when they wouldnt do the same! Humanity is a sin here in pak! If this would have happened in the west im sure the best solution would have been to report him to the police so he wouldnt ruin more lives but thats not the case here..everyone on his own..
If the victim thinks it would help her in any way if she told her parents then she should..let her decide on her own
And it is the educated lot in Pakistan who are going to have to make some tough decisions and shed light on these issues.
God forbid sahr91, if something like this ever happened to your kid, what would you do? Woud you be happy not knowing about it. Wouldn't you wanna expose that person?
Has SophiaUK mentioned where this assault happened? I assumed she and the friend were in England. Reporting him to the authorities and getting counselling should not be an issue then.
Has SophiaUK mentioned where this assault happened? I assumed she and the friend were in England. Reporting him to the authorities and getting counselling should not be an issue then.
No, she says that her friend is in Pakistan. Hence, the complications.
That's the problem the innocent get punished! She has not even done anything and people will point fingers towards her. Because apparently girls these days are worse than boys and the genrilisations go on. We just go around labeling and judging people. Sad times, really. I am sure the wife thinks her husbands a real shareef man. Societies filled with munafiq jahanamis like him. But tell you friend not to worry makafat-e-amal, one day he'll have a daughter too . He will suffer for his wrong doings if not in this world then the next, he won't get away with it . She should speak to her parents and seek help through prayer. Things will turn out for the best, InshaAllah.
And it is the educated lot in Pakistan who are going to have to make some tough decisions and shed light on these issues.
God forbid sahr91, if something like this ever happened to your kid, what would you do? Woud you be happy not knowing about it. Wouldn't you wanna expose that person?
As keyboard stroker said my kid would know who to turn to incase of distress. Times r changing..people r getting educated they r more aware now..but this cant b applied to the older generation hence the parents and the BS talking aunties and uncles..it'll take another 10 20 years to comprehend this problem that too only in the educated lot till then we cant do anything. As I said earlier if victim trusts her parents to support her then she would open up to her mother eventually. Only the victim can judge better.
this is so lame. first fazool logon se lift lainay ka matlab? second he tried but didn't do it so ur friend should learn from her experience n move on. complaining to anybody will make no difference. wat can her parents do? nobody can do nothing. she needs to use her head and be careful next time. u can complain to the whole world, wont make that man pay, not in pak esp.