Dilemma thats killing me

Lifestyle Relationships
41

I?t makes me feel really great!When i see you guys posting about Islam:D

Good JOB!
Keep reading,Allah will guide you one day:)

42

Its true. You dont knw whats in someone's heart, only Allah can be the judge of that. However, Islam lays a foundation down for a person and just like you have no excuse to miss a prayer you have no excuse to not cover your head to protect you from Shai'taan.
I used to firmly believe in the whole "i dont need to show the world anything as long as my Allah knows that I do it with total sincerity and devotion". However, I do.. because that is what makes us different from everyone. Our outlook on life, based on the fact that we are muslims and we believe in the Quran and the Prophet!

Her friends might say a ton of things about her but her actions unfortunately do show otherwise, it doesnt matter whether it was due to parental issues/family matters. There is something called logical reasoning and thinking about how this is going to effect me or the other person and she clearly did not think about you when she made her decision earlier. She's 24, mA a mature woman who should understand the impact her decisions are making on her life and yours not to mention both families and relatives.

She might not have gotten guidance from the first day she was born, but most of us didnt. We learn as we go on in life, we learn as we take our first steps, learn to read the Quran and pray 5 times a day. There are certain things that you can definitely help with, others you cant. Allah only helps those who seek guidance, and nonetheless it does seem like shes getting onto something however, you need to put your foot down regarding A LOT of things.
Did your parents/ or urself do istekhara before the rishta proceeded?

Some people DO change and im not judging her in any way. But in my opinion, you dont deserve to get hurt twice. Its like ripping off a bandage over and over again to find that the wound hasnt healed. It's taken her this long to figure out she needs to change.. and to accept you and this marriage, Allah knws how much longer it'll take her to set things right, open up to you and start being a wife and Daughter in Law. Also, from experience, we think that being a spouse to a person who is starting their life and way of thinking over we can help them. Its not easy, in all actuality its probably one of the biggest sacrifices one has to go through, and most of the time the other person just does it for the show and tell purpose and as soon as their mission is accomplished their promises and whole I AM GOING TO CHANGE motto go down the drain too.

Do istekhaara asking Allah for guidance, to see whether getting out is a better option than staying in. Allah tests us all, one way or the other.. but theres a certain limit to His tests and there comes a time when we just feel like giving up and running the opposite way. You need to make up your mind about what you wnat to do, stay in or get out and then do istekhaara! dont do it thinking that Allah is going to send a signal saying divorce because thats not the case. You need to make up your mind and go with the sensation following your dream the next morning.
Insha'Allah jo hoga behtari ke liye hoga Ameen

43

Jazakumallah khairun for your detailed response.

Inshallah, I will decide soon and then do istikhara. I am coming to conclusion that my expectations are way too high.

I just discussed this with a friend and he said, there aren't too many women out there who think like I do or what I am expecting a muslim wife to be. Hijabis/non-hijabis. He says whims and desires take over even the pious ones so you might be at the same crossroads even if you go for a girl who pretends to be relatively pious. I have to mention he has had bad experience so he might not be the best person to speak with,

Like you said, I was hardly muslim when I first came to US.

May Allah help me...

44

Re: Dilemma thats killing me

Marriedsingle! tell ur wife straight away that u have a religious duty towards ur parents as well as towards her and u can not ignore eitherof the duties.. tell her in plain and simple words that u can not leave ur parents or stop caring them on her wishes.. similary if they will ever make unreasonable /un islamic demands towards her rights, u wont obey them as well..

ask her, if she is willing to continue with u on these conditions, she is welcome otherwise its better to take a hard decision instead of regretting for whole life..

Remember! ( i hope u already know) Islam does not demand a woman to be a very nice loving, caring, serving etc etc Daughter in Law. if some one is, she will be rewarded but if not, she will not be held accountable.. BUT! u, as a Son, are duty bound to be obedientl, oving and very very caring towards ur parents and for that u will surely be held accountable.. so dont expect/force ur wife to do your job but also dont let her, or any one, come in ur way and stop u from performing ur Faraiz/wajibaat..

be clear in ur concepts and be firm as a Man in ur words and actions.. take my word, every problem will be solved

45

I think you do have your expectations set way high!
ive been through a bad experience too.. and i know exactly what your friend means when he says that whims and desires take over even the pious ones. I went on a similar journey as you did, where I was the one compromising over everything. I risked my life to be with this person, and in the end it came down to what I was becoming. I lost my religion trying to teach him to become a better person, infact I lost myself & when it comes to that point, you know theres no way out other than running for your life.

I think you need to really focus on your needs & yourself rather than concerning yourself with the what if's and what not's. If your meant to spend your life together, you will regardless of what ANYONE says!
I would ask an Aalim, or Sheikh to help with the istekhara if you think that it might not be something you want to do yourself. But you really have to do this! I will PM you a duaa as well to read. My mom gave it to me to read in times when life gets the best of you, and it seems like your in that boat right now -
May Allah make it easier for you and your family. Insha'Allah!

46

I think that if you are as open minded as you think you are and she is liberal then maybe you could try some sort of relationship counselling. Preferably with someone who is aware of the cultural issues. I think this is something that needs to be sorted out before you get married. Rather then wait and get married and see what happens after.

Just my two cents.

47

he is already married - they had the nikkah done.

48

Thank you very much.

Inshallah, I will do that.

May Allah bless you and fulfill all your desires(haq)

49

Meher,

That was very inspiring. Mashallah, you hit the nail.

Following yours and other posters advice here, I will be laying all these things on the table before we move on inshallah. That will determine where my life is heading.

Please remember me in your duas.

50

I think you are being over-sensitive. This sort of behaviour is typical of the majority of desi ladies but so is yours. Don't let the devil convince you that the two in the bush are better than what you have in hand. They are all the same. It is futile to convince ladies that they are wrong because their fiercely protective nature does not allow them to accept that. At the same time, you have to reflect on your own thinking as well. Part of the problem is definitely your own creation.

51

I hope inshaAllah that your problems will be solved inshaAllah:)

Just to put things in a perspective, I would like to share my experience with you.

When I got married, I was carrying lot of negative experiences from before and I entered my marriage in a state of frustration, depression and ‘fatigue’ - DESPITE the fact that I really liked my husband when entering our marriage. But it had nothing to do with him. It was due to the many years of hard time with my own family that had made me like that.
So if my husband analyzed everything I said or did back then I am sure he wouldnt have married me cuz he is and has been a positive person with an optimistic view on life while I could sometimes be harsh and pessimistic.

But my husband saw the potential in me and 3 years after our marriage, I have changed a lot. I am more energetic, positive and optimistic.
This also goes for his family. In the beginning I analyzed all his interaction with his family cuz I felt insecure. Eventhough I didn’t have to. But I was insecure cuz I had been disappointed so many times before meeting my husband. My nearest ones had shattered my trust at times and places that one could never think of so I kind of felt sorry for myself and thought I now when I am married I really deserve all the good from him.

If my husband had not been so open and positive, I think our marriage would have been doomed.

When I read your posts, it seems to me that your wife is insecure. And it makes me think about WHY.
Firstly, you have described her as ‘the girl’ not stating her as ‘my wife’ which shows that u kind of have a reserved attitude towards her. Perhaps she has been waiting for you to open up and give her all the comfort and care that she never got as her mother passed away and her father is mentally ill.

In her situation, all her expectations are to you. Perhaps she is not even able to communicate her expectations to you and when she notices that your parents are calling a lot she might feel insecure cuz she thinks that u might give them more attention than her.
U know, if u divorce her due to this reason u will most probably regret later cuz majority of women get this insecure-syndrom when they are in a relationship. It takes time before we women realize that the man is actually not going anywhere and is going to be there for one.

Someone was telling you to be clear and straight forward. But I doubt that being so will help u guys. If u tell her that she cant stop u from performing ur duties to ur parents she might take it negatively.
But if u communicate the same message in a softer and different way, she might understand ur situation. .for example you could tell her that you think that it is possible to have a healthy relationship to your wife and at the same time take care of ur parents. But before doing so, ask her what exactly is it that she dislikes from ur family’s side and then consider WHY she is feeling like that.
Most of the time we interpret things according to our own situations and understanding and in her situation I think she might be afraid of parental relations due to her own loss of both her mother and father – her father due to mental illness though he is alive!

I think that you should see her, take her for outing and talk to her. Spend time to her. Make her feel comfortable and she might open up to you.
But if you behave to her like you are referring to her .i.e ‘the girl’ then chances are that she feels you are cold and not comforting and warm.

Don’t set your expectations too high. If you wanted a wife who is very religious you should have married a person who is exact like what you were looking for.
But the harsh reality of life is that one never gets a final package solution anywhere and therefore the person one marries should at least have similar visions, goals and aims in life.
If she is not into Islam, perhaps she has the potential to be so with the right guidance.
Allah is giving you an opportunity to guide a person to His way and you are running away from it by judging your wife to be cultural Muslim!

Think about why she is cultural Muslim. My guess is that she never had anyone to guide her. But the way u r describing her, she might develop with time.

However if u don’t have patience to see that development and want her to live up to all your high expectations then you might not want to continue.

Remember that deen is taught to others by the good character – not by judgemental behaviour nor correcting anyone all the time. Our prophet saw is our guide and the way he saw made dawah to others should be our guidelines to deal with other people.

Bring gentleness in your attitude towards her and she will be all yours!

This is what I extract from not only my own experiences but also from this hadith:

Abu Hurayra reported that the Messenger of Allah, may Allah bless him and grant him peace, said, “Treat women well. The woman was created from a rib. The most bent part of the rib is the top part. If you try to straighten it, you will break it. If you leave it, it remains bent. So treat women well.”

To read an explanation of the hadith, see here:

The hadith that compares women to a ‘crooked rib’

you are making an effort to show us that u r a balanced person. What u really need to show is that you are balanced son and husband – to your parents and your wife.

Good luck:)

52

Re: Dilemma thats killing me

P.S You should also do istikhara and seek guidance from Allah.

53

MarriedSingle… why dont you tell her too, to post her dilemma here?? So we know the both side stories and you wont require the Counseling either :smiley:

Anyway reading your posts, what I feel is below:

She is confused.

1- May be the girl is interested in someone else. but cannot bring his name to her tongue, 1st coz of you, 2nd her father, 3rd society, 4th her conscience.

2- May be the girl is afraid of you. Like the way you are talking about Islam and Hijaab etc. + that you wont ever leave your parents, though you are right but may be she is getting a Strict husband image from you.

3- She has realised you are not her Ideal. Hence trying to get out of this relation some how.

4- She is a stupid lady like we always have some around us. i.e. Aunts , Sis in Law, Mother in law etc.

Suggestions:

1- Know Her:

For sometime completely forget about your parents and religion and give time to know her. Talk to her about all other stuff in world but not about the things that she dislikes. The purpose here is, you both do not understand each other. You both do not know each other. She is not comfortable talking to you. If you were not married to her, I would have never recommended this, coz in that case it would be a straight No to this marriage. But since Nikah has already happened, so we need to be more careful and think twice before taking any step.

Talk to her, and open her up. Take her into confidence. Do not use the language of Force, coz she is not very tolerant and not very intelligent either (thats what i felt). whenever during conversation you feel that now it is going to take the shape of argument… KEEP QUITE and hold your comments. Let few moments pass and start again, idealy on a different topic.

What could be the topics of discussions?

Get her idea about life, like whats her main goal in life? Does she has any wish that she wants that to come true? Her most happiest day of life? Whenever was she really down and felt dejected? What does she miss in her life? What profession she admires the most? What does she like, in food, dressing, flowers, cars, pet etc. What Weather she adores? why she adores? Who is her fav Actor/actress/movie? Whats good about that movie? Talk about relations, sex (remember u both r husband wife), kids, concept of home, whats her idea of a happy life? Is she optimistic? etc etc. There can be 1000s of topics.

You do not have to note down all the details she will tell you, but her way of describing things, her reactions, responses, the way she handles the topic, it will give you a very vivid picture of her inner self. If it comes out to be negative , you will know it. If it was positive, you will know it. There are no specific answers to above questions, which will decide for you if the person has negative or positive personality. But you will know it yourself provided your own conceptions are clear and you have a positive person inside you and you are really sincerely trying to give this relation a try and ready to accept it for the rest of your life if the gal turns out to be good.

If you see all negativity in her, then do not choose that path for urself and decide sooner the better. A stitch in time, saves nine.

If you see she is positive about life, optimistic in other aspects, give her more time and this time talk about what does she expect from you. I am sure this time she will respond in a totally different way.

2- Istekhara:

I will recommend Istekhara. Do it urself, do not go to any Imam to do it for you. Coz YOU know and feel your problem better than anyone else.

3- Flip the Coin

If its Tail, its not ur Fairy Tale :attia:
If its Head… go ahead :slight_smile: :AID:

I am tired now… :frowning: I was not planning to write that much… too much ho giya.

54

Re: Dilemma thats killing me

You might want to explain this to her....

What goes around comes around. If you cut of ties with your parents, your kids will cut off ties with you. How would she feel if her children cut of ties with her because their spouse felt that she was interfering too much in their life when all she was trying to do was share happiness? I would use this approach.

55

Re: Dilemma thats killing me

I know a couple of guys who were in a similar situation as you and they both married the girl but these ended up in very unhappy marriages.

In both cases, the girls absolutely hated the guy's parents. In both cases, the girls after having a few kids, told the husband to chose his parents or chose wife & kids.

In both cases, the parents were forced to leave the house of their son and the wife's rarely lets them see the grand kids.

In both cases, the parents of the son curse the wife and the wife curses them.

My strong recommendation to you is *STAY AWAY FROM THIS WOMAN. *
If she cannot love and respect your parents now....she never will.

56

Just for that she needs a shrink before she gets married to anybody so does her whole family. she does no need a husband at this moment. See to it that she and the family gets that kind of help if they do not find some nicer girl and a nice family.
You are not a behavior therapist so it is not your job to change the ways of some one or some family. You need a break from them.
My prayers are with you my brother.
Remember Allah does not help those who do not help themselves.

100 percent on the mark. :biggthumb:

57

2 counsellors are already working with us. :slight_smile:

May Allah accept all your duas as well.

I certainly feel bad for this family because if she gets divorced, there will be some major issues for them to get married again. In todays materialistic world, even the pious ones will simply reject them due to some of their qualities. Its more about the family then the girl.

58

I completely agree with you and it was a relief learning from your experience. It does sound similar. She has no trust in anyone whatsoever. Not even her own immediate family. She wasn't treat well by her relatives who helped raise her after their mom passed away.

I was aware of some of this but wasn't sure how severe it would be. Also, I was willing to be the one who would take the responsibility to shape her life for the better and show her the bright side. I just get demoralized by her continously negative attitude towards life.

May Allah give me strength.

59

I wish she was smart enough to think in long term.

She is super short-sighted, as you can tell.

The Hi/Bye Thread
The Hi/Bye Thread
60

She is very short sighted!!
Not that smart!
Super sensitive and emotional!
Totally irrational!
and very immature!

Yes, she is confused to the highest extremes!

I ask her for once consult or share your issues with some aunty/baji you know because I know exactly what she is going through and that might help her but she lacks confidence and trust in all the people out there. Not willing to share her worries with me or anyone.

Maybe, I need to move on with her and give it a shot…

Do girls change though? especially the one in my case?